AIBU just do majority of housework and not have a problem with it

[Ichykitchywaawaadadda]

I live with my very young DD and my DH. I am very on top of housework.... if I have a spare 20 minutes its always spent cleaning before I do anything else (not showing off! Sometimes I do wish I could just relax with a cuppa for those 20 mins, but if theres anything to be done, I do it) I estimate I do 85% of the housework. I work 20 hours over 3 days a week from home.
My DH is a lot more relaxed with housework, if I ask him to do something, it gets done, but in his time. He cooks dinner 2/3 times a week and does jobs like the grass etc. He works a full time busy week with an hour commute, we do split the finances almost straight down the middle, as we can both afford it.
My question is, am I stupid to be happy with this setup? I constantly see posts on here saying husbands/partners should be pulling their weight, I don't want to be a walk over or a stepford wife and do have this niggling feeling I should be getting him to do more......

YABU - your husband should help more around the house, even if you don't feel you need it
YANBU - it's fine if you don't feel overwhelmed

I dont really feel the finances aren't equal, that was never my original question (sorry if that sounds rude! Just I have no issue with financial situation it's more down to the general housekeeping)x

I voted YABU because you say you wish you could just relax with a cup of tea for 20 minutes but feel you can’t because you have work to do. That’s no way to live! Park your bum, drink your tea and have a chocolate biscuit, woman! I bet your DH makes sure he gets his downtime.

Of course ichy.

You do sound as if you’re questioning yourself though, so I think all you can do is be honest - if you were living by yourself, would you be always feeling the need to be in top of housework and busying about? If the answer is yes, I’m not sure what you DH can do about it because maybe that’s just your temperament?

Anyone who doesn't live in a cave is kidding themselves re the labour value of spider catching.

@Giespeace you're right! Maybe if instead of feeling I need to live in a show home I just spent the odd 20 mins having a cuppa and relaxing I'd be having less of the nagging feeling! And of course he makes sure he has his relaxing time but also does often say to me "slow down I'll make you a tea /just relax/I'll do it" I'm just a bit of a cleaning control freak I think....god knows how I got this way I used to be very messy!

If you are happy with it then there is no problem. Just be aware the novelty can wear off and is difficult to change the dynamic later.

I would also be aware that you are raising dc and how they will perceive your role - cleaning is woman responsibility because dad never did it, men cut the grass once a week in simmer.

If you happy with it what does matter? I do the majority of the housework here but I quite enjoy cleaning. I suffer from anxiety and cleaning often makes me feel better. Like you I cannot relax, ever! I wish I could but I’m always cleaning thinking about what to do next. I’m very house proud but I do wish I could chill sometimes.

My partner does do things round the hiuse. He does all the diy things (I’m rubbish), grass cutting, bins out and he’s very hands on with dc. He also cooks. He is always offering to help clean but I like to do it my way 🤣

So I’m happy!

Of course YANBU.
You are at home FAR more hours than he is, therefore you should be doing far more than half of the workload.
I do the overwhelming majority of "stuff" in our house, because I chose to have 2 days a week when I don't WOTH (and also a good proportion of the work I do, can be done at home). DH's job involves him leaving home at 7.15 and arriving home about 6.30, with some work at home in the evenings too.

A good maxim to work from, is to ensure you both have approx an equal amount oof time 'relaxing' - whether one of you likes to slob infront of the TV and the other prefers to do a more active thing, that's fine, but the opportunity to do what you want, sometimes, needs to be equal for resentment not to creep in.

@Smallsteps88

Sounds like you’re both happy with the set up. No need to change it.

But

Sometimes I do wish I could just relax with a cuppa for those 20 mins

You can.

You can't. Or should I say, it's difficult.

I'm like the OP and love a clean tidy house and if I know the kitchen floor has bits in it, I can't sit down with a cuppa until I've hoovered it. Or if I know I'm going out for the day then Ill get up a couple of hours earlier to clean the house so I know it's done before we got out.

This annoys DH but hey, I'd rather be like this than like in a shit tip! 😁

I am the same OP.

I fought for years to get DH to do his 'share' but came to the realisation that actually, I'm much less stressed, more relaxed and happier if I just get on with it. DH has much more relaxed standards than I do - he will happily wear all his clothes then put a wash on. He's happy to think abut what is for dinner at dinner time and then go to the shop and buy it. He would prefer to do a deep clean monthly than keep on top of things. He does do stuff, often without asking (currently cooking us lunch) but if I want something doing my way and on my timetable, I have to do it myself.

He did get us a cleaner though.

The difference between me and OP is though that we both work full time. Still though, it works for us. I can't relax if I know stuff needs doing!

I'm like the OP and love a clean tidy house and if I know the kitchen floor has bits in it, I can't sit down with a cuppa until I've hoovered it.

So, err, you can sit down and have a cuppa! If you are actually someone who is always cleaning then I guarantee your house is never dirty. It will take minimal maintenance on a daily basis so yes, 20 minutes for a cuppa is very possible.

I don't mind the actual cleaning...It's the picking up after people. For example I mentioned to DH I hadn't seen his work socks in the wash this weekend... I'm not crawling under the bed for them, if they aren't in the basket they don't get washed

@Aroundtheworldin80moves I wouldn't notice whether my DH's work socks were in the laundry basket, or remind him they should be washed

This annoys DH but hey, I'd rather be like this than like in a shit tip!

But the point is, just because a house hasn't been cleaned for two hours before you go out for the day, doesn't make it a "shit tip"

I do most because I have more time. If we both worked same hours we would do 50-50 like we used to. We still do big cleans together.
We don't have kids so that makes it easier 😁 And we are not into sparkling clean at all times. Clean will do us fine.

Just do whatever works for you. As ling as both parties are happy, all is good!

For some people here...
There is quite a lot between clean and shit tip.

You must be super woman.

I think it matters if your dh does his share around the house, because other wise you are teaching your daughter that housework is her responsibility and the cycle of sexism lives on.

We are all products of an unequal society, so of course it feels ok to women to do more than their share of the work. That's what we are taught to expect from childhood. It doesn't make it fair or right. I want my daughters to believe they have as much right to free time as their partners, because I want them to believe they are as important.

As others have said, whether you are happy with it is the main question.

On the face of it, the fact that you work fewer hours with a commute certainly suggests that it’s fair for you to do most of the housework.

That said, I know that you said finances aren’t an issue for you. But reading your posts that’s what jumped out at me, and finances are massively relevant to equality and labour in a relationship. You do far less paid work than he does and presumably therefore earn less - but you do far more unpaid work for the benefit of your family than he does. Work is work - whether paid or unpaid, it still has a financial value (think how much childcare and cleaners cost!)

So overall, you’re both doing the same amount of work (or maybe you’re doing even more!), but half of yours is unpaid. But you’re both contributing 50% to household expenses, so you must be paying in a far greater proportion of your own income - which must mean that he ends up with far more money for saving/investing/spending on himself/pension contributions etc. So there’s no financial recognition of the massive amount of unpaid work you do.

I’m assuming you earn less for working 3 days which may not be right. But maybe look at some of the threads on here about how family finances are split, but I would have thought a 60/40 or 70/30 split would be fairer. Or each contributing an amount that means you both have an equal amount left over for yourselves each month.