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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I LTB

32 replies

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 10/07/2020 14:32

My husband has gone off me. He doesn't hold my hand, kiss me, sleep in he same bed as me etc. Three DC all 6 and under. The attraction is just gone it seems. It breaks my heart every time I get a brush off and I miss intimacy.

We own our house.

If we separate I imagine we'd have to sell the house and the kids would miss him. I'd miss him helping with getting them all to bed and help with the housework. But every time he puts me down (he comments all the time he doesn't like my hair, my clothes, he thinks I'm overweight, he's not sexually attracted to me anymore etc) it breaks me.

Should we stay together for the kids a bit longer and hope we turn a corner? could he just be knackered as we both work as well as doing everything else in life? Or AIBU to start looking into divorce.

OP posts:
CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 10/07/2020 14:35

Honestly? All the people I know who had parents who stayed together “for the kids” ended up wishing their parents had just split up. It’s not a healthy relationship to model for your children, and you matter to - don’t stay in a relationship that drags you down.

DotDotDotty · 10/07/2020 14:35

Leave, he's not going to wake up one morning and suddenly appreciate you.

AryaStarkWolf · 10/07/2020 14:39

The fact that he puts you down all the time makes it even worse, he can't control whether or not he's attracted to you at the moment put he can decide to not be nasty towards you. Attraction can come back and people can go through ups and downs but it's the meanness with it I couldn't get over

GinDaddyRedux · 10/07/2020 14:39

I disagree @CoffeeWithMyOxygen - my parents stayed together for the kids, and actually worked their problems out. It does happen.

Hitting a rut, a rock or a shoal, doesn't mean the relationship is automatically finished.

OP @PinkSparkleUnicorns you mention that you get the brush off. How do you feel about your husband? Are you still attracted to him? If he wasn't brushing you off, and you were able to be intimate, would things be ok again?

If you are still attracted to him, then do you feel he has stopped being attracted to you? You intimate as much with the criticisms he gives.

Do you find yourself attractive? As in, do you feel you're in the best possible space mentally? Is he the one bringing you down, and so if you left him, you'd actually feel lifted?

Or is it (i suspect it is) more complicated - perhaps you are not where you want to be in terms of weight, image, self esteem, like many who have been hit by the madness of parenthood etc. Do you need more support from him? Can you show him what you need, and how what he's saying to you isn't actually constructive, and so you can work it out together and lift each other up?

Don't give up on something just because he's a poor communicator. Find out if he can change it first. If he can't, then his criticism will be the thing that sounds his own downfall and he can't complain if you leave him.

Summercamping · 10/07/2020 14:43

He sounds cruel, so I would leave him for that reason.

Alonelonelyloner · 10/07/2020 14:44

If he had checked out and was still fulfilling his fatherly duties that would be one thing (attraction waxes and wanes), but he is actively mean. There is no need to criticise the looks of the mother of your child, your wife. He is being absolutely foul. This is not something your children should hear or be aware of. You need to call it a day for their benefit as well as yours. I am sorry.

I say all this as someone who stayed with a man who did this for years, for the kids and thinking it would get better. It didn't. I just wasted time and now I have older children/adult children who have a warped sense of what is acceptable in a relationship.

Original poster
PinkSparkleUnicorns · 10/07/2020 14:46

@GinDaddyRedux to be honest he's not exactly Brad Pitt, I'm always told I'm 'out of his league' in looks and intelligence etc. I want to be attracted to him but it's hard when he won't even let me hold his hand or sit too near him.

I have put on weight, but so has he. But he doesn't even have the excuse of having had three children in his body. He commented on something he didn't like about me and I changed it how he suggested and he then still didn't like it. I think I look ok, but even when I make an effort he doesn't seem interested.

I think I'd manage ok if he'd buy me a nice birthday present on my birthday, hold my hand sometimes, anything really

OP posts:
Ispywithmycynicaleye · 10/07/2020 14:47

What a spiteful miserable bastard! You should pack his bags and tell him you don't love him anymore and his d**k is tiny.

blackandwhite2020 · 10/07/2020 14:48

The kids might miss him, but they won't miss seeing you upset?

For all the reasons you said you'd miss him, you can get other support for that, you want a relationship, not a spare pair of hands to lead a happy and successsful life x

parietal · 10/07/2020 14:51

would he try counselling? If he is willing to try, this is an issue that counselling might be able to resolve.

LadyPrigsbottom · 10/07/2020 14:54

I would also ask him to go to counselling, but if he refuses or it doesn't work out, then I would not stay for the kids, with a man who is putting me down about my appearance all the time. That isn't a good thing for children to grow up with. I would rather my dcs grew up with divorced parents, than parents in a toxic relationship Flowers.

