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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School neighbour/mum ignoring me

64 replies

feb14 · 08/07/2020 07:11

1st post so hope I'm doing this correctly. But i just wanted some views. With the current pandemic were in I told my neighbour who we also walk to school with as the kids are in same class that I no longer want to walk to school with her so we can stick to social distancing rules and it doesn't confuse the kids who have to social distance at school in their bubbles. Anyway she said she was fine about it....but I don't know since we've been back it seems to me like she's being very abrupt and ignoring me she will say hello after ive said it and then turn her back to me.. She's now very pally with another mum and most days i see them stood next to each other not even obeying the distancing rules which pisses me right off but most of the parents dont seem to keep the distance either. It's really starting to get to me and I now really detest the school drop off and pick ups

OP posts:

Onestepup · 08/07/2020 08:20

She has taken it the wrong way when she could have given you the benefit of the doubt. That isn't what a kind person, or a friend, would do.

Fundays12 · 08/07/2020 08:23

You wanted to social distance and not walk with her and she respected YOUR request. She is now social distancing from you. She has also made a new friend who hasn’t asked that of her. What did you expect her to do stand and wait at the school gates on her own too social distance from you? If a friend said that I would fully respect there wishes, keep there distance by carry on chatting too other friends.

eurochick · 08/07/2020 08:26

I'm not sure why you requested that as walking side by side outdoors would have been very safe and easy to maintain some distance between you, so I can see why she has ditched you for someone else.

InThisMultiverse · 08/07/2020 08:27

Possibly she saw you as trying to determine the parameters of the friendship and has reacted to that and in turn has determined new parameters, which clearly involves keeping you at arms length. Not necessarily a mature response though.

xolotltezcatlopoca · 08/07/2020 08:32

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite, but her neighbour isn't ignoring OP. She still acknowledge her by saying hello. Just she is distancing from her as OP has requested. If you can't socially distant walk together to school, you can't stand socially distance in the playground either? Children will come to you in both situations.

Quartz2208 · 08/07/2020 08:32

You have your views which she has respected

She feels differently

SnuggyBuggy · 08/07/2020 08:34

OP what would you like this person to do?

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 08/07/2020 08:38

If they're in the same bubble what's the problem? The kids in my son's bubble aren't distancing from each other.
Yours might not be but the OP has stated that those at her children's school are:
"I no longer want to walk to school with her so we can stick to social distancing rules and it doesn't confuse the kids who have to social distance at school in their bubbles."

The OP is just trying her best to ensure the kids don't misunderstand the rules.

OP, I think the neighbour has taken things far more personally than you obviously intended. However, as you prefer to social distance and follow guidelines and she isn't bothering, it seems you probably have different values anyway. I'd carry-on saying hello to her in the hope that she realises you didn't intend to write off her friendship but don't worry too much as you may have less in common than you thought and wouldn't be the greatest fit as friends.

incognitomum · 08/07/2020 08:42

Have you had a NCF? I thought it was your first post?

tinyvulture · 08/07/2020 08:42

Do you communicate with this friend much over text/social media? If so, I was wondering if her communications with you have changed (in tone, frequency etc), as that would perhaps be the best indication of whether she is upset with you (in person, her conduct MAY indicate she is upset but it MAY just be an awkward attempt to respect SD.)

Either way it sounds like this friend is fairly important to you, so at this point I would send a kind and honest text -‘ I feel like you might be upset - is it because I said this? If so I didn’t mean to hurt you. Value our friendship.....” etc etc. That would help clear the air hopefully, because it’s a shame to lose a friend over what is essentially a misunderstanding.

ResumetonormalASAP · 08/07/2020 08:44

She isn't ignoring you though is she? She says hello and then doesn't get closer and chat as you requested. She does chat with another mum who perhaps feels the same as you - children are socialising and so they are too.

There are extremes with this virus and 'the rules'.... it's a spectrum. We have the shriekers at one end, the covidiots at the other and the vast majority in the middle trying to SD, washing their hands and doing their best whilst continuing to have to get on with life for them and their family whilst staying as safe as possible.

ResumetonormalASAP · 08/07/2020 08:45

the other mum probably feels the same as her ....not you,,

RandyLionandDirtyDog · 08/07/2020 08:50

You said you didn’t want to walk to school with her because you’re keen to observe social distancing rules, fair enough.

But now you’re annoyed because she talks to other people outside the school gates? That’s very unkind of you. You can set your own rules but shouldn’t try to police what other people do.

