Social services

[DarkTimesLieAhead]

This isn't aibu but posting here for traffic.
I've just come out of an abusive relationship, he was controlling, coercive and some times physical. My doctor has put me on anti depressants which I don't think I need to be taking. My children are now on a child in need plan because the perpetrator is their dad. This comes as a result of me seeking help from the haven charity for women. Do I have to engage with social services? I'm out of the relationship and he is no danger at all to our children, he's a great dad and even though he was sometimes awful to me he has never been this way to the kids. I've just been reading that the child in need plan is actually voluntary, I have my first visit today and I'm so nervous I feel physically sick. I'd rather them not be involved at all to be honest. What is the best thing to do? The last thing I want is them to then put the children on child protection plan

The best thing to do is to engage. They just want to check that you can keep your children safe. You've done the right thing in leaving him, make it clear to them the relationship is over.
You can also ask their advice on things like contact with their father etc.

Yes child in need is voluntary however ss won’t tell you that, and will make out it isn’t. It’s voluntary but they can take it up to child protection if you don’t comply, though that won’t always be the case so I would suggest speaking to the family rights group. (If they are open at the moment) they are very good at giving impartial advice Ime .

If you don't think you need the antidepressants then have a chat with your gp about it.

To be frank, the quickest route to S47 enquiries and a child protection plan for your children is a refusal to cooperate.

Yes, a child in need of care and support plan is voluntary. But they are there to support you and ensure the children are in safe contact with their father and that they are not continuing to witness or be affected by domestic abuse. They Amy offer you referrals for yourself and your children to engage with DV courses and activities. Take them, attend them.

You have done so well to get you and your children away from DV -but the fact that the perpetrator will remain in your lives means you need support right now. They are trying to help you.

Engage and take the support they offer you. It is not punitive but many women succumb to further abusive relationships, either with an ex or future partners. Have you contacted Women's Aid or done their freedom programme? The more you can demonstrate you are planning for a better future and coping the more positive it looks.

The fact that you gave said he’s a great dad rings alarm bells. An abuser is never a great dad, he has been more than able to abuse the Mother of his children and this in itself is enough for SS to be involved.

I have no idea legally, but I do know of a woman whose kids were at-least temporarily taken away from her because the dad was violent to her in front of them and she continued seeing or living with him. She argued that she didn’t consider them to be at risk but SS disagreed. Not sure what ended up happening or the exact circumstance as this was all second hand but I would be very careful about compiling with SS in a situation like this, and assuming for your children that they are safe with him if SS disagree.

I won’t comment on ‘he’s a great dad’ or if poses a risk or not, only you know this, but from the outside looking in both seem questionable.

You haven’t mentioned if they witnessed or heard abuse, if they have this is highly traumatic and considered child abuse.

If you cooperate, they will likely do a little bit of work with you and close the plan fairly quickly. If you don't cooperate they may see this as a sign of endangering your children and they may step it up to a Child Protection plan which is not voluntary and much more serious. I've seen cases stepped up due to non-cooperation many times.
They not to worry, they are just making sure that the kids are ok, they are not trying to catch you put and are on your side. Once they are satisfied that the kids are fine, the case will close. Generally there is a pressure on social workers to close cases as soon as possible so hopefully it wont be a lengthy process.

I am currently waiting for the freedom programme to start running again. I am having counselling through the haven which is helping me. I will engage with them fully and hopefully it won't take long for them to close my case.

If their father was abusive - he is not a great father- it really is that simple...
no great dad is abusive to a childs mother..
I hope you getthe support you need to understand tthis and the implications that he is in no way a great dad... and his abuse of you will be abuse on teh children... they are not shielded from the abuse as his nature is abusive- if you/they think it is safe for him to see the DC then hopefully they will help arrange this is in a safe way..
in my experience they will want to talk to both parties

why do you not want them on a child protection plan/CIN what is it about these things you dont want...maybe if you articulate why - your children need extra support because their dad abused their mum - you are amazing that you have managed to get to a refuge - you will have improved their lives massively ...

speak to your gp about the AD but they can help when you have so much to sort/do/deal with ....that are all big issues...

Good plan op. Good dads don't terrify the mother of the kids. What happens to you, happens to them. I hope you can have a good chat today. They are there to help you protect the kids.

