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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable about his job?

47 replies

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:15

DH works in a large shop as floor staff but for the past few weeks he has been reassigned to working in the warehouse on the cardboard bailer.

He resents this as he likes to be on the shop floor working among and chatting to his colleagues as opposed to being "stuck in the warehouse by myself" - his words.

Every day he comes home he's complaining about it, whenever he's getting ready for work he's complaining about it. I'm worried that his obvious resentment will manifest in him having a bad attitude at work and facing disciplinary/losing the job. He has already said he and the manager do not get along and he has lost two jobs in the past ten years.

It is highly likely he is on the autism spectrum and I'm as sure as I can possibly be in the absence of a formal diagnosis, so this complicates things somewhat.

That being said, he's not at work to socialise or choose what tasks he has but to do a job and earn money to contribute to the mortgage.

AIBU to think he's being childish and needs to just suck it up?

I try to be sensitive to the ASD factors but I find I'm consistently concerned about him losing his job which would have a knock on effect.

We're not professionals, neither of us earn a great deal of money so the two incomes are absolutely imperative.

OP posts:

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 11/07/2020 09:18

Has he been told how long for? I wouldn’t mind if I knew it was temporary but I’d be a bit upset if my job role had fully changed.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 11/07/2020 09:19

Everyone is allowed to have a little moan about work when they come home IMO... so long as he doesn't just quit his job or something I'd just let him blether on.

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:21

He hasn't been told how long he'll be working in the warehouse no, that role was filled by somebody else but the they've been signed off after what sounds like a nasty injury (non work related)

I suggested he have an informal chat with his manager to ascertain how long he's going to be filling the role but he won't do that because 1) he can't stand the manager and avoids approaching him unless absolutely necessary and 2) he's avoidant and doesn't face things head on, choosing to be passive aggressive instead.

OP posts:

Obviouspretzel · 11/07/2020 09:22

Wow, you're being very insensitive I think. Does he not deserve not to be miserable for 40 hours of his week ?

He'll have to either do it or look for another job if they won't move him back on to the shop floor, but you seem to have such little empathy for him.

Ellisandra · 11/07/2020 09:23

When I’m cross about a work issue, I have a roof old rant at home - and that allows me to let off steam so that I can stay professional at work. So his complaining to you wouldn’t worry me that he’d lose the job.

Your additional info that he’s lost jobs twice in ten years for his attitude would worry me though.

I don’t think he’s unreasonable to be upset that he’s stuck doing a job he doesn’t like. That’s quite a change, and he spends a LOT of time at work.

However, your worries aren’t unreasonable either. I hope it’s a temporary change for him.

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:23

I probably am coming across as insensitive yes, I'll take that.

The reason being when he lost his last job, due to reasons that were entirely his doing, it put alot of stress and pressure on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:25

Fwiw I haven't said any of this to him, on the face of it I'm being very supportive and listening/offering suggestions.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/07/2020 09:27

he likes to be on the shop floor working among and chatting to his colleagues

Maybe he is too chatty to his colleagues? Maybe that's why they've put him in the back?

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:28

I did wonder whether that was the case but he said it's categorically not so idk

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 11/07/2020 09:30

Is it possible he’s been moved to the warehouse because he does too much chatting & socialising, and that’s also why his relationship with his manager is poor? ASD might make it more difficult for him to realise what lines are being blurred?

He does need to find out if it’s temporary or permanent though, and you’re not horrible to be worrying about it if he’s been out of work in the past.

hampstead1234 · 11/07/2020 09:31

I wonder if he could approach the manager with a question that will get a straight answer and at least bring some certainty- such as 'do you think I'll be doing this until September?' for example.

zingally · 11/07/2020 09:31

He's allowed to not like his job, and he's allowed to moan about it.

However, his moaning should have a limit if he's not actively looking for a new job, or seeking to find out whether this move to the warehouse is going to be a long-term thing.

As an aside, could this move to the less populated warehouse have been a subtle message from his manager that he was spending too much time chatting to colleagues, and not enough time working? I know people on the ASD spectrum aren't always great at picking up these subtle non-verbal cues. Might be worth him thinking about.

gotothecooler · 11/07/2020 09:34

It's a big leap from him moaning about a side move to losing his job though. Why do you think that will happen? He is allowed to come home and let off steam. It's most people's safe space where they can relax and be themselves. It's also very common for autistic people to hold their shot together at school/work/dreaded social event then come home and fall apart/meltdown/have a good old moan.

