To dislike my son!!

[Bobblepop]

My son is ten years old and ever since he was born he's been 'difficult'. He was my first born and after having other children I can see his behaviour is not 'normal'.

He used to sleep all day and be awake all night as a baby. Was fussy, had to be held and on the move all the time. The health visitor advised letting him 'cry it out' so he would learn to sleep.
Well two hours later and no success just a screaming baby and neighbours complaining.
As a toddler had night terrors and woke up to 12 times a night screaming! Asked health visitor for advice and the only advice I got was 'oh that's strange'.

Couldn't never eat out anywhere because once he had eaten, it was full blown screams until we left because of people staring.

Never stopped talking about buses, by age 3 knew all the bus routes and numbers and had to scream it out loud every time he saw a bus LOOK 11 BUS 11 BUS 11 BUS over and over over.
Obsessed with lining up toys and spinning wheels.

Got called into nursery every week because he'd been banging his head off the floor or biting people.

I tried to ask for help saying I think he has something but everyone told me no no just his age. Didn't seem a cause for concern that he screamed his head off after waking from every nap.

Tantrums that lasted HOURS, and very frustrated with EVERYTHING.

At school had a special corner to 'go and calm down' in. Still the teachers said there's nothing the matter with him. By this point I'm the only one thinking he has ADHD or something.

But hey who am I? I'm only his mother so I don't know anything.

He's trashed classrooms, has meltdowns, punishment doesn't work. I've been to parenting classes to see what I can do.

We talk but he appears to have no empathy. Even yesterday we were at a friend's and he was on their child's bike, the said child age 4 wanted their bike back and son refused because...

"They can't ride it anyway so what's the point in them having it"

He's self righteous, and quickly goes into meltdown mode if he doesn't get his own way.

I've phoned social services myself asking for help. He's got knives from drawer's and is aggressive.

I do love him but I feel as though I'm in some sort of weird abusive relationship where I can't get out of it.

I'm worried for his future because he's so sporadic I've even thought he'd be the type to probably commit suicide on a whim because he was annoyed.

I don't know what to do! I've phoned CAMHS, I've phoned doctors. Nobody is interested.

I'm fed up!

Sounds like ASD.
What does your senco at school say? They Are the key to getting help.
It’s a very hard road to get someone to listen.
Make a list of all his behaviours and make an app to see the senco.
Failing that a lot of people go private for a diagnosis when it comes to asd, adhd, etc etc.

Sending love 💐

Thats screaming autism to me tbh. You need to get him assessed and get support for it. Document all his behaviours for a few weeks and take that in to the gp and insist on a referral, search for your local relevant clinics, autism assessment centres etc and give the gp the list and say he needs referring to one of these. The documenting will help focus you and will show the doctor just how bad it actually is. As annoying as it is you need to show you've actually really thought about it and learned about it rather than just walking in saying my kid is a nightmare there must be something wrong with him.
Also document what was happening before he kicks off, as it may help you identify triggers.

Since year 3 I stopped asking anyone for advice because I just kept getting told there's nothing a miss. Nobody seems willing to really listen. I have a friend whose child has ADHD and she had to fight hard to get school support. I feel drained as a parent and even resentful towards my child.
There's no reasoning, he's so stubborn! Once I said he wasn't leaving the table if he refused to eat his meal and he sat there from 4pm until 8pm refusing to eat it. He was only 3 at the time. He didn't moan or cry just outright REFUSED to eat and wasn't going to be told what to do.
What 3 year old can sit that long?
At the moment his friendships are deteriorating because he frequently has outbursts at his friends, and they don't want to be his friend.
This makes his issues worse.

It's like a cycle of self loathing. I've tried to explain we can't behave like this to our friends, but his view is that 'well I'm angry!!'

I'm really at a loss. I've read books I've tried and tried but I feel like he's a child who doesn't want to change.

I agree, it all sounds so so autistic.

I don’t know what the agenda is in schools but I also had such opposition to the suggestion of autism or any special need at all - consistently I was told it was my parenting and my children were completely normal. Eventually I got them to CAMHS where the diagnosis was to them blindingly obvious, but they were late teens by then and so much damage done by the awful “system” which just denied and denied and denied.

Get him to CAMHS as soon as you can.

