Terrified they’re going to take my baby away

[Scaredmum1995]

I messed up today. I’ve been struggling so badly with intrusive thoughts since having my baby 12 weeks ago. They’re overwhelming and I’m struggling to cope with them. They’re absolutely horrible thoughts about my baby. I love him to death and would never, ever hurt him but these thoughts make me feel like a monster and like
I don’t deserve to be here. I’ve been coping alone with the support of DP because I’ve been scared to tell anyone. I called my health visitor today to ask her about some bleeding and instead for some reason just started talking about my mental health, and broke down telling her about my intrusive thoughts. Because I was such a mess I don’t think it came out right. She asked me if I felt like I would hurt my baby and I said no, never. She said she wanted to get me help and suggested contacting child services for family support. I said are you going to report me to social services and she said no. But when I asked if my baby would be taken away she answered not right now, but we need to get you some help to stop it escalating. She said she’d heard from other women with intrusive thoughts but not the type I have before which scares me more. I ended up getting off the phone and running up to my partner crying and saying they were going to take him away. My partner called the health visitor who said my baby wouldn’t be taken away and she’s not concerned about him, and even joked that she didn’t have time to be concerned about him because she had children she actually was worried about. She said that I really needed some help to stop me from getting worse. I asked her again about social services and she said again she wouldn’t be reporting me, but again said about child services. When I calmed down I said I didn’t want to be referred to child services and she said she couldn’t without my permission. She said she would contact another health visitor to see what help I can get. She said she would need to put the intrusive thoughts down on my notes but said she wouldn’t put the nature of them. I said I would look for some private CBT and talk to my psychiatrist and she said that sounded like a good idea. She was really nice. But I’m terrified that she was lying and she’s going to call SS on me and my baby is going to be taken away. That I’m going to get a letter or someone is going to turn up at my door. I keep imagining my baby in care. I can’t stop crying, I’m so scared

I had unspeakable intrusive thoughts with my first born. So distressing. It passed. All was well. Hang in there. Try not to panic. Accept help.

One good thing to do is try to get a referral to perinatal mental health. They have specialist nurses both in the community and also some areas have units where you can be admitted with your baby if they feel that’s the right course of action. Your GP should be able to refer you

I honestly don't think this will happen. As I understand it (and I work in the family courts so I have some knowledge but not an expert) the aim of social services is always to keep a child with their parents if at all possible. This is generally best for the child and (the cynic in me says) the cheapest option by far.

You aren't a danger to your baby (it doesn't sound like), you've done nothing to harm them. You have a DH who can care for him if you need to go to hospital or anything.

Asking for help was the right thing to do. If any referrals are made (and I don't think they will be) then this will be in your favour. Social services are there to help people in tricky situations to cope rather than just taking babies. Please try not to worry yourself too much (I'm a worrier so I get it). Xxx

Intrusive thoughts are quite common, it's a shame more people don't talk about them.

In my area, and I understand many areas, Childrens Services are not Social Workers/Social Services. They are a department which help families who are struggling and can signpost families where to get extra help (websites, organisations etc) and work with you to see what support they can offer if you would like support. Please don't feel that they want to take your baby away, that would be an absolute last resort.

Congratulations on your new baby and well done for speaking to the HV.

Am so sorry you're going through this. Definitely call your gp. There is help available.

I thought one of mine would be taken away from me. Severe PND. I can still clearly remember the panic and fear. It was horrible. Hang in there.

I was going to say OCD but someone beat me to it.

Whilst no one can promise they won't take your baby away it is highly unlikely. First of all you are seeking help which is great, maybe have a chat with a supportive GP too. Secondly, you sound like you have a supportive partner who will be helping to care for you and your baby. Also, the symptoms you describe can be caused by post party depression or potentially post partum psychosis. This is often triggered by the birth and change in hormones and is an illness. Therefore, these thoughts are not permanent and with the right help you will come through this. Please don't panic and do reach out if you feel things are worsening.

I think I know the kind of intrusive thoughts you're talking about OP. I don't have children but I have OCD and have in the past had intrusive thoughts about children in my family (among other things.)

I felt like the worst person in the world and was terrified of myself. But what helped me was realising that this is actually quite common and in fact the people who get intrusive thoughts are the ones least likely to ever act on them. That's how intrusive thoughts work, and if you were a bad person you wouldn't be worried about it like you are. It also helped me to know that I wasn't having these thoughts because I'm a bad person, but because of my mental illness.

