To ask how to reduce contact with a friend

[Swiftier]

I’m looking for advice on how to reduce contact with a friend that I find quite stressful to be around, but don’t want to cut out completely.

-We’ve been friends for 15+ years as part of a group of friends from college. As a group, we will all get together and see each other every three months or so. Once a year we tend to have a weekend away.

-I see this female friend more often - she lives close to me and is often initiating meeting.
-I want to stay on good terms with her, but just not see her as much.

Essentially I find her quite self obsessed and inconsiderate. When we meet she pretty much talks at me for the whole time about her (often fairly minor) problems. She isn’t interested in me or even in general conversation about other things. She’s quite hyper and I can’t get a word in edgeways. The last couple of times I’ve met her I’ve found it really stressful and come away with a headache and just feeling trampled over . I don’t get much out of the friendship anymore. It’s also been going on for years - just to illustrate, my sister had a very serious condition in her 20s, at the same this ‘friend’ was planning her own wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. Every time we would meet the friend would talk at me/bark orders at me and did not ask about my sister once. Never.

She has also said some fairly inconsiderate or (being generous) ignorant things to me over the last few meetings.

I don’t want to cut her out completely because whilst very wrapped up in herself she’s not a terrible person, we have been friends for a long time, and we have a group of mutual friends.

I just want to drop down to seeing her with the group/3-4 times a year.

I’m not sure I can talk to her about it as she’s extremely non-confrontational and shuts down any conversations like this very quickly. I’ve tried to talk to her about it and haven’t been able to get her to listen or discuss things openly. Do I just try again? Any advice?

Or can I just slow down the friendship without being as direct, maybe be being less available/responding to messages and invites less and just trying to cool things off?

If anyone has ideas, or has been in a similar situation before I’d love your input.

Try being busy every time she suggests meeting up, gradually cool things down to the group meet ups a few times a year. If you do it slowly she hopefully will just adapt.
Doesn't always work if they persistent though

Thank you, good ideas. She is quite persistent and tends to say ‘when are you free next’ rather than suggest a date, but I could say I’m really busy over the next few weeks/I’ve got a lot going on and take it from there.

I'm not sure. I tried the low contact with an ex friend who is exactly what you describe she could talk none stop asking as she was the subject.
I tried low contact I found the constant moving pillars draining eventually I done the it is not you it's me to break up with her, she accepted it afterall she wasn't the issue.

When are you next free?

I'm really busy for the next few weeks so there isn't a good time at all at the moment. Let's leave things and we can catch up when I'm less busy.

Then when you do see her, keep the visit short - a meet up for a coffee.

@Emeraldshamrock thanks for your reply, I can understand it could be draining to try and keep low contact with someone who is persistent. How did you break things off in the end? Do you have any mutual friends with the ex-friend?

@Tappering thank you, that sort of reply sounds good. I could try that and then in a few weeks suggest a meet up with the group, which is a lot less draining and intense.

Just be "less available".

If she tries to pin you down with a "when are you free next?" be non-committal "hmm, not sure... I'll let you know..." and then, don't.

Likely you'll get some push back and she'll suddenly become even more needy, but just stick to your guns and she will get the message eventually.

If you need to, reduce what she sees on your social media (filters on fb are your friend). And just reduce your overall visibility. If she texts/messages you, don't reply for a couple of days, if at all.

I had a friend I wanted to do this with. She drinks an awful lot and would say some hurtful things when drunk and not remember in the morning. Amongst other things. I was fed up and not enjoying the friendship. I have just stopped messaging her or commenting on anything on social media etc. She hasn’t been in touch either so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well now with Covid 19 Social distancing you have a lot more excuses not to see her 😂

im5050 that’s when I took the plunge, just before lockdown 🙈😂

@zingally yes that sounds like a good plan, thank you. I like the idea of ‘reducing visibility’ and will try this.

@Idontbelieveit12 sorry to hear about your experience but glad you’ve managed to cut out that friend.

