Aibu to think I'm to 'common' to live in this area

[wingingit987]

Hi

Myself and my partner moved into our house 4 (hes owned it for about 10 yrs but rented it till we moved in) years ago the house is worth a decent amount in a really nice area. It's a stunning place to live schools are great. I really do love it.

But....

I don't feel like we fit in here. Neither of us have been to uni well I did but never completed it we are a working class family my partner earns decent money and my wage is average part time but I work hard.

We live 15 mins away from where we grew up on estates but and I constantly find myself looking on Rightmove at houses there not because I want to move back but because I feel like we just don't fit in and will it get worse as my son gets older.

Aibu to feel like this? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Xx

What is it that makes you feel like you don't fit in? Is it that you don't enjoy living there or that you worry what other people who live there think?

I think the days of working class people not fitting in with professionals living in the same area are long gone. Enjoy your house. Your neighbours are probably all very nice people, and some of them are probably from working class roots ( don't know if that sounds classist)

LOL

I think I'm more worried about what other people think. Don't get me wrong I dont do anything bad. I hate drugs with a passion, so now where we live I never smell weed which is my pet hate. I just feel like I don't fit in and will it be difficult to fit in with other parents as my lo gets older I have mum friends but they don't actually live where I live to.

I don't know I might be over thinking it.

I have a few friends who don’t feel they belong in our area as they came from council estates. The thing is most areas are so mixed and it’s just your self esteem making you think that. Of course you belong, no person is better than another because of what kind of area they were born in. I’m not from an estate but from a poorer more deprived town. If I were judged on that then they’re not people whose opinions I care about so I’m not bothered. I know we work hard for our house and work hard so our children live in a nice, safe area with lots of opportunities. The school they go to has children from lots of backgrounds but they don’t notice and I don’t care as long as they’re kind to each other. Life’s too short to look back, social mobility is what we should be aiming for so enjoy it and be proud!

What makes you think you won’t fit in though? People are all different

This isn't about the area you live in, this is about your self-esteem.

You still haven't really given any actual reasons.

I ended up in a beautiful house a million miles removed from where I grew up. I don’t think I have the same background as my neighbours. Single mum, working lots of hours etc BUT my neighbours are lovely and have checked I’m doing ok during Covid lockdown. My children have a much better childhood here.

Don’t overthink it and enjoy your home and nice surroundings 🙂

I get it OP. You have to force yourself not to assume people are judging you on your accent/image/upbringing/background/whatever you think 'gives away' you're working class. You have to recognise it's your issue and hammer home to yourself that you have every right to live where you like. I used to do a job where I often worked with wealthy people and I often worried about my accent and people assuming I was thick or beneath them or whatever. It was MY issue. I was being defensive and immediately judging them as being judgmental snooty people who were judging me. Spot the irony? Plus what people think about you is none of your business - I personally love that saying.

I live in a posh area now, I grew up in a very rough council estate.

I claim my right to live where I choose. I am not ashamed of where I grew up or who I am.
If others don't like it then tough shit.

PS my neighbours are lovely.

Has anyone done anything (or not done something) to make you feel this way or is it "just a feeling"? Ultimately what's important is that you're happy where you live.. If this feeling is just a perception which you can change then great, change it and stay. If people are really snobby, or if you just don't like it then you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave.

Don’t worry OP, you’re probably overthinking it! Just be yourself and you’ll fit in fine. As a previous poster said, there’s not really this fitting in divide anymore. You can’t really separate traditionally pigeon-holed middle class and working class job roles, salaries, industries, professions, culture, hobbies and interests anymore. There are electricians and mechanics earning more than teachers and scientists, attending a football match costs more than going to a museum or the symphony and trust me, all the classes indulge in alcohol and drugs consumption.

Also, most middle class people don’t become middle class by accident. Most of them will be like yourself, from working class backgrounds or have worked their way up. Education especially tends to be the main route to do so.

You sound lovely so don’t fret it. Fitting in has more to do with the person you are than where you’ve come from. I promise most people won’t even bat an eyelid. Don’t fret about “imposter guilt”. There are lovely and not so lovely people in all classes. Britain’s not really like the Hovis adverts anymore. The classes are all merged together really. Everyone’s getting squeezed!!

