Excluded

[kittie01]

This probably sounds really silly but I’m feeling a bit shit at the minute. I met three girls through college and we were a great support to each other throughout college. We set up a WhatsApp group to keep in touch etc and have arranged to meet up several times and all was well. One of the girls put in the group about meeting up for a cuppa during the week but directed the text at two of the girls but not me, she then text in the group a day later asking am I going. I feel a bit stupid because I feel why are you asking me now when you didn’t ask me when you specifically aimed the invite to the other two girls. I’d like to ask her why exclude me to start with the try include me now? I’m aware there’s bigger problems out there but right now this has me feeling really hurt. I thought we were all friends and we always do things together as a group. I’d understand if it was a hobbie they do that I don’t but meeting for a cuppa is something we’ve done lots before.

Why don’t you write back “sorry but wasn’t clear if I was actually invited? I’m a bit confused because you only wrote the message to Mary and Jane? I’ll leave it this time thanks because it’s too late notice and I’ve now got other plans. Next time could you please actually write my name if I am included on the invite to avoid this kind of confusion. Cheers! Have a great time”
Just call it out. Life’s too short to put up with bitchy friends.

The happiest women I know are the ones who call out bullshitters and bitches when they rear their ugly heads. Yeah you might lose friends but it means everyone knows your boundaries and that you aren’t a pushover and the friends that stick by you never take the piss because they KNOW you are happy to drop them if they pull any bitchy crap.

@kittie01

I don’t want to play games or get revenge or do the same back to her coz at the end of the day you don’t know what’s going on with people. Just think it’s a bit unkind and I felt shit. Think I’ll go with sorry I didn't realise I was invited as you only mentioned x and x?! But no thanks I can't make it."

Why are you trying to make her feel bad if you don’t want revenge. She is your friend. Hey do you think she isn’t ?

Do you live a lot further away than the other two? Maybe out of what they'd think of as popping round for tea distance?
Are you working and they are furloughed?

I think that lockdown is screwing with all our heads so I totally understand how this has effected you. I like the suggestions of just sending a light message saying "oh was I invited but yes!" If there are any bad vibes you will pick up on them irl.

It could be she just missed your name out by mistake, I’ve done it before, just glad my Friends are more reasonable and joked back hey what about me and I commented I hadn’t even noticed I hadn’t mentioned her name, I think my fingers type faster than my brain thinks at times.

Why would friends post on a group chat and deliberately miss someone out?

Why would friends post on a group chat and deliberately miss someone out?

^^exactly this 😂😂

Maybe she knows the other two are available at that time but not sure you are?

It could be the exact opposite, that posting on the group app, it was obvious that you were not excluded but was waiting for you to confirm you are indeed available on that day to join them.

Oh for goodness' sake, just go! You'll totally mess up the friendship by being so petty. It was clearly an error. If she intended leaving you out she'd have messaged them away from the chat.

Just say that you'd been a bit confused because she'd only mentioned them in the invite, but that of course you'd love to go.
Then forget about it and have a good time.

Ignore the petty people on here who'd rather think the worst of people and lose friends than think through things logically.

Personally I'd respond with Beautiful's reply because it makes it clear you are puzzled by her wording which is fair enough, but I would actually go (if you can). I'd give her the benefit of the doubt seeing as you are good friends, and then see how things are.

It's possible that she was being a tiny bit snide in addressing the invite only to the others on WhatsApp as she did, but then had a change of heart. Perhaps something very minor has wound her up and she had an unwarranted wobble about it.

Was the direct separate invite worded nicely?

I like the jokey "am I Billy no mates now" response from several posts ago.

Do you respond more regularly than the others, by mentioning their names would they get a notification and check the group?

Life is too short to complicate things. If you don't go they may think that you are the one who is being off.
Just reply yes, I will be coming and go and enjoy time with them. Unless you really have made other arrangements or can't go.

If it was for all though why put any names at all?

If Im on a group chat with only Bob, Dave and Chris I am not going to put "Bob, Dave and Chris are you free for a meet up" am I. Just "when are you all free for a meet up?"

So she deliberately missed OP out.

Looks to me like she re read her original invite and realised (or the other 2 pointed it out to her) she had missed your name - hence the message directed at you today.
Only you can decide whether she did it on purpose or not.
If it's a one off I'd stop over thinking this and go out and have fun.
If you and her have history I'd be less inclined. But do you want to risk loosing your friendship with the other 2 over this?

Sorry but if there's nothing in the background that's been missed out then sounds like she just missed your name by mistake!

Go but be on your guard. Check out the lie of the land. Make a decision after the meet up.

She might have thought she'd messaged you all. She might have typed the names into her search to find the WhatsApp and then didn't realise that it also put them into her message. I'd be more inclined to think it's a typo , auto-correct error than a deliberate snub.

You're not unreasonable to feel how you feel, I'd be the same (especially if I was a bit hormonal at the time!), but a couple of experiences of mine would make me think it was a genuine mistake.

We arranged a Zoom chat in our Whatsapp group a few weeks ago and the person setting it up completely forgot to send an email to one of our friends. It wasn't until someone said "Oh couldn't XXXX join us tonight?" that we realised! She'd been sat on her own in her pjs, with her wine, waiting for an invitation.

Another friend was going abroad for a while and arranged a big night out before she went. We'd planned to go shopping, along with another friend, in the morning for a few last minute bits and , after trawling round the shops for about 2 hours I said "Did xxxx change her mind about coming?" and my friend realised she'd forgotten to phone her (days before mobile phones), so we went in the nearest phonebox and she apologised and ended the call with "See you later, we'll pick you up at 7o'clock to get to the pub as the minibus is picking us up at 7.30!". Standing in the pub at 7.20 I realised xxx wasn't there again, asked my friend about it and she'd completely forgotten her for the 2nd time that day! Poor woman was so upset when we screeched to a halt outside her house and gave her 5 seconds to throw some make up in a bag to apply on the way and get her dress back on (she'd given up and gone to bed in tears). This was about 20 years ago and my friend still feels really bad about it (whereas xxx and I just laugh).

You know your friends and whether there'd be any malice intended. I'd go with it being an oversight and see if it happens again.

Is it possible that she meant to mention you by name as well but accidentally missed you out?

If there is no other background, I would assume she didn't mean to make you think you were excluded.

If you are really friends and there was absolutely no reason to exclude you, you should have just said straight away when they sent the message with Mary and Jane's name in and said something along the lines of "is this a private party?" or "I'll just stay at home and wash my hair then!!!!!!!" and an appropriate emoji. Always best not to let things like this fester and become something bigger than they are.

What as happening before the invite? Were the three of them chatting while you were offline?

Sounds like a faux pas. If she didn't want you there she would have gone off WhatsApp and text them.

Is it me or do people like making life difficult for themselves? In a situation like that (unless there's background we don't know about), with friends, if you can make a positive (it was a mistake) or negative (she left me out) assumption, why make the latter? It just causes needless stress. IMO, you sound like hard work.

so youre not going to go anyway after all that