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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hate meeting up with friends and kids

57 replies

Zerowillpower · 09/07/2020 14:14

Not really an AIBU just wondered if I was alone. Never met anyone who feels this way. I have a two year old, and lots of friends who have kids similar ages and older. I know it’s completely normal to meet up with friends and take the kids to a park/kids group/soft play (the latter pre covid obvs) but I really don’t enjoy practically ignoring my kid so I can talk to my mates while actually, the activity is for my child not for me to chat. DD is always after my attention while I’m there, I don’t want to ignore her, you never get to talk to your friends properly, I just think it’s all a waste of time and would rather meet up with my friends in the evening to talk properly without all the interruptions. Feel like I’m always making excuses to not meet friends with kids in the middle of the day because I hate it so much. Plus hate making a commitment of a particular time when I need to work the day around an ever time changing nap time. Anyone else get me? Or am i the only one who feels like this?

OP posts:

FrankieKnuckles · 09/07/2020 14:18

I'm like that. I like to give my kids healthy food & if my friends have 'treats' for theirs my kids always want to eat it.
Plus agreed re no chatting, having to be rigid with time.
I've felt I isolate myself a bit due to this but now I'm not feeling so weird 🥰

Original poster

Zerowillpower · 10/07/2020 08:57

@FrankieKnuckles thanks for this. Maybe we’re the only two haha. I do feel like I’m isolating myself too, though do keep up with friends in other ways, I just really don’t enjoy meeting so we can “catch up too”. Feel it’s not fair on my daughter who would like to play with me and fair enough I think! Agreed about the snack thing too, when you meet with others you have to bend so much and end up doing stuff you’d not normally do. Thanks for being with me on this one, feel less weird now!

OP posts:

Macncheeseballs · 10/07/2020 09:02

I'm the same, but I guess when the kids are younger, you're just trying to grab bits of 'grown up' chat wherever you can fit it in, now I try not to mix socialising too much with people and kids, constant interruptions - dogs are the same!

californiasealion · 10/07/2020 09:03

I actually think this is where children can be quite useful, to be honest. I am an older mum to be and have spent my 30s sidelined from things like this.

AudacityOfHope · 10/07/2020 09:06

The activity is for your child; the chat is for you. I'm much more of the 'I brought you to a park, go and play' mindset. Your child gets your attention all the time, there's something to be said for letting them potter while you do something you enjoy.

GreytExpectations · 10/07/2020 09:08

I don't really get the issue? Surly it's nice to be able to have your kids socialise while the parents also socialise. It's just an easy way to meet up without having to worry about childcare if you leave the kids behind. Seems like an odd thing to moan about

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 10/07/2020 09:12

I loved it when mine were little but maybe that was because DH worked away and I was on my own and unable to leave the children in the evening. In fact I lived for really long play dates/ meet ups / toddler groups 😄 In fact I imagine some of my friends/random mum acquaintances felt like you and were keen to get rid of me ...but I was very lonely and sleep deprived. And I’ve never been great at playing with toddlers, I find them a bit boring 😳.

SueEllenMishke · 10/07/2020 09:14

I couldn't disagree more. Isn't it more about communal childcare and adult conversation?
It's good for kids to socialise together (even if they're of varying ages) and it's definitely a good thing to have them entertain themselves while adults are chatting to each other.

JacksCreation · 10/07/2020 09:15

I feel exactly the same and I have a 6 year old and now twins in the mix.

I'm dreading the school holidays as I know lots of the school mums will start suggesting picnics and meeting up in parks.

I'll feel like I can't watch my 6 year old properly and then my twins will want to toddle off in two different directions.

But people just say "oh bring the twins, they'll have fun" but it is so stressful and knackering!!

Also when people don't seem to judge that they need to park a conversation for a second so you can just sort something out and carry on talking at you whilst you are trying to multi task various things.

Can't be bothered with it and wondered if it was just me

Original poster

Zerowillpower · 10/07/2020 09:15

@GreytExpectations sorry if I came across as moaning, really wasn’t! I just always wondered why I didn’t enjoy it when everyone else seems to and found it odd that I really didn’t and wondered if anyone else felt the same as I felt I was being a normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Zerowillpower · 10/07/2020 09:17

@JacksCreation yes thank you!!! This is exactly how I feel especially the people not understanding you need to park a conversation while you stop your child from running off or throwing themselves off something! Must be 10 squillion times harder with twins in the mix too! Well done for your efforts, and get it is totally knackering x

OP posts:

Original poster

Zerowillpower · 10/07/2020 09:19

@SueEllenMishke yes I don’t disagree with this. I just envy you being able to do it, I just feel pulled in different directions and feel I’m not able to watch my child safely enough. But then I’ve never been good at multitasking - have to admit even though as a mum and woman you feel you should be able to naturally!

