To dislike my son!!

[Bobblepop]

My son is ten years old and ever since he was born he's been 'difficult'. He was my first born and after having other children I can see his behaviour is not 'normal'.

He used to sleep all day and be awake all night as a baby. Was fussy, had to be held and on the move all the time. The health visitor advised letting him 'cry it out' so he would learn to sleep.
Well two hours later and no success just a screaming baby and neighbours complaining.
As a toddler had night terrors and woke up to 12 times a night screaming! Asked health visitor for advice and the only advice I got was 'oh that's strange'.

Couldn't never eat out anywhere because once he had eaten, it was full blown screams until we left because of people staring.

Never stopped talking about buses, by age 3 knew all the bus routes and numbers and had to scream it out loud every time he saw a bus LOOK 11 BUS 11 BUS 11 BUS over and over over.
Obsessed with lining up toys and spinning wheels.

Got called into nursery every week because he'd been banging his head off the floor or biting people.

I tried to ask for help saying I think he has something but everyone told me no no just his age. Didn't seem a cause for concern that he screamed his head off after waking from every nap.

Tantrums that lasted HOURS, and very frustrated with EVERYTHING.

At school had a special corner to 'go and calm down' in. Still the teachers said there's nothing the matter with him. By this point I'm the only one thinking he has ADHD or something.

But hey who am I? I'm only his mother so I don't know anything.

He's trashed classrooms, has meltdowns, punishment doesn't work. I've been to parenting classes to see what I can do.

We talk but he appears to have no empathy. Even yesterday we were at a friend's and he was on their child's bike, the said child age 4 wanted their bike back and son refused because...

"They can't ride it anyway so what's the point in them having it"

He's self righteous, and quickly goes into meltdown mode if he doesn't get his own way.

I've phoned social services myself asking for help. He's got knives from drawer's and is aggressive.

I do love him but I feel as though I'm in some sort of weird abusive relationship where I can't get out of it.

I'm worried for his future because he's so sporadic I've even thought he'd be the type to probably commit suicide on a whim because he was annoyed.

I don't know what to do! I've phoned CAMHS, I've phoned doctors. Nobody is interested.

I'm fed up!

Are there any autism charities in your area that you can reach out to?

ABA saved all of our lives, I believe. We ran a fulltime programme (at home and school, 40 hours a week) for seven years. DS started off as a severe self-harmer, with no means of communicating and hundreds of tantrums a day. Stimming constantly on all doors, gates etc, so could not even walk down the road or go into a shop. He could go nowhere and do nothing, and neither could we. He now does not have any form of self-harm, no real stims, can communicate excellently, and enjoys many activities, sports, cultural, travel etc. Please do educate yourself about ABA.

Look up ABAA4All on Facebook for support...

Like everyone else, this is yelling autism to me.

Are you on fb? Follow this page and start treating him as if he does have ASD. I bet you see a difference.

Go right back to basics, op!

OP my DS7 was diagnosed with autism last week. We paid a clinical psychologist to carry out the assessment as there was no hope of a diagnosis through camhs. Might this be a possibility for you? I just googled 'autism diagnosis' in my local area.

That absolutely screams autism to me OP

Sounds a bit like a family member who has aspergers. I definitely think you need to go back to gp and say I’m not leaving without a referral. I am in fear of him and what he could do to himself. Good luck. Sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can x💐

RedOasis Aspergers is autism. Aspergers isn’t a diagnosis anymore.

Agree with many other prior posters, sounds as though it could possibly be autism to me too. We had DS assessed privately in the end when he was 11. Haven't looked back since, one of the best things we have ever done as it unlocked so much support we hadn't previously been able to access.

Bobblepop, was your nursery attached to your school? Teachers can't diagnose your child with anything so they wouldn't be allowed to say to you that they had ASD and would be discouraged from doing so if the SENCO thought they didn't have it.
One bad SENCO can mess up a whole school.

It sounds like ASD to me and if you possibly can go private you should. Also, you need to do as much as possible with your senco/ head teacher in writing. Keep contacting local charities like homestart to get an advocate in with you for your meetings. You're so used to being dismissed that you need someone in your corner.

Even if you don't get a diagnosis, it doesn't necessarily matter. YOU know that he has ASD and support is generally shit unfortunately anyway, so it will be your research that will help you to see what to do about it. I think the first thing you should do is find a community of mothers with children with ASD. You need to have people you can go to who won't make you feel crazy. Next you need to read read read as much as you can in order to have an idea of how your child's brain might be working. Ask on MN for trustworthy books and look at the NHS website.
Don't wait for confirmation by professionals to start the process of helping your son. You've seen that the system is broken... It doesn't change once you get a label. You can do it yourself once you find the right sources of information. Try phoning asd charities and asking for reading lists

Walktwo is right, finding a local group will help you a lot. For me it was a local carers group. He had to get the tissues out on my first visit! He signposted me to an autism group of parents with children diagnosed or going through diagnosis. They then signposted me to other support including SEN swimming lessons.

That’s how you do it, chip away bit by bit but start by finding someone to help you fight your corner.

In the meantime treat him like he is autistic. Small tweaks in how us parents communicate with our autistic kids can have a massive impact.

