To not want to go on holidays with friend and her family

[Santa01]

So a friend of mine from college keeps mentioning every year about us going on holidays together, we are both mid thirties with young family. I don't know her dh very well and we usually have a polite chat when we meet up. They are very nice.

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to have joint holidays. I love relaxing on holidays and going with our own schedule, holidays with another family would feel very stressful to me, arranging days out and meeting up for dinners etc .

What do people think, to date I have just managed to avoid the subject and then this year covid has thrown everything up in the air..

Yanbu to not want to go but yabu to keep letting her think it's on the cards. I'd say something like "we have never actually done a group holiday, we like doing our own thing. Maybe when the kids are older and don't need supervision we will think differently." Then she can't take it personally.

I was nervous about grp hols until did it with good friends and it’s great, mainly because the kids get in so well and entertain each other. And the other adults share responsibilities too.
My advice would to be to start off small - a long weekend in the U.K. for example and see how you get on with options to do your own thing too.
We usually do a week with the friends and then add in a few days extra where it’s just us 4. We also have a day usually where each family goes off to do their own thing - you don’t have to be tied at the hip.
Ultimately tho, if you don’t have much money or time for hols and want to keep it as your own special family time then that’s up to you and just tell friend that. It’s not them it’s you...

I have a young family and I've been on a short few days UK break with my friend and his family, it was great. But I had also already been his housemate previously and get on with his wife. We have had plenty of day trips with both families before we did the trip.

But I think its really irrelevant what other people enjoy. Everyone has their own set of needs for down time and how much they feel is OK to compromise on etc. If you're not up for it that's fine. And I think if you force yourself when you don't want to it won't be enjoyable for either families.

Why not suggest a day trip with their family and yours instead? Especially since you've not spent much time with her partner that seems more like the next step.

No one is being unreasonable. It's not unreasonable of her to assume you might actually think this sounded like a great idea, given that you haven't said otherwise, and it's not unreasonable of you not to want to.

What is unreasonable is you being this passive about it and just hoping the idea will evaporate every year without you having to act. Just say you don't fancy it, for heaven's sake. And if this really seems impossible, say your children are at an awkward stage and you don't want to inflict them on other people at the moment.

It's a lovely compliment that they want to holiday with you but really, if it's not for you then it's not for you!
I'd probably struggle telling her so too and try to avoid talk of holidays.
Possibly, if you like their company you could meet for days out?

If you keep avoiding it she will keep asking. Just be honest. Thank you for thinking of us, we really prefer to holiday just as a family but once this madness is over lets get together for a catch up. Easy

We invited our friend last year ( after much hinting) our kids are in the same class. It totally changed the vibe of the holiday. I wouldn’t recommend doing it if you already have reservations

DPs adult daughter and partner keep asking if we want to go away for a fortnight with them next year, share accommodation and a hire car, we've told them no. Our holidays are for us, we want to be able to do what we want, go where we want, take the car whenever we want without having to run it by others

Just tell her dh has a preference for a naturist retreat and you are sure it's not her thing..

I would hate this too. I've been on holiday before with people I love who have driven me batshit crazy by the end. It's no one's fault, my husband and me have realised we just prefer holidaying by ourselves, anything longer than a weekend is a no go.

But I agree with other posters that you do need to tell her directly that it's not something you're up for. There's been some good suggestions on the thread already on how to do this nicely.

This is not something we would do as we love to do our own thing.

Some people love it and it totally works for them.

Goid friend of mine does this...

It works for them because.....

They all know each other very well.
Husbands really get on.
Children of a similar age.
Similar hopes for the holiday.
They divide up nights out so each couple gets a couple of nights out with their kids looked after.

The women got a night out.
The men got a night out.

The cooking waa easy and was shared out so everyone got nights off etc.
Women cooked some nights, men others, take out others.

They had all accommodation agreed before arriving.
They sorted out car rentals before they arrived.
They took the time to plan all of the above so that everyone knew where they stood.

Because the first holiday was a success they have done it multiple times to very exotic locations as pooling budgets for large properties was extremely cost effective.

I like to do my own thing on holiday too.

We have been on holiday with my Mum (and partner) and my sister (and family) a couple of times and it has been fine. Thats because we've all been free to do our own thing. So, all have separate rooms in hotel, my mum is an early bird so she sets up camp around the pool and we all hang out there. We go off as we please. Sometimes we meet up for dinner, other times it might be back at the hotel after dinner.

We are all in agreement that we do our own thing, so it has worked out well.

If you don't know someone well I would be very wary.
Is it just so they can sit on their arse and have their children entertained!!
Would they leave ye to it.

A two night weekend would be a tester.

With families having busy lives, time on our own is precious.

Maybe the past few months has given people their fill of it though.🤣

No don’t do it!

I went on a short break with a very dear friend and her children.

