To be annoyed with DH for wanting Xbox time?!

[laura081008]

DD is 4 and a half months old.
She’s currently going through a sleep regression and has decided she no longer wants to nap during the day.

She will nap if we go out for a walk but wakes as soon as the pram stops when when we’re home.
Or she will nap if she’s latched onto my boob suckling (not feeding) the second I put her down she wakes up.

She also won’t settle much with DH at the minute.

I find it quite hard during the day as I don’t feel as if I can do much around the house if DD won’t sleep.
As she’s awake most of the day I feel like I’m running out of ideas to entertain her.

DH is back at work (working from home) and as I breastfeed, he doesn’t help settle her over night so I’m feeling like I’m the one responsible for settling her at all times.

DH finishes work at 4pm and by that time I feel like I would benefit from just an hour to wind down before It’s time to start the bedtime routine and settle DD again.
However for the past few weeks I haven’t had the chance to have that.

This morning DH told me that after work today he wants a couple of hours on his Xbox as he feels like he doesn’t get any time to himself.
He said he’s tired with work.

I completely understand he’s working all day, but I can’t help but feel annoyed that he’s asking for this knowing I’d also like an hour but haven’t been able to grab one.

I feel like we’re both doing something wrong here as we’re both feeling in need of some “me time” but just don’t seem to be getting it.

DH finishes work at 4. He comes down and he usually wants an hour to check his phone, reply to texts or check news etc.

He then usually cooks for us as DD won’t settle with him so it’s easier if he cooks and I watch DD.

But the time we’ve eaten and I’ve done the pots it’s usually around 6.30-7 and at that time I like to bath DD and get her ready for bed.

She doesn’t go up without me yet and I’ve found that she’s settling less downstairs as she gets distracted by the TV.

I’ve found myself going up to bed now at 8.30/9pm to settle DD.

I feel guilty saying I want an hour each day and it’s making me feel like I’m a terrible mum, but I feel like 1 hour to “recharge” would do me the world of good.

Obviously DH is feeling the same.

Where are we going wrong? Are we just terrible parents?

Should I feel annoyed with DH for having Xbox time tonight?

An hour to wind down from work - I bloody wish!!!!

I wfh and have since before we had DD. I finish work and then deal with the kid. Sometimes I multi task. Sometimes I do client calls with a sick kid on my lap. Today I did a department meeting whilst playing kerplunk. Your DH does not need an hour to unwind after work each day before he can pitch in. You should alternate that hour each day so you both get a few breaks each during the week. He is a parent now and he needs to adapt.

In the most gentle way, I dont think that you are looking for solutions but are here for a rant and thats okay too. My daughter prefered me and it took a while for my partner to settle, I ended up realising that I was burning myself out completely and decided that i needed some time off a week, i rememfber going into the park on my way for an hour and it was heaven, my daughter was breastfed and my partner struggled with settling her but guess what he did it. Get your partner to do every second bath. Rant away but try some of the solutions too, ps 4 months regression is horrible.

An hour to wind down from work is a bit of a luxury. But if he has an hour then you should get an hour. As pp have said you must step back and get him to take her. It won't get any better unless he practices. Could he take her out in the pram for a walk for an hour? She's more likely to at least be distracted then and you won't be able to hear her and feel you have to step in.

He needs to grow up. Xbox can wait until baby is settled and dinner stuff is tidied up. My husband is a gamer and he wouldn't dream of prioritising gaming "me time" over parenting or household stuff. He games when all 4 kids are asleep, including our 10 week old. Sorry. Wouldn't tolerate it.

Well, he can’t have an hour to unwind AND uninterrupted Xbox time if you get no time. It’s one or the other, surely?

There is a balance to be found in parenting, but that doesn't always mean everything equal all the time. At the moment your baby needs you a bit more than she needs her dad, but that doesn't mean that she needs you exclusively. Babies are little learning sponges, if you give them the chance they will get to grips with new situations. Your baby will learn to settle with dad if she is given the chance. And your dh will learn to settle her if he sticks with it and wants to try. But if you don't give them both a chance to try, then nothing will change.

