To leave DH with DD

[namechange0086]

DD is 5 months old, she’s our first baby.

The love I feel for her is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but I’m struggling.

Since giving birth and the start of the pandemic, I’ve become an anxious mess.

Most days all I can think about is death.
I worry so much about death and I’m at the point of thinking, what is the point in life?

I feel like I’ve lost all motivation for living, because 1 there’s a pandemic and life will never be as it was, and 2 death is just awaiting us all.

I don’t feel suicidal. I just don’t feel motivation for life.

I look at my beautiful baby and I feel so sad and guilty that she has me as her mum.
She should be my motivation, and she absolutely is, but I feel like every day I’m failing at being a mum and she would be better off if I weren’t in her life.

I’m too anxious to meet up with other mum friends because of Covid, and on top of that I’ve gained weight so I feel really uncomfortable about myself.
I was 12 stone before pregnancy so not exactly slim, but I am now 15stone 8!!!Nothing fits and I have zero motivation to lose weight because food is the one thing that I get comfort from. 😔

We spend our days at home or going for walks with very little interaction with other people.

We do online classes and I interact with my baby but I don’t feel like we’re doing enough.
I worry she’s bored or doesn’t have enough stimulation.

DH is at work and by the time he gets home I’m just a moaning mess because I’ve sat on my thoughts all day about how much I’m desperate to get back to normality but I lack any confidence / motivation to change.

Our friends have invited us round to their house next week.
I don’t want to go, but at the same time I’m screaming at myself to go.
I feel so terrible I just can’t, I won’t enjoy myself because Covid will just be on my mind!

I had dreams of taking my DD on holidays, swimming, Zoo’s trips to the beach with ice cream.
All of those seem impossible now, how can I go and enjoy that when I’ve got to constantly think about how close I am to people and if I’ve touched anything that’s contaminated with Covid!

It absolutely breaks my heart to think this and it’s so hard to write this down, but I’m considering leaving DH & DD because I can no longer put them thorough this misery.

I desperately don’t want DD to EVER EVER end up like me. But what hope does she have.

She's such a beautiful and happy baby and I want her to always stay that way.

DH is the total opposite to me and she will be so much better off with him, he will be a positive influence on her.

I love them both so so much but I can’t condemn them to my sad way of life.

I’ve spoken to my GP about how I feel and she’s recommended some counselling but all I can think is, what’s the point, I’m going to die one day and I’m never going to be good enough for my baby.

I know all of this sounds very pitiful and self wallowing, but I’m sat with uncontrollable tears as I write this. I feel so bad.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[IncrediblySadToo]

But DD is honestly such a beautiful happy baby and it breaks my heart when I look at her and think I could make her so miserable and anxious by being in her life

You will make her FAR more miserable & anxious NOT being in her life. There are countless threads on here by people who had a parent walk out in them, on the whole they spend their lives feeling inadequate & guilty. Trust me, even as you are, you're better for your DD being there. And if you get some help & you can find the 'old you' or a whole new you, it's going to be even better for your DD AND your DH.


You need HELP, not walking shoes. Part of PND & depression is thinking there is no point & no help

Your DH & your DD love you, you're their whole world 🌎.

Self refer to counselling & take it from there. Just talking can help so much!!

Ask your friends if you can spend the time in the garden rather than the house (if they have a garden?!).

People understand.

Now go and guve DD a cuddle & talk to her. You can tell her anything at 5 months - she won't repeat it 🤣😘

[PeppaChic]

Obviously none of us can tell you over the internet, but it couldn’t sound more like you need some medication to get on top of the depression. Something even if it’s just short term, to rebalance your chemical levels and help you regain yourself and your perspective. Please please make another appointment and show the GP your post here.

[MrsNoah2020]

@namechange0086

Have you spoken to your partner or family? Its really important that they know exactly how you are feeling, it might be the case that they are not aware how down you are.

I have spoken to DH but I haven't told family.

