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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU just do majority of housework and not have a problem with it

44 replies

Ichykitchywaawaadadda · 13/07/2020 09:31

I live with my very young DD and my DH. I am very on top of housework.... if I have a spare 20 minutes its always spent cleaning before I do anything else (not showing off! Sometimes I do wish I could just relax with a cuppa for those 20 mins, but if theres anything to be done, I do it) I estimate I do 85% of the housework. I work 20 hours over 3 days a week from home.
My DH is a lot more relaxed with housework, if I ask him to do something, it gets done, but in his time. He cooks dinner 2/3 times a week and does jobs like the grass etc. He works a full time busy week with an hour commute, we do split the finances almost straight down the middle, as we can both afford it.
My question is, am I stupid to be happy with this setup? I constantly see posts on here saying husbands/partners should be pulling their weight, I don't want to be a walk over or a stepford wife and do have this niggling feeling I should be getting him to do more......

YABU - your husband should help more around the house, even if you don't feel you need it
YANBU - it's fine if you don't feel overwhelmed

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 13/07/2020 09:40

If it works for you then its fine.....not really given it much thought but i do pretty much 99% of the housework!!, its only 2 of us though so it doesnt take me long, house stays pretty clean so its just a quick dust, hoover and washing/ironing that takes an hour tops.
I work shifts so when im on a late he will cook and wash up after himself, on earlies one cooks and one washes up.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 13/07/2020 09:45

I think you work shorter hours and have no commute so you must have much more time at home so it's only fair that you do more. As long as you both have the same time to relax and do hobbies etc and he isnt treating you like a skivvy. For example I think a lot of the people that get really upset about it are people with very disrespectful partners like those who put their dirty underwear next to the washing basket and expect their partner to pick it up, or drop their wet towel on the floor and expect their partner to pick it up. So they're actually more untidy than they would be if they were living by themselves. If you're doing any of this stuff for him then I'd say YABU not to mind because its degrading. But it doesnt sound like that from your post

lanthanum · 13/07/2020 09:49

Do what works for you. If you're the sort of person who can't bear anything to be untidy, then I think you do end up having to shoulder more of the burden.

You mention a young DD - make sure he's involved enough with her that if you went away for a couple of days he'd cope, even if you have to leave a detailed list of instructions. (It felt like a real milestone the first time I went away for the weekend leaving no written instructions!)

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 13/07/2020 09:51

The only thing I would say is if you’re in the habit of sharing the jobs more evenly it means that carries naturally on as child gets trickier to look after or if you want to go back to work.

Aria2015 · 13/07/2020 09:52

I think the key is that you're happy with the arrangement. Problems only occur when one or both partners are not happy and feel the other should do more.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 13/07/2020 09:54

Are you unreasonable to continue a situation you are happy with which is harming no one? No, of course not.

I constantly see posts on here saying husbands/partners should be pulling their weight, I don't want to be a walk over or a stepford wife and do have this niggling feeling I should be getting him to do more...…
I see posts on here saying a lot of things, doesn't mean I set out to change things I am perfectly happy with to fit in with the expressed opinions of a bunch of strangers. What matters more- what works for you and your family, or what some people on the internet think?

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 13/07/2020 09:56

I think this is absolutely fine as long as he does things like take his own cup to the dishwasher, make sure the bathroom is clean and tidy after he uses it, just generally doesn’t leave a trail of mess that you’re expected to deal with!

WorraLiberty · 13/07/2020 09:56

I think it sounds as though you've convinced yourself you're a bit happier with the setup than you really are, otherwise you wouldn't be starting this thread.

Examine what's causing that niggling feeling and see if between you, you can put that right.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 13/07/2020 09:59

I don't mind the actual cleaning...
It's the picking up after people. For example I mentioned to DH I hadn't seen his work socks in the wash this weekend... I'm not crawling under the bed for them, if they aren't in the basket they don't get washed. (Luckily he has more than 5 pairs, and the rest will be in the wash later!).