PinkiOcelot · 11/07/2020 09:34

I think because you spend the majority of your waking hours at work and if it’s something you’re not happy in, then that does leak over into other parts of your life. However, coming home and ranting on to you isn’t going to solve anything.
He’s got 3 choices really- suck it up and get on with it, actually pluck up the courage and speak with his manager about how long this is going to be or look for another job.
I can see his side but can also see yours.

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:37

I've wondered the exact same thing, whether the move has been promoted because he's talking too much and being distracted/distracting from the work.

He denies that is the case and said it's because the role needs filling due to the warehouse person being off, which makes sense but I do still wonder whether the fact he was picked for the change is something to do with the above.

He's refusing to have a chat with the manager to ascertain how long he'll be filling the role.

OP posts:

ssd · 11/07/2020 09:40

It sounds to me like he's annoyed his manager and the manager has stuck him somewhere he won't keep annoying him. Any other scenario would have different people doing the cardboard as it's a boring job. The fact he's been let go of other jobs speaks volumes. He sounds like he's in the wrong line of work.

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:41

It's a big leap from him moaning about a side move to losing his job though. Why do you think that will happen?

Because when he's annoyed about something he has a terrible attitude. We worked together years ago and I've seen first hand how he presents when he's upset about work related issues. He goes into a full blown sulk, passive aggressive, abrupt.

My worry is that they won't tolerate that at work and it'll be seen as poor attitude esp since there seems to be tension between him and the manager, from what he has told me.

OP posts:

madcatladyforever · 11/07/2020 09:41

My ex husband was the same, always getting sacked for stupid behaviour. It stressed me out so much my hair started falling out.
It isn't healthy to moan all the time. You have to make the most of any job and be grateful for the money coming in. A bad, moany attitude really drags everyone down.
mine is an ex I'm afraid, I feel better knowing I have a reliable job I work hard at and I'm not constantly waiting for bad news from him.

ssd · 11/07/2020 09:43

He doesn't sound like someone I'd want to manage. It sounds like his manager wants rid of him too.

NoSquirrels · 11/07/2020 09:48

He can moan, but you don’t need to listen.

If he won’t talk to the manager to find out how long he’ll be in the warehouse, there’s nothing you can do.

Original poster

Boogienight · 11/07/2020 09:49

I see I'm painting him in a very negative light here but he is a very efficient worker.

He has said he thinks the reason he has been put onto that job is because he gets it done efficiently and always finishes in time whereas the couple of others who do that role when he's not there don't always finish the job and have it wrapped up by the time he starts.

OP posts:

ssd · 11/07/2020 10:06

So why did he get sacked twice then?

Immigrantsong · 11/07/2020 10:13

OP do you work? Try to be supportive. It sounds hard for him

stealm · 11/07/2020 10:15

I would probably let him moan a bit at home to let off steam but try to have a limit on it - eg. moaning when he gets home from work but no moaning during and after the evening meal. Otherwise it will just get too much and I think constant moaning just makes the person feel even more shit about it.
If he doesn't want to talk to his manager about how long he will be in this role then he has to just get on with it and possibly look for another job if he is really unhappy.
If there was a problem with him being too chatty with colleagues then the manager should have made him aware of this so he could improve rather than just move him to the warehouse.

NettleTea · 11/07/2020 10:20

my partner works with someone who has ASD and who talks ALL the time. Non stop. He talks to people whether they want to talk to him or not, and when they go back to their desk he continues to talk AT them even if they are not responsing.
He doesnt see the problem but people trying to work are finding it exceedingly hard to do so, and he doesnt pick up the hints that they are bored or want the conversation to stop.

My partner also has ASD , as do I and both my kids, so Im not unaware. But sometimes we dont see the problem and think all is good.

have bosses pulled him up on his chatting, why doesnt he like his boss. Im my experience ASD people can often hold a grudge if told off. And go on and on obsessively if they think they have been wronged. So I can understand the frustration of him constantly moaning yet unwilling to do anything (my daughter to a tee)

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