To feel trapped by parenting?

[Jade5000]

I should start this off by saying I have had the worst year of my life this year - a cancer scare which required surgery, chronic pain, financial worries and obviously lockdown stress. That being said, I felt this horrible trapped feeling even before this year happened.

I love DS but his dad has made my life a misery. He just does not take equal responsibility for him the vast majority of the time. He makes arrangements to work etc without even taking DS into consideration -at times he will tell me he can’t have DS because he’d been called into work, giving me literally an hour notice that he will not be coming.

I know the simple option would seem like I should expect nothing from his dad, to avoid disappointment/stress. But that doesn’t help really, when I’ve insisted on him seeing DS for set times, he ends up having him far less. I hate having to rely on him, but I don’t think my mental health can withstand never having a break.

I know this post probably sounds horribly self indulgent. I know DS didn’t ask to be born, I know I am responsible for him, I really do love him and feel close to him, but being the default parent for years has really worn me down. I kept thinking it will be easier once he’s older, easier once he’s in school, but none of it really changed the deep sadness I feel that I am totally isolated and lonely. I miss just being able to go and meet friends for lunch, or do anything fun or spontaneous. Times when DS’s dad has been really involved and genuinely done his share of the parenting have been the only times I have felt like I can actually breathe, although they’re always short lived.

The last few weeks I have felt constantly tearful. I just don’t enjoy my life anymore I feel like I have lost years of my life to feeling like this. I’m not depressed, I know that if DS’s dad stepped up for good, these feelings of sadness and being trapped would entirely go. I have tried to speak to a close friend about how I feel but it seems pointless as there’s no way out for me. I feel so guilty that I can’t enjoy being a parent more, DS deserves a lot better than me

Talk to your mum about getting some time off, maybe she could be on stand by to pick up, when he dad doesn’t as he says. So you can still make and keep your plan.

Try and suggest things to your friends that could be done during the day on the weekend and that you could bring your DC too. Do any have any interests or hobbies that the others arn’t into and delighted to have someone take an interest. Are any a bit into ‘childish’ things like fun fairs

Try and make Mum friends, if your younger see if there are any groups for younger Mums.

Try and have one thing to look forward to each weekend

He’s 4, you said? Does he go to a nursery or minder for his 15/30 free hours? If not I’d look into this as a priority.

It's really hard and I agree that asking your parents for more regular help might be a good idea, plus once school starts you'll find opportunities for more 'mum' friends where you can at least talk to each other while the kids play and then work up to playdates that give you a couple of hours free. My partner had his son v young and at 40, is now almost 'free' again as his DS is off to uni. I've still got 10 years to go and am envying his freedom but I had my twenties free. It comes around.
Also my ex, who sees the kids eow only talks about the 'joy and privilege' of parenting and thinks badly of me if make it sound like a chore. He can fuck right off. Doing everything day in day out, popping to the shops being a mission that requires planning, packing a bag and moaning etc is draining and dull, no matter how delightful your child is.

And when is he off to school?

You are entitled to 15 free hours at a nursery/childminder. This September he will be starting school presumably? That is just 8 weeks away. Hold tight OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Do you work? Once he is at school, you might find you have a little more money to pay a babysitter for an evening out once in a while. Or, better still, make friends with some of his classmate mums (there are plenty of mums in their 20s at my Dd’s School). Then you can do some reciprocal childcare.

I've been there. I promise you it gets better, sooner than you think too.

I was a similar age to you, DD's father was also a prat, I started really feeling the stress when she was a similar age, though I'd not found it too bad til then.

If your mum is supportive, get her to take DS for a weekend. Go and see some mates, plan a night out, do exactly what you want.

I did this (thank you for ever mum) and it was a proper break. I hadn't had more than 3 hours at a time away from my DD before I did this. I actually went to visit some mates at uni, then had a four hour long bath with a pile of books it properly snapped me out of the way I was feeling and rested me. I never felt that trapped feeling to that extent afterwards.

Also DD's dad disappeared for good before her 5th birthday, despite my absolute battle to try and keep him in her life

Let me tell you, that was BLISS

Also second the idea to get involved in something.

I live near mountains, and once DD was about 5 I started getting involved in family hiking groups, and climbing groups - see if there's a climbing wall local to you. They are amazing, especially for small boys I think. Lots of nice looking hairy young men at mine too! As the kids got older, there started to be adults only then teens only hikes as well. A single mum friend of mine started in a kayaking group with her young son. Get him into Scouts and offer to volunteer. The adult company you get through your child can be a wonderful thing, often you meet a richer and more varied group of people than you would if you were going along the usual mkd 20s path.

Think outside the box, try things you aren't sure you'd be interested in

BUT GET YOUR MUM TO TAKE HIM FOR A WEEKEND

If you're like me you'll struggle to ask until you're on your kneees, through pride, but if she's a nice mum she'll want to help - wouldn't you?

He’s 4? So he starts school in September? Well you’ve got 7 weeks and he’s going to be out of the house for 6 hours a day.

And yes, you can ask your mum.

Truthfully this is just what it’s like having kids. Unless you have family childcare you’re stuck in the house for a decade and a half. Your friends will be stuck from maybe 30 until mid 40s - you’ll be free by mid 30s.