Hello,
just read your post and wanted to add this link

www.pdasociety.org.uk/

Your anecdote about him refusing to eat reminded me of my 8year old daughter who has autism with a specific profile of pathological demand avoidance. Kids like this need a slightly different approach from children who have a pure (whateverthatmeans) autism profile.
They have lots of tips on the website and it might be worth trying the strategies there. It made all the difference to understanding our daughter.
I have to go now, but will log in later if you have any questions.
Good luck for now

Thanks so much everyone, I'm glad I posted.
I really never thought autism, I was thinking he's too hyperactive and so anyways looked more towards ADHD areas.
I'm quite ignorant about autism I didn't realise that most of my son's behaviour does have the traits.

I'm going to make a folder and somehow make some sort of action plans, triggers and ask what would make him feel better, what can I do to help him when he's feeling angry etc.

If anyone has any ideas how to put this together let me know.
I've spent all day patting his head feeling guilty and wondering how we can move forward.

I'm going to join the Facebook pages and hopefully over the summer holidays we can have some sort of routine.
I've read general parenting books and I've always said, well that's ok if your child is normal but this isn't working for us!

I'm going to try over the summer to rebuild our bond and hopefully on return the school he will be calmer. I assume I can talk to the teacher about strategies we have implemented and if he needs to use them at school.

Anyway I'll see how it goes, I won't talk to to doctor yet, I'll try what people have suggested. I'm grateful for such helpful responses.

Hopefully I can meet groups over the summer. I'm definitely feeling more positive than I was this morning, and how there's people who relate, and also found solutions and hope.

Sorry to hear about people's teens and children who continue to struggle. Hopefully you also found some useful information in this thread.

Bobble, something I did was to make a 'cosy chair'. It's the opposite of a naughty step but has the same function in a way, just without the battle and powerplay and imo cruelty. It's an armchair in a quiet place in the house, with cushions and blanket chosen by DS for their texture (ASD people can be super-sensitive to textures.) Add a favourite cuddly toy if he likes them, or favourite toy of any kind if not, a book he likes, a drink and a biscuit. When he starts a meltdown (and you might start noticing warning signs) he goes to the comfy chair and settles himself and gets up as soon as he is ready to feel better.

DS used his comfy chair for an hour every single day after school. He needed to decompress after the barrage of social interaction. He never melts down. He needs that zone-out time.

You can use video games in a similar way. Unlike most parents, I find myself saying, 'Why don't you have half an hour on the X box?' It's a great way of de-stressing. As long as you both keep tabs on not getting addicted, something like Minecraft is age-appropriate and really therapeutic.

Be completely compliant with what he can/will can't/won;t eat. Neurotypical rules don't apply. But do explain the need for carbs, protein and five a day, and let him choose which of those he wants. Give him vitamin supplements too as he might get very set in his ways, but that's fine. Honestly. DS is quite small for his age - maybe the result of eating almost nothing for the first three years and a very limited diet for the next eight years. But he's healthy enough. And now he's quite adventurous with food.

My son has autism and your son sounds alot more on the spectrum than him.

OP, please do not alter your child's diet or exposure to aluminium () without first consulting a medical professional. By "professional" I mean someone with more qualifications than "did some googling".

As an FYI for anyone tempted to click on it, the video link posted by a PP is footage of an anti-vaxxer who believes that adjuvants in vaccines cause autism.

Going to lay this out simply as their is a wealth of research supporting it:

VACCINES DO NOT CAUSE AUTISM. THERE IS NO LINK BETWEEN VACCINES AND AUTISM.

Their = there

By medical professional, I'm assuming you mean doctors whom get paid around £10 per vaccination given? The same doctors who study vaccines for about a day.

Ok, cool. Don't listen to me, just putting information out there that has helped people with autism. Research yourself by all means, if you can get past the censorship.

By the way, this isnt a quick google. This is months, if not years of research and reading studies.

It is anti-vaxx bullshit is what it is.

Vaccines do not cause autism.

You are spreading lies.

There actually.

Their
belonging to or associated with the people or things previously mentioned or easily identified.

Before you correct someone you might want to get it right

I already corrected my autocorrect in my next post but sure, pick up and spelling and grammar as a way to deflect from the lies you are telling.

One thing I have found which is essential for me to build relationship with my son (he has ADHD, not autism, similar challenges though and I struggle sometimes)

IT IS OKAY TO HAVE LIMITS/BOUNDARIES EVEN WHEN THEY APPLY TO RELATIONSHIP BUILDING.

Sorry to shout. I feel it's very very important to understand, I did not understand, for a long time and so what I kept doing was operating in a negative feedback cycle.

I would find it exhausting to spend time with him > I would avoid it > his behaviour/our relationship deteriorated > I became more exhausted and felt less able to cope > I avoided more > etc.

The day I realised that it's totally OK if I say I can play cards with you for 20 minutes but then I'll stop. I'll play a computer game with you for 1 hour. We can read before 8 but no later. That was a revelation and even so it took several steps before I actually went ahead and applied it to everything. I still have a hard time with it! I feel as though I should be available to him at all hours of the day and night, any time, anywhere. I feel like I should have endless energy to devote to him. It actually feels like a betrayal or a failure that spending time with him involves expending energy in the first place! I thought that it would be effortless and fun all the time to be a parent - no idea why because obviously it isn't. But I thought it would be effortless and fun most of the time at least, with the parts that are hard being few and far between, not making up the daily interactions.

This makes me laugh! My DS is a coeliac as am I, he has been gluten free for years and on probiotics as am I. We have perfect gut biomes. And guess what? He is STILL Autistic!