To be annoyed with DH for wanting Xbox time?!

[laura081008]

DD is 4 and a half months old.
She’s currently going through a sleep regression and has decided she no longer wants to nap during the day.

She will nap if we go out for a walk but wakes as soon as the pram stops when when we’re home.
Or she will nap if she’s latched onto my boob suckling (not feeding) the second I put her down she wakes up.

She also won’t settle much with DH at the minute.

I find it quite hard during the day as I don’t feel as if I can do much around the house if DD won’t sleep.
As she’s awake most of the day I feel like I’m running out of ideas to entertain her.

DH is back at work (working from home) and as I breastfeed, he doesn’t help settle her over night so I’m feeling like I’m the one responsible for settling her at all times.

DH finishes work at 4pm and by that time I feel like I would benefit from just an hour to wind down before It’s time to start the bedtime routine and settle DD again.
However for the past few weeks I haven’t had the chance to have that.

This morning DH told me that after work today he wants a couple of hours on his Xbox as he feels like he doesn’t get any time to himself.
He said he’s tired with work.

I completely understand he’s working all day, but I can’t help but feel annoyed that he’s asking for this knowing I’d also like an hour but haven’t been able to grab one.

I feel like we’re both doing something wrong here as we’re both feeling in need of some “me time” but just don’t seem to be getting it.

DH finishes work at 4. He comes down and he usually wants an hour to check his phone, reply to texts or check news etc.

He then usually cooks for us as DD won’t settle with him so it’s easier if he cooks and I watch DD.

But the time we’ve eaten and I’ve done the pots it’s usually around 6.30-7 and at that time I like to bath DD and get her ready for bed.

She doesn’t go up without me yet and I’ve found that she’s settling less downstairs as she gets distracted by the TV.

I’ve found myself going up to bed now at 8.30/9pm to settle DD.

I feel guilty saying I want an hour each day and it’s making me feel like I’m a terrible mum, but I feel like 1 hour to “recharge” would do me the world of good.

Obviously DH is feeling the same.

Where are we going wrong? Are we just terrible parents?

Should I feel annoyed with DH for having Xbox time tonight?

The obvious slot is for your DH to take her up and bath and bed her most nights.

I would go with him tonight and you time tomorrow. But don't naked a rod for your own back, leave him to settle baby. If it bothers you go out or a walk so you don't hear the cries. But until he learns how to you will never get much" me time"

@GreyishDays but I like bath time.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t win as I want the time but I don’t want to be apart from DD 😕

Surely your DH has time to chill when you're settling DD in the evening? So it's only fair that at 4pm, he comes down and gives you an hour alone while he watches DD.

Let him deal with it, even if she cries. Make him go out or you go out. Say you want to get sanitary towels at the shop then walk the aisles at your local until you feel better. A friend gave me that advice, and the lonely shop is my favourite "me time". Not really for shopping, just browsing.

@pleasecaffeinateme sometimes she will settle downstairs and sleep in her Moses basket (she has a next to me upstairs)
When this happens we use the time to
watch tv together otherwise we would never see each other.

Can you take it in turns to do bedtime routine, or alternate days where 4pm till 5pm is "your" time to chill whilst the other has the baby. You do both need down time from work/baby and no one is unreasonable for wanting that. It is hard to work a good routine for everyone

Don't be a martyr, give yourself an hour. If you don't, you can't complain about DH wanting to have some downtime.

@Whaleandsnail6 he says 4-5 doesn’t work for him as he wants time to wind down from work. I guess as he’s at home and doesn’t have a commute he doesn’t have that time to switch off from work.

I feel like we’re both doing something wrong here as we’re both feeling in need of some “me time” but just don’t seem to be getting it.

Welcome to parenting. The parents need time to do adult things that relax them eg Xbox for your h.

You're not doing anything wrong by feeling this way - things are relentless and crazy for you atm and you shouldn't put any pressure on yourselves.

FWIW your h is getting me time (his 1 hour on the phone) He is not unreasonable to want Xbox time too but it's important that you get the same back.

If you are too tempted to do baby stuff if you stay at home, may I suggest that you go out? Have a coffee on your own or whatever floats your boat?

You are both being reasonable to want some time for yourselves. However, I was never able to get such time daily. So that may be too high an expectation. What we did is we each had one evening from after work to bed all to ourselves once a week and the other took the kids by themself. At 6mos, we would sometimes get a babysitter if we wanted the same week day evening to go out and do our seperate friends/hobbies or go out together for dinner or a film.

