AIBU to think that friends and relatives don’t need to pass on to me every random request for professional advice that they receive

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I work in a specialised field within a profession with a fairly high level of demand. I’ve been qualified for 25 years. I have always given of my time readily to help out family and close friends.

I get ever so slightly irked (it is not a huge deal - I’m posting as I’m interested in opinions, not because I can’t deal with it myself) when family and friends pass on to me requests for help from people who are at a big remove; for example advice for the daughter of a colleague of my friend.

I don’t have a problem saying “no” politely. But if you were me would you expect your friends and family to field these enquiries by just saying “lady Macbeth won’t be able to help you with that”. Or is that too precious of me to expect they might do so?

Sometimes I get unsolicited emails forwarded by friends or family members. They are always apologetic about it and say “I know you can’t help but xxx insisted I ask you...” As I’ve said, I don’t have a difficulty saying no. But I have stopped short of actually saying “why did you even ask?”

Just for clarity the help I am talking of is when I am asked to do something that would take several hours and involve a discussion with the person concerned.

I am absolutely big enough to be told I am being precious and to get over myself.

If I understand correctly, they want you to put in the research/work for free, that you are skilled in. Fuck that. I’m sick of people assuming that those in certain trades or careers are happy to spend their own time working for free, because the ‘asker’ can’t be arsed doing the research for themselves.

I would be telling these family and friends to immediately stop volunteering your time. The cheek of some people.

Email back and say this will take x time which will cost you y and see if they want to carry on

You are right. They are absolutely not offering paid work! To be fair I would probably not need to do much actual research as I’m fairly ancient and been doing my job a while and make sure I’m up to date. But each scenario I advise on is very fact specific, so I’d need to get a grip of the facts; which can be complicated. Thanks for your reply.

They are always apologetic about it and say “I know you can’t help but xxx insisted I ask you...” As I’ve said, I don’t have a difficulty saying no. But I have stopped short of actually saying “why did you even ask?”

So they can report back that you couldn't help, rather than them appearing obstructive to their friend.

Just keep saying no & hope they get the message. Or give them a price for the job.
I doubt they would expect a plumber to come & work on house or a mechanic to fix their car for free?

I must be fair my family don’t actually volunteer me. And they don’t mind that I say no. They just leave it to me to be the one to say no. Even though I’ve never met or heard of the person before. Rather than saying no themselves.

I do realise this is not a pressing issue at all. It’s just that I’m am my desk WFH doing paying work and this has just occurred (again) and so this email is sitting reproaching me in my Inbox! I’m not without empathy, but I don’t have the time to do unpaid work. I posted seeming views as a diversion from answering the blasted email.

They just leave it to me to be the one to say no.

Of course they do. This nonsense won't stop until you make it crystal clear to them that this is no longer acceptable.

YANBU. Reply to the email with your rates and invite them to you during office hours, whatever they are to you.
CFs. I would never dream of even asking!

If I were a betting woman I'd say you're a solicitor doing something high streety!

It sounds very annoying. I think ultimately you're going to either have to bollock your loved ones enough that offering your services is more painful than not offering them, or put up with it.

They are wussing out of saying no themselves. It sounds irritating so I’d have a blanket ban on saying yes to any requests and hopefully they’ll stop asking eventually.

What is the email asking you to do (not the detail, obviously) but do they want your thoughts to feed back to the friend? Look up specifics and ring the friend?

I’d just reply saying-sorry, I’m snowed under at work and I’m getting 2-3 emails like this a week now-I truly haven’t got the capacity to help. If they want an actual billed appointment with me-please give them my work number.

Rinse and repeat with anyone else who tries it.

You just tell them all to give a stock answer of. "She's really busy with her work so doesn't have time for free consultations as, as you can imagine she gets asked a lot and it's not really fair on her as it's time consuming and interferes with her actual work but you can contact her through official channels"
Any decent person would be more than happy to explain this for you.

You just tell them all to give a stock answer of. "She's really busy with her work so doesn't have time for free consultations as, as you can imagine she gets asked a lot and it's not really fair on her as it's time consuming and interferes with her actual work but you can contact her through official channels"
Any decent person would be more than happy to explain this for you.

I hear you! I'd just ignore unsolicited emails like that to be honest. I'm quite old and rude. And busy. Delete it!

You’re right op. I have family who have done this to me and I’m like “ honestly what do you expect me to do?” People shouldn’t offer up your time. Plus they are putting you in a bad position. Even if you have no problem saying no, that’s not really the point is it? You shouldn’t have to say no in the first place!

DH had this for years. It's lovely now he's retired; he just says he DAREN'T give advice because his professional registration and insurance have lapsed. He makes it sound quite virtuous, if only he could help etc etc.

Sorry this is no help to you, it may be useful one day!

I did a sort of beauty therapy course a few years ago and the amount of people who offered my their bodies to "practice on" after I was qualified gave me serious rage!!! So I can only imagine how annoying it would be if it's your full time career that you worked hard for for years.

I’d tell them that they need to stop forwarding the emails - if they have a need to ‘save face’ they should wait a couple of days before emailing back and saying “Lady Macbeth says give her a call at her office to make an appointment and she’ll let you know her availability”. Obviously it then puts in on you to explain rates if they do call, but I can’t imagine they’d be happy saying that direct.

Thanks all. Glad to know it’s ok to be a bit irked.

It’s no more than slightly irked I feel. It’s great to have a quick post here about something that doesn’t really matter. A great diversion. Back to that email now!

And to LizzieBennet - very close! Not quite. But very close.

I think I've posted about this before but my PILs were really critical of how much time I spent studying when I was trying to qualify in a professional role, and then as soon as I was qualified expected free advice on tap.

I don't mind helping close family and friends but don't whinge about what a shit SIL I am because studying means I don't have time to phone MIL daily and then expect to benefit from the hard work I put in.

I found after a few "sorry that's not my area" replies they got the message.

Also, what people seem to forget is that one of the things fees for professional work goes toward is indemnity insurance so if you get it wrong (and we're only human so it happens) you can call on your insurance rather than have to sell your house. And FIL is a spiteful little shit. I guarantee you if I'd gotten it wrong, he'd have made sure I lost my job.

Oh god I hate this !
I work in a corporate industry and my mum would advertise me to her friends or acquaintances, who would contact me out of the blue for help with something that was not even my speciality.
And no matter how many times I told my friends and family they would also approach me randomly and expect me to give them satisfactory answer, think weeknights while I was doing dinner / bedtime with DS, I'd try to give them a short answer to help them and then they would argue with me if it wasn't what they wanted to hear.
Honestly! It really does get my goat.
Now I say " sorry I can't help you that's not actually my field " and refuse to engage any further.

I would not have the nerve to do this but I might suggest that as they want to "help" the "friend" or "acquaintance" then perhaps they would like to pay your fee - at mates rates of course!!!!
Bet you never get asked again!

I may be wrong but I find that usually only women are asked to work for free....

That sounds frustrating, OP. Have you given your family a crafted response for them to pass on. What would be most appropriate for them to say?

LadyMacbeth is too busy with paid work to take on any new engagements; or
Lady Macbeth has only a little availability for paid engagements. Here's how her paying clients get in touch with her.

That way your family don't need to be the bad guy and if you have availability for paid work then a potential client doesn't have the door slammed in their face. If they just want a free consult then it's a polite but firm 'no'.

Good luck.