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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbour banging on wall when toddler cries

87 replies

DizzyR · 09/07/2020 23:55

We have a 17 month old who has a fever and cough and has been crying on and off all evening. Just now he woke up very upset and wouldn’t stop crying in a distressed way. The neighbour banged on the wall when he was crying (around 11pm). We were in DS’ room trying to comfort him and give him calpol when the knocking happened.

It’s not the first time they’ve knocked (they did it the last time he was ill and crying most of the night).

I’ve never met this neighbour and wouldn’t be able to point them out on the street. They’ve never spoken to us or left us a note about the crying. They’ve just knocked. We live in a terrace house and the house next to us (where they live) is split into two flats and the knocking neighbour lives in the upstairs flat.

What would you do? I appreciate no one wants to hear a crying baby but there is not much I can do about the crying when DS is sick other than cuddles/calpol/water etc. I was thinking of going round to speak to them but probably not the best idea as we need to self isolate because of symptoms.

OP posts:

dreamingmama · 10/07/2020 02:35

I have a toddler so I understand you.

In the flat below me, their new baby has colic, same time every night the crying starts, and they keep their windows open.
Does it annoy me? Sometimes

But it's a child? He can't help it. If a child is say over 5 screaming all night I'd say reign it in. But a toddler a baby. Nope do nothing, or if you do something, (BANG BACK)

madcatladyforever · 10/07/2020 02:36

My old neighbour did this. He was a miserable sod. In the end I went over and gave him a piece of my mind and never heard any more knocking. Twat.

alexdgr8 · 10/07/2020 02:46

try to move the child esp while he is unwell.
ignore neighbours, maybe they have no experience of children, or are aggressive/ unreasonable/ mentally disordered.
don't approach them, or respond in any way.
it could escalate into a neighbour dispute.
all sorts of poss repercussions.
ring doc/ 111.

theendoftheworldasweknowit · 10/07/2020 02:56

I'm not sure having a go at an already upset neighbour is the best way to resolve this amicably... maybe the best way to encourage the neighbour to start banging even more loudly...

A child perhaps can't help making noise, but that doesn't make it any easier for the neighbour to relax or sleep. Most people are wired to wake up at the sound of a child in distress, because they're not awful people.

I think it's reasonable to show some empathy for the neighbour - mainly because that's the fastest way to calm someone down. Dismiss this as their problem only and that will just make them angrier. Agree that the child is making noise and explain that you are trying to minimise this noise (e.g. by moving the child to another room), and the neighbour will feel you care about their predicament and you are trying to help.

Often the knowledge that someone is trying to help us when we're struggling is just as powerful as someone actually succeeding in helping us. I mean, surely the goal here is to improve neighbourly relations where possible?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2020 03:50

I would ignore them. They are the rude ones and I wouldn’t entertain their rudeness.

Gingerkittykat · 10/07/2020 03:58

Is the room your DS crying in through the wall from the neighbour?

I don't think some people realise how fucking awful it is to hear a child scream, yes I understand it is a child in pain but the parents need to try and minimise the noise.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/07/2020 04:24

I'd ignore. I cant stand some noises and have really bad sleep issues - you dont knowxwhats going on with your neighbour.
However it is a dick thing to do, make a note of it and maybe take action if it happens again.
If you do go down the note route I'd just explain that your child is unwell and that banging isnt going to make him feel any better!
Our baby really disturbed our neigjbour crying all night.
We gave her wine and apologised but she pretended she'd heard nothing, but we could tell she'd moved to a different bedroom!

Fizzywizzywoo · 10/07/2020 04:32

@PumpkinP fucking hell I'd be absolutely furious, what a horrid man.
@DizzyR don't apologise, send them a note and suggest that perhaps knocking on the wall of a child who is trying to sleep might have the opposite effect and in fact prolong the crying??? Or suggest that if they don't want neighbours they fuck off and live somewhere else.
Also tell him to go fuck himself.

RedRumTheHorse · 10/07/2020 04:46

At the moment do nothing.

Don't send notes.

Don't move your child. A young child crying in distress isn't noise disturbance however much other people don't like it.

Only if they start banging between 11pm and 7am go around and talk to them calmly. Most people who get asked what you are suppose to do with a baby/toddler crying in distress when confronted back off as they know if they think there is a problem they should escalate through proper channels.

lookatmememe · 10/07/2020 06:22

I'd have shouted "fuck off, you aren't helping" very loudly ( covering child's ears first ) Hope you little one is recovered now ?