I was born in a house that was built for the workers in the largest ironWorks in the world at a certain moment in the C19th (see Rape of the Fair Country)
We accessed the outside toilet through a trapdoor in the kitchen floor and the one room dwelling of an elderly lady on the ground floor
We moved to a brand new council house when I was 6 years old. It was amazing.
I passed the 11plus and went to grammar school, that was a changing point as was my family’s involvement in Anglican Church life.

I could not cope when I went to university at 18, left after a few months and then found my mileu in libraries.
When I got married our lovely neighbours cleared the paths of broken glass so I could go to the wedding limousine in splendour 😳🤣

Long story short, I went back to uni as a single parent, have a first class degree.
I love museums, theatre, poetry, art, music, the countryside, nature, gardening, reading, also parties and great nights out.
If I do a “what class are you?” Quiz I always get middle class!
I am not, I am proudly working class with a clear understanding of how society works.

But sometimes I feel like a fish out of water! I live in a post-industrial mining village and feel excluded from much of the culture here, local club, known each other from the day they were born. I am never sure if my sexuality, I am a lesbian living with my wife, skews my perceptions.
My middle class friends don’t share the fear of being a wages day away from poverty, an almost instinctive awareness of how fragile my lifestyle is.

However, I try not to allow the thought that I don’t fit in there to limit my life. I work hard to play a part in community life, I have wonderful family and truly amazing friends, many nice acquaintances. I believe you reap what you sow, and try to have a bit of a thick skin.
OP please don’t put yourself down, engage in local activities, be open to trying new things and you and your children will benefit. They and you will benefit from living in a “nice” place and you deserve this x

Hi thanks for all the replies.

I have taken it on board probably is a self esteem thing I'm in a job where I work with doctors and I fit in fine with them so I don't know why I feel like this in social circles.

Thanks again. I know how easy it is to fall into the wrong crowd if we moved back to where we are from.

I'm not saying that being in a nicer area doesn't mean your kid doesn't get into the wrong crowd there's good and bad wherever you go.

It's an easy option to sell this house but something where we grew up and gave a tiny mortgage but tbh I don't think i would fit in there either.

Think I need to get involved with some more groups once life gets back to normal xx

*I live in a posh area now, I grew up in a very rough council estate.

I claim my right to live where I choose.*

Technically, it was a HA but close enough, me too. I'm especially glad for my DC (I hated primary school, and was teased by some of the kids on my estate too)

I think you have to ask yourself whether perhaps you are being a reverse snob here. You love the area, so it’s just the people. Has anyone made you feel uncomfortable, or is it perhaps you who is judging them? Do you feel uncomfortable with people who aren’t exactly the same as you? Are you friendly to everyone, or just to people who remind you of you?

I ask because I live in a cliched middle class area (tho I have a very mixed background, originally from rough area etc). The school mum group is super friendly and was never cliquey... Until a mum from a very rough area moved in. She pounced on the three mums with a similar accent to hers, if we try to chat to then now she interrupand sometimes physically drags them away, she literally blanks the rest of us even if you speak to her directly, and formed a little club of her own that makes fun of the ‘posh mums’ on facebook etc etc. From the stuff she posts, she thinks we are all posh and up ourselves - but the only person being weird about ‘class’ is her 🤷‍♀️

@Skysblue

I think you have to ask yourself whether perhaps you are being a reverse snob here. You love the area, so it’s just the people. Has anyone made you feel uncomfortable, or is it perhaps you who is judging them? Do you feel uncomfortable with people who aren’t exactly the same as you? Are you friendly to everyone, or just to people who remind you of you?

I ask because I live in a cliched middle class area (tho I have a very mixed background, originally from rough area etc). The school mum group is super friendly and was never cliquey... Until a mum from a very rough area moved in. She pounced on the three mums with a similar accent to hers, if we try to chat to then now she interrupand sometimes physically drags them away, she literally blanks the rest of us even if you speak to her directly, and formed a little club of her own that makes fun of the ‘posh mums’ on facebook etc etc. From the stuff she posts, she thinks we are all posh and up ourselves - but the only person being weird about ‘class’ is her 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I think or see of it like that. I was bullied all the way through as school. That sounds very bitchy reminds me of mean girls if im honest I'm quite easy to distance myself away from people who treat other people that way.

I can 100% agree I wouldn't fit in where we grew up either.

I think I worry how I'm perceived when I shouldn't be.

