To be sad that I’ll never ever be able to wake up, look in the mirror...

[AngryPancake]

And be happy with the reflection I see.

I’m 42, I’m morbidly obese. I don’t have scales but I’m about a size 16 (which I know is a “real” size 20) and at 5’9 I just look like a giant. I must be about 15/16 stone. After suffering from depression, anxiety and stress for so many years it all caught up with me. My last course of ADs has made me pile on weight and I barely recognise myself. I think I may have developed lipedema too as my legs have become alarmingly enormous. I’ve always been quite fat but now I barely recognise the monster looking back at me. I just hate my body. I thought I hated my body before but now I utterly despise it. I’ve tried my absolute hardest during lockdown to lose a bit of weight and I have lost some but it’s pointless really, as as even when I have the slightest slip up the weight literally piles back on so quickly. I’m so ashamed. I don’t own scales because I have literally spent the last 40 years obsessing over them. I’m absolutely crippled with fear at the thought of going back out and mixing with people again because of how ashamed I am about my body.

I know that there’s no escaping that society sees obese people as the scum of the earth, and it just worries me that I’m going to have to present myself to the world again as en even fatter version than I was a year ago.

My DH tells me I’m nice, but I hate him touching me.

So how can I accept myself? How can I be happy with my body when I know everyone else hates me for it?

Your view of yourself sounds really skewed. Size 16 might be overweight, but it's also fairly common and I doubt there are many people looking at you thinking you are out of the ordinary let alone "scum".

Size 16 at 5,9 doesnt sound that bad. I'd have thought that less than a 12 - 14 someone could look potentially very slim/lean st that height.
From what you've said I think your mental health needs to be your main focus. Maybe worth trying different meds? Could you ask to be referred for CBT? It can be very helpful for many people.
You must learn how to be kinder to yourself first and foremost.

I'm shorter than you and heavier than you, and I'm not classified as morbidly obese. And a size 16 is a size 16. Why are you telling yourself that you're fatter than you actually are?
Here's a secret: Other people aren't that interested in you and what you look like. They're interested in themselves.

Op I’m 5’9” and a 14-16 (depending on the shop) and I’m not obese. I’m a couple of stone overweight at 14 stone and my gp doesn’t even seem concerned. I’m trying to lose some weight and be healthier, and when I look in the mirror undressed I think I look a bit flabby and wobbly, but I am not hugely fat - and even if I was, it wouldn’t be a disaster, or despicable. Your op reads as if you’ve lost sight of what your body is really like and are in a rut of feeling like any fat is hateful and awful. It’s not - your dh likes your body for one. You’ve had depression and anxiety so feeling terrible about your body could be related to that?

I’m sure talking this over with a (nice, empathetic) gp could really help. Also posting here, and look for helpful videos/sites online as people have suggested, to help you feel more positive. Feeling more positive to start with helps if you want to lose weight or exercise more, because as you say when you feel negative, any setback really gets you down.

for you, you can feel better about this in time.

I am so sorry you are in such a bad place. Please believe me when I say that what you look at is not what others see! People are far too interested in themselves and what they are going through / thinking about to give too much head space to what other look like beyond a fleeting thought.
Friends will know you for your personality! Not your weight.
Ok- now you can change this. You can feel good when you look in the mirror. You need to tell yourself in the mirror every day (out loud) that you are a good, kind person. You need to tell your self you are strong and you can do this. Make a resolve to change this. Research on the internet how to eat clean (primal eating or paleo is a fab place to start)
Try it for a month. Convince yourself you are strong- no cheating. Tell others you are starting a new way of eating - that way you have to stick to it as others will be asking you and looking for results!
One month of clean eating and you will notice it.
Remember this as it always helps me to start:
2 weeks and you will feel it
4 weeks and you will see it
8 weeks and you will hear it

Good luck op you can make a change!

Not all anti-depressants are equal when it comes to weight gain. If you ever have to be on them again you could try a different one.

Have you spoken to your GP specifically about losing weight? He could put you on Orlistat, which helps some people. You can buy it in Boots as Alli, but at a lower dose.

15/16 stone isn't ridiculously massive. If you've managed to lose weight over lockdown you're some sort of genius.

You can do it

Can you speak to GP and see what support is available. You need to be kinder to yourself. I’m 45 and went from a size 18/20 to a 10/12 in 8 months on SlimmingWorld. I’m 5 ft 8 and was obese at 15 and half stone. I’ve very much focused on eating healthy food and lots of walking which is good for mood and exercise.

A size 16 is exactly that. And at 5'9 morbidly obese doesn't sound likely - you may well be a little overweight but you don't sound you are being totally realistic.

You need to improve your mental health - you might find you can drop the weight more easily if you are in a better place mentally. Walking has a lot of positive effects, and there will be an eating plan out there that works for you. I addressed my weight in recent times - I am 5'6 and was getting towards 12 stone and also a size 16. 6 months of 16:8 and a little more exercise and I'm now 2 and a half stone lighter and much happier. But op, I couldn't have done it if I was in as negative a place about myself as you are. You must look after your MH.

It can all feel very overwhelming when you think about it but you have probably been this way for a while now so your mind is now condition tell you that there isn’t anything you can do about it.
I have been where you are now (been there a few times actually) but you can change. You just need a plan. Check out Dr Micheal Mosley from BBC it’s something that worked for me but everyone is different and are motivated y different things try find out what works for you.