But mopping the floor, or cleaning the bathroom... I'm the one at home, so yes I'll do that.

Toys are children's responsibility.

Woodlandwalks · 13/07/2020 10:05

Of course that's fine. My husband hates housework and is so slow to do it, so although he will help when we have to get things ready for guests or the like, generally housework is what I take care of. He takes care of all DIY, the gardening and catching spiders. I wonder if he has a post somewhere asking if it's fair that he catches them all and maybe to even things out and ensure I'm pulling my weight he should leave a few for me..... Dear God I hope not.

You do you! If you're both happy and you don't feel you're being taken for granted and neither does you husband then who cares what anyone else thinks you should be doing.

Ponoka7 · 13/07/2020 10:07

I've voted YANBU, but it's what happens when your DD isn't as young and you want less ties to the house. That's when it van get frustrating to do all the wife work and resentment starts.

MotherMorph · 13/07/2020 10:07

*I don't mind the actual cleaning...
It's the picking up after people. For example I mentioned to DH I hadn't seen his work socks in the wash this weekend... I'm not crawling under the bed for them, if they aren't in the basket they don't get washed. (Luckily he has more than 5 pairs, and the rest will be in the wash later!).

But mopping the floor, or cleaning the bathroom... I'm the one at home, so yes I'll do that.

Toys are children's responsibility.*

This!! I have tween/teen DC and a husband and I seem to spend my life picking up crisp packets from the floor (DC) socks (DS and DH) mugs (DH) sports kit (DS and DH) etc. It drives me insane! If I challenge the DC they agree to put things away and it lasts a few days, if I challenge DH he gets really defensive and desperately looks but doesnt always find for something I might have left on the floor to "prove" that I cant have a go at him about it.

user1456324865563 · 13/07/2020 10:09

I think it sounds as though you've convinced yourself you're a bit happier with the setup than you really are, otherwise you wouldn't be starting this thread.

Yes.

And do you not have any interests or hobbies to fill your spare moments rather than leaping on cleaning stuff? Is cleaning your life's purpose?

Sometimes I do wish I could just relax with a cuppa for those 20 mins

Stop wishing and do it then? It's entirely within your control.

billy1966 · 13/07/2020 10:12

It's what you think is comfortable and fair.

Is it fair???

What do you mean you split costs 50/50 and you work 20 hours from home!!!???

That doesn't sound right.
And you do 85% of housework?
What percentage of childcare??

Yet 50/50 on costs?

Doesn't sound right to me.

MirrorSignalManoeuvre · 13/07/2020 10:13

There is no 'should', whatever works for you and your family is fine. Don't look for problems where there aren't any x

Original poster

Ichykitchywaawaadadda · 13/07/2020 10:30

@user1456324865563 cleaning is most definitely not my lifes purpose, of course it's not. I lead a fulfilling life outside of being a mother and wife.

@billy1966 I am lucky I have a well paid self employed job, DH pays for any extra, more unforeseen costs i.e holidays, if something happened to one of the cars/house etc and we split childcare as fairly as possible.

A few of the posts have mentioned why I am questioning my situation, I think (maybe somewhat naively) I had never wondered that bit myself. It probably stems from my mum doing everything in terms of housework, and my dad absolutely nothing. A situation as a child I always thought was normal but as an adult have questioned, but they never seem to have any issues around it....I suppose I'm just questioning the roles I've seen in my life and the way they are presumably trickling down into my own.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ichykitchywaawaadadda · 13/07/2020 10:33

@ianthanum yes I cant bare any mess, I do try to let it slide but one thing out of place and I'm itching to tidy it, so I do know I am a high maintenance cleaner!

Yes luckily DH is a great Dad and definitely could cope if I decided to go on a spa weekend....if only

OP posts:

billy1966 · 13/07/2020 10:35

Well he certainly has a great "deal".

Be careful of assuming too much of the load.

If you have more children, that work load would increase dramatically.

