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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want family to hold my newborn

75 replies

PC7102 · 12/07/2020 22:42

I’m due to give birth this month and am not comfortable with anyone apart from my husband and necessary healthcare staff (midwives, doctors etc) holding my newborn. However my family seem to think that they should be able to hold my baby and keep asking me if they will be able to and when they can which is making me really irritated.
AIBU not letting my family hold my child? Are they BU for assuming they should able to?

Note: my family have not been socially distancing between themselves (multiple households) for months and some work outside the home

OP posts:
Doozy1991 · 12/07/2020 23:29

My baby is 16 weeks and besides being held by his father and sister the only other people are his grandparents.

Miljea · 12/07/2020 23:30

Absolutely. But....Don't go expecting the family to babysit your DC for a weekend or so down the track when you want 'a getaway'.

They may feel no sense of bonding with the DC, thus not want to do it.

GreenPlum · 12/07/2020 23:31

@gotothecooler

Although surely if that is the rule OP can simply tell people that? It doesn't matter what they think, OP can just reiterate she is following the guidelines.
Indeed
Natasha9511 · 12/07/2020 23:45

I’m due next week and my family and friends who are sensible will be invited to come to my house to see my baby. One of my friends has been galavanting to England (I’m in scotland) shopping multiple times now and will not be near my child considering there has been spikes in the places she has been. I will have hand gel at the door and trust them to not lick or sneeze on my baby 😂

p0rridge · 12/07/2020 23:53

What is wrong with people on here this evening? OP has asked a reasonable question given that there's currently a pandemic and nobody is supposed to come within 2m of one another, or 1m with a mask. To all those posters saying that OP shouldn't be surprised if family is disinterested, where have you been for the last few months?!
OP, my baby was born in April and nobody aside from DH and me have held him. End of story. Until the rules change, it's a simple answer - no. It's a complete sentence.

Lockdownmum1010 · 13/07/2020 00:03

We haven't let anyone outside the household hold our baby since lockdown, neither have most of the mum's in our baby group. We've done socially distanced visits since the restrictions have eased, and although we've not been super strict on the 2m rule with family, we haven't felt comfortable handing her around during the pandemic. Majority have understood, even if they aren't massively happy about it! I am certain her family don't love her any less, or feel any less bonded to her because they can't cuddle her at the moment.

Babymamma192 · 13/07/2020 00:04

YANBU my dd is 7 weeks old and we haven't let anyone else hold her and the only time anyone has seen her has been in the park at a distance! We won't be letting anyone else hold her until the guidelines allow it

ECBC · 13/07/2020 04:44

I would be seriously considering the same. It’s tough when people around you aren’t taking precautions as seriously either. Clearly lay out your terms for social distancing if that is what it will take for you to be comfortable. They can push all they want, it’s your decision. Sorry you got some shitty responses here. We’ve only just let gps get close to our 14 month old recently, and that’s because we’re all social distancing.

Nibblingoncrumpets · 13/07/2020 04:55

Have the midwives given you any guidance on this?

Isthisfinallyit · 13/07/2020 05:46

*Absolutely. But....Don't go expecting the family to babysit your DC for a weekend or so down the track when you want 'a getaway'.

They may feel no sense of bonding with the DC, thus not want to do it.*

I hate this kind of reasoning. People who adopt toddlers manage to bond with their children quite well, but if a grandparent doesn't get to hold a baby in their first week then suddenly there will never be a bond? That's just manipulative bullshit.

LisaxMarie · 13/07/2020 05:49

I'm due on Wednesday and other than my mum who has been really strict with her shielding because she's vulnerable herself, no one will be holding the baby. So far everyone has been understanding but we will see how long that lasts once she's here. I won't budge on it though. Babies health is my priority not my families feelings x

mrsBtheparker · 13/07/2020 05:56

The virus is a godsend to those who have a paranoia about anyone holding their baby!

Lolalovesmarmite · 13/07/2020 06:00

To those people questioning whether or not family will ‘bond’ with a newborn if they can’t hold it.....are you actually out of your minds?

Is your love for a tiny newborn baby dependent on being able to put its health at risk by holding it DURING A PANDEMIC? That’s one of the most ridiculous, selfish things I think I’ve ever heard. I have a 8 week old baby who has not even seen my family so far because they’ve been incredibly conscious of not wanting to endanger him. It upsets me a lot that my mum and dad haven’t met my baby but I don’t think for a second that they won’t ‘bond’ with him because they haven’t held him. They won’t treat him any differently to how they treat their other grandchildren because they are mature, responsible, caring ADULTS and not spoiled petulant children trying to emotionally blackmail a new mother into doing something she really isn’t comfortable with.