I'm on that too! Does it really make you gain weight? I've always been slim but I literally cannot stop eating 24/7 and I've put on a few pounds.

Please try hypnotherapy. It can and does work, but you need to accept that it can. After years of infertility and failed IVF I tried it and now have my wonderful 17 year old son and daughter 13. I am convinced I would never have got pregnant without it. I cannot describe to you how incredible and amazing it makes you feel. It is the most relaxed you will ever be in your life.

I wish you well

Sorry, by your title, I thought you'd lost your eye sight...

this is fatphobia and diet culture bullshit.
and no matter how much you lose, someone that feels like yio do about yourself it will no go away without help with your mind.you are not ok mentally to feel like this.
what is so repulsive about a curvier body?that is such horrid thinking.about anyone!

I'm a size 16 - previously 18 - and I'm 2 inches shorter than you and have never considered myself morbidly obese, just overweight. You are thinking too much about this, most people don't judge others by their weight, but rather by their personality. Of course there are those who do look down on people larger than themselves, but honestly their opinion is worth nothing so if you encounter those people hold your head high and ignore them.

You say your DH thinks you are nice, so please believe him and don't shut him out.

I walk every day and find that keeps my weight in check (I eat too much of the wrong foods, trying to address that) so maybe try that. What you need is a dose of self confidence, so get out there, surround yourself with pleasant people, and please stop thinking that everyone is looking at you and judging you. Good luck

You need MH support first. Size 16 is overweight, but it's not that bad. But your whole view of it is not normal, so you need help with that first.
Please speak to your GP about getting help.

This is nothing to do with your weight, and everything to do with how you are seeing yourself.

I'm a size 24, and yet I don't think I'm the scum of the earth, or that everyone hates me . Nobody thinks that about you either - in fact they don't think about you at all. They think about themselves .

Address your perceptions - address your health issues - but don't assume that anyone else thinks about you, in the way that you think about yourself.

Isn't size 16 the average dress size in the UK?

Why not just focus on your health rather than your weight. Cut down on sugar, alcohol and processed food. Try to eat more vegetables and drink more water. Go for a walk every day. It will help your mental health as well as your physical health.

I’m 5”8 and size 16-18, and weigh about 13 stone, so being a 16 and your height is not morbidly obese, and you are probably lighter than you think. Also, changed my mindset recently, and went out yesterday wearing a dress from topshop, denim jacket, nice shoes etc. It made me feel good to dress up a little, even though I was only going for a walk along the beach.

I know I need to loose a stone, and am trying to eat healthier, but decided not to wait until I’ve lost that weight to buy nice clothes, but try and look good during the weight loss journey, not just the end.

One lockdown ends get yourself signed up for women's rugby club. They would love a 5’9 “monster”. It requires all shapes and sizes on a rugby pitch - tall second rows, lumps for front row, short, lithe really everyone has a place. Its much easier looking at those bodies than honed gym bodies.
You’ll get super fit and make friends.

Size 16 even in today's sizing at 5'9" is not morbidly obese, and if you have not weighed yourself I would guess that you are overestimating your weight, and even if you were correct would be quite a way from morbidly obese.

You don't have to like your body. You don't have to dislike your body.

Your body is what your brain is attached to. It helps you get from A to B. It allows you to communicate with these lovely Mumsnetters. It allows you to see the sunshine everyday. And I'm sure you can add plenty of other things to this list.

It does not define the essence of you.

... Thus, thank it for what it does for you.

Start walking and calorie counting. MyFitnessPal is great. I’m a size 16 and only 5ft4 after not losing baby weight and lockdown! I’m in the upper end of the obese category at my weight so you are definitely not morbidly obese. I decided 3 weeks ago to shift the weight and I’ve lost 5lbs so far, it’s not a huge amount but I’m happy if it’s gradually coming off.

I’ve done all sorts of diets before, the best results I had were from Dukan which I did for about 4 weeks. I don’t believe fad diets are sustainable but that gave me quick results that gave me confidence to carry on if you need an initial boost.

OP- you are the one describing yourself as a "monster". You need to recognise that the person here that isnt accepting of weight is YOU.
You need to examine your own beliefs about weight and your own self worth. How can people see you as valuable when you despise yourself so much?
I really think you need to seek some counselling or CBT to start work on changing your beliefs. You say the public view those overweight as "the scum of the earth" but thats exactly what you are doing to yourself.
Get help- your life doesnt have to be this way.

I understand exactly how you feel. The avoiding mirrors and photos is heartbreaking. Nursery asked for a family photo for their family tree a few weeks ago and I haven’t dared take one.

I have an underbite and am ugly, as in Shrek-like ugly. Nothing to do with weight. Can’t have surgery for it for a long while - until I’m done with IVF and trying to move flat to house and can afford a chunk of unpaid time off work - so I’m stuck like this. You might not be, so please, please get some help for your mental state. It might help kickstart you into weight loss. And I bet you have a lovely face 😍

I don't have any sound advice, just want to say I was you about a year ago. I've not lost any weight, gained a little actually, and now when I look in the mirror I'm not disgusted and I don't hate myself anymore. I'm very neutral, I have a human body that's it.

I got like this through following body positive/neutral instagram accounts, listening to the unfuck your brain podcasts and just generally trying to surround myself with body positive mantras.

It worked, surprisingly!

Firstly, it’s unlikely you’re morbidly obese my lovely 💐💐