Social services

[DarkTimesLieAhead]

This isn't aibu but posting here for traffic.
I've just come out of an abusive relationship, he was controlling, coercive and some times physical. My doctor has put me on anti depressants which I don't think I need to be taking. My children are now on a child in need plan because the perpetrator is their dad. This comes as a result of me seeking help from the haven charity for women. Do I have to engage with social services? I'm out of the relationship and he is no danger at all to our children, he's a great dad and even though he was sometimes awful to me he has never been this way to the kids. I've just been reading that the child in need plan is actually voluntary, I have my first visit today and I'm so nervous I feel physically sick. I'd rather them not be involved at all to be honest. What is the best thing to do? The last thing I want is them to then put the children on child protection plan

Can I decline the CIN meeting now I have already agreed to it? It's just more stress at the moment whilst I am having my counselling and doing the dolphin programme which is like the freedom programme except it explores the effects domestic abuse has on children.

You can decline the meeting but all the advice above applies

You can decline but it'll raise alarm bells for them. For all they know you could be cancelling because your back with your ex and want to try and hide it

Id engage with them If I was you, their not there to judge you, they are just there to support you and your children

I fled DV in 2017 and had SS involved for a few months. It went to court and he was found guilty and given a no contact order for me and the children.

Whilst waiting for it to go to court i had moved areas and was in a hostel. Court was on the 6th November, on the 27th November we got offered temporary accomidation and around a week after moving once I had signed us all up to a dentist/doctors and gotten the eldest signed up to nursery They signed us off and we have not heard from them since!

All you have to do is show that you are serious about keeping them safe. I had meetings maybe every 3 weeks with them during those few months and they were all very positive,

A lot of woman go back to their abusive ex and lie about it. These meetings are just to make sure you are all safe and doing ok

But SS do generally take the attitude that an abusive partner can be a good father. They usually separate out those roles (like the family courts also tend to). Even if that's clearly ridiculous.

So it could be more harmful for her to insist he's a bad father, as then they might accuse her of parental alienation.

So I'd be neutral about it and say that although he has abused you (in front of them, or not?), you haven't seen any evidence that he is a direct risk to the children (which they obviously agree with as he is seeing them unsupervised).

Good luck op.

But SS do generally take the attitude that an abusive partner can be a good father. They usually separate out those roles (like the family courts also tend to). Even if that's clearly ridiculous.

Yep! I was told by a SW that my abusive ex should be seeing the children as it’s in their best interest apparently, when I said it wasn’t, I got told it wasn’t about me it was about them she even asked me if I would consider emailing him to ask if he wants contact. This was a man who was violent to me which she knew of and was no contact by his own choice and hadn’t seen the kids in about 2 years by that point.

Op I really think if you want to decline it, my advice would be to speak to the sw and don’t tell them you are declining it but ask what would the consequences be if you decline it (that’s what I was advised) The social worker said to me “but you agreed to it” she refused to answer the question. If this happens go to her manager, I had to go to the manager as she wouldn’t answer the question and the manager told me nothing at all would happen.

Why do you want to decline the meeting? Surely as you’re engaging with that Dolphin programme and can demonstrate you’re willing to comply with their recommendations, the sooner you do that the better?

I’ve been here. It’s fine - they just want to know that you are putting the children’s needs first and that he won’t be coming back into the family home.

When my exH was removed from the home by police SS were involved for about 4 months max. I engaged with them fully and they were extremely supportive to me. In their report they said no risk to the kids as long as dad is not in the home, mum already done or doing everything we would ask - without having to be asked I had already reached out to my kids school and nursery, family, our church and had signed up to freedom programme.

They backed me every time with a difficult exH over contact, and signed the kids off their caseload within a few months. I continued to have Team Around the Family meetings with school, nursery, HV, for the rest of the year which was my choice as I found them helpful and supportive at a time I needed that.

When they first visited the house they had a look round the house, which is totally standard to make sure the children are in safe and nurturing environment, have a bed each, appropriate toys and clothes etc.

They just want to make sure he’s not coming back and you can cope on your own. That’s all.