Different ideas on parenting

[Larkin1]

Ok, so I know this will be controversial, because parents will likely disagree with me, please be kind, but I absolutely hate screens for kids. I genuinely think they should be left until they are adults.

I know they are a great learning tool and " that's the way world is going " but they are highly addictive, I even catch myself on my phone, generally looking at rubbish, and consciously taking it upstairs and leaving it by my bed so i can concentrate on my kids.

I just think kids should be kids, let them play with their toys and use their imagination and explore the world around them. They will be on screens the rest of their life. I just think kids should have a childhood.

So recently my Ds8 has been offered an xbox from my BIL. My Ds has never asked for one, he genuinely just loves to play with his toys or play outside with his football. He has never cared about having an xbox.my DH knows my feelings regarding xboxes and he said he could have one. In front of him. I said i'm really sorry but no. My DH shouted at me and told our Ds just blame your mother for being left out and never getting things, it's her fault.

I know people are like " you can limit it " give them a set time etc . But I know what will happen. I feel so strongly about this and no one agrees with me. I have to battle with my Dh about this..

His family have been brought up with computers. He is never off a screen, he sometimes has 4 on the go at the same time, and all the while my DC are trying to get his attention.

I'm just not ready for my Ds to have one yet. One of my friends son has just turned 7, his room is bare, apart from lego, he just sits on his tablet , 1 of 2, and doesn't play. I have just been told by my friends, his lego is about to be sold. This makes me feel so sad.😞

I guess i'm just so angry that my Dh's family seem to be pushing for my kids to " belong to the digital world", this is not the first time and I am being made to feel unreasonable.

You are right, i feel very hypocritical! When i listed what they do get it sounds a lot but its been twice a week on school maths games. Then at the weekend 1hr in a bbc bitsize game. Because i agree with people that they need the skills for the future. It's very little however, when they are at MIL and I am working, its a free for all. They play games on screens the whole time. Does this mean I should agree with screens? I'm still very against them, but I know they needed to do schoolwork and I let them play 1 game a week. This to me is a balance.I don't want to introduce an xbox to already happy fulfilled kids.

You and your DH sound like you are both battling for control in your relationship, in front of your dc rather than deciding together behind the scenes and presenting a United front to the dc.

Screens are a blessing and a curse. Your view sounds rather extreme on one side, your DH's on the other, would it not be possible to compromise?
The dc's childhood is a shared venture between you.

What about your husband's wishes? Does he not count?

You say you don't allow screens, but you do. You just allow the ones you deem acceptable and don't seem to want any discussion with your husband about what he thinks

I'm super strict on screen time, but you are being very hypocritical about this one

Your DH should not have undermined you in front of your DS, nor spoken to you in the way that he did. However, he is also an equal parent and has a right to an opinion. It sounds like you have unilaterally made a decision about the Xbox, and that you haven't consulted him on this. I think you need to talk about it and try to reach a compromise.

I totally agree with you OP. My brother was obsessed with the computer and Xbox and would get quite aggressive with his sisters if we wanted to watch tv or go on the computer because he didn’t want to stop playing. Obviously there was a lack of parenting at play too but the fact is that these games are addictive. If your kids aren’t currently desperate to have an Xbox to fit in with their friends it seems a shame to bring something into the house that will undoubtedly cause tension and arguments. It sounds like you would want to impose limits on how much they played and your husband would (aggressively) oppose you on this too so it could cause more problems in your marriage.

My kids have 0 screen time. They are fine. But DH and I agree on it together.

I think you are doing what works for you. You actually allow more screen time than I do. That's not a criticism because that works in your home.

Bringing an Xbox into the home changes the dynamics and will lead to many battles. I'd stick to your guns and when they are older you could try rethinking it, then as a family you can devise the boundaries and rules together in a joint negotiation.

How much of the week are they at your MIL's?

OP from your update I think that's fine, that's probably what my kids get. To be honest, I will avoid an xbox for as long as possible too, I detest gaming and my nephew and kids I know that spend a lot of time gaming all get behavioural issues when spending too much time on them.

At the moment they are never at my MIL but pre lockdown they would be there for 2hrs every 2nd Sat, so maybe 4hrs a month?.

As for my DH's wishes, we had previously talked about it, there was never any desire to get one until now. I think he said yes because he wanted it for himself, and never even thought about the kids.

Iv heard stories about kids throwing the controller at the TV in anger, sneaking to play it in the middle of the night, and on several occasions kids doing the toilet there and then because they can't come off the game to go to the toilet.

Thank you for the replies

Iv heard stories about kids throwing the controller at the TV in anger, sneaking to play it in the middle of the night, and on several occasions kids doing the toilet there and then because they can't come off the game to go to the toilet.

I think these are the extremes though - not all kids behave like this with a little exposure to screen time.

I'm a big believer in 'everything in moderation' - which tbf, sounds like what you are doing with them having access at their grandparents.

My boys are 10 and 8 and we bought them a playstation 4 last Christmas. They've barely touched it during lockdown! So not all kids get addicted. However, I never banned screen time whilst they were growing up - it was always available but they knew there were limits and I have always spoken to them about how too much screen time isn't good and why.

We went away with a family whose kids were banned from screens - the cottage we were staying in had an x-box - their kids were on it the whole time and would kick off when asked to come off. My kids would play on it but then get bored and go out to play football.

My eldest has had school zoom lessons and all the kids have been talking about fortnite - I asked my son if he wanted to get it as I felt he was being left out of conversations and this was how a lot of these kids were interacting during lockdown but he didn't want it - due to the fact we'd had conversations on how addictive fortnite could be previously.

They do play on the ipad and play minecraft quite a bit - I was quite impressed with the house the youngest built yesterday - we may have a budding architect in the house. So there's definitely scope to be creative on a screen.

So my point is, you can have screens in the house and have kids that still enjoy playing with toys/outside and actually, I'm really proud at how my kids moderate their own use. I always worry that banning things outright may make them rebel/resent you when older - I'd rather not make a big deal out of something and inadvertently make it more appealing.

Good luck whatever you decide.