Terrified they’re going to take my baby away

[Scaredmum1995]

I messed up today. I’ve been struggling so badly with intrusive thoughts since having my baby 12 weeks ago. They’re overwhelming and I’m struggling to cope with them. They’re absolutely horrible thoughts about my baby. I love him to death and would never, ever hurt him but these thoughts make me feel like a monster and like
I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve been coping alone with the support of DP because I’ve been scared to tell anyone. I called my health visitor today to ask her about some bleeding and instead for some reason just started talking about my mental health, and broke down telling her about my intrusive thoughts. Because I was such a mess I don’t think it came out right. She asked me if I felt like I would hurt my baby and I said no, never. She said she wanted to get me help and suggested contacting child services for family support. I said are you going to report me to social services and she said no. But when I asked if my baby would be taken away she answered not right now, but we need to get you some help to stop it escalating. She said she’d heard from other women with intrusive thoughts but not the type I have before which scares me more. I ended up getting off the phone and running up to my partner crying and saying they were going to take him away. My partner called the health visitor who said my baby wouldn’t be taken away and she’s not concerned about him, and even joked that she didn’t have time to be concerned about him because she had children she actually was worried about. She said that I really needed some help to stop me from getting worse. I asked her again about social services and she said again she wouldn’t be reporting me, but again said about child services. When I calmed down I said I didn’t want to be referred to child services and she said she couldn’t without my permission. She said she would contact another health visitor to see what help I can get. She said she would need to put the intrusive thoughts down on my notes but said she wouldn’t put the nature of them. I said I would look for some private CBT and talk to my psychiatrist and she said that sounded like a good idea. She was really nice. But I’m terrified that she was lying and she’s going to call SS on me and my baby is going to be taken away. That I’m going to get a letter or someone is going to turn up at my door. I keep imagining my baby in care. I can’t stop crying, I’m so scared

Without knowing what exactly the conversation was, I don’t want to promise you anything but it doesn’t sound like anyone is going to take your baby away.

Is this a regular psychiatrist? Have you made an appointment?

I’m sure someone will be along here soon to advise how social services works but the fact the HV was joking with your DP and reiterated several times that no one was going to take your baby is a good indication.

They will not take your baby away. My friend had very severe psychosis after having her baby and she wanted them to take her baby away. She was very upset when they said they always keep mother and baby together otherwise it could damage the bond further.
You must be very frightened, I really wish you all the best in getting better.

Child services take children away as a last resort, what they do more often is offer support and signpost to appropriate professionals to get the parents help.

Sounds really scary - I think you getting help has to be absolutely priority 1 here, for your baby too. I dont know anything about this but I would imagine you being willing to get help would be looked upon favourably?

What are the nature of your intrusive thoughts? Is it something your partner or HV can help talk through with you?

Like the PP said - children are taken away as a last resort. You need help, which you've admitted and they'll be able to help you.

I wish you the best with your mental health, it's a tough journey but realising there's a problem is a massive step.

It does sound as if she was trying her best to help, and equally it sounds as if you need some help.
I hope that you get help, your MH improves, you find yourself on a more even keel and start to enjoy your first months with the baby.

Poor you. What you're going through must be so hard. I can't promise anything either but I really don't think anyone is going to try to take your baby away. You may need some help to get well though. I hope you feel better soon.

Hi! Look up post partum OCD. This sort of thing is really common in new mums and health visitors SHOULD be aware of it. If they don’t, telling them about post partum OCD may help.

You don’t want to harm your child, it’s likely that it’s just your amygdala going into overdrive because your brain is so desperate to protect your child. You’re a good mum and these sort of intrusive thoughts happen to nearly every new mum, it’s just that you’re getting more of them, and you are brave enough to discuss them xxxx

Intrusive thoughts are really common. It’s your brain playing tricks on you.

I had them years ago and was very disturbed by it so told my therapist at the time. She said to me that the people who have them are those who are the least likely to act on them! In some ways I think that’s true - your brain comes up with the most shocking things it can. Once you understand that, it takes a lot of the power away. It’s not at all the same as psychosis or delusions.

What kind of intrusive thoughts OP? I expect they’re more common than you think. I had some.

I think they’re often about your brain trying to understand the possibilities for danger and going into into overdrive to warn you. That’s certainly what it was for me. But it’s very frightening.

Sweetheart. Hang in there. Its very hard with a new baby. It's a haze of emotion, tiredness, guilt and all else. Your thoughts will be managed. You are amazing for saying this, thats a really good thing to do. Now you can get help. You have put your baby first and thats so great. Of course it is fearful. In a few days things will have calmed down, you have a plan, you will have help and your DP is there too. I promise you will be fine. X

Actively seeking help when you can feel a problem developing is a good thing. Please do make an appointment with your psychiatrist.

