Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end it now to avoid future heartbreak.

51 replies

Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 14:34

Boyfriend of 10 months. He’s wonderful. We have a great relationship. I am the happiest Ive ever been.

We’re moving in together, or we were planning to until today he shared that he’s thinking about applying for an amazing new job - an hour and a half away. He hates his current one. He’d live with parents Monday- Friday and come home to me at weekends.

He’s probably going to get the job as it’s in his old workplace and he’s been headhunted.

Can a long distance relationship last? Our weekends are busy, we’re both very sociable.

I’m wondering how much time we’ll get together - is this workable?

YANBU - better to end it now.

YABU - stick with it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/07/2020 16:08

I think he's the one voting with his feet, not you. He has every reason to want to move there - family, better job, friends etc. You don't have one single reason for wanting to move there except to be with him.

Original poster
Doryanddim · 09/07/2020 16:16

Plan was to buy Sad

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 09/07/2020 16:19

This is all happening relatively quickly. Have you had good conversations about it? Really good, not just “wouldn’t it be lovely and romantic” but the hard work like money, housework, etc?

FizzyPink · 09/07/2020 16:21

Surely if you wfh just move slightly closer so he only has an hours commute which is what lots of people do anyway. Bizarre to live at his parents Monday to Friday!

Or would he be able to wfh say Mondays and Fridays and just stay at his parents two nights a week? My boss has recently done this as his wife wanted to move back to be near her parents so he’s negotiated only 3 days in the office and wfh the other two so it’s not such a long commute

Rainbowshine · 09/07/2020 16:30

He’s been living at mine through lockdown

Who’s idea was that? Is he paying his way? Why couldn’t he live at his normal address?

Sparklfairy · 09/07/2020 16:35

I'd be wary he wouldn't want to pay his way with bills too. "Oh I'm only here two days a week so don't think I should be contributing to gas/electric/council tax" Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2020 16:43

@Doryanddim

Plan was to buy Sad
After less than.a year? You're mad!
Headandheart · 09/07/2020 16:46

You don’t sound sure enough of your relationship or the area to be buying.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/07/2020 16:50

Do you rent currently or own your own place?

Seeing each other weekends works for some people and not others. You might like it.
I wouldn't give up my home/social network for someone I'd only been dating 10 months. Bide your time.

Dontbeme · 09/07/2020 16:51

He’d live with parents Monday- Friday and come home to me at weekends

So kind of like a student coming home to mum to wash his pants at the weekend? Will he be adulting in his own home at all, why can't he rent a place for the weekdays, and you alternate weekend visits?

I would be wary, less than a year together and thinking of buying, that is madness, you don't really know each other. To top it all off he has decided to move away and expects you to up sticks to where his family, friends and work are and buy a house there. It is all about him isn't it.

vixxo · 09/07/2020 17:06

I wouldn't break up over that. If it doesn't work, then you can always break up, but I wouldn't just end it before even seeing how it goes.

HollowTalk · 09/07/2020 17:09

Surely if you wfh just move slightly closer so he only has an hours commute which is what lots of people do anyway

What's the point in both of them living somewhere where they don't know anyone?

Elbels · 09/07/2020 17:11

I definitely wouldn't buy a house with someone after only knowing them for a year and especially not if the idea that if they're an hour and half away is enough to want to break up with them!

AryaStarkWolf · 09/07/2020 17:15

Plan was to buy

So postpone it for 6 months and see how the relationship handles the work comute?

wheresmymojo · 09/07/2020 17:18

A long distance relationship Grin

An hour and a half is quite a normal commute to work and back every day for a lot of people.

Spotsandstars · 09/07/2020 17:46

Get married first. If that idea freaks you out then I wouldn't say you should be buying a house together.

ConkerGame · 09/07/2020 18:26

OP please don’t buy with him so early on in your relationship! There’s no rush at all! This is a new spanner he’s just thrown into the works without any consideration for you. If I were you I’d stay put for now, see how the next 6 months go with him coming down every weekend and if it goes ok then think about buying afterwards.

Honestly I’ve seen a couple of break ups after people have bought together and it gets SO messy. Personally I wouldn’t buy with someone until I was married, or at least engaged - buying a house together is a huge commitment so not one you want to make until you’re completely sure.

MadinMarch · 09/07/2020 21:29

Just stay living exactly where you are and he could come back to stay with you one night in the week and the weekends. That's very doable

Although travelling an hour and a half to work really isn't that unusual as many posters have already said, and he does seem to expect you to make all the sacrifices. You've not been together long and I certainly wouldn't be buying a place together yet.

thegcatsmother · 09/07/2020 23:21

It's not really long distance is it? Fwiw, we've spent an awful lot of our marriage with dh either at sea under the ocean, or weekending, or six weeking, when he was first posted abroad, We did that for 2 years until he was offered another foreign job, and we moved to join him.

We will have been married for 34 years this year - so yes, it can and does work.

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/07/2020 01:11

Sorry OP but there are a few things that would worry me here - not least buying a property together after less than a year, the relationship is in the early stages/

I would also be worried that he is not on the same page as you anymore. If you were making plans to evolve it to something more serious and then, after a stint living with you in lockdown he has told you he basically wants to keep it casual, and is moving in with his parents for a new job rather than with you, and seeing you infrequently at weekends instead for the foreseeable, when most people would just commute that distance and carry on with their relationship plans. It is quite a way off what you describe it was before OP, stable and committed and buying a home together.

The fact he seems to expect you to go along with it all and doesn't even really care that its potentially hurtful doesn't reflect well on him either. I would be expecting someone committed to be including you in these plans, asking how you feel and how it can be made to work by him commuting (its really not a big commute) or moving halfway. It's certainly not a 'long distance relationship', it's just a casual one, in those circumstances.

DressingGownofDoom · 10/07/2020 01:16

Don't give up your life to move for a man you've known less than a year who's made a massive life changing decision without consulting you, and who wants to live with his parents.

Lalala205 · 10/07/2020 01:37

It's a hard call if he hates his job and this would be a great opportunity for him then he'd be a fool to pass it by. I personally wouldn't be keen on a 3hr a day commute, unless massively necessary due to say having children and it being in their better interest location/schooling wise. He'll also probably be in a better financial position to save more for a deposit if he's just paying board to his family. However, from your side its pretty shit if he would then expect you to relocate to suit his needs more than yours? I'd expect him to chip in for time spent at yours during the weekends for any extra expenses incurred. But it's really up to you if you can live with 2 days a week vs 7 together for the foreseeable?

user1465335180 · 10/07/2020 08:21

I agree with @PicsinRed, you've only been together a few months and if he expects you to move for him that can leave you in a poor position. Maybe say no to moving and see how he reacts? It's kind of sad that even now some men just expect a woman to follow them without a qualm

mummyof2boys30 · 10/07/2020 08:36

Me and my husband bought a house after being together 9 months, and I was only 21! Married 12 years now and still in same house too 😊

TheSoapyFrog · 10/07/2020 08:39

I wouldn't call an hour and a half away a long distance relationship. Has he considered commuting?
I wouldn't necessarily end the relationship now, but would give it a chance. However I wouldn't be happy with the fact that he's decided he's fine with just seeing you two days a week. What happens if he wants to see his mates, have a holiday or do something that doesn't involve you?
Personally I think it's way too soon to be buying together and I would definitely put it on hold.
Conversely, I wouldn't rule out moving in together nearer where he works if needed, especially if you can work from home and the area is also nice, but only in the future when I'm a bit more sure of the stability of the relationship.