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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Different ideas on parenting

39 replies

Larkin1 · 08/07/2020 21:32

Ok, so I know this will be controversial, because parents will likely disagree with me, please be kind, but I absolutely hate screens for kids. I genuinely think they should be left until they are adults.

I know they are a great learning tool and " that's the way world is going " but they are highly addictive, I even catch myself on my phone, generally looking at rubbish, and consciously taking it upstairs and leaving it by my bed so i can concentrate on my kids.

I just think kids should be kids, let them play with their toys and use their imagination and explore the world around them. They will be on screens the rest of their life. I just think kids should have a childhood.

So recently my Ds8 has been offered an xbox from my BIL. My Ds has never asked for one, he genuinely just loves to play with his toys or play outside with his football. He has never cared about having an xbox.my DH knows my feelings regarding xboxes and he said he could have one. In front of him. I said i'm really sorry but no. My DH shouted at me and told our Ds just blame your mother for being left out and never getting things, it's her fault.

I know people are like " you can limit it " give them a set time etc . But I know what will happen. I feel so strongly about this and no one agrees with me. I have to battle with my Dh about this..

His family have been brought up with computers. He is never off a screen, he sometimes has 4 on the go at the same time, and all the while my DC are trying to get his attention.

I'm just not ready for my Ds to have one yet. One of my friends son has just turned 7, his room is bare, apart from lego, he just sits on his tablet , 1 of 2, and doesn't play. I have just been told by my friends, his lego is about to be sold. This makes me feel so sad.😞

I guess i'm just so angry that my Dh's family seem to be pushing for my kids to " belong to the digital world", this is not the first time and I am being made to feel unreasonable.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/07/2020 22:02

I don't agree, games can encourage kids to be imaginative or learn things. It isn't all a big waste of time and as long as you keep encouraging your son to do other things then he probably will keep all his interests going. You can limit time on it but to not let him have one at all seems unreasonable

Ellisandra · 08/07/2020 22:08

Your husband:

  • ignores your wishes on a strongly held position
  • shouts at you
  • sets your son against you
  • ignore his children

I don’t think worrying about screen time for kids would be top of my things to worry about list Sad

Mylittlepony374 · 08/07/2020 22:08

He shouldn't shout at you. That's not ok.

I had two boys, twins, in my class at school in the 90s. They didn't have a TV in their house, for many of the same reasons you don't have screens. They missed out on a lot of conversations with us, pop culture references, movies of our generation etc.

They hate their mum. I know it's not solely because she denied them TV, but it's because her parenting style was soooo far away from everyone else's parents that it made them the odd kids out.

Don't make your kid the odd one out. Support him to learn limits and access technology responsibly.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 08/07/2020 22:12

OP by all means parent how you wish and your DH was so far out of line I can't describe but I do agree with previous pp's. I think depriving kids of things that are in the world around them and how they will connect with friends isn't great in the long term, I'm not a fan of screens either but I limit my kids on them and they aren't overly bothered because they have access but also boundaries.

Ellisandra · 08/07/2020 22:14

I do think you’re totally OTT about hating screens for kids - and waiting until they’re adults Shock

I speak as someone whose child had no TV until they were 5.

One of my kids is glued to a drawing app on iPad. Since using that so much, her free hand drawing on paper is amazing!

And we’ve watched so many educational videos together over lockdown - much more engaging than a text book alone.

Also her make up skills - an art form that she really works hard at - have really been improved via YouTube tutorials.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/07/2020 22:15

Hi OP

I think you really need to talk with your husband about why he undermined you like that- he should have at least said he would discuss it with you given he knows your stance on it. And then to turn around and accuse you of ruining all the fun to your child, that's disgusting, and harmful, and I would be absolutely furious. Most parents try and agree on things at least infront of the children or say 'we need to talk about it' or something to argue away from them. Most parents have different ideas about some things but try and present a United front.

Anyway your child will be growing up in a world of screens and in my opinion they need to be able to learn to moderate their time on them etc. I don't think say half an hour a day or every other day at 8 is going to harm him. And if your husband disagrees with you then you need to find a compromise since he is their parent as well.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/07/2020 22:19

Sorry OP but YABU

You cannot seriously isolate your child from computers, pads and all forms of technology and then expect them to keep up with their peers in school. In only a few short years, your DS homework will be assigned online and he will have a school email as well. Many schools now have e-textbooks that have interactive learning resources linked to them online.

Unless you are going to pack up and join the Amish in the US, you need to start getting him exposed to and comfortable using “screens”.

D4rwin · 08/07/2020 22:21

There's a big argument for children not being on screens as they just don't get moving anywhere near enough!

Also true for adults. It IS outrageous when an adults attention cannot be got because they're zoned out on a device. Very damaging to be so uninteresting in that way for the child. I'd insist on set times of the day where the adults showed 1. Self control and 2. Their interest in the child. Screens being used around others is mostly rude, though I am sure some use such as a plane tracker or star map might enhance shared time.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 08/07/2020 22:22

Ellisandra agree

Thurmanmurman · 08/07/2020 22:25

Honestly OP I wish it all didn't exist and my kids could have the 80s childhood I had but it's not going to happen. Your kids will be left out and will resent you for it.

EmmaMY · 08/07/2020 22:37

DON’T get an Xbox for him! 🤯 My DS is 9 and we have had an Xbox in the house for 18months now. I hate it. It is the source of almost all of our arguments with our DS. He has time limits etc, but it still feels like it rules our lives... Even my husband who bought the Xbox, regrets getting it.... Our DS really struggles to entertain himself now, and only reads books once he comes off it. He doesn’t want to do Lego anymore and gets bored of most “normal” games very quickly. This was not the case pre-Xbox. He plays about 6-8h a week.