@im5050 early on, yes! But the last few weeks have been meeting to go for a walk etc. It’s difficult as she lives near me - if we were further away it would be easier to just say I don’t want to use public transport/travel too far etc. Actually the last few weeks have been worse than normal as I feel the expectation is most people are generally free at the weekends. I haven’t had many social plans for obvious reasons and so it’s difficult to say ‘I’m really busy’! Maybe I could pretend I’m self isolating with a temperature or something though

Tell her you have a lot on at the moment and you will text when you are free?

I tried this with a friend of 40 years. I'd actually grown to really dislike her and so reduced to very small doses until I couldn't bear those either so started to not respond or make vague excuses. She eventually confronted me so I was finally honest and told her I not longer saw our friendship in the light I used to, and the reasons why. She was upset and we're no longer in contact at all. It's a relief

@DrManhattan yes that sounds sensible. I’ll try that - I have a nagging fear she’ll not take the hint but I’ll give it a go.

@pinksalmon thank you for sharing your experience! It sounds like it was for the best to actually get the issues out in the open and stop seeing her - do you wish you’d been upfront sooner rather than tried low contact?!

"I'm not feeling very sociable at the moment"
"I don't have much energy for socialising at the weekend"

Is it worth having a go at fixing the friendship first? We might be usual bit when arranging a get together my friends might say "could do with getting your advice about this thing with my parents" or "looking forward to seeing you, need to have a rant about work". Not everytime obviously. But if you do put it out there, see what her reply is and then if you meet her she still doesn't let you get a word in and means... at least you tried.
I say this, I'm actually terrible for ghosting friends because I can't face confrontation and I don't think they will change... I shouldn't because I know from experience how much it hurts. But I am guilty of it.

*unusual but, sorry for typos

@Scout2016 thanks, I could perhaps try that after not seeing her for a few weeks to give me some headspace and see how it goes. I guess my reluctance with that suggestion is that I feel it might be a bit tiring to always try and steer the conversation/plan ahead? It doesn’t feel very natural. And I don’t always have something very specific to talk about - with most of my friends it’s just nice to have a chat about life and all sorts - the news, general stuff etc. But you’re right it might be worth trying it to see if I can improve the friendship.

Its really tough sometimes but you have got to value your own time. Friendships can change over time. Don't feel bad, it just happens xxx

It's an interesting situation because there is no protocol for cooling off with a friend.

I had similar a couple of years ago but the difference was my friend was perfectly nice and kind but I just felt too smothered by her. I had know her for a few years as part of a wider social group and that was fine but over a period of a couple of years it felt like I was her new best friend and it was overwhelming, like she was searching for something from me that I didn't have to give.

I tried distancing a bit but I'm not very good at waiting for things to take their course and I'm more direct about stuff. I was going through a particularly shitty period in my life but needed my own space. In the end I used those exact words - 'I feel smothered by you' not that 'she was smothering me' because it was my bad iykwim.

To her eternal credit she took it brilliantly and backed right off. As hard as it was for me to say, it must've been so much harder to hear. We still see each other as part of our wider group of friends which is fine and our relationship is diluted as I don't feel I'm the sole focus of her attention.

However on a cautionary note, as much as it was a relief at the time, I still feel a bit guilty and bad for having to say it so directly and if I had to do it again I'd try to be a bit more patient with the gradual distancing.

@DrManhattan thanks, you’re completely right.

@CuriousPixie thank you for your thoughts, that sounds like a difficult situation but at least you’ve been able to preserve some friendship even if it’s not on a 1:1 basis but as part of a group. I can completely what you’re saying about giving the distancing a go first.

I think best to try distancing and some of the other things you’ve all suggested and see how it goes first, then if it doesn’t work I can think about being more direct.

My friend makes her kids the excuse. I just realised unless I make contact.. anyway just letting go now. I noticed no concrete plans to meet either 20 year friendship

@Mary46 sorry to hear that, hope you’re ok!

Dont be surprised if you find out others of the group are doing the same. The self obsessed talking will annoy everyone. I ditched a friendship for similar reasons, found out so did a few mutual friends.

Yes @Swiftier I do. It was stressful avoiding her and painful for her. Notwithstanding I wanted to withdraw I didn't want to hurt her