Is DH putting me down or am I being oversensitive?

[Salooki]

We’ve been together 6 years. He’s generally quite miserable and we do bicker a lot. We have DC and I have older DC from previous marriage.

I feel on edge a lot, I feel he can’t help but put me down daily with little digs. I don’t do it to him.

Example yesterday evening us and DC were chatting over dinner. I asked if he wanted blah blah in his packed lunch for work tomorrow. He said he didn’t as he’d found somewhere to eat he hadn’t wanted to try before as my snobbery had rubbed off on him. I said I wasn’t a snob and he said actually I was and just ask the DC (who just looked blank and confused.) he later apologised when I said it was an unnecessary put down and not true.

This morning I said our 3 year old really liked a torch he uses for work as 3 year old had been talking about it. He have me a filthy look and I said ‘what? I haven’t let him touch with it, what are you trying to say?’. He said something along the lines of no comment and rolled his eyes. I have never let any of the children touch his work things.

Aibu and overreacting?

He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on.

It’s hard to fully gage without being in the situation but it definitely sounds like your DH is quite negative and automatically jumps into the mode when responding to you. Have you tried talking to him about how it makes you feel?

I feel on edge a lot,

He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on.

This is not how your partner in life is supposed to make you feel.

Why do you put up with this? What does he bring to the relationship? You don't have to stay with someone who treats you like this.

He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on

That is an awful relationship. How do your older children feel about him?

I'm sorry OP, this is not how it feels to be in a loving relationship.

Your poor children.

What happens if you don’t react?

Eg “great a morning without packed lunch for you”
“Don’t worry I wouldn’t let him touch your torch”

And just forget it?

Would he escalate or fizzle out?

It sounds like you are going through a period of poor communication.

You think he's being a dick, he probably thinks you're being a dick and so you're both on edge.

Your response about the torch was confrontational, try diffusing with humour or the type of responses suggested above by Itisbetter.

I can’t say with any certainty that you are being too sensitive or that he is being rude and mean. The snobbery comment could have just been a bit of leg pulling teasing while giving you credit for him trying new things. The torch thing has me mystified as you reacted to a facial expression which is highly unreliable.

But, it doesn’t matter whether you are a sensitive person or he is putting you down versus pulling your leg, what matters is the fact that being around him makes you feel worthless and so negative. No one should suffer through a relationship that has them feeling so bad all the time. I think you two are definitely incompatible personalities to be honest.

He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on.

You said that "he" makes you feel like that, so I'm going to assume that he stands out as someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If my assumption is right then he is more than likely the problem here. No one and certainly not your life partner should be making you feel like this.

I'm also going to assume that the example you give are just the latest and are the tip of the iceberg.

The words you use sound like the ones an abused woman would use.

Pulling your leg is another way of saying "banter". A red flag and one that I've seen picked up by Cafcass as an indicator of abuse.

I don't agree that facial expressions are unreliable. Abused people pick up on those very quickly after a while. The angry micro expression, the sneer or the smirk of an abusive narcissist are all well know to some women.

He sounds like a knob

Thanks for all the comments 💐

I’ve never felt like this in previous relationships or my previous marriage yet his ex wife did feel this way and his mum found him very difficult to live with too. This is how I know it’s not all me being oversensitive.

It is the tip of the iceberg and it would be long and boring to go into. We basically bicker and fall out once a week and I find it very stressful. We don’t argue in front of the children but they must sense an atmosphere.

So what do you plan to do?

I don’t know. I have five DC, Youngest is 18 months, school runs in different directions, I’m a sahm With a large old house to maintain on my own. I’d be in real trouble from a practical and financial perspective. We are happy more than we aren’t, probably happy 70% of the time. I don’t know what I’ll do.

I think if this was a one off it could be put down to just normal bickering. Let's face tomes are stressful now. But this sounds like all the time. Perhaps you're morevaware because it happens a lot and he's annoying you. But it sounds like he's bringing you down most likely with some kind of intent. Maybe the relationship has run its course?

Do other people make you feel the same as your dh? Or is it just him?

When we used to visit our daughter it looked like just bickered a lot. That was just what we saw and turned out he was abusive.

Do you really think it's bickering or is that you down playing it or what he calls it? Does he feel put down and miserable too or is it just you?

Some relationships do involve more bickering that others, but it has gone way too far if one person feels the way you do op. Abusive people will make you think is 50/50 or all your fault. It rarely is.

Also has he always been like this? Have you'd had discussions about this and your relationship? Like outside of when you've just been bickering

Thanks. He used to be a lot worse but has got better over time. He’s worked on himself a lot and we were in counselling before lockdown happened.

I just find the relationship such hard work emotionally, but I know I’d probably be a lot more stressed and miserable without him while the DC are so young.

Is his ex wife your friend? How do you know about how they related?

No we aren’t friends, they really don’t get on. Things he’s said over the years about their relationship, messages she’s sent That he’s ranted about and things she’s repeatedly accused him of.

I see. At least you know he is pretty consistent and the common denominator then! Not much comfort I know but it gives you a stronger sense of what is going on. Can your counselling go online now?

So yesterday I called him to say I wanted him to stop criticising me. He said he’s sorry I feel that way and not to bother doing dinner as he’ll be working late. He never works late.

He came home and was polite but off, probably tired. DD and I put on a series he’d wanted us all to start watching. He just stared at his phone throughout.

This morning he woke up early and spent 45 minutes in the shower. I’d made DC breakfast, toddler wanted buttered bread, fine. DP says so I can overhear, ah poor you, that breakfast looks awful, shall I put some jam on it for you?

I asked if he wanted me to make him lunch. No thank you. Then left for work. Being really off but polite enough that if I question it he can say I’m imagining it.