Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want family to hold my newborn

75 replies

PC7102 · 12/07/2020 22:42

I’m due to give birth this month and am not comfortable with anyone apart from my husband and necessary healthcare staff (midwives, doctors etc) holding my newborn. However my family seem to think that they should be able to hold my baby and keep asking me if they will be able to and when they can which is making me really irritated.
AIBU not letting my family hold my child? Are they BU for assuming they should able to?

Note: my family have not been socially distancing between themselves (multiple households) for months and some work outside the home

OP posts:

Jent13c · 13/07/2020 07:39

My baby is 5 months so not quite so at risk and under 11s dont have to socially distance in Scotland where we are. We completely followed the rules with him until they were changed just a week or so ago and I am a little concerned that he is very strange around his grandparents now so encouraging them to hold him now.
We have been keeping our circle very small just my husbands immediate family and 2 very close friends so I am quite calm about it. Also I'm a nurse and been working since he was 14w so he will get it from me if he gets it. My dad has just arranged a business meeting of 12 men in a small room because hes far too important to use zoom so we will be maintain the 2m distance when they next visit.

N3wborng13l · 13/07/2020 07:48

In the same boat as you but my daughter is a little younger. I home birthed after both DP and I wfh to reduce the risks.
Health visitor wanted to "pop round" and we said no and we will come to them - I maintained social distancing at the appointment and did a lot of the moving baby for them.
Now the in-laws have got wind that we attended the appointment, they want to hold the baby... despite not maintaining social distancing rules for the last few weeks.
My side of the family aren't fussed/are high risk anyway and just happy to chat on the phone.
Stand your ground. All the advice on this thread is excellent!!

gotothecooler · 13/07/2020 08:12

My baby is 5 months so not quite so at risk and under 11s dont have to socially distance in Scotland where we are.

That means with each other, not with adults. So your baby should social distance from Granny who has been mainly isolated but not from their cousin who is 9 and has been out playing with another 5 kids from his street! Bizarre.

flindorama · 13/07/2020 08:22

@gotothecooler

My baby is 5 months so not quite so at risk and under 11s dont have to socially distance in Scotland where we are.

No, in Scotland kids under 11 don't need to socially distance from each other AND adults. Hence all the grandparent hugging that's been happening.

gotothecooler · 13/07/2020 08:42

No, in Scotland kids under 11 don't need to socially distance from each other AND adults.

So basically no social distancing then?

LouiseTrees · 13/07/2020 09:00

@gotothecooler

No, in Scotland kids under 11 don't need to socially distance from each other AND adults.

So basically no social distancing then?

The adults still need to distance from one another and we have kept to this. They retrieve my daughter from the floor/pram/high chair. I am still distanced from them by the required distance. Anyway ... this is all on a tangent from OPs problem unless she’s Scottish

BeingLonely · 13/07/2020 12:44

There’s nothing wrong with them holding the baby aslong as they are sensible. Have them wear masks and wash their hands first, make sure they don’t feel unwell etc.

Life has to move on but sensibly, children don’t need to have the 2m distance anymore in Scotland just over 12’s.

Louiselouie0890 · 13/07/2020 12:55

If they loose interest in a child because they didn't have there 5 minute cuddle to save getting a newborn Ill then they are the absolute idiots and don't deserve to see the child in the first place. Idiots.

ExclamationPerfume · 13/07/2020 12:57

I find it sad you don't want your family to hold your baby.

Aber9 · 13/07/2020 13:01

@ExclamationPerfume

I find it sad you don't want your family to hold your baby.

That’s not what the OP said though, is it? She’s said that if there was no pandemic, she wouldn’t be worried. However, as there is, she doesn’t want to break the social distancing guidelines in order for people to do so.

justponderingg · 13/07/2020 13:04

Under normal circumstances I'd think you were ridiculous not letting anyone have a little hold.
But during this little thing called a global pandemic I think it's wise to be cautious. (Assuming this is why you don't want to have anyone hold the baby?)

I think if these are people you have a good relationship with and want to continue to, then you just need to deal with it carefully so you don't push them away.

So I'd allow visitors in the house but just say the hospital advice was to strictly follow covid guidelines and keep 2m away from people, and don't pass the baby around just yet as they are so new and fragile it isn't worth the risk. When the government advice changes, then you will be happy with cuddles.

Anyone who has a problem with that can go and give their head a wobble, but I imagine most people with any common sense would understand this and just accept it.

otterbaby · 13/07/2020 13:05

Wow, some of the comments here are completely missing the point! My parents aren't going to be able to fly over and visit their first grandchild because the risk is too high. We don't know how long they'll have to wait. We're all completely heartbroken, but ultimately the choice has been made to protect a defenceless newborn from a virus that has claimed so many lives. Try to keep in mind that this is not just a black and white decision to keep family away from a baby, but one that takes a lot of thought and sacrifice on everyone's end.

Randomname85 · 15/07/2020 13:22

@Miljea

Absolutely. But....Don't go expecting the family to babysit your DC for a weekend or so down the track when you want 'a getaway'.

They may feel no sense of bonding with the DC, thus not want to do it.

