Aibu for feeling this way?

[Whateverittakes18]

Ex and I share our beautiful 18 month old dd.

Ex went 4 months with no contact with our dd, no video calls, not asking how she was. The reason for this was because he had been emotionally abusive towards dd and I told him until he sorts himself out all contact needed to be supervised he didn't like this and decided to go nc.

We went to court, ex is now getting supported contact with dd weekly but given the amount of time that has passed dd is understandably distressed after each visit. I've asked that he does video calls during the week with dd so she can get used to his voice seeing his face etc instead if going a week with no contact. He has said no not until she can speak to him and communicate during the calls. During the week he still doesn't check to see how she is doing and has only been since we've gone to court that he has asked about her development etc.

Am I being unreasonable for feeling annoyed at the lack of interest that he seems to have with dd and the fact that I feel because of this lack of interest more emotional abuse could arise in future?

I would do everything possible to keep my child away from a man like this.

Sounds really tough op

Could you possibly ask him to film himself reading a couple of books or something? That way it's not an awkward video chat with someone who can't talk, and she will see him and hear his voice.

I can see both points really. An 18 month old really wouldn't last more than a few seconds before moving onto something else. Plus if you don't get on he wouldn't want to video call with you.

18 month old will have no interest in a video call and I assume all updating on development etc can be done at handover times?

In what way was he emotionally abusive to a baby? That’s what would freak me out, babies can’t understand emotional abuse, and they’re so innocent and vulnerable when that small surely only a psychopath could be abusive towards a child? In which case he shouldn’t be around her at all, but that’s for the courts to decide.

I see his point re. the video call; it would be really awkward at that age.

What do you mean by he was emotionally abusive to her?

I did ask that he just read books but I could ask him to record. And I'm not the one facilitating the calls but he did previously say he wouldn't communicate about dd or with dd through a third party.

And @Aquamarine1029 to be quite honest my gut tells me the same. This is a man who threatened to hit our dd then said it was a joke and refuses to speak to her until she speaks. Since contact started again her speech has taken a hit. But courts say he gets to see her so right now I'd much rather make it less difficult for her.

@heartsonacake @PurpleButterflyAway, emotionally abusive by scaring her, yelling that he'd hit her, calling her an orphan, telling her to do something and getting annoyed that she wasn't doing it when it was physically impossible.. like telling her to get out of her high chair being really agressive in his tone and getting annoyed but she was strapped in and crying. Throwing water in her face when she was crying. But courts have said supported contact right now. To be honest I think he is more annoyed that he is now having to pay maintenance since starting the court process and wants overnights as soon as possible.

He hit an wee baby??

Why isn't he in prison?

Sorry threatened to hit her. But fuck me.

I'd be doing my damndest to ensure he gets zero contact!!!

Do the courts know all that has gone on?

Throwing water in a young babies face is unacceptable.

@Crunchymum, courts know everything that has happened, ex even confirmed some of it happened.. I've even got proof it happened. But the judge has said this isn't about the past it's about moving forwards. I thought I'd give ex a chance to sort out his anger issues for dd sake but he has proved it's all a joke to him from not bothering with her for 4 months. But court has ordered that he can see her and id rather make it easier for her but I'm still fighting for the courts to see his behaviour.

Probably the reason why I'm asking if I am being unreasonable. When that many people just say oh well he threatened to hit her or threw water in her face let's move on it leaves me doubting my own gut feeling - which is he has no interest in dd, he doesn't like financially contributing and if left alone with her I fear something terrible will happen to her.

Bump

@Whateverittakes18 no you absolutely are not unreasonable. Anyone that treats a baby like that should absolutely never be allowed contact with the child again. There is no way in hell anyone that abuses a baby will ever change and it is disgusting that the courts would ever put his wants before a babies need to be safe and protected.

If I were you I’d check for any marks before and after contact, take pictures if needed, document everything. Has a social worker done a risk assessment? If he’s admitted to treating a baby like that they’d possibly step in for safe guarding issues and potentially make recommendations to the court?