Original poster
PinkSparkleUnicorns · 10/07/2020 14:58

I have told him before that I think he is depressed and needs to see a therapist. He hasn't. I think this is the 3rd time I've threatened to leave because I can't take anymore but I just paid £120 for an appointment with a divorce lawyer so I definitely am at the end of my tether.

It's ok not to be ok and all that, but not if you do nothing about it and talk to your wife like crap. He's said somethings that are so hurtful I don't think I will ever forget them or get over them for the rest of my life.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 10/07/2020 15:01

He sounds like a prick!
He should be supporting you emotionally and trying to boost your esteem, not tear you down.
My advice would be to ask him to leave--it is far easier on the children when they are young.
Try to keep the house for the children.

BurtsBeesKnees · 10/07/2020 15:01

Don't stay for the kids, it's such a bad example to them about what relationships are like. They will think it's normal to act and behave and talk to people like that. My parents stayed together for me and my brother, but they too disliked each other, as a child it was awful. Family time, weekends, holiday and even day to day was miserable. They eventually split up but I wish they'd done it sooner.

You might not have to see the house. Speak to a solicitor and find out your legal standpoint.

VettiyaIruken · 10/07/2020 15:05

When you "stay for the children" what you are teaching them is this is what a normal relationship is.
Do you want them to be in relationships like yours?

Obviously you deserve to be happy, that goes without saying. But when you are telling yourself to stay "for the kids" it's important to really examine what that means.

Techway · 10/07/2020 15:07

He's said somethings that are so hurtful I don't think I will ever forget them or get over them for the rest of my life

Not ok at all and no one deserves this. Your opening post suggested it was just attraction but he is being emotionally abusive. He isn't depressed and doesn't need counselling unless he accepts he is in the wrong and wants to make amends and change.

ExH was abusive and counselling made it worse. A recent post highlighted that it created a greater sense of entitlement and I suspect that is very true.

You work so that is positive, finances are tough to separate and both parties will be poorer but you can rebuild as have at least 12 years until children leave home.

His abusive behaviour is his issue and in my experience is often deeply ingrained so impossible to change

1forAll74 · 10/07/2020 15:12

It is easy to say leave,but not that easy to do sometimes, but you seem to have put things in motion to move on now. If you can see no way,that your Husband will ever change,and become caring at all,then you will eventually be happier apart, as it's demeaning to live as you do now.

BadBear · 10/07/2020 15:15

could he just be knackered as we both work as well as doing everything else in life?

I think you could say most of us are in the same situation. And I bet you do most of the childcare as well?

Me and my DP get annoyed with each other sometimes and a bit snippy because of stress but there's a difference between being a bit off/not in the mood and saying really hurtful things.

You're not his therapist and even though couples are supposed to help each other out and work their way through patches, it sounds like you're the only one trying. Yes you can work things out but that requires respect and mutual effort.

gavisconismyfriend · 10/07/2020 15:27

Is it that he wants out and just hasn’t got the guts to say so/doesn’t want to be seen as the one responsible for breaking up the marriage/family, so is trying to push you into being the one who makes the decisive move? Or is he enjoying the power of manipulating you into doing the pick me dance? Whatever the reason, he’s being cruel and unpleasant and you deserve better.

Goosefoot · 10/07/2020 15:33

If it was just the lack of attraction, I think that would be different it might be something you could still work with or overcome.

But this sounds different. At best he's mean but it sounds like he is trying to undermine your confidence. A one-off comment in the heat of a fight might be one thing, but constantly, it sounds to me like someone who is deliberately a unkind and unloving.

Want2beme · 10/07/2020 17:24

Sounds awful to be subjected to that from your husband. I get the impression that he actually doesn't like you and isn't worried about showing it. Hope all goes well with the divorce lawyer.

backseatcookers · 10/07/2020 17:29

Hitting a rut, a rock or a shoal, doesn't mean the relationship is automatically finished.

But @gindaddyredux do you think OP should be making the effort to work it out with someone who bullies her? She says:

But every time he puts me down (he comments all the time he doesn't like my hair, my clothes, he thinks I'm overweight, he's not sexually attracted to me anymore etc) it breaks me.

That isn't "poor communication" it's nasty and cruel.

Yeahnahmum · 10/07/2020 17:49

I am just here to say

LEAVE

Stop waisting your self esteem your life and your sanity staying in marriage with a man who clearly doesn't value you

Is that what you want your kids to see. And for them to grow up thinking that that is normal?

No.

Thedogscollar · 10/07/2020 17:57

Hi OP in a nutshell yes LTB. Life is too short to have to suffer this man for any longer than you have to. Nobody deserves this treatment. You can and will do so much better.

RandomMess · 10/07/2020 18:03

LEAVE

TBH sounds like he's had his head turned and when he finds someone to have a fling with he's laid all the groundwork to blame it on you...

His comments are downright nasty.

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