I joined a support group and learned from others that this is type of OCD is often triggered by having a baby, because you are now responsible for this new being and your mental illness is making you think of the worst possible scenarios.

I just wanted to give you a handhold OP. Please seek help from your GP. And don't be afraid to tell them exactly what these thoughts are. I know saying it out loud sounds awful but these are professionals, it will not be the first time they've heard this and they will be able to help you.

Best of luck OP

It's alright. They're not going to take your baby away. They just want to help you feel better x

The midwife was trying to be light hearted. She meant no way, that's so far down the road it's incredibly unlikely to happen, and there would be so many interventions and so much help it could never get to that stage. Unfortunately she didn't word it well and that was her error. You'll be fine, you sound like a lovely mum. But you could probably do with a helping hand which is what they want to offer. X (ps this message is NOT a platitude. It's what I genuinely think.)

It is a great sign that you have asked for help tbh, they only take babies away as an absolute last resort and it is more likely to happen with people who don't engage with help offered. They won't take yours. You're still on the emotional and hormonal roller coaster of birth. They can help with that. Good luck.

Thank you everyone. The thing is now that I’ve told her the thoughts have suddenly stopped. Most likely because the anxiety from this has taken over but I am suddenly realising how stupid I am for thinking I could be any of the horrible things my brain says. He is my world. I couldn’t live without him and the thought of him being hurt makes me sick.

Children’s social care don’t take children away unless there is no alternative. They are also hugely encouraged when parents are receptive to support and help. I don’t think anyone on here can given you an assurance that your baby won’t be taken away, but the best thing you can do is co operate with all the services, and access all the support you can. They don’t need your permission to share information if there are child protection concerns. They have to do what’s best for the child. Wishing you all the best in recovering quickly.

I clicked YANBU because I didn't want to dismiss your thoughts, but they really are just that. They're thoughts and not you.

You’re very vulnerable when your like this & not likely to act on the thoughts.

Dhs intrusive thoughts focussed on me and he told the dr but she didn’t bat an eyelid. They’ve heard it all before.

If the worst came to the worst they’d admit you to a mother and baby unit and you’d be together.

It sounds like your HV is wanting to refer you from support from someone possibly based at a children’s centre, she would need your consent to refer to social care and has told you that wasn’t what she was doing. It is confusing because so many services have similar names.
It sounds like she’s being supportive and believe me removal of children is very much a last resort.
The best thing you can do is contact your psychiatrist and engage with what support is being offered.
Good luck and well done on speaking up

This is perinatal OCD. You need help and possibly medication to get the thoughts under control, but you absolutely 100% are not a monster and are not at risk of abusing your child. Take it from one perinatal OCD survivor, social services won’t be in the least bit interested even if you are referred. You absolutely will not have your baby taken off you for experiencing OCD, though your health visitor sounds like she doesn’t realise it’s the community psychiatric nurse you should be referred to and not child services

They might have stopped because you've told someone in a professional capacity. Part of their hold over you was you holding it in.

Try not to worry about social services though, easy to say hard to do. The fact that you recognise the problem and are seeking help is massively in your favour. They normally have enough on their plate with parents in denial or resisting any sort of intervention.

Well done you for speaking up in the first place. I'm disappointed that the person you spoke to wasnt more clued up on it. To hear a professional say they've heard women had intrusive thoughts but none like yours...that would have sent me into a total meltdown when I was in your boat. My unwell mind would have jumped to the extreme- no one else is as bad as me, I shouldn't be a mum etc etc. The important thing to remember is, as others have said, these are THOUGHTS. The fact you are so disgusted by them is actually positive. My therapist had to tell me repeatedly that it was a sign of my gentleness.

It helped me to know this: random thoughts are constantly flying around our brains and if theres potential danger around then you might have thoughts relating to potential danger...common ones include standing at a train station and having a thought of somehow going on the track/ jumping off a balcony etc. Healthy ppl have these thoughts but they are fleeting and let them go. It's a subconscious way of assessing danger. When you have OCD your brain grabs on to those thoughts and attaches significance to them. You panic, assume the fact you're thinking them means you are a danger and because you react so strongly, your brain will remember it and it becomes a cycle. One of my obsessions was that I would decline into full blown psychosis. The fear was horrendous and life was one long panic attack for a long time.