Wanderer1 · 13/07/2020 06:01

You are not unreasonable but they aren't for hoping to get a cuddle either. I'm due this week and my parents and siblings will get a cuddle if they are outside, have washed their hands, and wear a mask. For me the risk to new borns from CV is so infinitesimal that it's not worth preventing early family bonding, but that's my decision just as it's your decision not to allow holding. No one can judge what risks you are prepared to take, with CV or with any threat to your baby x

Monkeynuts18 · 13/07/2020 06:07

If you don’t want them to hold him you’ve got the simplest ready-made excuse in the world haven’t you - government guidance says they can’t?! No need to come out with any bollocks about his jabs (they aren’t going to give him diphtheria or polio).

Monkeynuts18 · 13/07/2020 06:26

@LisaxMarie

You and your mum’s decision of course but isn’t the far bigger risk that you and/or your baby contract the virus (asymptomatically) in hospital and then give it to your extremely vulnerable mum?

cansu · 13/07/2020 06:47

Hopefully, they won't bother and will forget about being excited about your new arrival. Doubtless by that point, you will be miffed that people aren't bothered about you!

Surely you would want close family members to meet your child? Could they wear PPE and have a cuddle if you are very concerned??

LisaxMarie · 13/07/2020 06:49

@Monkeynuts18 yes that is a risk which I have discussed with my mum.

Her view is that it is her last grandchild before she passes on (incurable lung cancer) and she would not want to miss out on that when she may not have long anyway.

My mum has been at the birth of all of her daughters children and this will be the only one she's missing out on due to the pandemic which she is gutted about.

The decision has been made and although I would feel awful about passing anything on, I would feel equally awful for denying her the chance to meet her grandchild should she pass before she has the chance

LisaxMarie · 13/07/2020 06:51

@Monkeynuts18 I'm also in a very low risk area with some of the lowest numbers of cases in the UK.

user1493413286 · 13/07/2020 06:56

To be honest with my newborns born before the pandemic I didn’t love them being held by others; something instinctual in me disliked it and I in general dislike the pass the parcel thing of holding a baby; I don’t think it’s good for them and is quite unsettling. I think you need to follow what you feel is best; they will have plenty of time to hold your baby in the future

Original poster
PC7102 · 13/07/2020 07:02

Absolutely! It is irritating me that my family care more about holding it than protecting it from the pandemic no matter how small the risks are.

Also if there was no pandemic I wouldn’t care at all about anyone holding my baby. I don’t know how so many people seem to have forgotten that this is happening in the world.

Thank you everyone for your advice Smile

OP posts:
Aber9 · 13/07/2020 07:03

On the basis it’s not permitted in the current social distancing guidelines, there’s no way anyone would be holding my newborn, but then I’m of the opinion that whole the individual risk is low, sticking to the rules is the only way to manage this.

And I wouldn’t worry about bonding, lots of socially distanced meetings, photos and videos (and your baby’s general cuteness) will sort that out. Plenty of people don’t live near their families and with a little effort, there’s no reason they can’t bond.

It sucks, but it’s for a reason, and it’s not forever.

onalongsabbatical · 13/07/2020 07:13

The virus is a godsend to those who have a paranoia about anyone holding their baby! Really? What an insensitive and frankly stupid thing to say!

OverTheRainbow88 · 13/07/2020 07:15

I agree with you, a 5min cuddle isn’t worth the risk in my view. My best friend had a baby 8 weeks ago and I visit in her garden and she’s always offering for me to hold her daughter, I would hate to feel responsible for making a tiny baby ill for a sake of a cuddle, so I’ve always said no.

EnglishRain · 13/07/2020 07:26

YANBU. I'm having a c section tomorrow and everybody knows we will be doing as midwives have said which is no one except health care practitioners, DH and I holding baby.

My PIL have been seeing their other DGC who's parents work outside the home, one in a risky environment. If PIL had self isolated or not seen their other DGC I'd be more open to thinking about letting them, but in the same breath I haven't brought it up because it's like saying choose between your DGC. My side of the family also work in risky environments, which makes them a definite no too.