@Skysblue

I think you have to ask yourself whether perhaps you are being a reverse snob here. You love the area, so it’s just the people. Has anyone made you feel uncomfortable, or is it perhaps you who is judging them? Do you feel uncomfortable with people who aren’t exactly the same as you? Are you friendly to everyone, or just to people who remind you of you?

I ask because I live in a cliched middle class area (tho I have a very mixed background, originally from rough area etc). The school mum group is super friendly and was never cliquey... Until a mum from a very rough area moved in. She pounced on the three mums with a similar accent to hers, if we try to chat to then now she interrupand sometimes physically drags them away, she literally blanks the rest of us even if you speak to her directly, and formed a little club of her own that makes fun of the ‘posh mums’ on facebook etc etc. From the stuff she posts, she thinks we are all posh and up ourselves - but the only person being weird about ‘class’ is her 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I think or see of it like that. I was bullied all the way through as school. That sounds very bitchy reminds me of mean girls if im honest I'm quite easy to distance myself away from people who treat other people that way.

I can 100% agree I wouldn't fit in where we grew up either.

I think I worry how I'm perceived when I shouldn't be.

I genuinely mean this in the nicest possible way: no one else is going to care. You’re worried about something that hasn’t and isn’t ever likely to happen. Enjoy your house and make friends, you’re going to be the only one worried about this, no one else is going to be having a massive struggle on whether to like you or not because you didn’t grow up in a similar area! And if anyone did they’d be mental and no one would like them.

We do need tp acknowledge that te class sytem does still exist in the UK however. Traditionally the lower classes were considered inferier and looked down upon. To deny that would be wrong.
There are still remnants at that attitude, people from poorer areas, those with speech styles that indicate working class backgrounds are still looked down upon.
How many of us try to speak with a " more refined" accent when in job inerviews or speaking to teachers- because judgement still exists. I have personally witnessed it .
To deny it would be disingenuous and unfair ro those of us who have been at the recieving end.

To tell the OP that it is all in her head is wrong. Snobbery and class judgement exist.

I suppose that I am traditionally "upper class" by birth not by my life choices but wherever I've lived it's been mixed.
In Glastonbury where I live now you've got a range of people all living together in peace, it's a very alternative area where everyone just gets on and are very spiritial, whereas Brighton where I lived before is full of the biggest snobs I've ever met, of course friendly towards me but I despised them for their views on the working class and awful attitude. Give me working class neighbours any day.
Just enjoy where you live, don't worry about what other people are doing.

You can't change the fact that some will judge you for being from a certain place, a certain class, speaking a certain way.

My OH is teetering on upper class- Duke and Duchess close relatives. He went to very posh boarding school, his family are all very grand.
As I said before I am from a huge rough council estate. My grandparents were labourers/miners. The way I spoke as a child would not have been understood by most people outside the area.

I am no less proud of who I am and my roots. If my OHs family ask questions I am unflinching, I hold my head high.
I know they respect me because I believe in myself. They seek out my company and ask my advice, they phone me when they need help and feelng low. These are good people who value me as another human being.

Because I value myself.
And that is where you can find the fulcrum OP.
Anyone who judges you is not worth knowing and probably having a sad life.
Dig your feet in the earth- you have as much right to occupy a place on this planet as anyone.

People do pretend to be something they are not though.
I worked for a very "grand" man who had been through top private schools and university, upper class accent. I ran into him and his mother once in the street, he looked really uncomfortable, as soon as she opened her mouth to say hell Eliza Doolittle came out.
Everything about him was fake
Just be yourself.

OP, please try not to worry about this. Many of your neighbours will have come from similar circumstances. Until the late 1980s, a third of the population lived in social housing and it was nothing to be ashamed of or sneered at then, quite rightly. Make some friends, get involved in some local things to help you do so. It's hard to remember now that we've had years of divisive politics brainwashing us to hate one another but most people are well intentioned and happy to get along with others without asking for a cv on upbringing. Enjoy what you've rightfully earned in life. You really are as good as anyone else and probably better than many.

I agree class issues persist, I have a mixed class background and I sometimes feel quite confused.

I think you sound like you need to be accepted to enjoy what you have. But this isn't school, they can't bully you and you own what you have. Try not to care what they think of you, most of them are far too busy worrying about themselves to think about you.

I have to say though, I have looked at houses in 'naicer' areas and I didn't do it, I know it was me judging them but I just thought there was a high risk I would get invited to a street party.