Maybe she needs that bit of interaction with another mum to help her cope? Whatever she does, it’s really none of your business.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 08/07/2020 08:51

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite, but her neighbour isn't ignoring OP. She still acknowledge her by saying hello. Just she is distancing from her as OP has requested.
Only responding and saying hello after the OP has said it and then turning her back to the OP is a classic, immature response. The neighbour is just doing enough that she can't be accused of actively ignoring her but she clearly isn't going to initiate and say hello first. Turning her back is a very childish response. I think the OP is far more sensible and the two probably wouldn't get on in the long term.

EQTONYEQ · 08/07/2020 08:59

@feb14

First off you r post has come out all right i'm sure you'll get used to it.

Well it seems to me that From a social perspective, she might feel awkward about what you said or might even think you "don't like her" per say. I've had situations like this before when people get the wrong idea and think you're coming from one angle when in actual fact you're not.

basically as the other parents haven't said anything that's why she talks to them, however if you explain to her that you will still talk to her as normal it's just that you are trying to make a good example for the kids and merely being safe, then I'm sure she 'd most likely understand. The last thing I'd say is when it comes to the pandemic it cheeses a lot of people off so when it comes to distancing or anything regarding it sometimes people do care but in some ways don't as they are fed up with the whole thing. Some times people aren't affected at all and don't know anyone that has been so the idea of distancing etc might be silly or annoying etc, so her or the other parents might carry this idea. But I just think it's a case of "id say hi but since you are distancing but i'll talk with them instead" I completely understand where your coming from and I don't think you're doing the wrong thing as you're just being safe and responsible really

xolotltezcatlopoca · 08/07/2020 08:59

She may feel she is turning her back, but it may not be 100% correct though. She may be simply turning towards her friend, socializing with another mum within her children's bubble.
Op wanted to social distance on the way to school but still wanted to hang around with her in the play ground once they are at school? From OP's pov, it's confusing children, so the neighbour is doing what op has reqested. Not socialise with OP, who's children are not same bubble as hers.

CambsAlways · 08/07/2020 09:06

Why couldn’t you have walked to school with her but social distanced

starfishmummy · 08/07/2020 09:10

Sounds like she is doing exactly what you wanted.

Maybe you need to think about why you are so jealous that she has other friends?

saraclara · 08/07/2020 09:12

I think you were over the top in your request, and she's bewildered by that. So she's keeping out of your way.

I don't know why you expected her to stand all by herself and not interact with anyone else though. She's entitled to talk and stand with whoever she likes. You made a decision to suit you. There's no reason for her to face the consequence you want for her, which seems to be that she's isolated at school. You're not her drop-off partner any more, so she's found another one.

MintyMabel · 08/07/2020 09:15

Name change fail? How would you have two usernames on a site which is your first post?

Carandi · 08/07/2020 09:21

I'm not sure why you changed your user name 10 mins after making your first post?

Anyways, you said you didn't want to walk with her and she's respecting your wish to social distance. Maybe she's been a bit sensitive to the request and taken it as a snub. Sounds like she doesn't take social distancing guidelines too seriously if she's standing near to other parents.

IdblowJonSnow · 08/07/2020 09:23

She sounds a bit daft if shes deliberately being offhand over that.
Hopefully it'll blow over by September.

zingally · 08/07/2020 09:25

Is she actually a friend, or just someone you sort of accidentally ended up walking with?

Either way, it's nearly the summer holidays anyway. I'd shelve it for now. If you want to re-establish the friendship in September, I'd start with a bit of an apology, "I'm sorry I was a bit abrupt about the social distancing thing. It just worried me at the time!"

I don't thing the other woman would have been very wrong to interpret your "I don't want to walk together anymore" a bit as "I'm not bothered about being your friend". And frankly, if she's literally taken you at your word, that's your issue, not hers. You essentially told her you didn't want to hang out together any more, so she has now found someone else to walk with/stand with/chat with.

You can't have it both ways.

rarathenoisylioness · 08/07/2020 09:26

You asked her to keep her distance. She is doing that. It's not her fault you feel differently to each other about the circumstances. If my friend asked that of me I would certainly be chatting to someone else if I was of a different opinion.

GU24Mum · 08/07/2020 09:27

As a PP has said, it's a range of reactions to the rules rather than all or nothing.

It also really depends how you asked her - we can't tell if you were very friendly or very judgy. Personally unless the route is very narrow I'd have kept the walk going. You didn't want to and that's fine. She is doing what you've asked and you don't like it. She may be being a bit rude or you may be being a bit over-sensitive but we don't know as we aren't there!

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