Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DC's dad's text?

33 replies

Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:44

so dc's dad and I have been apart 14 years now. Three dc one back from uni two in secondary. He wasn't the best at keeping a relationship going with them at times but I worked hard at this, for the last couple of years the kids have been wrapped up with their own lives so have not wanted to see him so much.

Lockdown happens and they don't see him at all for the time full lockdown was happening, we discussed that he was able to as their dad under the rules but his gf wanted to make sure they were fully sheilding. Fair enough.

He saw them for the first time in months a couple of weeks ago and they had a brilliant time with him, so when he asked about seeing them last night they jumped at it.

Anyway after they got home I got a text from him that has obviously come from his gf. She is a hairdresser and has asked that next time he sees them they have to properly socially distance and don't go anywhere in his car, he wants to know if my DP properly socially distances at work and if the yr10 DS does when he is in school for his 2 hour sessions.

His gf is worried about losing her income if she catches covid.

Now I totally get this. DP is self employed so we had those weeks of no money coming in while I worked extra hours. So I understand completely how she feels.

However these are his children! We have been really careful with social distancing and following the rules so are no more at risk than anyone else.

It breaks my heart that for the first time in years my dc have really looked forward to seeing him and had a great time. I get the impression that the gf is not happy with them (she has never met them), if exDP gives me any additional money for stuff for the kids he says things like "if you're asked you are paying me back" which makes me think that she doesn't like him giving me money for his kids. There are some strange excuses at times for not seeing them that all involve a health emergency of the gf.

I mean what happens if she gets a call from test and trace after she has cut someone's hair? She won't be able to work for 2 weeks and as a hairdresser she might get that call more then once! As a household we will now see far fewer people than she will be doing daily. So she is more risk to us!

However aibu? Is she entitled to ask this? I don't care that ex is with someone... about time!.... but I don't want her dictating his relationship with his children. She hasn't even met them! But she is concerned about her income so before I go back to exDP I want to be sure I am being fair. Even if it's not going both ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:45

oh that's so long sorry I didn't want to drip feed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:46

oh she moved in with him for lockdown they weren't living together before that.

OP posts:
UncleShady · 11/07/2020 07:48

Did she send the message from his phone, as him?

Original poster
Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:49

UncleShady no I think he wrote it but on her instructions...he has just text again asking for an answer

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 11/07/2020 07:51

I would reply. We are abiding by the government guidelines. As required.

But I like short and too the point text 😀

Original poster
Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:52

unicornsarereal72 Grin you can probably tell by my op that that short and to the point isn't my strong point!

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 11/07/2020 07:53

Just day yes everyone has. Ticks the box and what can she then say!

Apolloanddaphne · 11/07/2020 07:53

I would let him know he has to speak to his DC about the socially distancing and not going in his car. They are old enough to be involved in that discussion. He can also ask his D.C. about what happens in school. With regards to your DP you can tell him that his workplace complies with the regulations and leave it at that.

Original poster
Neverendingsaga · 11/07/2020 07:55

dontdisturbmenow yeah I can do that but what about the DC when he sees them? He has to come some distance to do so so either I will have to drive them where he wants to meet them and pick them up or they will be hanging around near here if they aren't allowed in his car!

OP posts:
Madre1972 · 11/07/2020 08:00

As a parent who spent 14 years doing drop off and pick up I would not do that again. I would reply yes of course We are all complying with guidelines and restrictions and assume the same can be said from your household too. Let me know what plans you will be making to pick up and drop off the dc. And leave it there

Madre1972 · 11/07/2020 08:01

Wish there was an edit option :)

14 years because exh didn’t drive and was far too important to make his own way and I didn’t want dc to miss out on a relationship with him

Chloemol · 11/07/2020 08:10

I agree with Madre 1972, reply yes and how are you going to pick them up in the future

Do not agree to take them

pussycatinboots · 11/07/2020 08:15

don't go anywhere in his car
Ask him how he intends to collect them and bring them back to you? Public Transport?
or just stick to your guns and say "HA HA HA, you are joking, right? You don't want your kids in your car or anywhere near you? Do you actually want any form of relationship with them?" and leave it at that for him to brood over.

pussycatinboots · 11/07/2020 08:18

@Neverendingsaga

oh she moved in with him for lockdown they weren't living together before that.
Ah, well there's the answer...she can just go back home and let him have his kids in his car and his home, without her being involved Grin
Mumto1andthetinybun · 11/07/2020 08:32

Yeah this isn't on and should be a huge red flag for your ex. I've been with my DH 12 years and wouldn't dictate how he can see his children.

I work as a carer and we still see my DSS's.
I'm terrified of taking covid into work as most of my clients are elderly, its nothing about loss of earnings.
We changed the way we see them. They come here for longer spells of time and stay in each household for blocks of time and if anyone even has a sniffle they go and get tested right away.
It takes a lot of trust that every one involved is following the rules but it works.

NellieandRufus · 11/07/2020 08:34

What dis the children say when you asked them would be my response. Why does he need to ask you what procedures his 15 year old follows at school?

As for the car, I would just say that you didn’t realise it would be an issue as they are his children. Ask him what his gf proposes as she obviously realises after time apart during lockdown that his children must take priority.

Sometimeswinning · 11/07/2020 08:39

What @pussycatinboots said. Be on your childrens side on this one not the hairdresser gf or spineless dad!

IWantT0BreakFree · 11/07/2020 08:41

"We are all following the government guidelines. If you feel it necessary or appropriate to socially distance from your own children - which is not a requirement of the guidelines - then that's something for you to discuss with them during your contact."

What an arsehole. His girlfriend sounds a pain, but actually he is their father and it's a disgrace that he would choose to love with his girlfriend during lockdown knowing that it would mean not seeing his own children. What a fucking dead beat.

IWantT0BreakFree · 11/07/2020 08:41

*live with his girlfriend

hampstead1234 · 11/07/2020 08:41

I wonder if the gf does not like children, or has some fear of the exDH leaving to go back to the OP?

midnightstar66 · 11/07/2020 08:48

As you say she's the bigger risk and she sounds jealous and petty. The money situation backs that up too. @unicornsarereal72 reply is perfect! No need to go in to things

Mix56 · 11/07/2020 09:02

I would say, something along the lines of, You are following guidelines, ,that GF is more a risk to them, than they are to her.
He needs to prioritize his children, it's his car, he can disinfect it.
But you will not tie yourself in knots over contact, either he has the balls to tell his gf that he intends to spend time with his children or he doesn't"

gutentag1 · 11/07/2020 09:03

Sounds like she's trying to flex her new status of live-in girlfriend by making demands.

I'd just say that everyone has been following guidelines and that there is a lovely park nearby if he doesn't want to drive anywhere.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/07/2020 09:04

I'd also just reply with yes we are fully complying and leave it at that. Maybe suggest a compromise for the car where they all wear masks and keep the windows open or something

DorotheaHomeAlone · 11/07/2020 09:10

I like @IWantT0BreakFree message. It’s clear and factual and passes the responsibility back to your ex. He clearly is spineless but if he wants to trash his relationship with his kids he can do it himself without using you as intermediary.