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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH putting me down or am I being oversensitive?

47 replies

Salooki · 08/07/2020 11:07

We’ve been together 6 years. He’s generally quite miserable and we do bicker a lot. We have DC and I have older DC from previous marriage.

I feel on edge a lot, I feel he can’t help but put me down daily with little digs. I don’t do it to him.

Example yesterday evening us and DC were chatting over dinner. I asked if he wanted blah blah in his packed lunch for work tomorrow. He said he didn’t as he’d found somewhere to eat he hadn’t wanted to try before as my snobbery had rubbed off on him. I said I wasn’t a snob and he said actually I was and just ask the DC (who just looked blank and confused.) he later apologised when I said it was an unnecessary put down and not true.

This morning I said our 3 year old really liked a torch he uses for work as 3 year old had been talking about it. He have me a filthy look and I said ‘what? I haven’t let him touch with it, what are you trying to say?’. He said something along the lines of no comment and rolled his eyes. I have never let any of the children touch his work things.

Aibu and overreacting?

He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on.

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 09/07/2020 09:40

So carry on. Ignore the jam nonsense. Be really busy and happy with the other parts of your life and DO NOT engage with his rather silly attempts to upset you. You don’t have to engage with this nonsense at all. Be Teflon to any mud slung your way and fill your days with happy busy times.

He married you/chose you BEFORE all this nonsense. Be that woman, because that’s you without all this crushingly tedious poking. If when you are you still like him, allow him to be your friend.

billy1966 · 09/07/2020 09:46

So he is a nasty piece of work and he's punishing you because you have asked him to stop.

This is who he is OP.

Not a nice man.

There are no easy answers, but your life with him sounds absolutely miserable.

Wishing you strength

knittingaddict · 09/07/2020 11:43

Itisbetter, op shouldn't stay or be friends with a nasty man who undermines her confidence and puts her down to their children.

Itisbetter · 09/07/2020 13:25

Rather depends if he changes his behaviour or if she wants to @knittingaddict surely. OP should do what allows HER to be happy and to be who she wants to be. REAL people in REAL life aren’t always kind nice or brilliant. Relationships are not static and most people would recognise that five children in 2020 isn’t anywhere near easy.

Original poster

Salooki · 09/07/2020 19:12

Thanks guys, the posts this morning really helped 💐.

So today I’ve been Teflon, took all the kids out walking in the countryside and had a good day.

He came home with a miserable face and told me he had something for me. It was a little bakery cake, he said he’d bought two and one was for me. I joked that he’d probably bought them both for himself but hadn’t eaten one and decided to give it to me. I made sure he knew I was joking and smiled and laughed. He said I was ungrateful and stormed off.

Now we’re barely speaking.

OP posts:

Itisbetter · 09/07/2020 19:56

Try not to make jokes where the joke is the other person is horrid/stupid/greedy. I suspect all this has become so normal to you both that it’s going to take a bit of work to not reflect back the kind of belittling that has become everyday. Keep going. You had a good day and even if he did buy two for himself he wanted you to feel he’d got it for you. Not exactly prince charming but not too crap.
Keep going, make a happy week and feel successful. Take lots of happy pics of you and the children to look at when things are harder. I think you’ll know what. You want fairly soon. Try to do it from a strong happy place.

Throckmorton · 09/07/2020 19:58

I really feel for you OP, but I feel worse for your kids - that is a horrid atmosphere for them to grow up in.

knittingaddict · 09/07/2020 22:07

What are you talking about Itisbetter. Thinking happy thoughts is really, really not going to help the op right now.

Babyboomtastic · 09/07/2020 22:42

Oh dear. Sadly a terrible time to make a joke given that it was pretty much doing what you didn't want him to do to you (ie banter) and he was clearly trying to do something nice.

I think there is a big communication issue between the two of you. I wouldn't want to say where fault lies as I suspect it's bickering from both of you. Perhaps more counseling post Covid?

Itisbetter · 10/07/2020 08:44

@knittingaddict I love your firm belief in your expertise in this situation. I don’t know OP or her husband, perhaps you do? Or perhaps you have lived through tougher times and have your own wisdom to share? Whichever/whatever my advice to OP is the same and what I would do in her situation. I’m sure it would be more helpful to give your alternative advice?

Morning OP, I hope you have sun today and can find some peace.

Daisydoesnt · 10/07/2020 09:03

I joked that he’d probably bought them both for himself but hadn’t eaten one and decided to give it to me. I made sure he knew I was joking and smiled and laughed. He said I was ungrateful and stormed off.