I’d say leave it as long as you possibly can.

LockdownMayhem · 08/07/2020 22:38

Interesting that so many posters here are really down on the dh here... Although shouting is obviously not ok, it seems like you are the more controlling one here op - basically you don't like screens so therefore you've decided that your son is not to have one and when your DH makes a different decision to yours and tries to do something nice for his son, you automatically overrule him...

I'm actually not a huge fan of screens either but my kids have then but they are heavily limited and we have a compromise. They still play with toys (well, the younger one does, the 11 year old not so much these days) and they still okay outside, so crafts, baking and all the rest of it. But like a pp said, it would be really hard for them to relate to their peers if they don't have any knowledge of TV shows or games.

But none of that really matters, as ultimately, you and your DH have to be on the same page and it doesn't seem like you are and that's going to be a bone of contention in years to come.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 08/07/2020 22:45

Sorry but you have a husband problem that is far more pressing than the screen dilemma

The way he spoke to you is vile and should never happen , the message he has given your son in how to treat women will damage him way more than screen time

Lalas1 · 08/07/2020 22:48

Do they not use computers at school? I have a DD the same age and she and her sisters all use them at school. They also watch a bit of TV everyday and have a limited amount of time on tablets but (in normal times) also do netball, gymnastics, swimming and can spend ages on the trampoline. They have a room full of well used toys and eldest loves art. Until they are a lot older you should have complete control over how much time they can spend on devices any way. Allowing some screen time doesn't mean they can't enjoy lots of other things too. Your DH absolutely shouldn't have spoken to you like that though.

sirfredfredgeorge · 08/07/2020 22:59

Honestly OP I wish it all didn't exist and my kids could have the 80s childhood I had but it's not going to happen

I was 8 in the 80's, I had a computer, they weren't in the slightest bit unusual.

equuscaballus · 08/07/2020 23:01

YANBU
The difference between kids brought up without screens and those with is significant. I think there are very few families who are going down this route, so we are in the minority OP.
We have no games consoles or TV although we have film subscriptions (disney etc)
Our children 6 and 10 get on very well and play actual imaginary games for hours a day and lego is still a firm favourite in this house. I can see why you'd be sad to give this up.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/07/2020 23:03

Obviously the shouting was wrong, but I think the DH just snapped. I’d be frustrated and probably snap too if my spouse had unilaterally forbidden all screens from our children and refused to compromise for 8 long years. I mean it’s one thing to support your spouse on no TV or no screens when they are preschool age but, seriously, to have zero screens at age 8 when they are almost secondary school age and will need to know how to use them to keep up academically- this is no longer prudent parenting but harmful extremism.

Ellisandra · 08/07/2020 23:04

I was 8 in the 80s, and computers were very unusual. I can think of one person, and that was an adult (though his children got to use it for games) who was quite serious with it - not a child just owning it for entertainment.

There were about 4 people in my class with hand held Donkey Kong though, which any one of us would have played all day given the chance!

Original poster
Larkin1 · 08/07/2020 23:08

Thank you for replies. I feel a little hypocritical when I admit, they actually do get to play on my kindle or computer, they play games allocated by the school, some games on bbc bitesize and they get to go on an xbox and their Gran's phone to play games. Because they are not their own. I feel they don't get a lot of time on them, they are still picking up the skills and don't have the chance to get addicted. They do get screen time ,it's just more of a worry that they would request their own and It takes away from their childhood.

The xbox is a huge no, i'm sorry if people think i'm being unreasonable, but I've watched what it does to children. I know there will be a time when I will have to give in. I told my son I got a nintendo when I was 11, he was always in the mindset he would get one then. And that was that, no there was no further discussion until my Husband decided to go ahead and offer him one.

In regards to my husband, yes he can be like that. It's the way his dad talks to his mother. I I have extensive conversations with my children about an appropriate way to speak to someone and that we can all make mistakes when we are feeling angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Larkin1 · 08/07/2020 23:09

Should have said their uncle's xbox at their granny's house, not in the house

OP posts:
my2bundles · 08/07/2020 23:12

It's about balance. My teen son has always used screens. From tv S a tot to now using them for his ps4 and his computer for schoolwork Both have been essential during lockdown, the ps4 so he can chat and play with friends he carnt see. He is a weLloyd rounded kid. As a young child he played with toys, used his imagination and spent lots of time playing outside. As a young teen he plays several sports, seviral instruments and academically is in all top sets. It's about Balance, if you ban them completely I can pretty much guarantee they will rebel horribly during the teen years.

welliwasntexpectingthat · 08/07/2020 23:17

I'm in agreement with you. Something disappears when they start to use screens a lot, nevermind "game". I keep a very tight grip on it and definitely no xbox...

Original poster
Larkin1 · 08/07/2020 23:20

Balance is a big thing for me! I like your reply. When I say until they are adults. I don't literally mean they will be banned until they adults. You can't get away from screens, of course its a part of their life. I just feel i'm working hard for it not being a big part of their childhood. Introducing an xbox which i just don't think my ds8 yr old is ready for and my ds5 yr old certainly isn't. He does what his brother does. It would break my heart seeing happy playful imaginative kids glued to an xbox.

OP posts:
my2bundles · 08/07/2020 23:22

Larkin going by your later post it actually sounds like you do allow quite alot of screen time for someone who says they are so against it before adulthood. Sounds the same amount I allowed my kids at 8 so you really carnt say you are against it really. Hypocritical to say the least.

DeeTractor · 08/07/2020 23:23

Your son can have an Xbox and still love to play with legos and play football. Contrary to popular MN belief he is not doomed to become a mindless zombie if he is exposed to the evils of Fortnite and Minecraft.