AIBU about DC's dad's text?

[Neverendingsaga]

so dc's dad and I have been apart 14 years now. Three dc one back from uni two in secondary. He wasn't the best at keeping a relationship going with them at times but I worked hard at this, for the last couple of years the kids have been wrapped up with their own lives so have not wanted to see him so much.

Lockdown happens and they don't see him at all for the time full lockdown was happening, we discussed that he was able to as their dad under the rules but his gf wanted to make sure they were fully sheilding. Fair enough.

He saw them for the first time in months a couple of weeks ago and they had a brilliant time with him, so when he asked about seeing them last night they jumped at it.

Anyway after they got home I got a text from him that has obviously come from his gf. She is a hairdresser and has asked that next time he sees them they have to properly socially distance and don't go anywhere in his car, he wants to know if my DP properly socially distances at work and if the yr10 DS does when he is in school for his 2 hour sessions.

His gf is worried about losing her income if she catches covid.

Now I totally get this. DP is self employed so we had those weeks of no money coming in while I worked extra hours. So I understand completely how she feels.

However these are his children! We have been really careful with social distancing and following the rules so are no more at risk than anyone else.

It breaks my heart that for the first time in years my dc have really looked forward to seeing him and had a great time. I get the impression that the gf is not happy with them (she has never met them), if exDP gives me any additional money for stuff for the kids he says things like "if you're asked you are paying me back" which makes me think that she doesn't like him giving me money for his kids. There are some strange excuses at times for not seeing them that all involve a health emergency of the gf.

I mean what happens if she gets a call from test and trace after she has cut someone's hair? She won't be able to work for 2 weeks and as a hairdresser she might get that call more then once! As a household we will now see far fewer people than she will be doing daily. So she is more risk to us!

However aibu? Is she entitled to ask this? I don't care that ex is with someone... about time!.... but I don't want her dictating his relationship with his children. She hasn't even met them! But she is concerned about her income so before I go back to exDP I want to be sure I am being fair. Even if it's not going both ways.

I would tell him that you are following guidelines, and he will have to put controls in place to do the same. If they can't go in his car, then he needs to take them out locally to your house where they can all walk...

But remind him that parents seeing children and having physical contact is within the guidelines - it's his call if he wants further controls to protect his gf.

It's not your job to facilitate his parenting.

If it's too complicated for him, then he can always ask gf to move back to hers so she can shield and maintain his child's relationship.

Clearly she has got used to having him 121, and typically sees the ex and kids as a threat to their relationship.

He ugly have to choose, and he might choose her (sounds like he did already during lockdown)

He sounds like a bit of wimp I'm afraid.

I would have thought if she's a hairdresser and back at work, she's at far more risk from catching covid from that than from your kids.

I would do as a pp said and just say yes, we are all sticking to social distancing guidelines and leave it there. Don't engage any further.

Apart from a hug, I imagine it's reasonably easy for him to spend time with the kids a metre or so apart and to be honest, if it really has come from her but she doesn't spend time with them anyway, you'll probably find their dad ignores that anyway once they're together.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I did wonder if she was being unreasonable with this given the situation but wanted to check - I have spent so much time and effort ensuring their dad has had a relationship with them that I didn't want to screw it up by being unreasonable if I was wrong.

I do think she is jealous of the kids, she has never met them but seems to have an issue come up everytime he sees them.

I have sent a short yes we are all complying reply by text but will compose something at somepoint today that says, these are your kids. I can't keep fighting his corner with them if he doesn't help himself! He is allowed to see them.

I think you should give it to him straight, actually.
You’ve already said you’re the one that’s kept the relationship going before. What an arsehole he is, then!
You’ve done a great job for the kids - but they’re older now. Old enough to know what he’s like.
One is an adult now! They can have their own conversation about what distancing measures they have.
I’d be telling him outright that the car situation was bloody ridiculous.

You’ve done really well to keep the kid’s relationship with their father going. At their age, they are old enough to arrange their meetings with Dad. I would just respond that the children have complied with the guidelines and ask him to coordinate with them himself. There comes a time when you can’t protect children from their fathers stupidity and self absorption and this sounds like it. The girlfriend doesn’t sound nice at all.

I wouldnt reply any further by text as the money scenario shows he pays lipservice to keep her happy, but is happy to go against her wishes to do the right thing by his kids so long as he doesn't have to find a backbone.

When he gets to yours you might find he's quite happy to hug them and go off in his car somewhere local. So I wouldn't risk that by arguing with the texts as you know he won't grow a pair and stand up for his kids (or he wouldn't have sent the text in the first place).

Stop trying to make him a father.

He either wants to see them and is allowed under government advice to do so. Or he is a spineless dick who prioritises his gf over his children. Ask him which it is? If it’s the second, don’t do anymore. Your kids are old enough for you to not need to facilitate a relationship with their father - they have phones themselves I assume so can sort their own contact out.

Oh and this isn’t a criticism of you at all. You’re clearly a bloody good parent who has tried to continue a relationship between the children and their father.