Aibu to think I'm to 'common' to live in this area

[wingingit987]

Hi

Myself and my partner moved into our house 4 (hes owned it for about 10 yrs but rented it till we moved in) years ago the house is worth a decent amount in a really nice area. It's a stunning place to live schools are great. I really do love it.

But....

I don't feel like we fit in here. Neither of us have been to uni well I did but never completed it we are a working class family my partner earns decent money and my wage is average part time but I work hard.

We live 15 mins away from where we grew up on estates but and I constantly find myself looking on Rightmove at houses there not because I want to move back but because I feel like we just don't fit in and will it get worse as my son gets older.

Aibu to feel like this? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

Xx

I can kind of understand, I live in a very naice part of London. My DC go to private school. The other parents are all lovely but all seem to be so worldly - international, have lived and worked abroad, have interesting anecdotes.
I grew up a few miles away in a much less naice area and my parents still live there. My accent is decidedly Laarndan. I feel I am viewed differently because of it - I haven't been anywhere or done anything and my job isn't very glamorous either.
It is completely down to my own self esteem, no one has given me reason to think this.

I understand why you may feel this way but honestly don't. You paid for the house so you deserve to be there as much as the next person.

There is no such thing as “fitting in” in this context op. Everyone who lives there will have a different diverse back ground. You cannot judge them without knowing them and decide who and what they are. And you will not know them all. You’re making value judgements on who they are without knowing them.

There is no area that exists where everyone is the same. In high end homes some folks will have grown up poor and made it. In council estates some folks will have grown up rich and made it.

Every single person is an indivdidual, the one thing you all have in common is you all live in a given area that is within your families budget. Your kids might go to the same schools. That’s it, where everyone grew up, their story, will be different by every person.

This is about your perception, your insecurity, lack of self esteem, lack of confidence.

I grew up poor and live in a nice home, with a high value, do I fit in, of course I do, because I live here. There is no other criteria for me to fulfil.

Honestly, the whole university professional job thing is a bit of a con, it’s basically a society wide pyramid scheme. Anyone who believes that being a corporate slave with an undergrad makes you better than any other kind of working class person is pretty thick. I say this as someone who has ticked all those boxes. I doubt your neighbours are so duped by the system that they’d look down on you. You have to understand that when you look down on it all from the top you realise that everyone is the same, you’re just acting on a mistaken assumption that there’s something more to wealthier/educated people. There isn’t, 95% of people are basically in the same position, some of them just work in nicer factories producing accounts and litigation correspondence rather than car parts or whatever. I really doubt that any of them care what you do for a living or what qualifications you have.

Would you prefer an area where they sell naice popcorn ham?

I think it’s more to do with your self esteem, I grew up in a council house working class family, I now live among some snobs, a few who think their shit doesn’t stink, but I’ve never felt I don’t belong here, I just actually feel very sorry for these few that actually feel they are in a higher calibre than the rest of us, it amuses me,

Also remember, you don’t have to ‘fit in’. At the risk of sounding trite, be yourself. Most people don’t care about other people’s backgrounds. They like to be friends with people who bring something to their lives - people who are authentic, kind, and have something interesting to say is far more important than where you grew up.

Whereas Brighton where I lived before is full of the biggest snobs I've ever met

I grew up and still live in Brighton and haven't found this at all (and If people ask me where I grew up I tell them and they know what that bit of Brighton is like). We used to live on the South Croydon/Surrey border and found it much more snobby...I guess there's snobs and 'not snobs' in any town and there's a lot of luck involved in who you meet.

Off Mumsnet I think I’m clinically insane the way my brain never stops. Come on Mumsnet and start to wonder if I’m brain dead compared to people on here. Why on earth would you need to “fit in” to a road?
I could have a King living one side and a tramp on the other and I’d still just reason we were all here because this was the level of housing we can afford.

Surely you’re all sitting on the same rung of the ladder at the moment? The fact somebody has a posher voice or family is irrelevant isn’t it?

In fact, I’d say you’re doing better as you’ve had further to climb.

Forget about this class nonsense and enjoy your success.

I think it’s a fairly typical feeling if you are lucky enough/hardworking enough to progress in life whether it’s educationally or financially or residentially. You are suffering from imposter syndrome, when you feel you don’t deserve what you have and and that people are going to find you out.

I felt the same way when I embarked on an MSc at 50. That everyone else was cleverer than me and they would realise I was just a kid from a comp who scraped 5 O levels and didn’t belong there. I eventually graduated with a distinction. When we moved to our current beautiful home my DH would regularly have nightmares that we couldn’t afford the mortgage and were being repossessed. These only stopped when we paid the mortgage off. We are now reasonably well off and have the nice house, the nice car, help in the house and garden etc. We are living at a level we couldn’t have imagined as youngsters raised in council houses. I am sure some of the younger people who have moved into the road since then and are driving old bangers and cutting their own grass think we are judging them but they couldn’t be further from the truth. We see our younger selves in them and wish them well.

You belong where you are as much as anyone else. Your neighbours will take your presence for granted. If you have DC it will be their home and they will take it for granted. Try to relax and enjoy what you have achieved together.

You say there are good schools and other good things about where you live: those things seem far more important than social aspects / your thoughts and feelings about ‘fitting in’.

You say your DP and not DH, and that it’s your DP’s house - working part time (not full time) seems risky in those circumstances, eg at present you and your DC have little financial or housing security.

I grew up very poor and have managed to find my way into the middle class as an adult. I remember feeling exactly like you at the start. But as PP's have said, the issue is with you, not the area. You have hang ups about your upbringing/your self and you need to let that stuff go. You live there because your family can afford to, just like everyone else who is there. You have as much right to be there as anyone else.

It will take some time but you will get used to it. Every now and again you will encounter an arsehole who enjoys sniffing you out as "council estate" but I have found that those people are in the minority. Most people really don't care that much.

I live in an area where nearly everyone (or their partner) is a stockbroker, banker, in finance, medicine or law.
Neither me or DH went to uni, and earn very average salaries.
But I like the area and have made really good friends, DC are happy at school and also have good friends.
It's only when people mention their (multiple) holidays and spending habits that we feel like we're in a parallel universe! (But if I lived somewhere else and still came on MN I would still feel like that!😂)

Both husband and myself are considered professionals and we both went to uni. There’s no way I would base my opinions of people who have gone to uni or not! I have friends from all walks of life so I don’t think anyone is judging u at all. I know it’s hard getting these thoughts out of your head.

I wouldn't worry OP. And try not to think of 'class', most people don't even see it as 'thing' anymore (at least where I live)

I think you need to remove the chip from your shoulder.

You live your own life and your husband does too; there's more to you than where you live. Unless you are in a very tight community, it shouldn't be a problem.

Just be yourselves.

This isn't about the area you live in, this is about your self-esteem.

This ^. Start working on your self esteem and it will all fall into place. Enjoy.