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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset over this

60 replies

inthedarkx · 08/07/2020 01:54

My exes sister always puts my exes new baby ( well he's 1 now) as her profile picture on Facebook and never puts a pic of any of the 6 children my ex has with me.
My ex left me for another woman. It hurts that my children are not given same recognition in the family as his new child. I was with my ex 15 years. He was only with this new one 2 months before she was pregnant. I kept my exes sister on Facebook because I thought she might want to see pics of our kids as she lives in another country and doesn't speak English. When me and my ex were together she was nice to me ( we spoke via chat with translations) and now since he left me it's like I'm the enemy and him and his new woman with their baby are perfect.
It's like she favours this new child. Same with my ex really he gives more time to his new child than he does to my children

Sorry that was just a rant. Just upsets me. Feel like my kids don't matter anymore and I feel like just running away with them!

OP posts:

Coronabegone · 08/07/2020 11:43

then he tried to kick my door in the

but because he's not being violent they can't help

But he is being violent?

Original poster

inthedarkx · 08/07/2020 11:55

@Coronabegone I've blocked them but they create new accounts. I've had to permanently delete all my social media because of them

OP posts:

Coronabegone · 08/07/2020 12:03

So don't accept friend requests from people you don't know?

IShineAShoe · 08/07/2020 12:05

So if you’ve deleted all your social media accounts how can you see SIL changing her profile picture?

BurtsBeesKnees · 08/07/2020 12:38

Delete all social media, block his number and block his emails.

Change your phone number and give him an new email address he can use to contact you re the children.

DO NOT engage with him over anything unless he's asking a direct question about the dc.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2020 12:45

Buy a cheap phone and PAYG sim and set up a separate email address. Give those details to your ex. Tell him those are the only contact methods you will accept him using. Save any abusive messages he sends you and video him if he is kicking your door. Keep a diary of any abusive behaviour and speak to the police.

MinnieJackson · 08/07/2020 13:55

Why do you know about the picture if you don't have social media?

2 years is too long for any of this to have been going on. Do your dc enjoy seeing their dad?

gumball37 · 08/07/2020 14:01

Let it go. They'll always choose their sibling over their nieces and nephews. I've lived this. Tried repeatedly to foster a relationship with my son and ex's family.... But ex always came first. Things have been easier since I stopped trying and expecting them to give a shit.

zingally · 08/07/2020 14:06

Just let it go OP. You don't have any control over your ex, and you have even less over his sister who lives in a different country. Just delete and then block her. It's not like you're ever going to speak to her again.

From what others have said, it seems like your maybe struggling to get over what happened with your ex... But you keep opening yourself up to these little micro-wounds over and over again. Just stop exposing yourself to things that cause you pain, that you can't do anything about.

Like my dad used to say to me, "you can't control other people, but you can control yourself."

Original poster

inthedarkx · 08/07/2020 14:20

It's hard when my ex is point blank refusing to stick to child arrangements and provide for the kids financially until our divorce is finished and he's bought a house

He said if I don't allow this I'm 'ruining his life'
So I stop access in order to set my boundaries so he then threatens to take the kids off me. I just want to move away and never have to deal with him again

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 08/07/2020 14:28

Well that’s up to him. The children are available at agreed times, if he doesn’t turn up it’s a shame for the kids but he’s the one losing out. Don’t rearrange stuff to suit him

Do you have a solicitor?

Costacoffeeplease · 08/07/2020 14:29

Write down every time he fails to turn up or wants to rearrange access. Phone the police when he gets violent

PixieLee123 · 08/07/2020 14:53

If you don’t want to delete the sister on FB you can ‘unfollow’ her page so you won’t see her posts unless you search her...but it doesn’t sound like thats the real issue.

