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AIBU?

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Original poster

Birthday after miscarriage *could be sensitive

30 replies

Sceptre86 · 12/07/2020 00:52

My ds is turning 3 at the end of this month an we were planning a small party with his grandma at our home and then on his actual birthday a visit to my parents so that he could spend some time with them too (we have not visited in nearly a year). In the mean time my sister (who lives with my parents) has had a miscarriage. I spoke to my mum and said that I felt it may be upsetting for her for us to come over and I didn't want to be insensitive so we would come over another time, absolutely no issues or resentment on my side. My mum said she would double check with my sister ( I asked her not to) and would let me know. Sister said it was fine to come over, that she was excited to see the children. I have since found out that whilst she does want to see ds on his birthday she thinks I am a bitch for having a party for him at all ( even though this would be at my home) and that we shouldn't be having a celebration at all. She is not happy that we would be having a cake at my mum's house and thinks balloons or banners would be inappropriate. Sister's miscarriage was very early on in her pregnancy and I was asked not to share her pregnancy news with anyone including my dh. Am I being unreasonable in being upset that my mum couldn't be honest with me and say that we should meet up at another time especially when this is what I had said? I had wanted to avoid any further distress or upset but it looks like that is what has happened. Am I wrong in going ahead with the party at my home (by party I mean having cake, balloons and just their gran over)? Dh does not know about the miscarriage and whilst I do not like keeping secrets from him, did not want to go against sisters wishes as it was her news to share.

I appreciate that birthdays are not the be and end all but it is the first year that ds actually knows what a birthday is. We were not going to have lots of people over obviously due to covid, music or bouncy castles and the like but just food, cake and some decor. I also do not have social media accounts so pictures would not be posted on facebook or similar, at the most a picture of ds would probably be on my watsapp.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sceptre86 · 12/07/2020 00:53

*excuse the lack of paragraphs!

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 12/07/2020 00:54

I feel so sorry for your sister but she’s being ridiculous.

Barrowmanfan22 · 12/07/2020 00:56

I understand this is a difficult time for your sister but you cannot be expected not to celebrate your own child 's birthday. If DSis does not want DH to know, how will you explain having no celebration?

jpclarke · 12/07/2020 00:57

Was it her first baby? I have been through a miscarriage and although I wasn't feeling up to attending a family event a couple of weeks later I would not have stopped the family event happening and did not resent them for having it. A 3 year old does not understand your sister is in pain and needs to be reminded of this.

mylittlesandwich · 12/07/2020 00:58

Your sister is out of order here. I had a miscarriage. It hurt like hell. It did not however give me the right to cancel other people's birthdays. I'd stay away from her as she's clearly not thinking straight and it may lead to more upset all round. Have your party at home and have a lovely time.

Hopefully she'll realise she wasn't right to ask this of you but until then probably don't mention it to her. Just do what you were going to do.

BlueSuedeStiletto · 12/07/2020 00:59

Your sister is crazy.

What's happened to her is shitty, but the world doesn't stop turning every time there is a tragedy. Its shit, but its life.

Hope your DS enjoys his lockdown birthday Cake

sk283 · 12/07/2020 01:03

I had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. Today I celebrated my Neice's birthday. To celebrate the beauty she is. This takes nothing away from the grief of my absent child. But only adds to how I should celebrate the child who is here

JamieLeeCurtains · 12/07/2020 01:07

Who told you she thinks you're a 'bitch'?

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/07/2020 01:08

Just ignore her comments as coming from a place of grief and make arrangements that suit you and your son. She is being ridiculous but maybe your mum put her on the spot by the request and she had a kneejerk reaction.

jessstan2 · 12/07/2020 01:12

Are you absolutely certain of the facts here? You say you have 'since learned' but, presumably, not from the horse's mouth.

You need to speak to your sister.

I don't think it is unreasonable to have a small party for your son's 3rd birthday but there is no need to advertise it. The only ones who need to know about it are those attending.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2020 01:15

I have since found out that whilst she does want to see ds on his birthday she thinks I am a bitch for having a party for him at all ( even though this would be at my home) and that we shouldn't be having a celebration at all.

Who has told you this? It sounds like your sister is still grieving but was prepared to put a brave face on it for your sake. Has someone else been stirring?

The fact it was early is irrelevant, as is who else knew about her being pregnant.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2020 01:19

Hopefully she'll realise she wasn't right to ask this of you but until then probably don't mention it to her. Just do what you were going to do.

Where does it say the sister has said anything to the op, other than she would like to see the child on his birthday, she’s excited to see the kids, it’s fine to come over?

Twigletfairy · 12/07/2020 01:23

YANBU

Having a miscarriage is awful and can really mess with your head, but that doesn't mean you can be horrible towards other people. Your whole world comes crashing down, but the world around you carries on.

I attended my husband's nephew's birthday party at a soft play centre 5 days after my miscarriage. It hurt, it really fucking hurt. We stayed long enough for cake and presents and left as soon as it was polite to do so.

It is really hard to celebrate when you're in that kind of pain. I do get why she would be upset. But she can't expect you to not celebrate your son's birthday. Especially as the party is at your house so it's not like it's rubbing it in her face or anything. You mention about banners and stuff, is it just cake at your mum's or are you having decorations there too?

