AIBU to think that friends and relatives don’t need to pass on to me every random request for professional advice that they receive

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

I work in a specialised field within a profession with a fairly high level of demand. I’ve been qualified for 25 years. I have always given of my time readily to help out family and close friends.

I get ever so slightly irked (it is not a huge deal - I’m posting as I’m interested in opinions, not because I can’t deal with it myself) when family and friends pass on to me requests for help from people who are at a big remove; for example advice for the daughter of a colleague of my friend.

I don’t have a problem saying “no” politely. But if you were me would you expect your friends and family to field these enquiries by just saying “lady Macbeth won’t be able to help you with that”. Or is that too precious of me to expect they might do so?

Sometimes I get unsolicited emails forwarded by friends or family members. They are always apologetic about it and say “I know you can’t help but xxx insisted I ask you...” As I’ve said, I don’t have a difficulty saying no. But I have stopped short of actually saying “why did you even ask?”

Just for clarity the help I am talking of is when I am asked to do something that would take several hours and involve a discussion with the person concerned.

I am absolutely big enough to be told I am being precious and to get over myself.

Could you have a friends and family rate (just a little cheaper than normal) as I expect that might stop the requests altogether.

My profession means I am essentially an advice service and I often have fairly removed people asking for advice. I’ve sometimes thought that if I was a plumber they wouldn’t get this for free. But to me it’s a lifestyle choice, I’m happy to do it. And if they came to me at work they would get it for free, albeit just in work time.

Thanks all.

The idea of giving my family a crafted response is a good one. I think I just needed the confidence that this would not be a terribly self important thing to do. For context - I am the first member of my family/extended to go to university. My family is proud of my achievements. None of it comes from a bad place. Thanks again.

DP has quite specialised knowledge in his field and gets this all the time. He's quite amenable with those he knows well and likes but points those further removed to his hourly rate. They tend not to ask him about it further!

It's not self-important, OP, and no one with goodwill would think it is. It might just be your family are struggling to navigate and communicate so might benefit from your steer.

Good luck.

Say 'my hourly rate is...'

I work in recruitment and the amount of times I've had friends/family say "x is looking for a job as a waiter/doctor/ice cream man, you should speak to them!" err no, because I work in one specific industry. I don't just find jobs for whoever comes along.

Send them your price list/hourly rate each time and ask if they would like to book an appointment. Repeat every time.

I always feel sorry for my hairdresser. Everyone in their family and friends wants them to cut their hair on their days off and doesn't want to pay.

I would understand if people were
Coming to you because they want someone they 'know'.

You need to talk to your family and put them straight.

can you say that for regulatory and insurance reasons you can’t give advice to non-clients? Would that work?

If your family are acting as a go-between, tell them that you can only deal with the requests of their acquaintances if they get in touch directly at your business address. That puts the onus on them and should lessen the expectation that it's anything more than a business transaction. Even though it's coming from a good place, you're completely entitled to draw boundaries

Thanks all. I know where it’s headed. Nice to know I’m not unreasonable.

YADNBU. But you need to explain to your family and friends that this isn't on. That you get dozens of requests, each of which would take several hours to prep and deliver, and would massively impact on your working life. Ask them how they'd feel if you regularly referred friends to them with an expectation that they would offer their skills and time for free.
I'm also in a profession where this is expected and it is frustrating. I've got good at saying no, but some people are quite thick skinned.

Reply My fee is £x per hour and I make a minimum charge of 10 hours. If this is agreeable to you I will forward a contract.

I'm sure they'll stop them asking

I would have thought by now that your family would have got the message especially knowing that you always decline these requests. If someone asked me to pass on a request to a family member about availing of their expertise I would just say that they are very busy and don't have time to deal with people outside of their paying clients.

Yanbu

I get this - school mums, neighbours many houses away, relatives of friends... ringing me, texting, knocking on my door - sometimes late in the evening as it's always 'urgent', mostly not my field and always a long story as they 'need my help and advice'. Err ... no you don't.

Sone days my smile stays on my face but other days, I resent attempts to steal my only free time in evening , my walk home with DC or any of the other lovely things I was busy doing in the little spare time I have.

I don't mind a good friend asking but it's the 🧐 acquaintances who barely know me that become intrusive, feeling they have a right to free help instead of going the right route in the first place.

I like some PPs suggestions of sending fee rates. Unfortunately I can't in my field.

But I am very good at ignoring things I don't want to do because I'm usually too busy to stop anyone, my work is already highly prioritorised.

Here's how I started dealing with it outside work-

-I ignore long texts - just don't respond

• Move these emails to a separate folder (mine is call 'Odd Requests') and forget - I have a set reply I send after couple weeks if I ever have time to read them . If it's something or someone close I want to help, I will

• I ring my own doorbell if I have a developing long telephone call I want to get out of (this works for my DM too!)

• I keep people at the door who've knocked unannounced "for advice" and explain I'm midst cooking dinner so only have a couple minutes

-The at the school gates are the worst offenders as you're trapped there waiting for your child to come out.

I had a former work colleague ring me out of the blue for a chat. We’d been friendly at work but not much else. She wanted to go for a drink to ‘catch up’ and seemed strangely keen for my husband to come along too. She’d met him just the one time. It finally clicked when she revealed she wanted his professional advice on a matter and with her characteristic lack of awareness actually had the cheek to say that little old me probably shouldn’t bother coming as I’d only be bored. Some people! Lol.