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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end it now to avoid future heartbreak.

51 replies

Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 14:34

Boyfriend of 10 months. He’s wonderful. We have a great relationship. I am the happiest Ive ever been.

We’re moving in together, or we were planning to until today he shared that he’s thinking about applying for an amazing new job - an hour and a half away. He hates his current one. He’d live with parents Monday- Friday and come home to me at weekends.

He’s probably going to get the job as it’s in his old workplace and he’s been headhunted.

Can a long distance relationship last? Our weekends are busy, we’re both very sociable.

I’m wondering how much time we’ll get together - is this workable?

YANBU - better to end it now.

YABU - stick with it.

OP posts:
MummyDummyNow · 09/07/2020 14:37

Would he have to move away? It takes my husband nearly 2 hours to get to work, has done it for years.

Bringmewineandcake · 09/07/2020 14:38

What are your living arrangements now? I wouldn't be moving 'in' with him if he's only planning to be around at the weekends, I think you'll end up feeling resentful.
I wouldn't break up with him either tho, give it a go. Could you move to his new location after 6mths / a year instead?

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2020 14:39

It’s workable if you both want it to be. An hour and a half isn’t that far. If he stayed with his parents a couple of nights a week he’d just have a few long days- worth it if it’s his dream job?

It’s a bit worrying that he’s planning this even before you live together. Normally you move in together because you want to be together more. If he’s not looking for possible compromises (his) then he’s maybe not as committed to the relationship as he might be.

MiniCooperLover · 09/07/2020 14:39

Why can't he commute like a lot of people do? Why on earth does he have to move back in with his parents ??

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2020 14:40

Also, 10 months isn’t that long considering you have presumably been apart for a big chunk of that time in lockdown?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2020 14:41

Long distance? DH and I managed several thousand miles for 18 months.

Could you pick a location halfway and both commute 45 minutes (which is nothing)?

Besom · 09/07/2020 14:44

If you are together every weekend I don't see a huge problem with that. Not long distance but Dh and I have always been ships that pass in the night due to shift work so only really together at the weekend. I think it has been the saving grace of our relationship really as not enough time to get sick of each other.

whiplashy · 09/07/2020 14:47

you would be crazy to break up with him over this if you truly love him

Rainbowshine · 09/07/2020 14:50

We’re moving in together, or we were planning to

Have you actually agreed to live together? Found somewhere?

If you have then I can understand that he’s almost unilaterally changing the plan. That’s not cool.

If you’re at the stage where it’s still hypothetical and you haven’t done a budget or chosen a location then I might give him the benefit of the doubt.

George441 · 09/07/2020 14:51

Don't take any decision. I think you need to discuss with him first.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 14:54

Could you pick a location halfway and both commute 45 minutes (which is nothing)?

This seems like the sensible option. I wouldn't be throwing away a great relationship over an hour and a half drive

Rainbowshine · 09/07/2020 14:55

Also, do you think he’s hoping that you would then move in with him at a location closer to this job? Be careful, if so. This is what some men do to isolate their partner from their family, friends, and make them very dependent upon them. I may be a doomsayer - but have a look at the relationships board and you’ll see plenty that have moved to be closer to their partners work/family and it’s all gone very badly.

Bythebeach · 09/07/2020 14:56

I don’t think that’s relationship-breaking! But would suggest as a pp he spends a couple of nights at his parents and commutes the rest. My DH (until lockdown) had a 2-2.5 hr commute - stayed in Airbnb Monday night and Thursday night and tried to work from home Wednesday. Worked fine.

Original poster
Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 15:05

Thanks for your views, really helpful perspective.

He’s been living at mine through lockdown (it has been lovely) and we’ve been to view a few houses so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 15:06

To the person who asked whether he thinks I’ll move, he definitely does. I work from home, but I love where I live and it’s near everyone I love.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 15:06

He’s been living at mine through lockdown (it has been lovely) and we’ve been to view a few houses so far.

So why don't you get a house that's in between his work and yours?

Floralnomad · 09/07/2020 15:08

Just get somewhere in between the two places it’s hardly like he’s getting a job 5+ hours away , all it needs is a bit of give and take on both sides .

Throckmorton · 09/07/2020 15:13

Why has he assumed you will move, without asking you? That would be what would ring alarm bells for me

Original poster
Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 15:16

Working from home somewhere I don’t know anyone isn’t enormously appealing, but halfway is an option I guess Grin

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/07/2020 15:18

Halfway is pointless as it's inconvenient for both of you.

Do you know anyone in the town he's from? Had you always thought you'd stay in your home town?

Original poster
Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 15:22

I don’t know anyone there, no. He knows lots of people here and there though.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 09/07/2020 15:23

He blithely assumes you'll move away from everyone you know and love, and is willing to take a punt on your relationship ending in order to force that to happen.

With the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't commit to any man in a situation where I was surrounded by his family and friends and very distant from my own people. This becomes so very stark when children are born, especially if the woman leaves the workplace (by choice or force) and the man still has his work, his socialising, his friends.

I'd say this relationship is over.

sofato5miles · 09/07/2020 15:45

So you work from home. It is only 1.5hours away. I'd do weekends for 6 nonths or so then decide.

Some people are movers, others aren't. I would definitely move if i loved him but i move alot

Headandheart · 09/07/2020 15:47

Assume you will be renting not buying?

tiutinkerbell · 09/07/2020 15:49

Gosh I am moving a 6 hour plane journey away and wouldn't even think about ending my 9 month relationship! If you both want it to work it will, but you shouldn't just end things because of what might happen one day.