To ask how to reduce contact with a friend

[Swiftier]

I’m looking for advice on how to reduce contact with a friend that I find quite stressful to be around, but don’t want to cut out completely.

-We’ve been friends for 15+ years as part of a group of friends from college. As a group, we will all get together and see each other every three months or so. Once a year we tend to have a weekend away.

-I see this female friend more often - she lives close to me and is often initiating meeting.
-I want to stay on good terms with her, but just not see her as much.

Essentially I find her quite self obsessed and inconsiderate. When we meet she pretty much talks at me for the whole time about her (often fairly minor) problems. She isn’t interested in me or even in general conversation about other things. She’s quite hyper and I can’t get a word in edgeways. The last couple of times I’ve met her I’ve found it really stressful and come away with a headache and just feeling trampled over . I don’t get much out of the friendship anymore. It’s also been going on for years - just to illustrate, my sister had a very serious condition in her 20s, at the same this ‘friend’ was planning her own wedding, where I was a bridesmaid. Every time we would meet the friend would talk at me/bark orders at me and did not ask about my sister once. Never.

She has also said some fairly inconsiderate or (being generous) ignorant things to me over the last few meetings.

I don’t want to cut her out completely because whilst very wrapped up in herself she’s not a terrible person, we have been friends for a long time, and we have a group of mutual friends.

I just want to drop down to seeing her with the group/3-4 times a year.

I’m not sure I can talk to her about it as she’s extremely non-confrontational and shuts down any conversations like this very quickly. I’ve tried to talk to her about it and haven’t been able to get her to listen or discuss things openly. Do I just try again? Any advice?

Or can I just slow down the friendship without being as direct, maybe be being less available/responding to messages and invites less and just trying to cool things off?

If anyone has ideas, or has been in a similar situation before I’d love your input.

Thanks swiftier you just get tired doing all the chasing. Just had enough. Its just odd text now birthday xmas etc keep it friendly. I think I like my own company some days

Suggest you'd like to go on 'long, silent, mindful walks' with her as that's your new thing.

Then see how fast she backs off.

@Duvetdoggy that’s a point, I wonder what others think of her. I’m not sure anyone else really sees her 1 on 1 to be honest, it’s mostly me that meets up with her the most so it’s possible they don’t notice/they do but it doesn’t bother them as they see her infrequently.

@Liveandforget I will try that! I actually do enjoy long walks, and with lots of my friends we can have a long relaxing walk and a chit chat, and enjoy our surroundings, with her i feel like I’m just being shouted at the whole time!

@pinksalmon and @Mary46 thanks for your replies and hope you’re both ok!

If she shuts down conversations and doesn't listen, could you send her a kind email (but telling the truth of the problem) to her? She may be upset with you at first, but it could be a needed wake-up call to her to be more empathetic and aware of the essential give and take of friendships.