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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my mum now I see her with my niece

73 replies

Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 17:51

Hi,
I want to know if I’m being massively unreasonable here, I’m aware I might be. I unfortunately had recurrent miscarriages with my ex partner, during these miscarriages (5 in total) my mum was not there for me at all. She didn’t approve of the guy I was with etc but putting that aside honestly she couldn’t seem to care less when I was pregnant and I felt that she was glad when I lost them. She never supported me barely visited me in hospital and never spoke to me about it or asked if I was okay. Now, my sister has had her baby girl at the start of this year and and I couldn’t be more happy for her, but when I see my mum with the baby, I can’t help but feel a sense of anger -that sounds awful- but that she’s so happy with my sisters baby and cares so much but she didn’t care about mine at all and mine were just an inconvenience. It’s started to negatively impact my relationship with my mum because when I see her with the baby it really gets on my nerves, not because she shouldn’t be living with her granddaughter because of course she should! But just that my babies never got that same love from her, during my sisters pregnancy she was so supportive.
Any opinions appreciated xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 17:51

* loving with her granddaughter

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2020 17:52

You are not being unreasonable at all to be sad about this. Anyone who has suffered 5 miscarriages is going to struggle with this.

Zoecarter · 09/07/2020 17:55

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your mum probably hasn’t wanted to upset you. I have had misscarriges in the past and it’s not the same as a baby in the world. How would of you wanted to your mum to show the baby’s love. I am sounding really harsh but it’s not like she has 2 grandchildren and treating them wildly different.

I think you are directing your anger of
The misscarriges to your mum. It may be worth having counselling x

Zoecarter · 09/07/2020 17:56

Sorry I hope that isn’t overly harsh / bitchy It may just be your mum didn’t know how to tackle the loss or want to upset you by talking about it.

I hope I am making sense

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 17:58

Yeah I guess it’s just when I think about how differently she treated me when I was pregnant and just how excited she was to go to my sisters scans, but when i asked her to come to 1 scan I had practically had to beg her to come with me and it was a real effort she made it clear she didn’t want to be there. But yeah I did think perhaps there was a small part of me being unreasonable, just think I never addressed the way she treated me until I’ve now seen the difference that she can be supportive but just not with me

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Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 18:00

You don’t sound bitchy at all Zoe I appreciate your opinion☺️ X

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Pollocking · 09/07/2020 18:00

I'm sorry for all your losses. No wonder you're angry. But I agree with a pp that you're misdirectiong your (understandable) anger and upset -- you really can't compare your mother's behaviour to a child she knows with her behaviour to you during your pregnancies. And if he's now you're ex, perhaps she wasn't entirely off the mark with her disapproval of your then partner?

Zoecarter · 09/07/2020 18:01

See that’s a completely different circumstance. I think if she didn’t like your partner you would assume she would be more supportive. Incase you split up and needed her more. I am so sorry x

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2020 18:03

YANBU but she probably has no idea you are feeling this way. Could you talk to her? It might clear the air. Some people are still embarrassed to talk about miscarriage and lack sensitivity towards the whole issue.

Perhaps a quiet word with you DM or sister might help ease the tension. If not you might just need to avoid seeing her with the baby for a while. You don’t say anything about your sister, did she support you?

whiplashy · 09/07/2020 18:04

a baby that has been born is an entirely different kettle of fish to a lost pregnancy

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 18:05

Yeah I think it’s more when I think about how she was during my sisters pregnancy, think I didn’t originally write my feelings correctly but yes you’ve got a point there, and my ex wasn’t a bad guy she just disapproved for cultural reasons I won’t get into x

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Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 18:09

My sister was awful to me during my pregnancies aswell, she said some really insensitive mean things to me, my whole family weren’t there for me but when my sister was pregnant she could kind of understand how she would feel if it happened to her so she apologised but I’ve never had that from my mum

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moofolk · 09/07/2020 18:10

I think it's understandable that you feel like this, but not reasonable to hold it against your mum for loving her grandchild.

No doubt she would have loved your babies had they lived.

This must be so hard for you. Grief does awful things to us and makes us behave unreasonably.

My sister was awful to me because she couldn't have children and I had kids. It was horrible for me and I was angry but could see her visceral pain. She was unreasonable but couldn't control her feelings. She has adopted now and all of that is behind us.

It's resentment and sadness and grief all rolled into one. Totally understandable, but easier to let go if acknowledged.

Love and care for you OP. I hope this horrible time gets better for you.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

bonjonbovi · 09/07/2020 18:12

What were the cultural reasons? Given this is her only dislike, I imagine this is the crux of the issue.

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 18:14

@moofolk yeah I actually feel bad for feeling the way I do, because I’m making it about me when it has nothing to do with me. It’s just when I think of how supportive she was with my sister compared to how unsupportive she was with me, it just hurts but I guess I’ve never spoke to her about it because she never seemed to care. Completely get what you’re saying thank you for your input and sharing your experience ❤️❤️❤️

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jessstan2 · 09/07/2020 18:22

I understand how you feel however there must be mums out there who know their daughters are making a mistake with an unsuitable partner and breath a sigh of relief if she miscarries. Harsh but true. He is now your ex so maybe she was right not to approve of him.

When you are with a good man and pregnant, she will be more supportive.

I don't think you'd like your mum to not like your niece and you do not know how she would have been with a baby of yours if you had carried one to full term.

Good luck for the future.

Phoenix21 · 09/07/2020 18:25

I’m so sorry OP. My experience was almost the same, I got no support during IVF and multiple miscarriages. None whatsoever.

This is about your mums lack of care for you. I now have a child that she dotes on but it’s always there that she didn’t give a damn about me or those previous 5 little babies that I lost.

In my case things were shit and she made them worse.

It’s ruined our relationship, but it does get easier with time - I detached for my well being.

If you haven’t already, you can build a relationship with your sister and niece independent of your mum so you don’t feel the pain.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2020 18:28

Were there a lot of problems between your family and your partner?

Fairyliz · 09/07/2020 18:29

Why is he your ex? Surely that means you have decided that you don’t want to spend your life with him?
Could you mum have seen something in him that she knew wasn’t right for you?

Phoenix21 · 09/07/2020 18:36

Even if the OPs ex was awful, surely you’d support your daughter through miscarriages?

The OP says mum reluctantly came to the hospital and showed it, but never asked the OP how she was doing or anything.

That’s just basic support and mum didn’t provide it.

DarkmilkAddict · 09/07/2020 18:36

Is there a black sheep/golden child dynamic you're only just seeing? We can be in denial for decades sometimes about the reality of our families Flowers

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree!

dottiedodah · 09/07/2020 18:37

I think she is probably happy to be a Grandma ,and ,as others have said perhaps she didnt like your ex and didnt feel he was right for you? Hopefully you will go on to have children of your own in the future and she will be a loving GM to them .

PicsInRed · 09/07/2020 18:40

Right to the point, was your mother racist about your babies' parentage? And therefore she rejected the pregnancies and refused to support you, including when you miscarried and needed medical support?

I'd struggle to come back from that, OP.
YANBU.

ToBBQorNotToBBQ · 09/07/2020 18:40

I voted YABU. Your and your sister were in different situations.

Original poster
Emilylouisex · 09/07/2020 18:41

@Aquamarine1029 I wouldn’t say a lot of problems between them, I just think shes quite pushy and has an idea of who she wants me to be with and he didn’t fit it, he wasn’t a bad guy though, we aren’t together because I ended things with him partly due to my anxiety and mental health being all over the place after everything

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