For considering staying away tomorrow night

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

I am very seriously considering staying at a local B&B tomorrow night with my son 18mo and dog.
I suspect my partner will go to the pub and expect me to pick him up as this is what happened last week. He hasn't yet mentioned it and moaned a hell of a lot last week when I wouldn't pick him up as it's £17 in a taxi. For reference he hadn't asked for a lift and I was on my way back from my mums with very tired boy and feeling like utter crap with morning sickness as it's worst in the eve.

Though I'm not keen on him going to the pub and it's not too bad normally doing the drive to get him. He is awful, rude, nasty and horrid to me from as soon as I collect him until he passes out after a couple of hours.

He is out at a friends garden tonight but will sleep over in the ppl carrier. He won't do this on a Sunday night as he works.

I have really enjoyed lockdown when he has slept over every time he's had a drink as I've not had to put up with his bullying. Now the pubs are open he wants to resume the old routine but also keep the Saturday night out too.

Should I just go along with it or should I make it clear that he is to sleep over again and that I will not be here if he thinks about getting a taxi home.

Obviously I would rather he didn't go to the pub but it's not an argument worth having as he will just sit and sulk or be very stroppy

This is insane, @DaffodilsAndDandelions.

Your boy shouldn’t be living like this.

Can you stay with family?

@YoBeaches I think you are right on that one. I wouldn't rather tell tales. Just getting a bit desperate. I don't really want to be with him, just a bit stuck at the moment.

@penelopepitstop49 I know he can't really afford the pub or taxi. We are business partners so have jointly taken a massive hit by me being unable to work. We have the money but I feel like it's unjustified expenditure of our money.

I would go and pick him up if he'd be nice when he got back or even just go straight to bed but he can't do that. He has to pick fights all evening until I manage to make him think falling asleep is his idea. I need to stop enabling him but how do I do that? The fallout will be hard to deal with

Ok having seen some of your other threads it's obviously a case of when you leave not if. Can you get out before the baby arrives, have you any family or friends you can stay with? Maybe speak to or email Womans Aid for advice?

@DaffodilsAndDandelions

Would it be underhand of me to tip the police off to his whereabouts at 3am? If he gets the drunk driving charge I will have something concrete against him.

Do it, if he’s drunk in a car and will be abusive towards you. I totally would.

Also check what benefits you could possibly claim if you left.
Also tell your midwife what he’s like. Get the abuse on record for when you can/do leave him.

Are you happy to live with a man who gets so drunk that he sleeps it off in a car?
He doesn’t respect you or your child or your unborn child.
He is using you and you are enabling him by picking him up, late at night , with your young child.
Does this sound like a happy relationship?
You deserve so much more than this and you should be thinking about your family’s future.
Just think about all the wasted money that your partner is drinking away. This should be put towards savings for your family. And yes, a couple of bevvies is one thing but what you’ve described is awful.
You shouldn’t be the brunt of his nasty behaviour either.
I feel so sorry for you OP.

@ohcaptain
I can't stay with his family, house to full of stuff to have room for travel cot.
Could stay with my family but that would mean telling my mum about my shocking relationship and she has quite twisted views on what should be done and messed up her own relationships with both her daughters fathers.
Can't stay with sister as she is still nomadic between my mums house and her boyfriends house.
Definitely can't stay with my only close friend as her husband will also be in the pub tomorrow and I don't want her stuck in the middle.
The only other option is my partners EX. And that would open a whole can of worms I would rather keep sealed until i have to tell her it's over between us. I love her son dearly and she has the potential to be a good friend without my partner involved.

😥

😥

It doesn't feel bad enough to call abuse. It's snide comments, blaming all our relationship problems on me, moaning that I never want sex, chuntering under his breath, not listening to my answers, trying to make me do what he wants(watch telly in bed or other similar behaviour). I have got used to agreeing to doing what he wants then waiting until he falls asleep.

This is bad enough to call it abuse. But if you're simply waiting for your students loan to come through to ditch the bloke, then that's great (if I've understood you correctly). But otherwise, you do need to LTB somehow. He isn't worth having around.

Right so gradually this will degrade further and further. So now is the time to start thinking about the future. What will that look like? He clearly needs to be a bit player in everyone's lives.

So new house for you. Maintenance from him. Dissolve the company? Whatever. Time to start dismantling.

Don't bother with the drink driving. That won't get you anywhere unless the kids are in the car too.

Call the police when he's kicking off at home. That will be helpful in any family proceedings and especially in getting him out of the house.

My uni start date is 21st September so should get 1st loan payment around then. I need to meet the conditions of my offer but as a mature student not sitting exams that is basically sign the data protection thing and email my certificates which I've done. On e I have a confirmed place I can talk to uni. I need somewhere to live with two children and a dog that won't cost the earth. I also need to talk to somebody about UC as I think I can claim as a student parent. Not fussed about maintenance as it would legally be a pittance anyway from a just about managing self employed gardener. Will be better for me to let him pick an amount and agree for a quiet life without him in it. He has never missed a payment for his eldest as he doesn't want to look bad or give his ex any reason to moan about maintenance to anyone.