I’m sorry life is so awful - I hear you, but once you get an understanding of his needs and how to help him manage himself things will get a lot easier I promise you.

Another thing - a good technique is “mirroring” their feelings back to them - “you’re upset because you don’t want your dinner” “you feel angry because X wants her bike back” it’s clever because it helps them to “name” what they’re feeling instead of just being lost inside the awfulness of it. Once it’s understood in their mind, given a name, it’s so much easier.. also they know you can understand them, and support them in getting through it.

You need to get him assessed. My dd has sn (not asd) I booked a gp appointment and they got the ball rolling. I'd initially mentioned some things to the hv who was not especially helpful.
Maybe make a list of his behaviours which concern you or keep a diary to take with you.
I'd suggest being firm but polite in all interactions with professionals you're seeking help from.

Yes!! This is how I feel, I feel I'm waiting for someone to tell me when he's a teen they think he's got something but by then it will be too late.

Sorry just realised that sounded really shitty, like you wouldn't know to be polite! Not what I meant

This is awful for you. I can't fathom why professionals won't help you as you've got such strong evidence. Have you asked the go for a referral to camhs and neuro for ASC?

I'm so sad for both you but especially your wee boy.

You need to try your very best to get every referral going and hound these people with phone calls and meetings until he can get assessed. Gp said to me that it wasn't his place but he managed to get a boot up the health visitors to help (my son was diagnosed before he was 3) the social worker called me but I'm sure the gp or school nurse could get you in touch with your local one to let you know everything that you can access for him.

Between now and getting him assessed I would join some parent support groups online for special needs, the autism groups in my local area are wonderful. Also have a look at sensory processing disorders and read everything you can.

You'll need to change the way you view his behaviour as a type of communication to you about how he's feeling in that situation and not as him being bad/disruptive/not normal as well. That should drastically improve your relationship and feelings towards him.

It may seem exhausting now but the alternative is worse

This sounds so difficult, and if I was you I would go to the GP and ask if they can refer your son for an ASD assessment. Meanwhile, do what you would do if you were given a diagnosis, find out as much as you can about how people cope with autistic children and their meltdowns, and try to use some of their methods. You may find that their coping strategies might help your son and you, even if it turns out that in the end, that isn't the cause of his behaviour.

Good to see such positive responses here. Yes, see your GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS. The behaviour you describe does suggest ASD.

Be prepared for a waiting list. If you can afford it, consider going privately - your GP should be able to recommend someone with real expertise. Best of luck

My son is not dissimilar, though less screaming. He's also 10. Every teacher, childminder etc has, said they think he's ASD, I think he is. We managed to get a CAHMS assessment at 5 but he didn't tick enough boxes on the day. I tried again this year to get help for his self esteem, anxiety etc. CAHMS gave him an appointment after a 6 month wait but he, as he is perfectly capable of doing, acted beautifully throughout and they didn't feel there was a problem. I'm similar in that I reay worry that he will hurt himself or someone else one day but he's not 'bad enough', to warrant help, though his school are great. He starts secondary next year and it's v hard because I want them to know something about him but without a diagnosis, you're just 'that parent' if you start talking about anxiety, social difficulty etc. I'm sorry I'm not more help, but you're not alone.

Go private and get a diagnosis. Expensive but worth it.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this alone. It's not right and it's not fair. It's also nothing to do with your parenting by the sounds of it.

I don't have any knowledge in this area but I hope other posters' advice will help you find someone who will give you and your son the support you need. You deserve it.

Sounds very much like ASD, he may be very good at masking in school.

It’s hard, I know.

You just have to be like a dog with a bone and get his assessed, speak to Dr again and school SENCO again.

I'm so sorry that you have both been living through this for so long. Obviously no one can diagnose him over the internet. However, it sounds like he would benefit from stategies used with people who have autism, even if he doesnt have it. I suggest you have a look at the National Autistic Society - NAS.
If he does have Autistic traits then the world may seem a very chaotic, confusing and over stimulating place to him - rather like the first time someone has a driving lesson, when they are super aware of everything going on around them and trying to concentrate on everything at once. It is exhausting after an hour let alone relentlessly living like that.

I suggest you try to make gradual changes for him. Let him know exactly what the plans are for the day. Try to take some of the unexpected away.