I would try not to take it personally. If she is normally a reasonable person I would try to let it slide. It's coming from a place of hurt. That doesn't make it right of course, but I would still try and be understanding of her pain

Original poster
Sceptre86 · 12/07/2020 08:34

Unfortunately sister and I are not very close despite me trying to reach out to her over the years. We are the closest in age and she has always been competitive with me. My youngest sister told me, I don't think she was shit stirring. She felt that it was a case of being damned if I do go over and damned if I don't and didn't want me to think middle sister was happy to see us when she clearly wouldn't be. Unfortunately it is not the first time my middle sister has used the words, 'bitch' to describe me and I think I need to accept that we just don't have much of a relationship. I do not want to cause anymore upset so will stay away but this means I don't get to see my parents this time and my dad in particular.

After my fil died middle sister had come to pay her respects over her 30th birthday weekend. She stayed at our home and did not have a party. It was five days after my fil died but we did get her a cake and dh had offered them the use of our car to take her out on a day trip. We were not expecting her over at the time and neither myself of dh would have begrudged her having a party at my mum's (they live four hours away). Dh was very apologetic that she was spending her 30th in such a way, again we were not expecting to see them. I had a big 30th birthday as I had a joint party with my mum who turned 50 the month after. She has commented that since she did not have a party out of respect for my fil (totally not expected by myself for dh) that I should not be having one for my son hence being called a bitch. This upset me as we both apologised for her not having the best 30th and we really did not expect her to show up at that time (fil's funeral had been days earlier).

We will still have the small party we were going to have at our home because my dh and his mum are unaware of the miscarriage and would find it weird if we didn't celebrate our son.

It was her first and I think I probably should have stuck to my guns and not considered going over in the first place.

OP posts:
Boohoohoohooho · 12/07/2020 09:20

My youngest sister told me, I don't think she was shit stirring

She was definitely shit stirring as was your Mum. What do you think your sister was trying to achieve by telling you? It was very unkind of her.

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2020 09:24

My youngest sister told me, I don't think she was shit stirring. She felt that it was a case of being damned if I do go over and damned if I don't and didn't want me to think middle sister was happy to see us when she clearly wouldn't be.

She might not have been happy to see you but she was prepared to pretend she was for your benefit. Your younger sister absolutely shouldn’t have told you.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 12/07/2020 09:35

How far along was she? I'm not sure if it makes a difference?

However, I lost a baby at 15 weeks and I was fucking traumatic.

No way was I in the frame of mind for a 3 year old party.
I was so utterly painfully depressed that I couldn't even get out of bed. I spiralled terribly.

Some people react badly to a loss, so I don't think she is being unreasonable.

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 12/07/2020 09:37

We will still have the small party we were going to have at our home because my dh and his mum are unaware of the miscarriage and would find it weird if we didn't celebrate our son.

And? It's your sisters private life and your mother in law shouldn't know about the miscarriage and it's neither here nor there if they choose to find her lack of presence 'weird'.

You're sounding incredibly self absorbed, OP.

Nottherealslimshady · 12/07/2020 09:47

No she's being unfair, go and celebrate your son with his grandparents. They've said it's ok so if you refused to go then you'd still be the bitch. She doesn't get to cancel your sons birthday because she lost a pregnancy.

Also, it was super rude and insensitive to turn up at your house unexpected to celebrate her 30th when your FIL had just died.

FluffyPJs · 12/07/2020 09:47

Dontbitetheboob - the OP is saying her sister said there should be no party at all for the 3 year old. How does the OP tell her husband and mother in law that they aren't giving the 3 year old his party without telling them about the miscarriage? This is her dilemma

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2020 09:54

the OP is saying her sister said there should be no party at all for the 3 year old.

And yet the sister has said nothing to the op. When you’re grieving, you can often have a horrible rant at what you think is a safe person knowing full well you’re out of order but you’re hurting and it’s a way of getting it out. The sister hasn’t refused to see the op or told her any of this. The only reason she knows is because the younger sister went snitching.

Lolalovesmarmite · 12/07/2020 09:59

It’s terribly sad that she had a miscarriage and there is nothing wrong with the fact that she clearly feels a great deal of grief and does not want to see someone else’s child and celebrate his birth. However, it’s selfish and self absorbed of her to expect you not to celebrate a 3 year olds birthday. Her sadness does not mean that everybody else has to stop living their lives. It would be reasonable of her to say that she would not be attending; it’s not reasonable of her to say you’re a bitch for celebrating your sons birthday. That’s ridiculous.

Brieminewine · 12/07/2020 10:29

Your sister (if what has been relayed to you is true) is being very unreasonable. She can’t expect you not to have a tea party for your son because she’s had an early loss that the attendees aren’t even aware of! It’s not like your asking her to attend and be the life and soul of the party. She’s the one who sounds self absorbed not you!

GinDrinker00 · 12/07/2020 10:35

Your sister is being ridiculous. Yes it’s very sad she had a miscarriage but life goes on. I’ve had ten miscarriages including very late losses and wouldn’t dream of doing that.
She needs to get over herself.

Winter2020 · 12/07/2020 10:46

Your sister choosing not to do much to celebrate her 30th due to sad circumstances is entirely different from not marking the birthday of a child who is turning 3!

Continue with your celebration at home. Your sister lives 4 hours away and has no need to know what you are doing. Perhaps don't even post the picture on a family WhatsApp this time just enjoy the moment.

Why not rearrange visiting your mum so it isn't on your son's actual birthday? Go a few days later or the following weekend. You could have a family day trip out on his actual birthday. That way when you visit your mum can give him his present, maybe have cake again etc but it needn't be a huge deal that dominates the visit. You could always say something has cropped up/ you or your other half has work or a meeting whatever so you have to delay. Don't make it about the situation so you don't create drama.

I hope your son has the lovely birthday he deserves. I hope your sister is ok.