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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hate meeting up with friends and kids

57 replies

Zerowillpower · 09/07/2020 14:14

Not really an AIBU just wondered if I was alone. Never met anyone who feels this way. I have a two year old, and lots of friends who have kids similar ages and older. I know it’s completely normal to meet up with friends and take the kids to a park/kids group/soft play (the latter pre covid obvs) but I really don’t enjoy practically ignoring my kid so I can talk to my mates while actually, the activity is for my child not for me to chat. DD is always after my attention while I’m there, I don’t want to ignore her, you never get to talk to your friends properly, I just think it’s all a waste of time and would rather meet up with my friends in the evening to talk properly without all the interruptions. Feel like I’m always making excuses to not meet friends with kids in the middle of the day because I hate it so much. Plus hate making a commitment of a particular time when I need to work the day around an ever time changing nap time. Anyone else get me? Or am i the only one who feels like this?

OP posts:
Babesinthewud · 10/07/2020 09:44

concerned* I mean

SueEllenMishke · 10/07/2020 09:45

Exactly darkest
All joking aside it is really important and has helped during lockdown. DS is really good at entertaining himself and has had to do that as an only child with two working parents.

cantshakethis · 10/07/2020 09:45

Completely agree with you OP

MorrisZapp · 10/07/2020 09:45

My best friend travelled for two hours with her toddler so she could meet me and my toddler at a popular attraction.

The moment she arrived, we both had to chase our children in opposite directions. Think we managed about three minutes of actual conversation the entire day.

My angle on this would be that toddlers are arseholes though and that if you own one, you should meet friends separately. The dream of your toddler and your friends toddler entertaining each other while you kick back with a wee drink only works if you have cages to hand with locks on them.

Babesinthewud · 10/07/2020 09:48

@MotheringShites

I think it’s really healthy for children to NOT have the full attention of their parent for an hour or so. It encourages them to explore and start the beginnings of a little independence in a safe way with their peers.

I could never understand the fully grown adults crawling around a soft play for hours trailing their kids (SEN aside of course). Let them be.

The bottom bit of your post made me 😂🤣
Northernsoullover · 10/07/2020 09:48

I used to hate it too but not because I thought my kids needed my attention. Its because I don't like children other than my own Wink

malificent7 · 10/07/2020 09:48

Dufferent parenting styles may cause issues here. If you have a strict approach you are going to struggle. I think it does kids good to bugger off with other children and do their own thing for 10 minutes.
Having said that, i never enjoyed the mum/ baby meet up thing 100% as everyone thinks their parenting style is the best way and judges everyone else. Exhausting.

Wtfdidwedo · 10/07/2020 09:49

None of my friends have children so it's a lot easier for me as we just tag team my two children and manage to talk in between. Quite glad I have childless friends to honest!

Northernsoullover · 10/07/2020 09:52

@MotheringShites I'm so relieved that the days of soft play are behind me. I no longer have to witness performance parenting on a grand scale.
I'll never forget the sappiest dad ever shouting 'wonderful bouncing Willow' as his 7 (ish) year old was oblivious to him on the trampoline.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/07/2020 09:54

Depends how old they are. My DS is 7 and we are meeting a friend and her DS who is 9 at the park this weekend. The DC are old enough that they don't need us running around after them all the time so we can leave them to it and have a chat. Win win. With younger children it's a bit more difficult but I think it's healthy for children to learn to play independently with friends.

Babesinthewud · 10/07/2020 09:55

[quote Northernsoullover]@MotheringShites I'm so relieved that the days of soft play are behind me. I no longer have to witness performance parenting on a grand scale.
I'll never forget the sappiest dad ever shouting 'wonderful bouncing Willow' as his 7 (ish) year old was oblivious to him on the trampoline.[/quote]
Another funny post 🤣🤣

StarShapedWindow · 10/07/2020 09:56

I agree with the posters saying it’s very healthy for your DC not to have your full attention all the time. It’s also really good for the DC to play with each other. I do appreciate that having twins and a 5 yr old on a meet up with friends would be a nightmare - I think these meet ups become a lot easier once the DC are five and above. I have some friends who’s DC don’t give them a minutes peace when we meet up and I feel really sorry for them because it’s obviously stressful. Maybe it just depends on the type of child you have - I’m not sure if that’s a nature or nurture thing?

sangrias · 10/07/2020 10:12

I think it's important for my DC to see me having friendships. Inadvertently learning all kinds of things.. social interaction mainly but also noticing when they do have my undivided attention compared to when they don't. For me it's also important they feel part of a wider social circle - having family friends was important to me as a kid, it meant a lot and I still have most of those relationships now.
So yes it can be a pita , but worth it?

Camomila · 10/07/2020 10:16

MorrisZapp We had similar in Feb at the science museum, both families had a 3 year old and a breast fed babies, the dads spent the time comforting one 3 year old (friends DD found it a bit scary) and chasing the other 3 year old (my DS), we 2 mums spent the whole time looking for comfy quiet benches!
(Of course lockdown happened the next month so i'm glad we went!)

