To dislike my mum now I see her with my niece

[Emilylouisex]

Hi,
I want to know if I’m being massively unreasonable here, I’m aware I might be. I unfortunately had recurrent miscarriages with my ex partner, during these miscarriages (5 in total) my mum was not there for me at all. She didn’t approve of the guy I was with etc but putting that aside honestly she couldn’t seem to care less when I was pregnant and I felt that she was glad when I lost them. She never supported me barely visited me in hospital and never spoke to me about it or asked if I was okay. Now, my sister has had her baby girl at the start of this year and and I couldn’t be more happy for her, but when I see my mum with the baby, I can’t help but feel a sense of anger -that sounds awful- but that she’s so happy with my sisters baby and cares so much but she didn’t care about mine at all and mine were just an inconvenience. It’s started to negatively impact my relationship with my mum because when I see her with the baby it really gets on my nerves, not because she shouldn’t be living with her granddaughter because of course she should! But just that my babies never got that same love from her, during my sisters pregnancy she was so supportive.
Any opinions appreciated xx

@Phoenix21 thank you for sharing your experience love ❤️ That must’ve been awful for you! Sending my love
And yes that’s more my point just that she was never supportive or asked if I was okay, and she rolls her eyes if she ever brings it up, like it was big inconvenience for her, I just don’t know how to address my feelings without it coming across angry or bitter

5 miscarriages in a row, what a nightmare.

I think though, to be all brene brown for a minute, the story that you're telling yourself is that your mum is glad you lost them. Is that true? Do you know that it's true? if it were a version of that truth, ie, your Mum did not want you to be linked forever to an arsehole, would you still feel as let down?

Some mothers, my own included have not got the emotional awareness need to parent ADULTS

Wow that’s really , I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I think the issue at hand is that she showed a lack of wanting to be there for you, and maybe you thought that was just how she was... but now since you’ve seen how she supported your sisters pregnancy, you’ve seen that the way she acted towards you wasn’t because that’s her character it’s because she chose to?

That would hurt me too. Hope you’re okay x

@DarkmilkAddict - that was the case with me so you are not necessarily wrong.

@Emilylouisex Someone once said to me ‘what response would you want, what response do you think you will get?’. I realised at that point that I needed to deal with my own feelings and detach as there was nothing that could be said to make up the treatment.

Sorry if I’m projecting but this is so very close to my experience admittedly with an amazing husband.

Was it because your circumstances were different to your sister’s? Is she married and you weren’t or something similar. Is she a traditionalist? Did she not like your partner?

Yanbu. 5 miscarriages is a terrible loss. You're very strong to get through that OP.
Taking your niece out of the equation, your mum has been extremely unsupportive. I would tell her how you feel, although have just seem something about her being racist and if that's the case then I'd have little to do with her going forward.

@DarkmilkAddict yes that could be the case, out of me and my sister I would say she is the favourite xx

Sorry for your losses btw. That’s hard.

At what stage did you lose your babies, OP? If it was early on, perhaps your mum is of that belief that they aren't really 'babies' until you are, what five, six months pregnant? Once she could see that your sister was likely to keep her baby she could relate to the experience more and therefore threw herself into that pregnancy?

Grasping at straws here and, not to belittle anyone's experience, but with the mega-sensitive pg tests on the market, it's hard to get excited for a pregnancy that's lost only days after the double lines are seen.

OP the Susan Forward Toxic parents book helped me a lot. It revolutionised how I react and gave me peace.

What’s your relationship with your sister like?

So sorry for your losses. Heartbreaking reading your post - you are definitely Not BU. You deserve love and your mum didn't seem to show it you. I can understand you must be feeling so left out and ignored.

Sometimes people don't know what to say or anything. Maybe she didn't like your ex partner maybe it was that, maybe she's had mc herself and can't broach the subject or hasn't and therefore does not what you went through.

However, if you want to address this with your mum -and I would suggest counselling first on your own -I would not do a comparison with your sister, but about the issue just between you and her lack of seemingly empathy etc but I would suggest counselling alone first.

Actually, re-reading the first post, your mum sounds a bit like my own. Basically a good person but only a very narrow range of emotions are allowed. Like, it's easier to be a cheerleader for one daughter's pregnancy than it is to think of the right things to say in a difficult situation for the other daughter. Because the former doesn't require much, and the latter requires empathy, sensitivity, understanding etc...

My family was like this to me growing up. I was only allowed to be 1) grateful. 2) optimistic/cheerful. Anything else was stonewalled. Still is.

@lilgreen my sister is older than me and had been with her boyfriend a little longer, - they aren’t married- but I had been with mine for 2 and a half years so this wasn’t a stranger. My mom is very traditional she very much worries what people think.

@Zaphodsotherhead they were all around the 3-4 month mark, had scans for them seen heartbeats etc but would never last. I understand what you’re saying 😘 x

@DarkmilkAddict

Is there a black sheep/golden child dynamic you're only just seeing? We can be in denial for decades sometimes about the reality of our families

Apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree!

I was thinking this, and then DarkMilk said it. It kind of fits with my family dynamic also. Counselling helped me enourmously to come to terms with the fact that dSis will always be favourite child. Not completely at peace with it, but mostly.

@Phoenix21 my relationship with my sis has been rocky but it’s better lately. I had a lot of time off work dealing with my miscarriages at which point my sister had a go at me at one point and told me to “get over it”. She didn’t really visit me either in hospital but I’ve grown to expect less from them from the experience x

In that case, @Emilylouisex I apologise. Your mum should have accepted those as pregnancy losses and, at least, showed some sympathy and offered you condolences.

you are not being unreasonable but I would say that because your mother sounds like mine I miscarried my one and only pregnancy mother was more relieved than anything else as it was a pregnancy outwith marriage She also said "it was no grandchild of hers as it was a bastard " I have never forgiven her and cant stand the fauning over nieces

@SummerDayWinterEvenings yes you’re right it’s not so much to do with my sister just since I’ve seen how she supported her, as another reader said, I’ve noted that the way she acted towards me wasn’t simply because that’s just how she is, it was because she chose not to be supportive as I’ve seen now that she can be. I have had some counselling before I might look into it again 😘

You aren't being unreasonable.

I dislike the relationship my mom has with my nephew, (my brothers son) she does more for him than she has ever for my children, even to the point of helping his mom with him more than she helped me when I had my children. I understand they are my children so they stay over at her house maybe twice year, but I see it as you either do for all or do for non. She's always done more for my brother so it just now extends to my nephew

Unfortunately, you can’t make someone be there for you when you need them the most, it’s a bit shitty on your family’s side though to ignore you. I do feel however, that you should see a bereavement councillor, who specialises in miscarriage as you may still be grieving and this could hepatitis with your feelings of anger towards your mum and sister. Sending you a virtual huge hug xx

OP, I’m so sorry for your losses.

@THEDEACON I have no words. Again, I’m so sorry that’s awful. With one IVF miscarriage she said I probably lost the baby as I was too sensitive to make a good mother.
No reason WHATSOEVER to say this.

@THEDEACON that’s awful I’m so sorry to hear that! I don’t understand people having such outdated views especially towards your own daughter! That would be really difficult to forgive, especially with her poor choice of words, hope you’re okay, sending my love 😘

@Juliehooligan I may look into counselling it did help me but I feel like I might’ve stopped too early, plus I had other things going on that I spoke about so I didn’t fully focus on my loses. Xx