for DH to speak to his kids mum... *Sensitive*

[NotAWickedStepmum]

DH has two teenage kids with his ex. Ex's partner sadly passed away nearly two years ago but she really hasn't got over it.
Yesterday the kids broke down to DH, said they don't want to be there anymore because of how she is. The house is pretty much a shrine to the partner, everything of his is still left in the house. She is obviously grieving and struggling. The kids do EVERYTHING in the house and she stays in bed.
They're fed up, they want their mum back. When one of them tried to talk to her she got really angry and accused them of wanting to forget about him.
Obviously they stay with us but at some point will go back to her.
Her family have tried to talk to her but she's fallen out with them.
The kids have begged DH not to tell her but he feels he needs to do something for the kids sake.
In the past he has given her links etc for counselling, helped out financially etc but he really doesn't know what to do.
I'm really not trying to sound evil, I really feel for her but I don't know what to suggest either...

I’m sorry, OP, that sounds like an awful situation. I don’t really know what to suggest - maybe some sort of sit-down intervention with all of her family, your DP and the kids where they gently explain to her that she needs some help? Hopefully someone will be along in a minute who knows more about grief and has some advice.

Could kids live with you and just do day visits to mums house? If they could then their dad needs to go and talk to ex that thos is happening. Could be the wakeup call that she needs counselling

Your partner’s kids are the priority - he should let them stay if they want. Maybe losing them might be the trigger she needs to get help.

It's a very sensitive topic, what an awful situation. I'm not even sure if what I say will help, but it sounds as though she is severely depressed, needing some help.
I think your partner will have to thread carefully with this situation - does she have any other family who could also be of some support and maybe all sit down and have a talk about how she is feeling - what could help in the home etc

I'm really not sure, it's a real tough one. There's always someone on here who knows what's best to say, hopefully they won't be too long and you can get some proper answers
💐

I'd be very surprised if there's one right answer to dealing with this, it sounds very complicated and I'm sorry you're struggling. I can only think of certain practical things that may help; such as gently offering to have the kids stay with you for as long as she would like them to. Not in any way as a punishment and not telling her that the kids don't want to be there with her. She might just need some time to grieve in her own space and come to realise she misses her children.

As they're both teenagers, it sounds like a perfect storm; she lost her partner and her children are going through all sorts of changes, and aren't likely to deal with mum's emotions well while they're struggling with their own. They can't be blamed for that of course, it just really sounds to me like some extra hands might be required to help everyone settle back into their own headspace. She does need counselling. Teens can be judgemental at the best of times.

I hope things start to get easier for you all.

Very sorry I forgot to add my second suggestion. Still in the category of the DCs emotions. I can't think of any teenager who can articulate how they feel without breaking down if it's a stressful topic. Most adults struggle with that. Is your DH able to encourage them to write down how they feel? One letter for their eyes only, and one for them to show him, or even their mum, to tell them how they feel?

Thank you for all the lovely replies.
Unfortunately their mums house is over an hour and a half away. They're settled in school / friends etc there.
They stay with us weekends and holidays and we have they said they can stay as long as they want.
Her siblings and parents have tried to talk to her (one of the kids confided in her sister) but she got defensive and doesn't speak to any of them now 😔
Yes, I agree, she's severely depressed. She has seen a lot of mediums who have given her a lot of false hope which isn't helping her move on either.
I wondered whether some sort of social services would be able to help / intervine?
School have already been great with counselling for them both.
Thank you again..

I would honestly ask the kids if they want to move in with you permanently and Visit there mum on weekends.. explain changing homes will mean changing schools though and making new friends...

If they say yeh then I would put plans in motion. It’s unhealthy for them to be around that still after so long.
She won’t get help if she doesn’t want it but you need to put the kids first and the only thing you can do for them is let them live with you.

I agree with the above. It does seem incredibly harsh to consider asking her children if they want to leave but at the same time these are very difficult circumstances. It may even just be the suggestion that helps her to realise she needs to change something. I'm really sorry, I'm no expert, I'm just thinking out loud. Sometimes mediums can be a blessing and sometimes they're a curse. I personally can't abide by them but I have seen them provide comfort to my mum in difficult times and I would never have told her to stop seeing them.

That poor woman and those poor kids. What a horrible situation. Are her family helping her?

Put the dc first.
Let them move in.
Tell them the mum.needs serious help with her mh.
.maybd dc moving in with dh for a while over summer hols will push her to get help. And not from a medium....
Dc as teens can decide where to live. And certainly where to spend summer .
They can speak to their gp and at least then gp can take that information.

Do you have a good relationship with their mum OP? Maybe a friend is what she needs right now, or if not could your husband maybe visit and see how she is? Cant imagine the poor woman needs social services on top of losing her partner less than 2 years ago. This lady needs help not more problems.