I now understand that my intrusive thoughts were centred on the huge sense of responsibility I felt for my child and wanting to get it right. They are so vulnerable and that is terrifying to a new mum. Add hormones into the mix and it can get very scary.

In looking for a therapist try to find one that specialises in ocd and cbt. For me, the structure of cbt worked well- I was so desperate to do something to improve the situation. My therapist was really reassuring and knew her stuff about ocd. I spent over a year with her. Once I had come out of the worst of it, I found I was traumatised and my confidence had gone. I needed help to get over it.

Keep going. It's about finding the right people and even if you need more help, you can go to a mother and baby unit for support. They wont take your baby away. You can do this x

@TicketToTheWrongFilm

Intrusive thoughts are really common. It’s your brain playing tricks on you.

I had them years ago and was very disturbed by it so told my therapist at the time. She said to me that the people who have them are those who are the least likely to act on them! In some ways I think that’s true - your brain comes up with the most shocking things it can. Once you understand that, it takes a lot of the power away. It’s not at all the same as psychosis or delusions.

I was told similar when I was going through the process to get counselling for PND and PN-anxiety. That the thoughts in themselves were kind of my brain's way of blowing off steam and playing out ridiculously inappropriate solutions to problems and it was only when they became thoughts with any impetus to act on them that it was time to worry (and I was very able to differentiate between them). Kind of like sitting at work on a pissing wet Friday afternoon considering jacking it in and going off round the world without any actual intention of doing so.

I know a LOT of women who've had severe post natal mental health problems and haven't lost their babies - at the worst they've been admitted to a mother and baby unit WITH their child - especially if they've been trying to access support and engaging with services. Easy to say, and as someone whose mental health issues did tend to fixate on fear of social services, I do get it - but you are not sounding at any risk of that.

@Buzzfrightyears wow that’s a fantastic explanation, thank you.

OP, you will be fine, try not to worry

Oh I feel for you, I had intrusive thoughts with both of my babies but a lot worse with my youngest. They were so bad I couldn't ever write them down or tell anyone but I did get help and no one took my babies away (they are 11 and 6 now).

Please trust the HV when she says that no one will take your baby and speak to your Gp or psychiatrist to get some help.

I really hope you start to feel better soon x

Post natal anxiety/ OCD survivor here OP! Hello lovely.

First things first.
You’re not a danger to your baby.
Lots of good explanation as to why this is upthread. And do you want to hear something amazing? There is pretty much 0 evidence of any mother with this condition ever acting on these thoughts.

I imagine your OCD is doing some wild flips now to keep you locked in the cycle- maybe you’re thinking “but what if they’re wrong and there’s something different about me?” Or maybe you’re thinking “what if I’m the exception to the rule?”

Kindly- you’re not. You’re like millions of us that struggle with this condition every day. You’re not alone.

I’m not going to list the types of thoughts I had as it can be triggering- but suffice to say, they were hideous to me. And they drove me to edge of sanity.

I managed to recover with weekly therapy over 2.5 years to address the root causes, and although I have occasional issues now, they’re well managed. No medication- though many find meds helpful.

Speak to your GP. Make sure you see a good therapist with experience of PPA and OCD. Make sure that your midwife understands the difference between PPA and PPP (psychosis)- honestly, some general midwives don’t. A perinatal or mental health trained midwife will.

And remember- you are a safe, loving mother, and this he’ll you’re going through- I promise it will get better.

Things that help:

• talking about it
• getting enough sleep
• hormones levelling off
• eating properly
• exercise and fresh air
• talk about it some more

Sending you love and strength

Hi! I just wanted to say.... you’ll be okay. You obviously care a lot and the emotions and tiredness of having a baby can be horrendous.... people don’t tend to talk about how awful and lonely it can be. I think it can be common, you’re not alone.... you will be okay. ❤️

Thank you everyone. You’ve really reassured me and helped calm me down. I hope everything will be okay. My baby is the happiest little boy, everyone says so, and the HV could hear him making cute happy noises on the phone which she commented on. I hope she knows I would never hurt him.

And you didn't mess up. You took the first steps towards getting better.