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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DSC take over the flat with video games, give it to me straight AIBU?

33 replies

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 17:51

My DSC aged 10 and 11 are games mad which I know is perfectly reasonable for boys that age, but when they come round it's all they want to do and it dominates the flat. You can't get away from it because it's a fairly small place.

As soon as they arrive the PlayStation goes on the living room tv and the other one will be on their tablet playing games. Shouting at the tv/tablet. DH gives this the OK.

I have to keep their younger siblings away from the television because god forbid they touch the PlayStation / interfere with the game as then there will be a tantrum from the youngest of the two DSC.

They want me to watch everything they're doing on the games and as much as I think the world of the boys, I've grown tired of looking from screen to screen and feigning interest in the games. On days like today when the weather is miserable this goes on for 4-6 hours.

If i glance away, get up to do something or tend to one of my younger children all I get is "Look! Look!" even if I say sorry love I'm busy doing (whatever it is) right now. If I go to the bedroom to change the bedding or into the kitchen to make a drink one will follow me and demand I look at the game.

DH does nothing to discourage it or influence them to do something else because it doesn't bother him and he just let's them do as they please. They don't want to watch films or play board games. I bought ingredients to make our own pizzas on Friday and that went down like a lead balloon, they just wanted to stay on the games instead. I had hoped they'd discover they enjoy doing other things. Nope.

Whenever they're indoors they will do nothing else.

I will add that when we're outdoors with them they're a dream and there are no problems whatsoever. They're fantastic kids and I'm touched that they want to include me in their hobbies but it's driving me mad.

I've just gotten in from a walk to the corner shop to get them some drinks and the second I walked in I hear "ok so are you ready to come and watch again now"

I'm actually sat in the loo right now so I can get 10 minutes of peace from the bloody games. Blush

I understand that this is what they do at home, but I'm not thrilled about it happening here if it takes over the house like this. I don't feel able to address it with the kids as their DM would love a reason to moan about me, so it will need to be DH.

I also feel guilty for being annoyed because it's what makes them happy, but there needs to be boundaries I think?

AIBU to tell DH he has to address it and make changes for when they are round our place or do I keep quiet and just let them carry on..

Don't flame me, I'm not a wicked step mother and I think the world of those children - but I think anybody would be pulling their hair out with this right?

On a final note, I know it's a DH problem and I'll be addressing it. I just didn't want to be that type of step mum.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/07/2020 17:54

Well it is a husband problem.

Tell him to parent and take the console away or give them a set time. Or set it up in a bedroom.

No more living room. It's a shared space.

tinofbeans · 08/07/2020 17:55

I would tell them straight that although they like the games I don't and they need to respect that. (I've already told my own kids that) As an adult you need to be able to do your own thing and not be held 'hostage' to their gaming... They can play, that's fine, but they also need to be able to do so independently!

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 18:09

It's definitely a DH problem yes. His perception is clouded because he is a gamer himself, but he never plays during the day when I'm using the living room. I made sure that boundary was set long ago.

Unfortunately he doesn't set any boundaries for the kids when they come, they get to do as they like as he wants to be the 'cool' dad, though I understand this is what they do at home too so they don't know any different.

OP posts:
HappyMealWithLegs · 08/07/2020 18:13

You are definitely not unreasonable. It is plain selfish to take over the shared space and shared TV with video games. My stepkids tried to do this and I just won't allow it. You need to have their dad on board fully.

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 18:16

I'm relieved people don't think I'm being unreasonable!

Though I can see somebody does and I'm wondering why? Please feel free to tell me, I'm happy to hear opposite opinions..

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 08/07/2020 18:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

You and dh need to agree boundaries and ground rules. 9/10yos don't need you watching them, they need to grow up!

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/07/2020 18:19

"I'm a bit busy. Go show your father! He'd love to watch you play. " Each and every time!! Even gamers don't want to watch other gamers non stop. Make sure they interupt dh enough and it's affecting him instead of you. He might pull his parenting finger out.

Unfortunately, by pretending to be interested in the beginning (cos you're a lovely human being who didn't want to seems uninterested/rude) they now think you are actually interested. Bless em. Smile

And set up a tv with a time lock in their room. All games in their room only. You have other dc and your dh can't deprive them just to be cool dad. If that's not possible then ever child and adult gets equal time on tv etc. And if dsckick off direct them to their father, but don't allow him to undermine the time limit.

And he's not cool dad, he's lazy dad!

Darkestseasonofall · 08/07/2020 18:30

Flipping heck that sounds torturous.
Before they start playing say "you're big enough now to play alone, I don't want to watch as I've things to do. If you can't play it happily by yourself then I'll have to turn it off". Longer term though they need to be in their bedroom playing, for a finite time, and find ways to occupy themselves without screens.
You sound like a lovely step mum, but it does sound like your DH needs to step up and actively parent the kids a lot more.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2020 18:38

Unfortunately he doesn't set any boundaries for the kids when they come, they get to do as they like as he wants to be the 'cool' dad

He’s not going to change unless he has to. Is that likely? It sounds awful. Why don’t you get an equal say in what goes on in your own living room?