I prefer telling the DC to 'go play' and meeting up in the day time too, I want to put pjs on by 9pm and I've spent most of the last 5 years pg or co-sleeping so can't really drink anyway!

shinyredbus · 10/07/2020 10:26

Sorry I think that would be a totally nightmare - 24/7 just focusing on your child?! Where is the interaction, both for you and your child?! My neighbour was like this with her daughter, her daughter has had so many issues making friends now, it’s so so hard to talk to her and now she acknowledges it was her mistake. Her son - totally different, so sociable (Large-ish age gap between them).

I can’t even begin to imagine just focusing on playing with my child solo all the time. Sorry.

passthemustard · 10/07/2020 10:31

2 is quite young to say go and play on your own/with that kid. They need constant supervision etc.

Once they are 3.5/4 it'll be much easier to say off you go and then enjoy a chat with your friend.

AudacityOfHope · 10/07/2020 10:34

A 2 year old can easily go into the toddler bit of a soft play area alone; that's what they're designed for! Sure you need to keep an eye on them but there's no need for a parent to be their constantly willing playmate.

Melonslicexx · 10/07/2020 10:49

I wrote a post the other day very similar. Mine are five and two. I absolutely hate meeting friends with the kids. It's goes like this ....

Hi Laura. Shall we meet on Thursday about 11ish. We can go to the park and get a drink.

Me. Yes sounds great.

Thursday arrives. Toddler hasn't slept great. My head's aching. My five year olds been cheeky all morning.

Force myself to get ready. Get the kids ready. We can't leave the house without oh mummy we need to take food.

Me in my head to myself (for fuck sake) toddler starts shouting from his pushchair for the food now.

Start walking. Five year old starts waffling. Questions and questions coming out her ears. I just want to walk quietly.

Get to the location. Mummy push me on the swing. Me..... Can't you go on the slide for abit so I can talk to Claire.
No mummy. Push me please.

Claire's kid goes onto the slide.

I end up 5 meters away from my friend pushing my kid. After two minutes i try and get her to push her legs back and forth so I can go back to Claire. Then my toddler starts running across the playing field. One second Claire!!!

Then after about 45 minutes Claire's son and my daughter start to argue. She nicked his hat. He cries over a stick. I'm starting to feel irritated and want to go home.

I lecture my daughter on the way home about how she shouldn't take his hat. How when I'm talking to Claire and ask her to stop interrupting she should stop. I have told her 25 times to walk ahead with her friend whilst we chat.

A few weeks pass. I force myself to do it again. Because if I don't I won't have any friends when my kids are at school. Who will I meet up with when we finally can talk???

I don't go out in the evenings. So this seems my only way to go anywhere. Sighhhh

I hate it. I think I'm an introvert and I also get anxious about how the kids will behave Infront of others

SpinningLikeATop · 10/07/2020 10:49

Honestly I think it depends on the age of the children.
Older children might be more inclined to play together and leave you to chat. Your 2 year old obviously still needs a lot of attention and interaction.

Starlight39 · 10/07/2020 10:56

2 is pretty little and it will get easier! I think at that age, if you manage a few snatched bits of adult chat per meet up then you're doing really well! It is stressful but I think it's worth the effort sometimes (maybe not every day!) just to keep in with friends and their kids and it's nice for your DD to be around you and other kids. There will come a day when your DD runs off to play with the other kids and you can manage a half hour conversation at a time (or even more) and it'll feel more worth it. I'm also useless at multi tasting by the way and had a very clingy/demanding toddler (who is now very sociable) so I do know how tricky it can be!

Thefab3 · 10/07/2020 11:06

Maybe it depends on the children but mine absolutely love meeting up with other kids and literally run off and are way less demanding of attention than at home as they are so happy to be around their age group. They really enjoy it and are glowing afterwards.
I get it though re. not being able to chat . I’ve a few friends who are really chilled with their kids and don’t mind them out of view but I have two kids who wander off and bolt and I often feel on edge and look uptight I’d say. Also re food, my kids are good eaters and I’m very into proper,healthy meals , when they have snacks they don’t eat dinner but are still hungry and my kids hungry causes really bad behavior so hate when snacks are given on 1/2 hour meetup as just don’t think it’s necessary.
But overall I think it’s lovely for kids to meet up with friends and my dcs have no interest in playing with me when out and about!

ThirteenRed · 10/07/2020 11:21

I think it's because your experience so far has been with a baby then toddler. My youngest is 2 & trips to the park etc would be similar to what you've described. However my eldest is 5. She will wander ahead with a friend/ play on play equipment independently etc.

It's the stage you're at atm I think.

morefun · 10/07/2020 11:35

I always felt the opposite way and hated meeting friends who just wanted to pay attention to their kids and not chat! So boring for me. The whole idea of a meet-up for me was meant to be a win-win - kids play and adults chat!

morefun · 10/07/2020 11:56

But yes, def partly an age thing! Youngest is 3 now and will usually play without demanding my attention, especially in a park

JRUIN · 10/07/2020 12:08

I get where you're coming from OP, I never liked it much, especially if one of the other kids happened to be over rough or a spoilt brat. but ultimately you're doing it for your child's sake rather than yourself. So it's suffer the park in the day time and a night in/out with the girls at the weekend for you.