To be sad that I’ll never ever be able to wake up, look in the mirror...

[AngryPancake]

And be happy with the reflection I see.

I’m 42, I’m morbidly obese. I don’t have scales but I’m about a size 16 (which I know is a “real” size 20) and at 5’9 I just look like a giant. I must be about 15/16 stone. After suffering from depression, anxiety and stress for so many years it all caught up with me. My last course of ADs has made me pile on weight and I barely recognise myself. I think I may have developed lipedema too as my legs have become alarmingly enormous. I’ve always been quite fat but now I barely recognise the monster looking back at me. I just hate my body. I thought I hated my body before but now I utterly despise it. I’ve tried my absolute hardest during lockdown to lose a bit of weight and I have lost some but it’s pointless really, as as even when I have the slightest slip up the weight literally piles back on so quickly. I’m so ashamed. I don’t own scales because I have literally spent the last 40 years obsessing over them. I’m absolutely crippled with fear at the thought of going back out and mixing with people again because of how ashamed I am about my body.

I know that there’s no escaping that society sees obese people as the scum of the earth, and it just worries me that I’m going to have to present myself to the world again as en even fatter version than I was a year ago.

My DH tells me I’m nice, but I hate him touching me.

So how can I accept myself? How can I be happy with my body when I know everyone else hates me for it?

Similar situation here op, I was almost 15stone (5ft 7) after being on antidepressants. While on the ADs I didn't care about the weight gain as I was feeling so positive. At the beginning of May I started to feel uncomfortable walking around/bringing the kids for a walk and knew it had to change.
I got scales, joined a weight loss group, tried to exercise 3 times a week. It's been really hard and although it feels like the weight is coming off so slowly, I just realised I have lost almost a stone in two months, which I am really happy with.
I've had some weeks where I've lost 2 pounds, some where I've lost nothing at all, two really bad weeks (with lots of treats) where I gained. After I gain, if I start eating healthily again the gain seems to come straight back off.
I weigh myself every morning, it helps me keep on track. You probably do need scales so you can see the progress you are making, no matter how small it is.

I am 5'9" and wear size 16 clothes, 14 on a good day only.

I don"t weigh 15 or 16 stones or anywhere near. You say you "must be" that weight; have you actually weighed yourself or are you guessing?

Morbidly obese means you are in danger of dying from being overweight. Size 16 is not morbidly obese. It's not even fat. You might be larger than you prefer or "well built" but you are not obese at size 16. I know MN thinks that anyone over 8 stones and a size 8 is fat but that's crap tbh.

OP, start focusing on getting fit. Not weight loss or body shape. But learn how better to use the body you have. Make it strong and as flexible as you can. Weights, yoga, walking. Even if you over eat, or eat rubbish, also eat healthy food to nourish your body. I'm a similar size to you. 14-16 but only 5'4". I'm just trying to sort out a better relationship with my body. I know my eating is very problematic. But there's no reason I can't work out anyway, and paint my nails and generally try to look after my body. Would this sort of gentle approach work for you?

Okay, it's time for both a big hug and a slap round the chops with a wet kipper!

I’m 42, I’m morbidly obese. I don’t have scales but I’m about a size 16 (which I know is a “real” size 20) and at 5’9 I just look like a giant. I must be about 15/16 stone.
If you are a size 16 and 5'9" you are NOT morbidly obese.

I think I may have developed lipedema too as my legs have become alarmingly enormous.
Get yourself to the doctor and get them to check.

I know that there’s no escaping that society sees obese people as the scum of the earth,
How can I be happy with my body when I know everyone else hates me for it?
Utter tosh, no one hates you or thinks that obese people are the scum of the earth, and the few that are judgmental are morons who don't matter one tiny bit and are probably the same people who think puppies are ugly!

I really am ok mental health wise at the moment. I do worry about relapsing and then of course going back into meds that cause me to grow even larger.
You really aren't if you are having these thoughts, why did you come off Sertraline, did you do it on the doctor's recommendations or was it your own decision? Not all antidepressants have the same weight-gain effects, I was on Citalopram and didn't have any problems and I have hypothyroidism so am prone to easy weight gain.

I just want to know what it’s like to look in the mirror and feel amazing! It must be such an incredible feeling?
Very few people look in the mirror and think they look amazing, even the prettiest people I know are critical of themselves!

I can’t really afford to pay for any private treatment with counsellors or therapists!
Get thee back to the doctor's and get on the NHS list for treatment.