Nowadays I see my friend about once a year due to our locations. We send gifts for each other’s children but I don’t know her children personally other than what she says about them during phone calls.

We organise a break half way between our locations and it was not a good experience. I found her children petulant and lazy. They refused to do anything, eat certain places, complained continuously about being tired and having to walk. We all had to go back to our accommodation by 6pm every evening. Never again!

We always say “we don’t go on holiday with other people, we’re not very good at it”

We don’t get asked anymore

I'm with you OP. I like to just chill a bit with family and do what we want to do when we want to do it. Hate the idea of having to fit in with other people's schedules. Also I'm a natural introvert and find socialising quite draining, so it's the last thing I really want to do on holiday.

We have friends that have offered us this. I couldn’t think of anything worse. Their children are basically feral and they don’t communicate with them at all. An evening with them is long enough.

You're going to need to say something. I'd be very smiley and a bit jokey to take the sting out of it. "Great idea in theory but we're hellishly anti-social on holiday and love doing our own stuff, so it wouldn't work for us unfortunately!"

Gets the message across nicely without making a huge drama out of it.

Why can't you just be honest? You treasure holiday time with just your family and don't want to have a joint holiday with anyone.

Once, many years ago, I tried going on holidays with my boyfriend and another couple, with whom we were both good friends.

Their holiday was for 2 weeks, my BF only wanted to go for 1 - I originally booked for 2 as well but caved after a few days and changed my flight so I would return with him. I couldn't have coped for a second week with them.

Discovered that we were very good friends for short stints - like a half day spent together tops - but after that, nah. Different requirements in terms of eating times, food that was acceptable, bed times, tidiness - my god, it went on.

I've been away with other people on my own and it has never been such an issue - but I wouldn't go away with those particular friends again, ever.

Oops - missed off my "YANBU!" - but yes, say it's not your sort of thing, thank you - you don't "wear well" after a day or so!

My friend suggested this once and I just said a polite no.

I can't think of anything worse than holidaying with another family!

Every summer we have this scenario of being invited with friends on holidays.
To be honest it is an absolute no for us.

We like to relax on holiday, be silent, sleep, eat and relax when we want to, that is very hard when you are with others, if not impossible. We have a busy life, the only chance we have to relax and decompress, I don't think we could carry on without this time away as things stand.

We made an exception for my closest friend and went away with them. Never again. My bf and I have been friends for 30 plus years and know each other extremely well, but not to the point of the intricacies of their marriage. The arguements, the mess, the endless junk food, the late nights and drinking at lunchtime almost broke me. I am sure she thought we were too tidy/too organsied/too quiet/too healthy and too boring. People have very different ideas about what constitutes a holiday op!!!!

Rather than avoid the topic you would be better by being direct and honest. I think I have said in the past:

'thank you that is so kind but we are terrible company on holiday and sleep all day so will be going on our own' (make a joke of it, but be clear about the messaging)

'At the moment whilst the dc are so young there is no way you can go on holidays with friends until they are older/sleep better/easier'

'children are older and this year or next few years are likely to be your last as a family unit' Once they get older!

You will start to dread seeing her if you think she is going to mention going on holiday, so I would be straight and then she won't suggest it again

I really wouldnt have thought its my thing - but have done it a few times since DC ...and now have 2 groups of friends that regularly do something with.... the things that make it work...and have learnt ( sometimes through trauma :))...
its not our main holiday- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt but either way keeping it in perspective - doesnt work this time....worth a go maybe not with this group/these ages again

start small - a weekend is ideal
think about food/eating - and income levels - not everyone maybe able to eat out all the time.. other poeple go on holiday to not cook!

accept other people parent differently from me and nothing majorly disasterous in terms of routine/behaviur/ sleep/atititude will occur because of a break/holiday

we dont leave kids with each other - but we often split up during teh day to do other things then meet back at lunch/dinner
kids seem to prefer the simplest course of events...so strip back activities/trips and they just spend time playing together.... hours spent digging sandcastles etc are still enjoyed even with teens (in a fashion) the kids dont see each other much during the year as all at differnet schools etc but just klick into holiday mode..and chill out together with less pressure than with other social circles as they all have done this for years now...

it can be useful to have some event/local trip to do as back up if everything gets a bit stressed... but it is important to think collectvely a bit...

my main lesson is the less pressure on everyone to do stuff or be anywhere the better.... admitedly most of the time we are camping so 3 breakfasts and non stop tea/cake sorts most of the day out.... until its time for pimms/campfire/marsh mallows and star gazing..

it has taken years to get to this point though!- but has definitely enriched my travel...

It's a good thing - for you - that holidays probably aren't on the cards this year but she will mention it again in the future.

Be straightforward but nice. Tell her you don't like the idea of a group holiday, much prefer doing your own thing as and when you feel like it. She'll understand.