Fatted · 13/07/2020 10:40

The thing is OP, are you happy?

Does he sit there doing bugger all while you do everything? Do you get to sit and do bugger all too?

Will he pick up the slack when you need him too? Does he expect you to do everything, even buy some milk and bread when it's run out? Does he complain about the way you are doing things, even though he doesn't do them himself?

Everyone is different. But if you are doing it because you choose to rather than because you have to, then crack on.

c0co · 13/07/2020 11:14

OP, I understand your point about being worried you’re “sleepwalking” into a certain role / roles having internalised this from a young age. The thing is, we all internalise something - the trick is to at least be aware of that!

All I would say is that every couple finds their own balance and the “traditional wife” role is fair enough IF (and only IF) he’s happy with the extra pressures that come with the “traditional husband” role. But is he? From the sound of it, you still work a fair bit and “he pays” for extras, as you put it, such as holidays.

Er no, he doesn’t pay for extras. You are a family.

Do you have separate finances?

Too many men are quite happy for their wives to reduce their working hours so they can take on the extra slack at home etc etc, but seem to have no concept of shared finances / financially supporting the family which, I’m afraid, if you want a SAH wife, is the quid pro quo.

Maybe I’ve got the wrong impression but I wouldn’t be doing all this for a man who thought it was ok to have separate finances.

FizzyPink · 13/07/2020 11:20

We have a similar set up but my DP does even less than yours. He literally deals with the washing and that’s it. I do absolutely everything else, even making his packed lunches.

However, I work 9-5 at home whereas he leaves the house at 7am and gets home at 9/10pm so I’d feel incredibly guilty if he got home and had to start cleaning the bathroom whereas I’d sat around watching tv for 5 hours. I think it just depends on your own set up and that your DP appreciates what you do to keep the household running smoothly.

I don’t mind being responsible for everything because I know DP appreciates it and if I asked him to do something he would do it. He also frequently brings me home flowers or small gifts to show his appreciation and on his one day off a week goes along with whatever I choose for us to do without complaining, even if it’s a whole day with my very large, very loud family!

Smallsteps88 · 13/07/2020 11:23

Sounds like you’re both happy with the set up. No need to change it.

But

Sometimes I do wish I could just relax with a cuppa for those 20 mins

You can.

Original poster

Ichykitchywaawaadadda · 13/07/2020 11:30

@c0co yes, think you've hit the nail on the head, it's the fear of walking into a roll without realising.

We have our own bank accounts then each put a set amount into a joint account monthly, with him putting slightly more than me in. By extras I mean things that aren't taken from this joint account. For instance if we were to book a holiday DH would just pay, or we had a new boiler recently, DH would just sort from his account etc. Me saying extras is anything on top of what comes out our joint account (I'm not sure if that does mean we have joint finances? I'm happy with the financial arrangement, dont feel I'm being taken for a mug!)

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 13/07/2020 11:31

And do you not have any interests or hobbies to fill your spare moments rather than leaping on cleaning stuff? Is cleaning your life's purpose?

I interpreted that slightly less strictly.

I love my home to look lovely, and I'm a keen writer. The two are linked, and I can't sit in a shit heap, relax and write!

I have a very different attitude to cleaning than my husband. I like to do enough to make the overall task manageable buzzed through the week. He'd rather do a really thorough job at the weekend.

So I blast through a few jobs to make the environment pleasant through the week, and he does the slow and steady jobs in depth.

What's massively important is respect. Nobody is treated like a servant, and there are no performance reviews of the standards kept!

(I'm a huge advocate of keeping your standards flexible as your life demands it!)

c0co · 13/07/2020 11:42

OP, forgive me if I’m misunderstanding, but doesn’t this just mean that he retains more in his account day-to-day - hence being able to afford the extras?

If the money all goes the same way in any case, why not just have a joint account? Then nobody “pays.’ You just decide what you’re doing as a family and wouldn’t that feel more equal?

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