To not want to go on holidays with friend and her family

[Santa01]

So a friend of mine from college keeps mentioning every year about us going on holidays together, we are both mid thirties with young family. I don't know her dh very well and we usually have a polite chat when we meet up. They are very nice.

Am I being unreasonable in not wanting to have joint holidays. I love relaxing on holidays and going with our own schedule, holidays with another family would feel very stressful to me, arranging days out and meeting up for dinners etc .

What do people think, to date I have just managed to avoid the subject and then this year covid has thrown everything up in the air..

I've done group holidays in the past before DCs and I agree with what some pps have said.
While it's been nice it does change your holiday somewhat it's less relaxing because your constantly trying to please everyone else.
And yes sometimes they can and you can end up driving each other crazy on and off during the holiday with wanting to do different things like eating out sight seeing etc.

Now I have DCs it's defiantly something I wouldn't want to do again I like to do our own thing and have family time with DH and DCs.

We did this once with some good friends of ours when we both had young children. It was a mistake and neither party has wanted to repeat it, although we are good friends again now.

Straight after the holiday and for the next couple of years things were a lot cooler between us. We just holiday very differently. Going on holiday with other people does alter the whole dynamic.

Just say that you would rather not as you like to be really quiet on holiday with few or no expectations from others. Personally, I don't want the demands of others when I am on holiday. I just want to do my own thing without pressure.

I don’t think it’s at all insulting to just tell the truth: we only go on holiday with our own family / we don’t like group holidays / we like to go away to just relax and do our own thing / holidays are a chance for us to spend quality time together.

It’s not a big deal. Some people like to holiday with other families, it would be my idea of a nightmare.

Group holidays are not my thing either. I'd consider two holiday cottages on a small complex or two static caravans and make it clear before hand we wouldn't be going out together every day or eating every meal together.

Just be honest and say you don't like holidaying with other families. We've had some awful ones tbh but we've also had some great ones. We now have quite a strict criteria for saying yes

This only works if you are quite similar people and able to be very open and honest, which you are already not so it's a no go. We holiday with family and actually, what really works well is cruising, which is a no go now, as it's so flexible.

We've been burned in the past by people who didn't pay up, people who wanted a babysitter, people who wanted a different schedule/activities.

Just say politely, 'Thanks for thinking of us but we prefer to holiday on our own as a family.'

Don't do it! I know three families who did this. In each case it resulted in one of the marriages breaking up because one of the wives fancied the other's husband - and she got her ammunition from close observation during the holiday. Whenever it was suggested to us, I replied that our holiday time was precious, because it meant we could spend time together without work commitments
Jean Robinson (Mrs)

Just be firm, I find holidaying with my own family hard enough yet alone another family!

My ideal holiday is totally alone.

Depends on the type of holiday.
Hotel where you have your own rooms and bathrooms etc and where you can retreat to if it gets too much, and you can chose to spend as much time as you want together but still have flexibility to do your own thing.
Shared villa or similar much more tricky. You’re spending much more time together and there is much less opportunity to avoid them if you want a bit of time to yourself.

There’s also issues about who has which rooms, sharing bathrooms etc , and issues over food shopping and cooking. You would have to be up front about all these issues and also on the same page about lifestyle stuff (bed time’s, getting up, drinking etc) and parenting (if you have dc).

JER that happened to friends of mine ... DH went off with the other DW - two broken marriages and many unhappy children .

YABU and a coward for not telling your friend that you’re not keen on holidaying with her and her family, when it was first mentioned.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to do joint ventures but you’re effectively stringing her along every year when it crops up in conversation.

That would annoy me far more than just saying ‘sorry, it’s not for me’.

I'd say holidays are a VERY personal thing - what works for some, won't for others. For me, spending a 'main' holiday with other people would be my idea of utter hell! Days out & the odd weekend...great...bring it on. 2 weeks in the sun that cost me a lot of hard earned money...hell, no!! I LOVE our family holidays...100% free to relax, do our own thing, be completely comfortable in front of each other by the pool, etc. Wouldn't want to do that even with good friends or extended family, really. But that's just me.

I holiday with friends every so often, we go camping and we have a lovely time. Well I know me and DH do, I'm assuming they do because they're still happy to go with us.

If you're not massively opposed to the idea maybe do a weekend trip somewhere to see how it goes.

If she’s really keen, could you give a weekend away a whirl? Somewhere simple like a UK holiday park, camping / glamping or a caravan by the beach (or better yet for ease one where you have your own accommodations)
Easiest way to avoid possibly offending her and if it is awful you haven’t got to last long. Likewise it could become a nice tradition, but not your main holiday. Depending on budget obviously.
If it would be your only holiday of the year that’s ultimately a different discussion. A joint holiday could be split - “we’re off to X, would you like to join us for a few days in Y at the start of our trip before we head off?”

I'd say 'you really wouldn't want to come on holiday with us, we're a nightmare re organization etc'. makes it obvious you're not keen but blaming yourselves rather than any fault of theirs.

I've got a friend who is always suggesting this and I couldn't think of anything worse. We have a completely different value system and interests, we'd have fallen out by lunch time on the first day I just know🤦

Sounds awful to me, but I'd tactfully tell her that you're not interested, to save the awkwardness of having to repeatedly find excuses.

If you're not sure or want to let her down gently, I'd suggest a smaller day trip or afternoon out as a big group, to test the waters. Even if I thought it might be fun, I'd hate to risk my whole holiday without having an idea of the atmosphere when you're all together on an outing.

Why not suggest a girls weekend and get away just the two of you?

Meet in the middle

We have done it with a number of families and managed to stick with the correct spouse . With an only DC it's great for him to have company.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to go on a shared holiday but for goodness just tell her it's not your thing, or if you've been pussyfooting around for too long say you've discussed it with your DH and it's not his sort of thing.

This is an awkward situation I've been in myself. Friend I hadn't known long kept hinting to meet up with our families when we were having a family day out to the zoo, beach etc and asked to go on weekends away together. I just kept changing the subject whenever she mentioned it so she eventually stopped asking. But what I should have said is " thank you for asking but we like to do our own thing".
But it's awkward because some people are really into that sort of thing and don't get why you wouldn't want them there too.

We frequently holiday with friends. For us, the key lessons have been (1) planning, and (2) clarity of expectations. We never expect to be together all of the time. We never look after each other's children. We enjoy each other's company, but are not worried about doing stuff on our own. And we are all happy to be silent in each other's company, so it's not wearing making conversation all the time.

Thanks everyone for all your replies, and yes you are right I really just have to say to her that joint holidays are not for us, we usually have one big holiday a year and a few long weekends away, maybe I will suggest that if she brings it up again and say a week or two would just be too much... A week would definitely be too much even if we got on great

First world problems eh!!

We both work long hours and so Christmas and holidays are family time. Time to focus on us, do what we want to do as a family.
I've a relative who loves an entourage holiday. But also feels slighted if you don't love the exact same things about the holiday. If she hates boat trips, then you should as well for example. I've done two holidays with her - a sun one and a city break and never again.