If there has been a melt down about something that you can identify as a trigger try talking it through when he is calm. Help him to think about other ways he could have dealt with it - writing things down often really helps as its concrete and tangible.

Look up social stories, now and next and schedules. You might find some really helpful tools to help him.

It sounds like things have been really tough. I so hope you get some support soon. Your SENDCo really should be able to put things in place to get that support.

As well as your GP, contact the school nursing team for your area as you should be able to self-refer. It's also worth looking at whether your area has an early intervention hub, try googling your area and "locality hub" or "locality early intervention hub", and you should also be able to self-refer to this.

Its helpful before appointments to have your concerns written down alongside some examples of behaviours or actions. Be firm about getting a referral and tell the GP you suspect autism or ADHD (your opening post has me leaning more toward autism) and want a referral to CAMHS for further assessment as it is impacting on his education, social relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

I didn’t think you could self refer i.e just phone CAMHS.

When he’s been seen by the GP, what did they actually say?

What do the schools actually say about his behaviour and clearly typical traits?

Stopping asking for help isn’t a solution.

Keep pushing op I agree it sounds like asd

Stopping asking for help isn’t a solution

Yes it's true. Parents of children with sn will tell you that you need to be really quite persistent and pro active in seeking help.

You really do have to fight so hard. Its exhausting I know but you just have to do it. I'm autistic, nobody knew, I got the diagnosis myself and right up until a specially qualified doctor said I was, people told me I wasn't. You really have to push, study it, go in with all the evidence you can and insist they take it seriously.

Personally, I was angry alot because the world is wrong, everybody is wrong, people will tell you grass is purple and you know damn well its green, its infuriating. Autistics and neurotypicals see things and feel things so differently. He needs professional support to understand that and to learn to function in a neurotypical world.

Please remember, although it's so hard to be around someone who cant manage their autism, it's so so damn hard to be in an autistic body that you cant control.

Obviously I'm talking as though he IS autistic, he might not be, could be any other learning disability or personality disorder, but what you're saying isn't the behaviour of a neurotypical person so whatever it is, is happening TO him.

Reminds me of autism too. My dd was similar - but not as high functioning so issues were more obvious to all. So I have not had to fight so hard.

I did go private for an ASD diagnosis - that helped open doors to more support.

Look at the NAS web site regarding getting your son diagnosed, OP. In addition to CAMHS, the National Autistic Society do diagnostic assessments and they also run an advice service. I agree with other posters, it does seem as though your son is on the ASD spectrum and his additional needs aren't being met or supported properly by the school.

If your son's school is supportive, ask for a meeting with the SENCO - try and get him/her to support your request for assessment with evidence. It is bloody hard because you have to fight continuously to get any help.

Approach your GP with evidence of melt downs in school and home and what caused them etc. and request an assessment. Don't let the professionals fob you off. Good luck.

I'm gong through the process of diagnosis of ADHD with my son. What I did was use the criteria from the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) as a table and linked the behaviour to each section that he matched. This helped organise it so that when I took it to the dr it was clear what our concerns were.

I've copied the DSM entry for Austism Spectrum Disorder below. It might help to organise the thoughts you have on his behaviour to specific diagnostic criteria. The behaviour of your son outlined in your opening post also suggested autism to me. If you want ADHD criteria I can link to that as well, let me know.

Diagnostic Criteria for 299.00 Autism Spectrum Disorder
Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts, as manifested by the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation; to reduced sharing of interests, emotions, or affect; to failure to initiate or respond to social interactions.
Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.
Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understand relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.
Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior.

Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history (examples are illustrative, not exhaustive; see text):
Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g., simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases).
Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior (e.g., extreme distress at small changes, difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day).
Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g., strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests).
Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).
Specify current severity:

Severity is based on social communication impairments and restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior.

Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).
Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.
These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur; to make comorbid diagnoses of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability, social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.
Note: Individuals with a well-established DSM-IV diagnosis of autistic disorder, Asperger’s disorder, or pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified should be given the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. Individuals who have marked deficits in social communication, but whose symptoms do not otherwise meet criteria for autism spectrum disorder, should be evaluated for social (pragmatic) communication disorder.