OP posts:

maddy68 · 10/07/2020 09:21

My heart sinks when friends turn up with their children if I'm completely honest

Rainycloudyday · 10/07/2020 09:23

I definitely meet up with friends and the after two hours realise we’ve only exchanged a handful of words because we’ve been running after our kids. But for me there’s something sociable about just having someone you know in the background even and it helps me feel less isolated. All personal preference though and I can understand all the points you’re making. Just beware of putting too much distance between you and friends now, because you might find you’re keener to meet up and do things with or without kids in future but if the friendship has drifted they might not be so available. Just a thought, but just do what’s right for you and your kids!

honeylulu · 10/07/2020 09:25

I think it depends on the sort of parent you are and the sort of children you have. Mine are older now but I loved the meet up concept. I'm in favour of a bit of "benign neglect" and letting children play and do their own thing. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to ignore your children if course and if that's you, then I can see why the set up doesn't suit you.

BUT mine were also bolters and completely fearless so there were many abandoned conversations when I had to bolt after them or stop them eating snails or bird poo. (My benign neglect didn't go that far!) So often the meet ups felt exasperating rather than enjoyable ...

Darkestseasonofall · 10/07/2020 09:27

Flipping heck I'm the polar opposite, I'm with DC 24/7 at the moment due to being on mat leave, play dates are the only thing that gets me through the day.
DD has someone to char about princesses and glitter with, the baby gets to crawl somewhere different, and you get to share a nice lunch with someone.
Having said all that it's not an obligation to do play dates, so don't feel bad about saying no.

SueEllenMishke · 10/07/2020 09:27

I think it depends on ages too. There's that awful time when they can walk but need supervising constantly which makes doing anything difficult. But then suddenly it gets easier .....DS is 5 now and for the last 2 years it's been MUCH easier!

GreytExpectations · 10/07/2020 09:27

[quote Zerowillpower]@GreytExpectations sorry if I came across as moaning, really wasn’t! I just always wondered why I didn’t enjoy it when everyone else seems to and found it odd that I really didn’t and wondered if anyone else felt the same as I felt I was being a normal.[/quote]
Nothing wrong with you having a moan, I just didn't understand. As I always assumed it was a good things for kids to be able to socialise and keep themselves amused with other kids whilst adults chat. I personally think it's healthy for kids to not always have the attention of their parents, supports independence and all that

SueEllenMishke · 10/07/2020 09:30

honeylulu I'm a BIG fan of 'benign neglect' too.....it does them the world of good to do their own thing and to understand that they don't get all the attention all of the time.

Darkestseasonofall · 10/07/2020 09:34

@SueEllenMishke we call it low level neglect in my house, but same thing! I think if you entertain the dc 24/7 they never learn to independently play, sort out squabbles with their friends, or prepare for school where they certainly won't have 1 to 1 adult attention.

gandalf456 · 10/07/2020 09:35

I used to hate this, too. I spent most of the time chasing one of them or stopping them screaming. I was always as flustered as hell and felt that mine were the worst behaved so often added to the feeling of isolation.

Most of the parents didn't stay in touch, although I have one whose son was of a similar temperament to mine and we (2 sons, I and the mum) have all stayed good friends so I could actually say, from that perspective, it was worth it and it passed the time.

Yokohamajojo · 10/07/2020 09:35

I get it! My kids are older now but when they were smaller I found it really stressful, especially meeting friends you hadn't seen for a while and one in particular always wanted to go out eating, her kid was 8 months and mine were toddlers, it was awful and I declined those invitations. She then got it when hers was a bit older!

Depends on where you meet though, playgrounds are generally ok I think, mine were quite happy in the sand but then if you have one that is hellbent on throwing themselves of slides or a bolter then it's really stressful

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 10/07/2020 09:38

I dont get this at all. Kids cannot have your full intervention 24/7. There are times when its good for them to play with each other and you to chat to adults, that is completely and utterly normal. Helicopter parenting where you have to micromanage every little thing they do is not psychologically healthy for the child.

I do get that sometimes its easier to have proper conversations without kids and thats what evenings are for but the idea that you cannot even have a few minutes conversation whilst they play is just weird to me.

MotheringShites · 10/07/2020 09:42

I think it’s really healthy for children to NOT have the full attention of their parent for an hour or so. It encourages them to explore and start the beginnings of a little independence in a safe way with their peers.

I could never understand the fully grown adults crawling around a soft play for hours trailing their kids (SEN aside of course). Let them be.

Babesinthewud · 10/07/2020 09:43

@AudacityOfHope

I agree. I would go so far as saying that it’s healthy for a child to have to learn that an adult can’t always play with them. They can learn to use their imagination etc more.

I would be a bit concerted that if they constantly have an adults attention to entertain them, they may struggle when they go to nursery/school

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