They won’t take your baby unless there’s no other way to keep them safe - your partner is a safe, supportive person so even if you were a danger to your baby (and you’re clear that isn’t the case), he would be a massive protective factor in terms of being able to safeguard your little one. On balance there would be no merit in removing your baby and given the harmful impact of taking children in to care, professionals won’t do it unless they have no choice.

Try to allow yourself to get better, you deserve to be in good health and your baby needs you well.

Intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic which means they go against your core beliefs and values. So if you have violent intrusive thoughts and they make you feel dreadful, you’re probably a gentle person. They are your brains way of forcing you to look at worst case terrible scenarios. You’ll benefit from cbt which you should be able to access through the nhs and fairly quickly as you are in your post partum period. But remember these are thoughts NOT urges or impulses or psychosis.

I guess it depends what you said those thoughts were. I've had horrendous PND and child services were never mentioned. Guess she is covering her back with safeguarding. Is child services not social services?

I’d also suggest, gently, that the thoughts that your baby might be taken away is just another manifestation of intrusive thoughts - symptomatic of how you’re feeling just now but not based in fact.

Ah OP, take a squeeze. Nobody is going to take your baby and you did the right thing in talking.

It's more common than you think how you're feeling. Like a sort of OCD due to hormonal changes and newness of this little thing that totally depends on you.

Learn about it and it should take away some of its power and hold on you. Try not to let these thoughts of losing your baby consume you. It's very unlikely.

Oh you poor thing, that's really hard. You did the right thing telling you hv, and your husband. Your hv has to check you have no intention of harming your baby and I would be worried if she hadn't asked the question. It sounds like she is going to see what support can be offered and she will probably want to come see you again - please allow her to, hvs really arent baby snatchers, they want to support families to give babies the best upbringing they can.

Intrusive thoughts can be horrific and frightening but they're not your fault and there will be avenues of support for you - it's a really good idea that you're going to look into private but I would also accept a referral to NHS services if offered. Although I absolutely understand your concern about your baby being taken, this anxiety is probably heightened by your mental health at present. Is dh supportive of you? Are you looking after yourself as well as little one? Eating properly and getting sleep where you can?

This is just a small time in your motherhood journey and it will pass with help - maybe not completely resolve but it will be more manageable.

Look up post partum OCD

This. I struggled with OCD prior to pregnancy and then I had PP OCD, terrible intrusive thoughts and huge levels of anxiety. Sleep deprivation didn't help.

There is help available. You have told your HV. Tell your GP. Nobody is going to take your baby away.

I think possibly she hasn't explained very well.

Child services do a lot of things, not just removing children who are in danger from their parents. That is one of their roles, but it is a very small part of their job. They would like to keep as many children/babies with their parents as possible and they would like to work with you to help you stop having these thoughts as they must be very distressing. Family support is a part of child services which can offer advice about available services or support in the home or whatever would be useful.

Having thoughts does not mean that you would harm your baby in real life. Professionals who can support you know and understand this but also know that the thoughts are very distressing.

Do speak to your psychiatrist - do you have one? If not I would make an emergency GP appointment tomorrow and ask about that, as medication can be helpful in this instance (there are plenty which are safe for breastfeeding, if that's a worry).

Phone your GP tomorrow (or get DH to do it) and explain what's been going on. I'm amazed the health visitor didn't tell you to do that?

It’s a real positive thing that you talked about it. The HV will have to do something with the information you’ve given but what they’ll want to do is provide support, not take your baby away.

You can’t carry on like this, you need help and support.

I had psychosis after my first baby. It got quite bad. I thought everyone else would hurt her and I had to protect her from everyone. I went to the docs at 13 weeks and was also terrified they would take her from me. I was reassured that they do everything and anything to ensure babies stay with Mothers. They will try lots of things before even getting to the point of a mother and baby staying somewhere together to get help. I remember the utter fear that they would take my baby, and I was so scared of that I refused referrals too, and I even refused CBT. I didnt want them to know how bad I was. Try to engage with them. Psychosis like this is more common than you think. People don't speak about it openly. They will try to help

I’m a social worker. When they talk about Children’s Services they mean a range of resources and professionals who work with and for children and their families to support them through difficult times.

They are offering support for you, things to help you, because they want to keep you & your baby safe, well and happy at home together.

If they come to assess you they should explain what they intend to consider and then do, so you understand the purpose of the assessment. It might ask questions that scare you but they have to check just exactly what’s happening, of course, to keep your baby & you as safe as possible.

I would call again tomorrow and ask what they mean so you understand what you are saying no to, or what you can accept. Nobody wants to take your baby away and the ONLY time they would do that was if your baby was at risk of harm. If your DH is there to support you both and you are saying you don’t want to then that will reassure them that baby is well cared for. But you might find the help useful so I would urge you to rethink.

I hope you feel better soon & can enjoy your baby without this worry. It sounds awful for you and your partner. Do you have friends you can ask for help? Do consider it...

OP I just want you to be clear that intrusive thoughts are not hallucinations, psychosis, delusions or impulses. They are THOUGHTS and they have no power over you except making you feel terrible.