If you get worried about DD and DH getting stressed with her, then you could start with half an hour and do something like go out (even if just to sit in the car and read a book) so that he has to deal with her then work up to an hour. He could have 4-5 and you could have 5-6 and what he chooses to do in his hour is up to him.

Or could he have her during his lunch break if that's a better time for her?

Although to be honest, when you have kids you HAVE to just jump in and not have a "relax time" from work. It's nice to have but not essential! An hour checking his phone AND 2 hours X box time when you get zero time and have to wake multiple times in the night - he's getting ALL the free time and you get zero. Totally unfair.

He needs to work out HIS way of settling her or entertaining her by focusing entirely on her.

Also agree with all this from @Home42
*An hour to wind down from work - I bloody wish!!!!

I wfh and have since before we had DD. I finish work and then deal with the kid. Sometimes I multi task. Sometimes I do client calls with a sick kid on my lap. Today I did a department meeting whilst playing kerplunk. Your DH does not need an hour to unwind after work each day before he can pitch in. You should alternate that hour each day so you both get a few breaks each during the week. He is a parent now and he needs to adapt.*

Buy a sling and when you go for walks get your partner to carry her in the sling
.I hurt my ankle,DH carried her and and she started settling with him,took a week or so.

What’s her sleep like overnight? I do all the night wakings with my baby too and when she was going through that four month sleep regression her father would have been a very unwise man to tell me he was tired or wanted more time to himself!

@Crosswithlifeatm

Buy a sling and when you go for walks get your partner to carry her in the sling .I hurt my ankle,DH carried her and and she started settling with him,took a week or so.

I have 3 slings. Dh Doesn’t come on many walks. He doesn’t like walks.

@upsidedownwavylegs

What’s her sleep like overnight? I do all the night wakings with my baby too and when she was going through that four month sleep regression her father would have been a very unwise man to tell me he was tired or wanted more time to himself!

@upsidedownwavylegs it’s different each night. Sometimes she will sleep 4 hours straight, other times she’s awake every half an hour.

Yeah, it was at about that age with our first when my spouse and I had to transfer from walking and boobs being the main/only ways to get DS to sleep. It may be better to get him on the same page about sorting that out before his game time priorities (and I agree prioritising his decompression time is annoying and needs to be balanced with your needs, but sleep has to be sorted).

It was not the most fun time, but we started with my spouse laying in bed with DS on his chest and yes DS got upset, but my spouse would keep comforting him until he was asleep enough to transfer over. Some nights it took a while, my spouse learned to keep a pile of books nearby, could be a great time for your DH and his smartphone and for you to unwind. Might make it harder to watch TV together for a bit though...

I think half an hour to unwind each after work is adequate. And gaming for 2 hours sounds like a teenager tbh. He could play his game once your DD is in bed and all the chores are done. He needs to grow up really.

This is just a practical tip for keeping your sanity with a super clingy baby: get some headphones, they you can watch tv in bed on your phone/tablet while baby sleeps next to you.
I also did the nap walks thing with dd1, until she was about 9 months when she started to nap in her cot. Again, headphones were my saviour because I could listen to music. Not so relevant now but I used to plan activities so that she could nap on the way and just walked everywhere instead of taking the bus.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Some people will make it look easy, but each child/parent comb is so unique there's no point in comparing. No advice re Dh though, I lose mine to the playstation all the time.

My ex used to work nights when DS was a baby. He would come home8; the morning Bring me a cuppa and take him downstairs for an hour. He also always did bathtime. As I was breastfeeding I did all the feeds and bedtime so that was their special time.

Suggest your DH does bathtime while you take a break.

I'd first resolve why you baby is waking so often and grizzling so long into the evening as a first priority. Babies this age can be guided into better patterns, but it usually starts with structured daytime naps and dare I say it, topping up their food a bit. If you're prepared to introduce an evening bottle to supplement your breast milk you might find that your baby is more settled in the evening and doesn't require so much of your time. In bed by 7, adult time for the remainder of the evening. What's not to like.