I’ve tried my absolute hardest during lockdown to lose a bit of weight and I have lost some but it’s pointless really, as as even when I have the slightest slip up the weight literally piles back on so quickly.
Okay then, well done for starting but stop with the defeatist attitude, you are your own worst saboteur! Carry on with what you are doing. Baby steps. One less chunk of cheese, one less square of chocolate. One more walk to the corner of the street and back again, one more amble round the park. Gather the momentum and go further, stop trying to put obstacles in your own way, life will throw you the odd curve ball as it is without you helping! Sign up to MyFitnessPal (it's free) log your stats and follow what they recommend. If you don't have kitchen scales, invest in a digital set, cheap as chips on amazon! The discussion boards are great, go and have a read, you'll read something on there from people in the same and much worse situations. You'll find inspiration / hints and the odd kick up the behind from reading the posts. And if you have a question, ask! Lots of people on there are really knowledgeable and have had real life experience.

And after all that, remember - you are not worthless, you should not be ashamed BUT you are responsible for the decisions you make with regards to what you eat, how much you exercise and the mindset you have about your reflection! So..... decision time, I think you're worth a shot, do you?! All the very, very best to you!

@LittleMissRedHat

Brilliant! Very well said

I don't think this is about your body. That's a lot of self-loathing you've got going on for a figure that really isn't that bad.

How is the rest of your life? You say you are in a good place MH wise, but it doesn't sound it, it just sounds as though you've turned all your anger and hatred at the world inwards onto your body.

You are fine. Something else may be wrong, but you, your body and your weight are not the problem here.

Join David Lloyd, best thing I ever done. I like to go later in the evening when I have the place to myself. Classes are great, the relaxation is amazing with steam room & jacuzzi etc. They also have a tracking machine where you can monitor your progress online. Not to mention the mental health benefits of exercise. 💐

Not to mention the mental health benefits of exercise. 💐

One of the best treatments for depressive illnesses so my medic friends tell me!!

why is everybody trying to convince the OP that it is all in her head? fat phobia is very real, and society's contempt for fat people gets internalised, this is why some people end up hating themselves

of course, not everybody thinks that way, in the same way that not everybody is racist, but that doesn't mean fat-phobia and racism don't exist

OP, you have to start getting angry, there is nothing wrong with you, the wrong is with a shallow, looks-obsessed society that judges women by their weight, it is not you, it's them! even if you were morbidly obese (which you are not!) you'd deserve love and respect. You don't have to change!

If you do want to lose weight, for the love of God, don't go on a calorie restriction diet! they will wreck your metabolism and condemn you to yo-yoing all your life! maybe look into intermittent fasting? there's plenty of info around, it does wonders for your mood and strength, too!

why is everybody trying to convince the OP that it is all in her head

Simply put- because self esteem has to come from within and not from the validation of others.

If your self esteem is externally based- eg on the opinions of others, it will be shaky, fluctuating and wont last and it will change like the wind depending on who you speak to. If your self esteem is internally based, it will be rock solid and it wont matter what other people's opinions of you are. The OP stated that everyone thinks fat people are "the scum of the earth". Thats OTT. I would imagine thats the kind of phrase people reserve for paedophiles, not for those size 16.

I dont disagree with you that our society is focused on being thin. I agree, it is. However, the OP cannot begin to allow people to love her and accept her if she thinks of herself as a "monster"- her own words. How on earth can you expect others to love and accept you if you despise yourself? No. Self esteem comes from within and it should come first- other people's validation comes later and it comes second.

Most diets are calorie-restriction though missperegrine. That's how losing weight works. Even intermittent fasting is restricting the time you have available to ingest calories, so restriction that way.

Calories in must be less than calories out. It's basically the only way to lose weight.

But I don't think OPs problem is her weight.

Hi OP, it does sound as though you need therapy of some sort. Discussing with a professional will help you discover where your issues came from, the root of it all, and once you understand that you can start to work on changing how you feel about yourself and the weight issues will follow once you have done this. You should never blame yourself for this, the feelings and subsequent eating disorder, must have come from somewhere - some difficult event or family issues in childhood, or trauma or something - even something small from something somebody said at a time when you were feeling vulnerable. Often people are not aware of this, blame themselves rather than looking to the root cause. Address the root and everything else will resolve. Best of luck op x

I don't think this is a weight issue this level of self loathing must be such a load to bear.
To be honest I'm exactly your height size and weight and look fine,good even.
Honestly am not defined by my bmi my body can run 10k has carried and birthed 2 children and I'm never unwell.
Don't wait to start living until you are a certain size or weight . I have settled on this weight ,have been much heavier (still worthy and decent and still loved clothes) As I cant be arsed spending my life counting calories to fit into some ideal .
Imagine we all stopped dieting and feeling shite about ourselves how many businesses would go out of business. We are marketed at constantly our loathing used to sell .
Try being kind to yourself,exercise to have a strong body .Your value doesn't come from your weight or lack of it.

