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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel trapped by parenting?

34 replies

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 22:20

I should start this off by saying I have had the worst year of my life this year - a cancer scare which required surgery, chronic pain, financial worries and obviously lockdown stress. That being said, I felt this horrible trapped feeling even before this year happened.

I love DS but his dad has made my life a misery. He just does not take equal responsibility for him the vast majority of the time. He makes arrangements to work etc without even taking DS into consideration -at times he will tell me he can’t have DS because he’d been called into work, giving me literally an hour notice that he will not be coming.

I know the simple option would seem like I should expect nothing from his dad, to avoid disappointment/stress. But that doesn’t help really, when I’ve insisted on him seeing DS for set times, he ends up having him far less. I hate having to rely on him, but I don’t think my mental health can withstand never having a break.

I know this post probably sounds horribly self indulgent. I know DS didn’t ask to be born, I know I am responsible for him, I really do love him and feel close to him, but being the default parent for years has really worn me down. I kept thinking it will be easier once he’s older, easier once he’s in school, but none of it really changed the deep sadness I feel that I am totally isolated and lonely. I miss just being able to go and meet friends for lunch, or do anything fun or spontaneous. Times when DS’s dad has been really involved and genuinely done his share of the parenting have been the only times I have felt like I can actually breathe, although they’re always short lived.

The last few weeks I have felt constantly tearful. I just don’t enjoy my life anymore I feel like I have lost years of my life to feeling like this. I’m not depressed, I know that if DS’s dad stepped up for good, these feelings of sadness and being trapped would entirely go. I have tried to speak to a close friend about how I feel but it seems pointless as there’s no way out for me. I feel so guilty that I can’t enjoy being a parent more, DS deserves a lot better than me

OP posts:

Immigrantsong · 11/07/2020 22:23

YANBU OP. Parenting is relentless and often joyless, especially when you have little support and respite. I wish I knew what to say, but I too feel like that and I have a very supportive husband. It's just not enough.

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 22:23

Weekends are the worst because everyone is out having fun and I am always alone

OP posts:

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 22:25

@Immigrantsong I’m sorry you are feeling this way too. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on feeling like this, it’s quite unbearable at times

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 11/07/2020 22:32

I feel sorry for your DS if he's an only child. Do you have any grandparents on the scene? It sounds like his Dad tries to get out of having him & you don't seem to enjoy spending time with him.
How old is he? Could you afford a childminder or nanny to give you some headspace?
Why can't you have fun at weekends?

converseandjeans · 11/07/2020 22:32

MummyGoingItAlone · 11/07/2020 22:33

I feel exactly the same at times. I’m a single mum and whilst my son sees his dad, he’s not reliable or helpful and if anything, he makes my life harder.

Some days I just want to hide under a rock and sleep the day away. I then feel terribly guilty. We can only do our best and take each day as it comes (sometimes hour by hour!)

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 22:40

@converseandjeans he has no relationship with any family on his dad’s side. My parents see him occasionally. I can’t afford childcare. I have no childcare to ever go out or have fun.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 22:41

@MummyGoingItAlone I feel the same re his dad making things harder. I have wondered before if it would be easier if he just fucked off entirely, but I think it would cause more issues than it solves

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 11/07/2020 22:49

jade5000 that's a shame as grandparents could give you a break. I think lockdown has made things harder.
They're only little a few years though so it's not forever.
Do you have any friends who you could do reciprocal favours for? Take turns to have them overnight?

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 23:03

@converseandjeans I could ask my mum occasionally as she is still in good health and enjoys seeing DS. But I think it’s just living the same day over and over And never being able to do anything for myself that has drained me. I really enjoyed life pre DS. I had friends, interests, plans for the future. Now all I do is care for DS. That’s it, for years so far and still so many years to go until he is old enough to not need constant supervision.. I don’t want to wish years away but I can’t stand how things are right now. It feels worse than not existing at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 23:04

None of my friends have DC yet so I couldn’t do any babysitting swaps sadly.

OP posts:

Fatted · 11/07/2020 23:10

How old is DS?

You need to start asking for help from others. Get your parents to help out. Just one afternoon a month to yourself can make a huge difference.

I would work on the assumption dad isn't in the picture. Better told make plans without him than having him constantly letting you down.

Are you quite young OP? Are you the only one in your social circle with kids? Can you invite people round for drinks to your house etc rather than a night out? We did this with friends when they had DC before us.