Are the younger siblings his? If not I’d be minded to live apart or break up. He doesn’t care how unhappy or stressed you are in your own home when his kids are there. That’s a fundamental lack of respect for you. He’s also expecting the other kids to work around your step kids instead of living as equal members of the household. Shit parenting.

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 18:41

I've just pulled DH aside and had a word.

He has turned the PlayStation off and said "we're going to turn this off now son so Jula can watch tv"

He thinks it's hard to keep them occupied on rainy days. They don't like board games and they've grown out of wanting to play with toys. I told him to get creative.

So I have my television back now, not that I can watch it as I still have the other one on his tablet talking me through his every move in game Grin

OP posts:
Shadeslayer · 08/07/2020 18:42

I would shoot myself if I had to watch video games someone else was playing. Sounds like a nightmare.

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 18:52

It really is Blush

Whenever I turn my head away from the tablet, instantaneously I get LOOK! LOOK!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 08/07/2020 18:53

^"They want me to watch everything they're doing on the games ...
If i glance away, get up to do something or tend to one of my younger children all I get is "Look! Look!" "^
Well that's an easy one. You tell them no. You tell them you find video games boring. You tell them to stop trying to boss you around.

"DH does nothing to discourage it or influence them to do something else because it doesn't bother him and he just let's them do as they please."
Time to make it bother him then. I think Thingsdogetbetter has it spot on:
" "I'm a bit busy. Go show your father! He'd love to watch you play. " Each and every time!! Even gamers don't want to watch other gamers non stop. Make sure they interupt dh enough and it's affecting him instead of you. He might pull his parenting finger out."

He is their parent. 'Parent' is a verb as well as a noun. It is well past time for him to do some actual parenting. I find your DSC's determination to involve you (the step-parent) rather than him (the parent) rather telling.

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 18:59

The youngest is more dad oriented but older one is glued to my hip bless him Grin

Don't get me wrong I absolutely love spending time with them both, I'm always down to have little adventures, mess about and do fun things. It's just these bloody games that are problematic.

OP posts:
Howyiz · 08/07/2020 19:03

Why don't you just direct them to their father? Look, look.... Eh no, I'm not much of a fan but your dad lives it. Every time.
What is your husband doing when all this is going on?

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 19:10

He's also watching, albeit more enthusiastically than I am.

He doesn't leave it to me he's very much here and involved in the watching it's just they want me to join in with watching aswell

OP posts:
Goldengirlllll · 08/07/2020 19:18

I actually think it’s really sweet they want to involve you.
Could you get a game to play together? I used to like mariokart and I hear the switch is quite fun (I sound like a grandma mine aren’t old enough for games yet)

Carravaggio · 08/07/2020 19:26

It’s an attention thing, my DSS does it too. He wants me to look at him playing with the kids, or doing anything! He’s always watching out of the corner of his eye to see if I’m looking or performs in the room that I am in. It’s exhausting as this has been going on 7 years now. But I tell myself he will be grown soon and not bothered with me anymore!!
You’re doing a great job

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 19:30

I think it's sweet too, that's mainly why I haven't raised it before now. I've endured alot of this since the schools closed Grin

I managed to draw them away from the remaining tablet for all of ten minutes to have pillow fight with the littler ones which was fun.

We have a blast whenever we go out anywhere, it's just dragging them away from the games indoors that's the problem.

From what I'm told they're allowed unlimited screen time at home so it's a deeply entrenched habit and not an easy one to break it seems.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/07/2020 19:35

You are a complete saint OP.
Flowers

Purpleartichoke · 08/07/2020 19:37

Our rule is that video games played on the tv have to be done on the 2nd tv that is in another room. Can you move the playstation so it isn’t in the middle of the main living space? Also, you don’t have to watch, no matter how much as they ask.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 08/07/2020 19:38

They shouldn't be playing for 4hours at a time. Your partner sounds like a terrible parent, very lazy.

we're going to turn this off now son so Jula can watch tv Way to make you the bad guy.

Jula332 · 08/07/2020 19:41

Thank you for the kind comments.

There is another tv they can play it in yes, in the bedroom. The PS4 lives in the front room as DH plays it once I go to bed but it can easily be moved and will be.

we're going to turn this off now son so Jula can watch tv. Way to make you the bad guy

Yes I thought that too!

OP posts:
Delbelleber · 08/07/2020 19:42

I tell my kids how it is... Mums not interested in your game!

Evelefteden · 08/07/2020 19:48

Be really honest with them. My kids take me being honest much better than when I make excuses -

When they shout you back to keep watching, tell them you’ve had enough for now as your a bit bored and want to do something else.

It’s really been a game changer for me Grin