3cats · 10/07/2020 06:27

I also wouldn’t apologize. I probably would bang back though.

We had a neighbor yell shut up at the kids whenever they played outside. I mean it’s 4pm on a Saturday, we are talking in normal speaking voices. One day he yelled it, I yelled back you shut the fuck up. They never said anything again after that.

Laaalaaaa · 10/07/2020 06:52

Phone the police? FFS that has to be one of the most ridiculous responses I’ve seen.

ittakes2 · 10/07/2020 06:53

How incredibley rude. I would just some music soothing for your child - maybe bethoven? And put it on very very loudly.

RuggerHug · 10/07/2020 06:59

Might not be the best idea but I'd bang back with 'fuck off' in Morse code 20 mins later when they might have nodded off.

ticktackted · 10/07/2020 07:01

@Gingerkittykat I think most parents trying to settle their screaming kid fully understand how "fucking awful" it is, and it's worse for them. I live in a 3 bedroom terrace, the only rooms with no wall adjoining the neighbour on one side is a small room used as an office, and the kitchen. Our bedroom is full width & adjoins both houses. I wouldn't move a kid from their comfortable environment to either of those rooms. It would not help. If people want a detached house lifestyle they can start saving, and if they can't afford it, they'd better learn to tolerate other people's non-malicious noise.

OP, I hope your son feels better soon and you can get enough rest. Your neighbour can think themselves lucky it's only muffled noise to them, and get some earplugs. I wouldn't engage with them.

Watermelontea · 10/07/2020 07:03

I’d be shouting through the wall that the toddler doesn’t understand that the knocking means to stop, and you’re obviously there with them, so they may as well save their energy.
What a sad, annoying person they are.

ComDummings · 10/07/2020 07:05

I’d bang right back, they’re wankers and I absolutely would not apologise. I’ve lived next to babies and toddlers, I’ve had babies and toddlers and I have never thought to bang on the wall and luckily neither have my neighbours. Kids cry, they can fuck off.

megletthesecond · 10/07/2020 07:08

Gosh, it's horrible isn't it . Some people are so intolerant. My neighbours have banged on the wall when my 11yr old has a meltdown, which makes her worse.

I wouldn't do anything though as I believe you have to disclose it when you sell. People like that have no common sense. Just make a note of it.

SpillTheTeaa · 10/07/2020 07:13

Wouldn't bother with a note you're rude enough to bang on the walls I'd be doing the same and I certainly wouldn't apologise for my sick DC crying. Why would I? My DS has been up all night crying with a fever that can't be helped. He's a baby.

Dspx · 10/07/2020 07:14

I know you shouldnt have to you can’t not help your child crying but can you move little ones room around put furniture against the wall he’s banging on might make the sound less for both of you as you won’t be able to hear him Knock as much either

Pinkyyy · 10/07/2020 07:20

It really does amaze me the amount of threads about people who live in terraced houses, yet expect complete silence from their neighbours. Surely they realise that being literally feet away from them means that they will inevitably hear some noise at times. Always the same people who blast shitty music in their gardens all day that then go and complain about a baby crying.

00100001 · 10/07/2020 07:21

Wouldn't it be amazing if you could call the police and say you think there's domestic violence, because you heard a banging in the wall. They come screeching round, know in their door and say 'we've had reports of violence' and they have to ashamedly admit the banging was because they decided that it was the best way to deal with a crying child from next door.

00100001 · 10/07/2020 07:23

@Gingerkittykat

Is the room your DS crying in through the wall from the neighbour?

I don't think some people realise how fucking awful it is to hear a child scream, yes I understand it is a child in pain but the parents need to try and minimise the noise.

I think people do know....

But I still wouldn't bang on the wall.

What does it achieve?

user2085375632 · 10/07/2020 07:24

Why don’t you take the baby out of his room, give him calpol, wait 20 mins for it to kick in and then take him back when he’s calmer.

Banging on the wall is really awful and I feel really sorry for you, but it must be annoying for them too.

ticktackted · 10/07/2020 07:25

@Pinkyyy yeah there's another thread with a woman who is sending notes to her poor neighbours about the odd scraping noise, chairs moving and doors opening and closing. All these people need to save up for their detached houses and probably move to a tent in the woods in the mean time.

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