I'm your height and weight, 15 stone, and I'm fat but not morbidly obese and neither are you!

Angry Pancake.
I’m 5ft 10 and have recently lost four stone, which is near my ideal weight. Like you I thought that being slim would change my life, everything would be easy and fun. Friendships would be better, I’d be more popular and have an amazing social life. I’d be more chatty, more vibrant. Clothes would look amazing and I wouldn’t have to dress purely for disguising my blubber. All my problems were down to my weight.

So after decades of feeling like this, I somehow found myself in the right headspace to lose the weight. It was hard but I did it. I’ve bought new clothes. It’s good.

BUT ... it’s nothing like I thought it would be. My life, for most practical purposes is the same. My friends noticed the weight loss of course and congratulated me briefly, them moved on to more interesting topics of conversation. I began to realise my weight was unimportant and quite boring to them, either fat or slim. When I went to supermarket, all I was thinking about was getting everything on the list, not how I wasn’t fat any more and how nice I looked. I know absolutely that no one there gave one shit about whether I was fat or thin or how I was dressed.

I also struggle with my mental health. I have a 40 year history of depression and low self esteem. Guess what, losing weight had no impact whatsoever on my mental wellbeing. Not wanting to go out, anxiety, avoiding people - all things that I thought would be sorted out by losing weight - have not been. It’s actually quite frightening.

What all the above illustrates and what other posters have said is that struggles with mental health and being overweight are two very different things which need tackling differently. Mental health first, which you are doing. I wouldn’t write off hypnotherapy until you’ve tried it. It may not work but it just might. I would also consider meditation for nurturing general mental health wellbeing. Loads of good YouTube stuff. I was extremely sceptical until I was forced into trying it. It now helps me a lot. Again, it might not be for you, but it’s worth a try.

My main message to you is not too keep your life on hold because you are overweight. Life is short and I wish I’d not wasted so much of mine thinking about my appearance. I suspect you won’t believe me but nobody else cares. Do you ‘hate ‘ other people who you see or know because they are fat ? I bet you don’t and the vast majority of people don’t either.

You sound like a very sensitive kind person, who deserves to be happy and at peace NOW, not just also at some point in the future when you are slim. I know what I’ve said sounds rather wanky, but I’ve been where you are and I’m further down the line. Please have faith in me and all the other posters who tell you that you are not hateful for being fat. You are also not on your own.

Take care of yourself and show yourself little kindnesses every day.
Xxx

You’re not a monster. Appreciate your body for what it can do, not how it looks. Go walking. Start doing yoga or Pilates - there are loads of free beginner classes on YouTube. Or find another easy, low impact exercise programme - again, YouTube is your friend. Even if you start with just 10 minutes a few times a week, I promise you will start feeling better about yourself. And feeling better about yourself is the first step to making permanent, positive changes.

I also wanted to add that losing weight successfully is much more likely when you are in a strong, calm and self confident frame of mind. Not when you are desperate and self loathing.

This is a mental health issue OP, not a weight issue. I’m significantly bigger than you and don’t feel anything like you do.

I suggest you look at rebelfit and also consider restarting medication for your mental health.

I’ve never really believed in hypnotherapy I don’t think it can work. I despise my body so much, that I know there’s no amount of hypnotherapy that will ever change that!

But what you say is testament to the power of hypnotherapy. Every time you say how you despite your body you're brainwashing yourself to believe in that. All hypnotherapy does in essence is tell you the opposite so you can start to believe that or at least have a more balanced perspective. If you can't afford a therapist, there are numerous apps and audiobooks that are worth trying before you write it - and yourself - off.

@SoulofanAggron

Not all anti-depressants are equal when it comes to weight gain. If you ever have to be on them again you could try a different one.

Have you spoken to your GP specifically about losing weight? He could put you on Orlistat, which helps some people. You can buy it in Boots as Alli, but at a lower dose.