As long as you keep thinking your abusive ex is a “great dad” the children are at risk and social services should be involved.

I had the same OP
SS got me acess to the Freedom programme Which was amazing

Also , even if he loves the kids , he will eventually turn the abuse onto them

So he isn’t an amazing Dad
As he is a complete bastard to their mother

Don’t panic but engage , listen and acess the Freedom Programme

Don't be defensive - show that you can think objectively about your DC's safety. Coming out of an abusive relationship, your head is all over the place (I've been there) and not everyone snaps immediately into cool-headed risk assessment mode. It feels uncomfortable as the individual involved, but at a social level, it's good for children that someone is asking these uncomfortable questions.

Please don't worry, I have experience of this with my current job. They just want to make sure you are okay and the children are okay. They will want to provide you with details of services available to you and signpost you to additional support should you require it.

Thanks for the advice, I will engage with them, complete the freedom programme and continue with my counselling and hopefully it will all be sorted soon. The SW hasn't arrived yet she was supposed to be here at 12.30

I remember going to child protection training a few years ago, and a psychologist who works with victims at Women’s Aid saying that a good dad, does not abuse the mother of his children.
In my experience women who engage with social work, find it very useful. S W can help with counselling for the children, contact with the perpetrator, help with housing, finances etc. I remember one lady and the social worker was the only friend she had, because the perpetrator had isolated her from her friends and family. The S W was empathetic and supported the family over many months and their lives and empowered them, to make positive changes.

He is not a great dad if he abused you. He was teaching your children to either abuse or be abused. If he is not a physical risk to them, he is am emotional risk.
Massive well done for breaking away. SS aren't the enemy in this case. They just need to make sure your dc are safe from harm.

YES IT IS VOLUNTARY AND NOT ENGAGING WONT LEAD TO CHILD PROTECTION

Sorry for shouting but this drives me crazy. I am a social worker and I promise you that declining a child in need plan does not mean that threshold is met for child protection.

HOWEVER sometimes if a case is borderline as in things are almost to the level of CP and nothing has changed and is in fact getting worse, and a family disengages, then a section 47 MIGHT be appropriate. This does not mean that declining a cin plan means section 47.

Having said all that, I would advise you to engage. Ask for a realistic and focused plan with clear objectives and hopefully you can get it done in a few months. What is worrying is when families decline a cin plan then another incident happens a couple of months later - that might be more likely to be a section 47.

You HAVE to be a protective factor or they will step up from a CIN to a CP plan which you don't want.

I'd have a think about how you can ensure they are safe. Are you allowing access? Is it supervised? Is this something you can discuss with SS today? Being proactive and asking questions won't have your children taken away. If you refuse to engage and don't see how their dad impacts them and that he actually isn't a good father might do.

I'd see them today, engage fully and hopefully the case will be closed ASAP.

I'm sorry but if your children ever witnessed any abuse towards you then they too were being abused and your ex is not a 'great dad'. I witnessed my 'great dad' abusing my mother as a very young child - he was never 'abusive' to me - and yet I've been left with a lifetime of mental scars because of the things I witnessed that no child should ever have to see. This drives me crazy when people refuse to see the damage it does to not only the person being abused but the children involved as well. Social services are not demons, they are there to help you and most importantly your children, engaging with them is the best thing you can do.

As PP have said, he is not a great dad. Great dads don't abuse the mothers of their children. The fact that he has abused you will have affected them.

Engage with SS and they can help with arranging contact safely, any counselling needed and any practical support.

Just got off the phone with the social worker, they have arranged a CIN plan for 21st July via Microsoft teams. She didn't come out because of the coronavirus so just did a video call. She said contact is allowed but not in the house, he is to collect the children outside the house. She asked me to show her around the house which was rather odd I thought. I wish I had declined CIN meeting now.

Showing you around the house isn’t odd at all it’s completely standard to ensure the DC have a safe environment, bedding, food and appropriate toys. It’s not marking you for tidiness or your decor.

Glad it’s started off ok and hope you can move forwards soon.

They generally always ask to look around, I had one that wanted to see all rooms including mine and the bathroom. I’ve known of people who’ve had them ask to see the cupboards / fridge to check that there is food and asked to look in wardrobes to check clothes. Pretty standard if she came she would probably ask to see their bedroom at minimum.