I mean this as absolutely no disrespect to anyone suffering like I am, but I feel ashamed to tell people.
I feel like I have so much to be happy and grateful for yet all I can think about is death and how down I am. 😞

Honestly OP you need help this evening. Do you think you might be able to show your posts to your DH or your Mum/BF, if calling the GP yourself feels too hard?

[endlessginandtonic]

OP you have a common treatable illness.
It is nothing to ashamed of, anymore than catching a bad case of the flu is.
When you tell others you will likely find that they have experienced themselves or know others who have.

[Anxietyqueen1987]

I understand what you are saying, but you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I suffered terribly with Pre and Post natal OCD and suffered terrible intrusive thoughts, I was scared stiff of telling my family - it got to the point where I couldn't keep it in any longer and basically had a break down. My mum was so supportive and lovely and I really didnt expect her to be because I thought I was a horrible person. I actually felt relief after letting it all out.

[Luckyonetwo]

I was you a few years ago my fear was also death, followed by what’s the point. it’s awful. please get help with it as soon as you can. I had CBT. I also spent a lot of time watching you tube videos of people that had been through it an come out the other side. It’s really scary making the first move with the doctor but they were great and had me in for CBT quickly. The best of luck with everything. You will get there and you might not even notice the changes happening until one day you wake up and death and all the horrible thoughts aren’t the first thing you think of as soon as you open your eyes. It’s a gradual process and it’s all about little steps.

[mylittlesandwich]

@namechange0086 I have been there. I sat in my car on Christmas Day in the cold. Crying because I "knew" DS would be better off without me. That I was ruining his life. I "knew" DH was the better parent and I was angry that he couldn't see this. I tried desperately to distance myself from them so they could see they didn't need me. I even contemplated suicide so that they wouldn't have a choice other than to be fine without me.
I had panic attacks when DH was going back to work and was physically sick at the thought of being left alone with DS because I was going to mess him up in some way.
I also had horrible irrational thoughts about DS dying. It was the worst experience of my life.
I was honest with my GP and luckily my HV was lovely and also helpful. You have to be honest, CBT can help but you may also require medication. They won't recommend antidepressants to people who don't need them so you need to be honest so they can decide if you need them.
DS isn't on any lists, he isn't considered to be "at risk" or anything like that. Social services have no idea that we even exist. I was just a mum who needed help, the same as you are.
Your daughter needs you just as my son needs me. Although you genuinely feel that you being missing from her life would be a benefit I promise you it wouldn't. Now that the fog has lifted I can see that he needs me. I had my first day back at work today and when I came back to him this evening his whole face lit up. He loves me almost as much as I love him for the simple reason that I am his mum. Your daughter will feel the same it's just that you can't see it because of how you feel.

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

@namechange0086 oh you poor thing - you're not alone in feeling this way. You're getting great advice on this thread, but we also have some more information about postnatal depression, here.

We also wanted to share Mind’s information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything that might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the links above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

[namechange0086]

@MrsNoah2020


Honestly OP you need help this evening. Do you think you might be able to show your posts to your DH or your Mum/BF, if calling the GP yourself feels too hard?

I did speak to the GP. I will call back again.
But counselling has already been offered.
What else should I expect from the GP?

[SallyWD]

You're depressed. It's an illness and can be treated. Please see your doctor.

[LimeLemonOrange]

I promise you that you won't always feel this way.

The difficult part is for you to take the actions that will help you feel better again.

If it feels too hard to tell the GP all the details (and I do understand, I've always struggled to tell people exactly how I feel) could you maybe email the Samaritans? They offer support by email which would be a bit more like talking on here, it's easier to type your thoughts than say them out loud. Sorry if this has already been suggested, I haven't read the full thread.

Having a baby is a massive life transformation and to do that with Covid in the background adds extra pressure and worries. Try and be gentle with yourself if you possibly can, but please pursue help via the GP or Samaritans. CBT and / or medication will get you back on track.

[stepbackfromthecircles]

You need medical support. If you find talking hard then reach out via email. You are good enough for your DH and DD, you are just having a tough time which has gone to the extreme.