What I'm still struggling with is the plan for tomorrow night. How do I get him to either not go to the pub or get myself DS and DDog our the way?

A B&B won’t solve anything, unless you are prepared to do that every week for life. You need to sort this properly, not hide away.
Sorry you are having to deal with such a complete shit but the problem has been going on for years, you have to do something before your son is old enough to notice. Or bear the brunt of his unpleasant attitude.

Sorry x posted. Still not sure what a B&B will achieve though?
You can’t do that every week till September surely? And it will cause things to come to a head after this weekend anyway......
If you feel unsafe, Women’s Aid (or similar) should be able to advise you

OP, it sounds like abuse to me. You're pregnant and not feeling well and he's expecting YOU to run around after HIM? Tell him to stick it.

@DaffodilsAndDandelions

Actually the baby was a complete surprise. I was on the pill but also taking naproxen, amytriptaline, lanzoprazole and pregabalin for sciatica bsometjing obviously went very wrong with my contraception. I'm not in the best of health for being pregnant and my partner can be an arse. I'm not comfortable with a termination so please do t even suggest it.

Now we've cleared that up
ODFOD means oh do fuck off dear
Yes we do live together hence the need for somewhere else to stay if he wants to come home pissed. Otherwise I'd just lock the door and leave him outside.
I will start feeling nauseated and on edge as soon as he goes to the pub then pregnancy ick sets in about teatime making me feel even worse.

It doesn't feel bad enough to call abuse. It's snide comments, blaming all our relationship problems on me, moaning that I never want sex, chuntering under his breath, not listening to my answers, trying to make me do what he wants(watch telly in bed or other similar behaviour). I have got used to agreeing to doing what he wants then waiting until he falls asleep.

We are joint tennants. I start uni in September and until I get student loan payments I have no hope of surviving on my own. I am self employed but currently unable to work due to sciatica. This is one of the reasons for the career change.

Love that is abuse.

It's emotional abuse.

Phone women's aid for a chat at least. You probably have more options than you know. Are you claiming everything you can?

Go to the B&B for now. It gives you some breathing space for now to get a plan together.

Thanks everyone, I'm looking on the women's aid website now. I am worried about taking resources away from someone who really needs help. I have always struggled to put my needs first which is probably part of why I'm in this pickle. Shouldn't be a pushover.
I will try and do the live chat with women's aid tomorrow between 10 and 12. He is supposed to be working in the morning 🤞 I haven't booked anywhere to stay yet. Will wait until he goes to the pub. Do I tell him that's the plan if he's going to drink or do I just text him and say I've gone elsewhere for the night so can't pick him up?

OP, what do you want from this thread? Obviously, there’s something in this “relationship” for you or you wouldn’t stay.

You were planning on leaving him in February because he was a dick then, but you continued having sex with him, so don’t get snotty with people asking why you’re having a second child. You’ve chosen to do that. You’ve chosen to stay, so ask yourself why.

Maybe also ask yourself what’s happened in your life for you to think being treated like this is normal or acceptable.

There is no need to be rude or to put me down even more. You have obviously never been in a similar situation or you would know it's not as easy as just picking the kids up and locking the door behind you.

Since February I have applied to uni and got in so that I can escape our business and stop relying on him to bring money in.
There has been a global pandemic pretty much shutting down the local rental market but without income I couldn't go anyway.
I've also become unable to work through sciatica meaning a can't walk more than a few metres without something to lean on.
I have been saving a few quid here and there and making sure I start planning and building up the courage to actually go. I'm not as brave as the poster the other day who did manage to leave her alcoholic husband. I wish I was that brave and together.
I have done what I've had to to keep the illusion of some relationship going to make lockdown bareable and stop him getting suspicious. Yes we had sex. Less than 5 times. How on earth that little sexual activity whilst on the pill in a relationship with someone who drinks like a fish has resulted in a sticky bean I will never know.

As for what do I want from this thread

A handhold, a hug and someone to tell me it's not all in my head

{hug} Hang in there Op. It sounds like you are figuring out what you need to do. Sometimes it takes time, so ignore the bullies on the thread and just focus on the advice. Keep thinking about what you and your DC and DDog need, and keep moving forward. Best of luck

Just hopping on to tell you that you definitely can claim universal credit as a student parent, if you get the max loan amount UC will only take into account £6236 of it, then they split that by 8 (8 in term months) and minus your allowance of £110 per month, so you will get your entitlement minus £669.50 every month Oct - May as it's in arrears. June, July, Aug, Sept you will get your full entitlement (you would be required to look for a job if your children were over 3 but sounds like you'll have a baby so won't have to). If you need any more advice feel free to PM me. Hope you're okay xx

I think yabu because the ONLY question you should be asking is how can I get out of this relationship.
Is this what you want for your kids?