What utter nonsense 😂😂😂😂😂

Rosebel · 15/07/2020 13:55

My baby is 4_weeks old and the grandparents have seen him but not held him. No one except me, my husband and our two daughter's have held him. I'm not sure when I will let other hold him, perhaps Christmas time, depending on what's happening by then.
It's your baby so it's up to you when people hold your baby. I would just be honest and say you're not comfortable.
I don't believe people saying oh well don't be surprised if your family won't babysit or have a bond. Have you missed the fact there's a pandemic? Would you honesty be happy risking a newborn baby's life?🙄

Miljea · 16/07/2020 00:19

Random according to you. It can be as 'nonsense' as you like; but new parents, even in 'all this', have to have an understanding that if their 'take-away' message to the GPS is 'you're infected, stay away!' That same GP may feel less inclined to help, down the line.

Miljea · 16/07/2020 00:23

Rosebel - could you quote the stats re: number of newborns who died from Covid? ... maybe against 'number of close, ready to support family members who may as well have been ringing a 'Plague Bell' such was your desire to distance them'- who, oddly, haven't 'stepped up' now Covid has receded, in having my DC for the weekend?...

saraclara · 16/07/2020 00:42

@Rosebel

My baby is 4_weeks old and the grandparents have seen him but not held him. No one except me, my husband and our two daughter's have held him. I'm not sure when I will let other hold him, perhaps Christmas time, depending on what's happening by then. It's your baby so it's up to you when people hold your baby. I would just be honest and say you're not comfortable. I don't believe people saying oh well don't be surprised if your family won't babysit or have a bond. Have you missed the fact there's a pandemic? Would you honesty be happy risking a newborn baby's life?🙄

Christmas time? Seriously?

Once past the neonatal stage, babies are not at risk from this virus. To not let grandparents (or anyone else) hold your baby for more than six months is a bit nuts. You're setting your baby up to have separation anxiety at anyone but you and your DH holding them.

skybluee · 16/07/2020 03:49

@Miljea
"Random according to you. It can be as 'nonsense' as you like; but new parents, even in 'all this', have to have an understanding that if their 'take-away' message to the GPS is 'you're infected, stay away!' That same GP may feel less inclined to help, down the line."

Quite frankly... this is one of the saddest things I've read on here. The idea that grandparents would withhold affection and stay away from their grandchildren as almost a payback for a parent who is frightened for their child?

I find it staggering they would want to against midwife recommendations - recommendations in place to protect the health of the new born. To be honest, if someone tried to use that kind of psychology on me, I'm not entirely sure I'd want them in my life and I certainly wouldn't want them influencing any children. Any secure, caring grandparent would want to go with current medical guidelines - not put their needs above that. I can't imagine ever trying to compromise someone like that. People can be incredibly selfish. It's pretty much abhorrent to use something as a bargaining chip like that.

A new mother follows recommended medical guidelines for the sake of the health of her child... yet someone seeks to almost punish her for that. Twisted.

CJsGoldfish · 16/07/2020 04:07

The virus is a godsend to those who have a paranoia about anyone holding their baby! Really? What an insensitive and frankly stupid thing to say!

Really? Why?

It's not untrue, is it? MN is a haven for the paranoid, surely you can't deny that?

Babyvibe · 16/07/2020 04:19

My baby is 14 weeks and only in the past week has grandparents held him. No one else, not until I feel it is safer. Do what makes you feel comfortable, you can't trust that everyone has been socially distancing properly, it's not worth the risk when they're so tiny. People can still come and see the baby and bond without having to hold.

skybluee · 16/07/2020 04:20

I think the virus would be anything but a godsend for someone who is paranoid about people holding their baby.

Someone who isn't paranoid, has no worries, would happily let anyone hold their baby without worrying about health concerns, is way less likely to be affected by worries about the virus.

Someone who is paranoid and worried already is more likely to be disproportionately affected by worry about the virus. It would affect them more and make them worry more. Hardly a godsend.

Further to that, viral transmission isn't like a one way stream. The entire point of social distancing, handwashing, masks is to reduce the transmission of the virus to protect EVERYONE. It isn't just about the baby getting the virus - in fact the baby is more likely to pass the virus on to the grandparents, who then in turn (especially if they have lax practices) are likely to go on to infect someone else. That is what needs to be prevented - any kind of transmission, irrespective of the direction, which is why NHS England has its current recommendations in place.

I can't imagine for a second putting pressure on someone to go against those guidelines.

We have had so many deaths in this country. So many people unwell. Do people forget? Or just conveniently not think about it? The science is clear now. Why on earth would you prioritise your own needs above that? It is breathtakingly selfish.

Rosebel · 16/07/2020 11:35

Separation anxiety rarely occurs before 7 months and there have been cases of babies dying from Covid.
I accept I may be OTT but my babies health comes first. Luckily the family have been understanding.

Cherryhill22 · 04/08/2020 20:04

Genuinely disturbed by some people saying the OP should be wary of family losing interest if she doesnt let them hold the baby as a newborn. Babies are not shiny new toys that lose their sparkle after a few months.

Ooooosh · 04/08/2020 20:15

I have a cousin that didn’t let anyone near her daughter for the first 2 years then she was whining that nobody was interested. We weren’t allowed a relationship with the poor child! She isn’t in any family get together photos, she’ll probably look back when she’s older and wonder why she was excluded from every family event. It’s so strange.

Rosebel · 04/08/2020 21:19

I'd have been happy for my family to have cuddles 2 years ago as Covid didn't exist then. In normal times it's a bit strange to exclude family and I can see why people wouldn't bother (although it's sad if family stop bothering ) but this isn't normal times. Parents are within their rights not to want their baby passed the round, it's not a toy.
Any family member who couldn't wait a few,weeks or months to cuddle my baby wouldn't be worth worrying about IMO.

Flip

1 2 3