@PurpleButterflyAway court has ordered a section 7 report so I guess that is them safe guarding. Cafcass officer already told me that if after a final hearing I notice any changes in dd behaviour etc then to go straight to social services instead of taking it back to court.

And to me honestly the whole court process has been a shambles but the judge really thinks a man who does this to his own child will change. If someone would just listen to even the way he speaks to dd, really is enough to turn you cold.

She will be better off without him.

She definitely would be. Literally threw water in dd face because he scared her she cried so that's what he done before walking off laughing. There's more but after that I never let him be left alone with dd.

Poor baby just doesn't understand and always comes back so upset, breaks my heart.

Emotional abuse is such a shit, minimising term for behaviour that causes such profound lifelong damage. I'm not criticising you, op, but our culture. Family court judges are, on the whole, terrifyingly ignorant of the dynamics of abuse and terms like "emotional abuse" do not help.

He terrorised an infant.

The developmental trauma he has probably already caused and will continue to cause is scary and distressing. He shouldn't be anywhere near your poor child.

I'm sorry the courts have let you both down. I do think you need to acknowledge for your own sake that he is abusing you too and that it is not caused by "anger issues". It's just coercive control.

Because as long as you continue to view him as someone who can be reasoned with, he will continue to hold the power to abuse you both and you will continue to be affected.

He shows a lack of interest because taking you to court and having contact is about controlling you both, wielding power over you. It is, in other words, simply a means to abuse you both. He has no interest in building a relationship, he just wants control.

Don't engage with the controlling behaviour. Don't try and reason with him or try to change yourself to provoke a change in him. Stop hoping for him to wake up one day and no longer be an abuser.

@user135664323455 I couldn't agree with you more with regards to the term emotional abuse and also that he terrorised dd. To me it's almost like he was trying to beat down her spirit and just control.

I am aware he emotionally abused me too but I guess I never viewed his anger management issues a part of that. I either got exp that was putting me down in a jokey way or ex that flew off the handle about something, like I forgot the car seat adaptors for the pram when dd was really young.. I say I forgot but really it wasn't only me.. regardless I was the one who got the end of my ex's tongue. To be I thought this was just anger management but you're probably right it was just another way to get me to do what he wants, to always take responsibility/blame and even now he still tries to do that through dd.

I've already explained to cafcass that his treatment of dd has already had an affect on her and what I find sadder is in his absence dd thrived - her development, how happy she is, her sleep - all of which has taken a hit now. She used to say a good 15 words very clearly, now she'll only say 4 words and all of them no where near as clear as before. It's heart breaking, but much of this has fallen on deaf ears.

@user135664323455 that's the other thing, I think I do hope he will see how amazing our little girl is and she really is. Such a funny, strong willed little girl, I've got my work cut out for me. But the rational side of me knows this isn't going to happen, he treated dd this way, he didn't check up on her and it's just a game for him.

I wouldn't let him see her without me being present and with somebody else there. He sounds extremely unpleasant, frankly. I sincerely hope the man is getting some help/counselling because the way he behaved to a baby is not normal.

@jessstan2 this is currently happening, not that it makes a difference. Dd came back dehydrated this weekend after having sweated through her clothes as exp didn't keep an eye on the temperature.

This along with the fact that dd much rather go to a friend of mine (that she barely sees) then stay with her dad who she has seen once a week are alarm bells to me. And when I say much rather go to, I mean as soon as dd sees her dad she cries. Friend went to pick dd up and dd cried when her dad took her off df, dd promptly stopped when handed back.

Is the contact between DD and her father supervised OP? If not it should be

@PennyinmyPocket it's supported by his family, only issue is they allow his behaviour to go unchallenged although it isn't anywhere near as bad as when it's just been dd, myself and exp. Having said that dd coming back dehydrated, not wanted to stay with exp and also doesn't do any poops on the day she sees her dad I know she is unhappy