Excluded

[kittie01]

This probably sounds really silly but I’m feeling a bit shit at the minute. I met three girls through college and we were a great support to each other throughout college. We set up a WhatsApp group to keep in touch etc and have arranged to meet up several times and all was well. One of the girls put in the group about meeting up for a cuppa during the week but directed the text at two of the girls but not me, she then text in the group a day later asking am I going. I feel a bit stupid because I feel why are you asking me now when you didn’t ask me when you specifically aimed the invite to the other two girls. I’d like to ask her why exclude me to start with the try include me now? I’m aware there’s bigger problems out there but right now this has me feeling really hurt. I thought we were all friends and we always do things together as a group. I’d understand if it was a hobbie they do that I don’t but meeting for a cuppa is something we’ve done lots before.

You sound over reliant on these 3 friends.

In a group of friends, there’s often one person that tags along but doesn't contribute much to the dynamic and I’m wondering if you’ve settled into that role?

I tend to be the organiser in my friendship groups but there’s a couple of people who I like but if I’m not feeling on top, I find their company a bit draining so will avoid them if I’m really not up to carrying the session.

Always best not to let things like this fester and become something bigger than they are.

I agree with this. It’s a shame to spoil a friendship over what could well be an unintentional error. Think of it the other way: if you’d inadvertently done the same, would you rather someone stewed on it or just mentioned it so that you could apologise and rectify the error?

I'd assume it was a mistake personally and just respond yes, sorry I forgot to reply yesterday (or whenever the invite came through). If she wasn't including you she wouldn't have messaged on the whole group app. It takes seconds to set up another one. I think it sounds passive aggressive to say 'I didn't realise I was invited as you only mentioned x and x'. If you are all good friends then cut her some slack, just say that would be lovely and go and meet your friends.

If this has never happened before I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it was an oversight.

There’s enough rejection out there in the world with looking for it from previously safe friends.

If it happens again you’ll know.

Not sure whether being forgotten is any better than being deliberately excluded.

They both sting.

Assume it’s a mistake then if she carries on playing mind games back off from the friendship

Have you never omitted someone's name in a message? Or left someone off an email cc. list? Without meaning to?

Unless you have reason to believe there is some vibe, I would assume she's made an honest mistake. Don't make it out to be more than that or you'll be the CF friend.

Are you perhaps not as active in the group, so she thought you might not be as interested as the other two.
I 'm a bit reserved and sometimes you have to show willing and put yourself out there, or people think you not that bothered.
Even 'super confident' organisers need to feel like you're not going to knock them back when they ask.

Maybe she texted the next day to ask if you were going as she had meant to include you and was wondering why you hadn't replied.

I really don't think she publicly messaged intending to leave you out. There are lots of explanations; (eg. herself and the other two could have half made plans when they realised they might be in the location at the same time for other reasons) and she was checking if going ahead and if so checked if you were coming too.

Maybe I'm naive but I don't expect people to be that bitchy.

I’m honestly not a needy friend at all and have a few different groups of friends and sometimes we all meet and sometimes we don’t and it’s grand. I’m active in the group and arrange nights in my house and out and About too. Just thinking back and recently we disagree on things in relation to covid but apart from that we get on great and get each other if that makes sense. As it’s a group of just us 4 and we never address each other by name when we’re organising things I thought it was odd. I’ll head over to them and see what the vibe is like. Thanks for reply’s I really appreciate them