15/16 stone isn't ridiculously massive. If you've managed to lose weight over lockdown you're some sort of genius.

You can do it

Oh God no I know people who have used this and end up shitting themselves in public .

I've no real insights here, OP, but my first thought was '5' 9" and size 16 is quite a long way from 'morbidly obese'.

And I scroll down the thread and see lots of people have said the same thing.

I suspect it's not as simple for you, but you really should try to take that onboard

I agree with above post. You need to sort your head out not your body. I have aDD aged 17 who thinks she is ugly. She is 6'3" and absolutely beautiful. She has been told all her life that she should be a super model but instead sites and thinks about what plastic surgery she needs. I have a DD who is 13 who is convinced everyone is laughing at her ugliness whenever she leaves the house. She tells me every day that is her bum was bigger she would be ok. She is 5'9 and also beautiful but both of them feel so ugly they barely want to leave their rooms. I tell them all the time that it is what they are like as people that is important but all they hear and see on social media is about the perfect body. We need to move to a society where caring about your health is important but not about what you look like so much. I am 6'1 and very large. I have always been big and I have size 11 feet too. However, I have a husband who loves me, a job I love, good friends and a strong faith. I am happy. I would love to be a few stone lighter so some of my pre baby clothes fitted me again but I am able to walk miles, work full time, and do everything I want to.
My suggestion to you would be to stop looking in the mirror, start counting your blessings and focus on the positives in your life. As you become more positive generally you may find you comfort eat less and lose weight anyway but change your goals. All the best.

I find the fact that appearance is so important in women's lives incredibly depressing - not just the OP, but many women. Sure, be clean and tidy, but apart from that, who cares?

Being a good parent and partner, making a pleasant home for yourself, being a good friend and part of your community, working hard at your job (whether you enjoy it or not, though finding one you enjoy is best), being creative in the way that suits you, doing something (anything) which helps the environment and something which helps people less fortunate than you are ALL many times more important than the way you look. You don't need to lose weight to do any of those things right now and frankly they should be your priorities..

Somewhere along the way we have lost sight of how important it is to be a good person and focussed entirely on buying stuff and whether we look like Kim Kardashian - that is really messed up priorities and it means we value ourselves solely by appearances, which are largely a genetic lottery and guarantees we feel crap about ourselves.

Life is far more than how we look. Sure, lose weight for yourself if you think you would be healthier, but please don't lose sight of the fact that your appearance should be 1% of your life not 99%.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter I don't disagree with you at all, we all need to go through that process of freeing ourselves form internalised society views, but I think it is important to recognise that the OP is not imagining it, there IS contempt of fat people in our society, and it is bloody hard to learn to react and not care!

That's how losing weight works. Even intermittent fasting is restricting the time you have available to ingest calories, so restriction that way.

Sorry, I totally disagree, this is a very simplistic understanding of how fasting works, the main driver is hormones, not calories in/calories out, so much so that one of the challenges with intermittent fasting is NOT to reduce your caloric intake to avoid tanking your metabolism, and before anybody comes up with the first law of thermodynamics, we are not furnaces, we are complex biological systems.

look up Dr Fung's work, very illuminating!

My BFF is huge! A size 28! From the moment I met her I fell in love with her personality. She is always smiling and bubbly. She never has a bad word to say about anyone and people really take to her. Of course the first thing we all notice about her is her size but then her personality takes over and you stop seeing it. She always wears bright clothes with confidence, She’s very well groomed, does her nails, make-up and hair every day. I really just Don’t SEE her size. I just see how classy she looks.

I do thinks this is down to your confidence OP. Definitely cut down on sugary stuff. My DH was pre diabetic and had to go on the blood sugar diet. I wasn’t prepared to cook 2 different meals so also cut down on sugar and swapped white bread, pasta, rice for wholemeal. I ate lots more veg too. It made a huge difference. I inadvertently lost 2 stone and felt so revitalised. Could you try that just as as a starter? Try to get a lot more exercise too. I don’t mean to sound preachy and I know you’ve heard all this before but it really does work. It will boost your mood and confidence.

I don’t think people are looking down at you. Probably most people are just getting on with their lives and not paying any attention. Just hold your head up and stride out. See your doctor about your legs and if you feel you need antidepressants but diet and exercise are better in the long run. It will take a huge concerted effort to start and will take a good 3 months to start seeing results but you should start to feel better and most importantly more confident. Good luck OP 💐