[RedOasis]

Speak to gp. You don’t need to continue to feel like this and there’s help for you. But you need to ask. Show them your post if you struggle to vocalise what you’re feeling. X

[pooeylouie]

It is absolutely not the best thing for your DD she loves you more than anything in the world and always will. You're her mama.

Please don't leave her. Get help. It WILL get better.

[AcrossthePond55]

PLEASE don't feel ashamed!!! PND or any other form of depression is an illness, just like any other illness and it CAN be treated.

Damn our world for making people who are struggling feel they need to be 'ashamed'. My son struggles with PTSD with depression and, like you, at first he was ashamed to admit he was struggling. But he did and got the help he (and YOU) need and deserve.

Lovely girl, hold your head up high and seek help. And keep talking and seeking support from anyone who will listen sympathetically. Start with your DH. There is no reason he should be hurt because you confide in him that you are struggling with your thoughts. Quite the opposite, in fact. He'll be proud that you believe in him.

[MrsNoah2020]

Hi OP, the GP needs to know how low you are feeling. From your previous posts, it sounds as if you have not felt able to share that with her yet. That is understandable - it is very hard when the depression is shouting in your head that you should feel ashamed. But the GP cannot help you properly unless she understands how poorly you are.

I cannot tell you what the right treatments for you personally are, because I haven't assessed you. But often PND responds quickly to anti-depressants. And GPs can arrange urgent, even same-day, mental health support if needed. But your GP is not going to be offering the right level of help unless she knows how poorly how are feeling.

[HoofWankingSpangleCunt]

Hello name ,
Coming on here, even anonymously was a really brave and helpful thing. You are clearly eloquent and may find it easier to read , maybe partially, from a "script" when speaking to GP, hv.

Does your health trust have a crisis MH team? They need to assess you. Even on video call, if necessary.
If you dm me your rough area I can look up services

You are doing well, reaching out like this. Read all the other posters stories.

[namechange0086]

Thanks everyone.

Your responses are so reassuring.

I just wish I could stop feeling this way.

I will do the referral for counselling.

I really do hope this is something that can be treated and not just how I have to live the rest of my life. 😞

[mylittlesandwich]

@namechange0086 did you tell your GP how you honestly felt or did you try to dress it up?

[Sparkyduchess]

Oh, you could be me 21 years ago, I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. I echo others, please tell your GP exactly how you’re feeling. The ‘not actively suicidal but don’t want to be alive’ was exactly the way I felt.

It can be treated, you won’t have any kind of black mark (quite the opposite, seeking help shows you want to get better).

Good luck with everything ❤️

[bloodywhitecat]

Lots of us have been where you are, I know I have, that's why we know you won't always feel this way.

[sage46]

You will stop feeling this way, but you need professional help. Being a new Mother is challenging at the best of times let alone with Covid19 added to the mix.

[Equimum]

As everyone else has already said, please do speak to those around you, and get in touch with your GP/HV as soon as you can.

Lots of women experience similar thoughts and feelings, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Talking to friends now (my children are 4 &7), quite a few share stories of having had PND, and many more mention that they think they might have been affected, and in hindsight, wish they’d sought help.

With the right support/treatment, you can soon feel much better and you’ll be able to enjoy all of the things you were looking forwards to.

[Toomboom]

You need to be totally honest with your husband as to how you are feeling. Get back onto your GP and speak honestly to them too.
Please do this for yourself and your beautiful baby girl. You are ill, it sounds as though you have PND , there is no stigma to this, you just need a little help.
Counselling really does help, I know you feel it is pointless, but it really does. Please give it a go.

[FlaskMaster]

This is really classic PND. I don't know if therapy will help without being on anti-depressants first tbh, I haven't had therapy but I've thought and felt the exact, exact same things as you, and antidepressants help give me back my sense of perspective, and helped me recognise that those thoughts were the depression talking and not real. Please ask your GP outright for antidepressants and if they won't help see someone else.