OP your examples of horrible things your DH does/says don’t make for pleasant reading, and I can understand why you are feeling really miserable. But unfortunately he’s tried to do something nice and you’ve thrown it back in his face. Don’t you see that your “joke” about the cake really isn’t any kinder than his “joke” about being a snob???

What if he’s actually bought you the cake to please you, and then you’d made that snarky comment??

As pp have said it seems like you have both got into a pattern of being unkind and thoughtless in what you say to each other.

It’s all very well telling him that he must stop criticising you, but you must BOTH agree to start behaving better and more kindly to each other.

In my experience if one of you could have just said - ‘hang on, that was a really mean thing to say: or, ‘you might think that’s funny but actually I find that quite hurtful - then it gives the other one a chance to apologise and you can both get out of those bad habits. But storming off or it descending into a row isn’t going to do it.

EatsShootsAndRuns · 10/07/2020 09:05

told me he had something for me. It was a little bakery cake, he said he’d bought two and one was for me. I joked that he’d probably bought them both for himself but hadn’t eaten one and decided to give it to me. I made sure he knew I was joking and smiled and laughed. He said I was ungrateful and stormed off

Oh dear. Olive branch firmly snapped in two. It does seem that your relationship isn't yet back in the place of joking because it's being misconstrued.

Fedup21 · 10/07/2020 09:10

You sound as bad as each other.

Lonoxo · 10/07/2020 09:17

I think ‘thank you’ is an underrated word in a marriage and if we said it more often, things might be better.

differentnameforthis · 10/07/2020 09:21

No. Put downs are abusive behaviour.

And now he is also ignoring you.

Being really off but polite enough that if I question it he can say I’m imagining it. - does he gaslight you often? I'm sensing a theme.

@Itisbetter - REAL people in REAL life aren’t always kind nice or brilliant

True, but REAL people in REAL life are also not consistently abusive. I am sure you can work out that this is not likely to be a one off incident for op, otherwise she wouldn't be posting for advice.

Read op's last paragraph again He makes me feel lazy, rude, incapable. naive, flirty, grumpy, angry, irrational with his comments, the list goes on.

My emphasis, but his comments - plural - make op feel horrible. That isn't a sign of someone simply not always kind nice or brilliant it's the sign of an abusive person.

BertiesLanding · 10/07/2020 09:24

Just stop. Both of you. End this now. It is not going to get better.

differentnameforthis · 10/07/2020 09:29

yeah, you see.... people see his cake as an olive branch, I see it as the apology part of the cycle of abuse. In no time there will be a new comment, or a new incident.

Op didn't respond in the best way, granted but that is what happens when someone's comments make you feel like crap, you want to hit back at them, and often try to wound them the way they do you.

I live this everyday at the moment, and am on the brink of leaving but this is what I used to do...hurt him the way he did/does me. Unfortunately, he got to me more than I ever could him (he had more ammo - my broken home, useless parents etc), and now I just grey rock him.

Itisbetter · 10/07/2020 09:41

@differentnameforthis I think getting into a back and forth about what I would do rather than suggest what you would do rather defeats the point of posting for a range of opinion on a chat board. Other people “making you feel things” is usually a sign (IMO though by al means do have your own take on things) that you need to take control of your own experience. My suggestion is that OP takes some time to find herself again, to find activities and things that bring her happiness, regroups and then sees how she feels about her partner. It’s what I would do and I think how adults behave when their life is not acceptable to them.

thepeopleversuswork · 10/07/2020 10:34

The way you’re describing this I would say it’s irrelevant whether he is putting you down deliberately or you are being over sensitive.

The output is he makes you feel shit about yourself. On that basis alone I would say it’s not working and you are better off out of it.

Why bother with something that makes you feel awful. Particularly if you have already tried counselling.

Wing1ngit · 10/07/2020 10:59

From the little info on here, I would say you're both at fault. You've got into a bad pattern of putting eachother down/having digs disguised as banter. He probably feels just the same as you do. I don't know what the answer is for you but it wont hurt to be kinder to eachother.

YgritteSnow · 10/07/2020 11:01

You sound as bad as each other.

They absolutely don't.

MamaFirst · 10/07/2020 11:27

The 70% of the time you say you're happy... Is that after addressing and resolving the arguments, or just moving on from them? Is he generally affectionate and loving to you? Your relationship doesn't sound like it's based on mutual respect and kindness, he sounds inherently spikey, mean and critical by nature? Does he compliment you? Praise you? Thank you?

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