What you have described about your ex doesn’t sound like “stopping you from moving on” he has moved on but you haven’t. I get it can’t be nice for you but I think you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy instead of all this drama.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 08/07/2020 15:18

@positivepixie he is stopping me from moving on because he won't agree to a proper contact schedule
This week said he would have kids Monday Tuesday
Then changed it to wed and thurs and he does this sort of thing EVERY week to control me and expects to give I'm therefore I dont have a life
If I say sorry no can't change he goes around telling people I stop
Him seeing his kids

OP posts:

PixieLee123 · 08/07/2020 16:30

That must be really annoying for you but still wouldn’t say its stopping you moving on, I would say thats things like giving you false hope about there still being a relationship/mixed messages which doesn’t sound like he’s doing.
In a PP you said its his GF changing the days to suite her now its him changing them to control you. I would just say you are sticking to the arranged days next time and ignore if he wants to moan about you thats his problem.

Poppi89 · 08/07/2020 16:43

Don't let him tell you when he's having the kids. Tell him what days he is having them (expect him not to turn up) and if he refuses he can go to court to get it in writing the days of contact which would mean he can't not turn up.

Come off social media and focus on how you can improve your own life - moving home, getting a new job, decorating, online dating - anything that will make you feel better.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 08/07/2020 17:10

My ex is also planning to take the kids away from me for good. He said he will buy a house and his kids will live in it. He said he's not sure how but he will figure it out when it happens. I'm panicking now because hes got this plan.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/07/2020 17:25

How much childcare did he do when he was at home? I bet he didn’t do a lot. Do you really think he is suddenly going to want all that responsibility and restrictions? Will is new partner want to share him with the DC?

He is just pushing your buttons. He doesn’t want the DC but he does want you panicking.

BurtsBeesKnees · 08/07/2020 19:13

I suggest you beat him to it. You go to court and legally tie up contact arrangements via the legal route. That way he can't decide not to give them back one day and keep them at his house.

Do it now before you really have to.

Poppi89 · 08/07/2020 20:09

My ex is also planning to take the kids away from me for good.

This will never happen! No court in the world would take children from their homes and give sole custody to one parent unless the other parent was an unfit parent (and seeing as you're on here worrying about them I can tell that's not the case). If he has them and refuses to give them back then you go to court and get access and he cannot refuse then.

THIS!!
You have 6 kids!! That's a lot of responsibility for one person to have and I don't believe for one second he would go through with it especially when he won't even turn up to see them on the arranged days now!!
Call his bluff and TELL him he needs to have them for the next 2 weeks. Or say he needs to have them on weekends put it all in writing through text or email and if he refuses you have the proof. You are not there to make his life easier.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 09/07/2020 16:31

To be honest I've had enough. He's now calling me evil coz I won't let him see kids when it suits and he because I won't allow him to change when it suits. Saying I'm evil. And our son hurt and banged his ear and apparently this is karma for me not allowing him access when he changed the days. Saying I'm evil. Then said he will 'show me' of something happens to my son

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/07/2020 17:14

He is not the boss of you. I think you should go down the formal route and get an agreed contact schedule. You make the DC available for contact on the agreed days at the agreed times.
Do not keep in touch with him otherwise. Seriously get 1 email address and phone number for him to use and block him off everything else.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/07/2020 17:16

Keep a record of any messages calling you evil or threatening you. Keep a diary too. You can show them to the police and the court if you need to.

Original poster

inthedarkx · 09/07/2020 17:21

Thanks again everyone
I've blocked him everywhere
@ChazsBrilliantAttitude he says these things in person when he gets kids etc so can't prove it via text or email. I've blocked him now and only allow contact via email but he says this stuff I'm person so i have no proof of that he does. The kids hear some stuff he says though

OP posts:

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/07/2020 17:22

Do you really think his new woman will want 6 more kids dumping on her?

He's talking shit, and you must know that. He doesn't even want them 2 days a week otherwise he'd stick to arrangements.

Block him everywhere but email. Tell him that's the only way you will correspond from now on, and stop giving a shit what he's saying to others.

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