In addition, every weekend day, we give the other a 2hr block of free time each day. Like a relay race. I’d usually take my block in morning after breakfast and my DH liked his block after dinner but then back in time to join in on bath/bed time songs.

Breastfeeding doesn’t mean you have to always then settle her. I breast fed and my DH did as much of the settling as I did. You’ve made yourself a rut by always doing the settling. So personally, start having DH do it now and then. Even if you have to physically go for a walk to let them get used to each other without you feeling the need to check up or rush in at the first wail. The baby will get used to DH and after awhile will settle for him as easily as for you.
(I also pumped because we both worked FT, so an advantage is that DH would do some feeds as well)

Staying home with a baby is so much more exhausting than going to work! What if you both just muddle through the week and on his day off you set aside some time to have some you time while the other one watches baby?

Tell him a change is as good as a rest and he isn't the only person who is important.

He can do the decent things and make sure you get some quality down time as early a possible, giving you both more opportunity for quality time together... Or you take up a hobby 3 nights a week and he learns the hard way!

He is being selfish. Possibly because he is scared of not being capable. Either way him doing more will solve the problem.

@netflixismysidehustle I’m really nervous about going out right now.
Apart from daily walks I haven’t been anywhere since March.
But maybe I could just go for a drive.

DD won’t settle with H for long. She will scream and get really upset, and I usually have to come and calm her down.

[quote laura081008]@pleasecaffeinateme sometimes she will settle downstairs and sleep in her Moses basket (she has a next to me upstairs)
When this happens we use the time to
watch tv together otherwise we would never see each other.[/quote]
Ah I see. We did the same when DS was that young. I'm not really sure of the solution but you do both deserve to have time alone so try taking in turns to do bath time? I didn't ever want to miss out either but you need to think about yourself too.

Also, she will start having her naps again soon. Every sleep regression has felt like a lifetime to me but they do end :)

@pleasecaffeinateme it’s so hard, I do feel like there are days where I’d benefit from
an hour to myself but at her same time I actually don’t want to be away from DD!!!

DD won’t settle with H for long. She will scream and get really upset, and I usually have to come and calm her down

He'll never learn to settle her if you always jump in.

You need to just stop tbh. You can't moan about not having any free time when you won't leave them alone to have the free time!!

DD won’t settle with H for long. She will scream and get really upset, and I usually have to come and calm her down.

I mean this in nicest way, but you must go out if you cannot ignore her screaming. Even at 4 months, she knows if she screams, you will go in to her. She needs to learn that DH is just as nice to be around as you. I went through the same thing when mine were all 3mos old and started in child care. The first few times are tough, the baby hard to settle because they are used to you. But they do adapt. You just have to trust your DH and he needs to not be discouraged by the baby crying the first few times. The more you do it, the shorter the crying/upset time until around the fifth or sixth time, they barely notice you’ve left because it’s daddy fun time.

@Greysparkles I only step in because DH gets stressed and I don’t like the idea of him being stressed around the baby.

Or If I don’t step it DH will just being her to me anyway!!

I personally don’t think 1 hour is long enough. You barely have time to register that you’re free to be you before it’s time to get back. It’s not enough time to unwind. It’s barely time to take a shower and apply body lotion! Give yourselves at least a 2hr block each.

Right from the start I made bath and getting ready for bed Dp’s job. I was at home all day and doing all the night feeds, so I had plenty of time with my dd. Once she wasn’t breastfeeding at bedtime we then took it in turns to settle her to sleep as well, that way she always knew that Daddy was just as good as Mummy and then you get to have time to yourself.

Or she will nap if she’s latched onto my boob suckling (not feeding) the second I put her down she wakes up.

I had this issue with one of mine - transformed when he got a dummy. I know some people dont like them, but have you tried one?

When DS was that age he’d only nap on a pillow on my knee. I tried to fight it, tried to get him to nap in his cot or bouncer but he just wouldn’t. So I stopped fighting it.

I used to set myself up with a drink, some chocolate and the remote and then treat his nap time as my total chill out time. It was bliss. He’d sleep for two hours or so and I’d just sit and relax under him and watch whatever I liked.

This won’t help the situation with your DH but might give you some time to relax.

@MidnightCitrus I’ve tried a dummy, several
times, she’s just not interested.

I’ve even waited until she’s sleep, unlatched her and put the dummy in in place of my nipple, but she realises and won’t take it.

But he needs to learn not to stress - and not to take the easy way out by handing the baby to you every time. It's a vicious circle - if he doesn't learn then neither will she!

PP are right - you need to go out. Explain to him that there is no easy way round it but that he has to get on board with this, as the only way he's going to get his down time is if you can also get yours.