LouiseTrees · 11/07/2020 23:21

I think you need to speak to your mum and tell her how you are feeling and could she help out more often.

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 23:29

@Fatted DS is 4 and I am 24. All of my old friends are still living the same lifestyle I was before I had him. Lots of fun and socialising. I knew that I would have to sacrifice a lot of that, and there would be big changes, but I didn’t realise having him would be the end of everything. I don’t think I will ever adjust to this

OP posts:

Original poster

Jade5000 · 11/07/2020 23:30

@Fatted yes I could have people over sometimes I’m just tired of the same four walls here all the time. I keep trying to snap out of feeling so shit all the time but it just isn’t working anymore

OP posts:

Northernsoullover · 11/07/2020 23:31

I could have written your post 10 years ago. I remember the trapped feeling very well. My childrens father never stepped up either. I'd get ready to go somewhere with it 50/50 that I'd end up going i used to say to my friends I have nothing to look forward to. Of course then everyone wonders how I could possibly say that when I have two wonderful children .

What made a difference? Um.. time. As they got older I could even go to zumba and they would sit on devices. I still see mums bringing young ones to exercise classes. Is your son old enough to sit quietly with a book or a device?. Also as a pp suggested friends came to me on weekend nights occasionally.
Its really hard but it does pass quickly. Mine can be left at home now when I work or go out. I still can't get away overnight but I'm used to it now.
Its not forever. It bloody well feels like it though.

LouiseTrees · 11/07/2020 23:35

I honestly think your mum could even take him one day every weekend. When he goes to school (which is soon) he might join clubs like football and you might meet more parenty friends or you might get more time to go for a coffee, meal, drink with friends.

Whoknowswhocares · 11/07/2020 23:42

Yanbu.
My OH was wonderful and I had help from my lovely parents just around the corner too. I still felt trapped and like I had abdicated my right to a life of my own. Which made my resent DS, then hate myself for it.

It does get better though. Try and take advantage of any help you can. OH whenever he deigns to put in an appearance (the git), your mum too. Any friends you could do a turn taking thing with? Sometimes looking after two is not such hard work, plus you get time off in lieu.
Have you told anyone in real life how you are feeling?

Porridgeoat · 12/07/2020 04:31

Try to make friends with people with people with children. Invite your dss best friends and parents for coffee and play often. Try eventually to gain reciprocal swaps with your DSs best friends once he has them at school.

Porridgeoat · 12/07/2020 04:43

Also text your good friends, parents and his family and tell them you’re struggling with how relentless parenting is with no breaks and ask if anyone would consider looking after him occasionally as a favour. Put dates in the diary and plan ahead. And hopefully if a few people come forward you’ll generally get a day off each week.

Think of and plan some things you’d like to start doing once you have time.

Porridgeoat · 12/07/2020 04:49

Also talking to his family via text could help. Including them in requests for help because of the relentlessness might cause them to have discussions with your ex.

Porridgeoat · 12/07/2020 04:51

I do think you sound depressed

Spinakker · 12/07/2020 06:24

I think it is because you are young and comparing yourself to others who have made different life choices to yours. It's true you won't be able to socialise like your friends without kids. I think you should explain to your mum you are feeling down and could she help you have a break more as your sons dad isn't helping much. Surely once your son starts school (September?) This will free you up a lot and if you are a sahm you could meet with friends for lunch of have people over? X

MindyStClaire · 12/07/2020 06:27

YANBU at all. I have times I feel like that, and that's with a supportive husband, full-time nursery and being in my mid 30s so all my friends have kids too and we can meet up with the children together.

Do you work, and do you have childcare for that? Maybe not at the minute I know, but under usual circumstances. If so, commit to taking a half day a month, leaving DS in childcare and doing something for yourself.

On your own with no support structure must be incredibly difficult OP. You're clearly putting all of your energy into DS, so you're clearly a great mum. It's so bloody tough though

converseandjeans · 12/07/2020 07:14

I can see how if you're 24 your mates are still going out. I think you need to change mindset - there are loads of other people out there you can hang out with. Basically you need to find some mates with kids going through same as you.

When he starts school he will meet new mates & you will have to make an effort to get to know other parents & from there you can build up to play dates.

Try to enjoy your DS - they really are only little for such a short time. Mine are 12 & 10 now and already don't want to spend all their time with us.

I agree you need to be direct with your parents & maybe DS Dad & make it clear you need a break.

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