They not to stop treading on egg shells and realise this lady needs psychological and psychiatric help.
Sure she s grieving but she needs to accept help .
They have to force it.
Dc should not have to live like this.
Take dc in make it clear she needs to accept help. Family friends dc are not trained to help with this level of grief. She can get help to recover

shd needs psychological help from someone trained.
This is way beyond a friend dropping in for a shoulder to cry on.

Let them live with you over the summer. The kids need a bit of normality.

I'm going to approach this from a different angle because it is the one I know. My dh died 7 years ago. The dc were really young. My family were supportive for about 6 months and after that, they started berating me for not getting over it. Fortunately, due to always having a slightly bonkers family, we had amazing friends and they carried me through the first 5 years. You don't get over it in a year, nor two years. I'm a really optimistic and positive, energetic person, but 7 years later I'm still thinking of my dh every day and we talk about him most days. We move forward with our lost partners in the centre of what we do, not on.

After 2 years, this lady obviously needs some support, but I do wonder if her family have behaved like mine, and maybe she had less supportive friends. I never took to bed - my dc were too young, but I can see why you might.

Has she found WAY Widowed and Young? If she was under 51, this is key to finding people who really understand.

I think you will have to approach it from a 'We want to help. What do you need?' point of view. You could suggest having the kids for the holidays to give her some space to get well, but be very aware that they may well be the only reason she is still alive. She needs some one to check in every day and some one who can listen. I know that can't be her ex, but maybe he still has access to her old friends.

Obviously, I know the children need to come first and I was always well enough to be able to put mine first. I know a lot of widows who go through spells when they are not. Joining WAY could really help (and we have a helpline for counselling too, as well as constant peer to peer support). I'm glad you both want to help, but your comment about moving on worried me. I'm sorry if my response is rather full on.

Sorry, it was 'got over it', not 'moved on' that you said. I haven't got over it and never will. I live an amazing life though, despite still missing my dh.

It sounds like she needs professional psychological help though.
She is staying in bed all day leaving her dc to do everything.

And she is refusing family help.
She may need psychological even psychiatric specialist bereavement support.
The dc also need support to see their mum needs something more in terms of support

If she’s in bed all day and unable to look after the kids then she needs psychiatric help, possibly an inpatient stay. You or your partner need to contact her GP and ask them to request a mental health act assessment. Then if she won’t agree to help, she can be sectioned and treated. This is not a safe environment for the kids and you need to act.

Thank you again.
I am in no way trying to sound like she should be over it by now or have moved on. It's been heartbreaking to see and I really feel for her.
The kids of course will stay with us but as much as they'd like to stay I know they feel responsible for her and don't like to leave her alone. Her social media is daily updates of how much she misses him and how she will be with him one day again. A medium told her he is waiting for her. The kids see this on her SM too.
I didn't mean reporting her to SS, I meant from a support kind of thing but it sounds like GP might be best. I think the letter idea would be a good idea too, it might be easier than talking.

As a relatively new widow (4 years) my heart goes out to her. She really needs professional help but please don't ask the DC to move in permanently just yet. Sit and talk to her, be gentle as can be and let her know you are there to help her and not take her kids away. It could be the massive kick she needs.. Getting better for her DC to come home. I think right now if she finds out her DC are moving permanently it might push her over the edge to lose more people whom she loves. Its a horrible awful situation to be in. For me my girls were 12, 8 and 3 at the time with younger DC having ASD so I had no choice but to get out of bed. For that I'm so thankful x

It is normal for her to do that. I didn't do it, but I know several widows who have. It sounds as if she is desperately trying to show people how she is feeling and perhaps people have stopped listening or caring. Your address book changes dramatically when you are widowed, especially if your (her) family are not on board. Could you encourage the children to unfollow her for now so they don't see it every day?

Peakygal, you put it so nicely. I hope you have found WAY. We have a subgroup for widowed parents of children with additional needs (and I'm in it too).

I am in no way trying to sound like she should be over it by now or have moved on. It's been heartbreaking to see and I really feel for her.

A bereavement like this is not something you ever "get over". You really need to stop making references to "getting over it"! She won't. That's not how it works and you would be better placed to genuinely support if you educated yourself enough to understand that.

Your completely unrealistic and ignorant expectations are not helping either.

@user135664323455 OP was not suggesting the mum should be over it by now. But as a mother you have to look after your children and it sounds like she’s not doing a very responsible job of that. They come first.

@user135664323455

I am in no way trying to sound like she should be over it by now or have moved on. It's been heartbreaking to see and I really feel for her.

A bereavement like this is not something you ever "get over". You really need to stop making references to "getting over it"! She won't. That's not how it works and you would be better placed to genuinely support if you educated yourself enough to understand that.

Your completely unrealistic and ignorant expectations are not helping either.

Where have I been unrealistic or ignorant?! Every other comment has been supportive so go be negative on anothet forum. I understand that's not how it works and have tried to state that. I'm on here asking for advice because we don't know how to handle it!

Thank you to all the other posters. We all had a good talk this morning (with the children and us). They want to go back because they're worried mum will do something stupid without them there. DH is going to try and talk to her and offer some support. Thank you again.