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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours child

46 replies

Ch33s3pizza · 07/07/2020 13:19

A new neighbour has moved in next door and my DS knows the boy already. I was concerned about them moving in as I really didn’t want to be living in their pockets or permanently having their boy at ours or vice versa.

Anyway turns out it’s the complete opposite. This boy obviously has some issues. Maybe Aspergers or Autism? Very socially awkward etc but my boy really enjoys his company. However when he try’s to talk to him, he gets completely blanked. The other boy just does not interact with anyone. My boy is now getting upset as he doesn’t understand why they don’t play together or gets ignored etc.

We have another friend who’s son has severe autism but as it’s common knowledge I can talk to my son about it and explain

He has played at my house in the past and he was much better when he was without his parents. Less awkward but now they are next door his parents are always there (obviously!)

AIBU as I am now getting a bit annoyed as my sons upset and I can’t really explain why he’s getting ignored as it’s not common knowledge that there is a problem. I don’t even know if he has a diagnosed problem but there is definitely something not right?

What should I do?

They are 7/8 year olds

OP posts:
Picklypickles · 07/07/2020 13:27

Well I'm not sure what you can do really other than just accept that for whatever reason, this boy isn't very sociable and leave him to it.

TokyoSushi · 07/07/2020 13:29

Exactly what @Picklypickles said!

maggieryan · 07/07/2020 13:30

I would just tell your son the boy doesnt want to play and set him up with other playdates.

rachelfrost · 07/07/2020 13:31

If you’re sure the other boy doesn’t want to play with your son and isn’t just quiet then teach your son consent: the kid doesn’t want to play with him so leave him alone.

Also: not everyone who acts in expectedly is ASD

FudgeBrownie2019 · 07/07/2020 13:32

Just be open with your son that some people don't enjoy the company of others. Make sure he knows it's not about him, it's just personalities, and that he can still always smile when he sees him.

AntiHop · 07/07/2020 13:33

I don't see the problem. Explain to your child that different people interact in different ways.

Original poster
Ch33s3pizza · 07/07/2020 13:33

How do I explain it to my son? How do I explain this other boys rudeness. I don’t believe he is being rude but it’s difficult to explain to a 7 year old why he’s just getting completely blanked even though we are talking to this boy and he just does not respond to either of us. Just turns his back and stares into space.

I don’t want to appear rude or ignorant to anyone

OP posts:
heartsonacake · 07/07/2020 13:34

You just explain to your son that the boy doesn’t always want to play, and if he continues to ask questions let him know it’s rude to pry into other people’s business and that they’re allowed their privacy.

Of course reassure him the boy is still his friend, he’s just very private.

Original poster
Ch33s3pizza · 07/07/2020 13:34

Sorry a cross over of messages!

OP posts:
therewerefour · 07/07/2020 13:34

Have you asked the parents if their DS would like to come round for a play one day? Maybe open a conversation with them and let them know your DS wants to be friends.

rachelfrost · 07/07/2020 13:35

You didn’t tell or show the kids parents that you didn’t want the kid moving next door incase he played with your son too much so he’s been warned off?

Welcometothe36to40Box · 07/07/2020 13:40

Brace yourself OP, I posted a very very similar thread about neighbour's kids sometimes ignore my child with ASD and I was ripped to shreds! My child was accused of 'harassing' the neighbour's kids (that accusation was made the very moment I mentioned that my child is younger!) and how do I know they're not autistic too?!?

It was HORRENDOUS!!!!!!

It will be interesting to see how this thread goes when the child with autism is the one doing the blanking 🤔

Don your metal hat OP! ☺️

Biscoffscoff · 07/07/2020 13:40

You could ask the parents about it without needing to mention anything about possible labels. Just something like 'i think my son is very keen to be friends with your son and I'm not sure it's reciprocated, is he dealing with it ok or do you want me to say anything to him?

If they don't want to share they don't have to, but at least then they know you're approachable if it becomes an issue, gives them an opt out (eg 'he's shy/isn't looking for a new friend) or a chance to support if say, the child would like a friend but communicates differently.

BeeFarseer · 07/07/2020 13:41

The issue here is your attitude towards it. You are thinking about it as 'rudeness' and 'getting a bit annoyed' about it.

I suspect my comment won't be welcomed, but this is classic ableism - it's all about how uncomfortable YOU are because you can't accept this boy's behaviour.

No-one owes you their medical history. It doesn't matter if you ever find out whether this boy has autism or 'definitely something not right'.

Treat this simply. Explain to your son that this boy doesn't want to talk to him and it's not because your son has done anything wrong. Tell him that some people find talking to others and making friends hard, and that's ok. It's also ok for your son to be sad about it.

Gamble66 · 07/07/2020 13:43

How does your son know him? If you or your son have never noticed this behaviour before I wonder what your son and his relationship was like before they moved next door? Frankly he could be rude, autistic or just not like your son - you need to explore thier behaviour towards each other to find an explanation. I don't know if it's how you write but your attitude sounds as if you see them as almost the help in a weird way - worried they would expect too much, now worried they are not interacting enough, they are neighbours nothing more.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 07/07/2020 13:49

This is insane 😂 I cannot believe how defensive you're being over some poor little boy and his what you consider to be "rudeness". Not all children want to be friends with everyone. Just tell your son the other boy likes to keep to himself and move on.

SpillTheTeaa · 07/07/2020 13:50

This boy obviously has some issues. Maybe Aspergers or Autism?

🤦🏻‍♀️ sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture. Could be a number of things not just autism! Grin

Original poster
Ch33s3pizza · 07/07/2020 13:55

They’ve known each other for a few years. Have gone to lots of local clubs - football, beavers etc together and have seemed to have gotten along. They’ve been to each other’s parties and at pick ups of clubs they’ve always been together.

I never mentioned to anyone about being worried about them playing together too much. Only to my OH.

I’ll take on board everyone’s advise. Maybe I am looking too much into it. Thank you

OP posts:
verybadhairdoo · 07/07/2020 13:56

We have this with our neighbours son, but flipped the other way. Neighbours son always puts my son down, will only play games that HE wants to play, consistently a bad sport, always has to go first, cheats etc. His parents have NO IDEA about this as he is super polite in adult company. Now when he knocks and my son doesn't want to play or blanks him, both he and his parents don't get why and feel he us hardly done by. Maybe have a think from another point of view OP, perhaps there is more to it than you think.

CalmdownJanet · 07/07/2020 13:56

I wouldn't make a big deal of this to your son or pander to any upset, there is nothing to be upset about, just explain "everyone is different, he may just not want to play/talk to anyone" and then act like you did before they moved in.

MynephewR · 07/07/2020 13:58

Maybe he just doesn't want to be friends with your son? 🤷‍♀️ I don't really get the issue tbh, just explain to your DS that maybe the boy is shy or he doesn't want to talk or play. Honestly I think you and your DS should leave the boy alone if he doesn't want to talk.

CluelessBaker · 07/07/2020 14:01

Just explain to your son that this other boy doesn’t want to play with him. It’s a good opportunity to teach him that he isn’t entitled to anyone’s time or friendship, and that it’s ok for other people to decide if they want to play or not because everyone is different and that’s fine.

It’s not something to be annoyed about - it’s not the parents’ job to share their son’s diagnosis (if he has one) to make lives easier for other people.

GinDrinker00 · 07/07/2020 14:01

He’s not being rude if he has autism and isn’t replying. He’s probably processing what your son is saying.. I have a son like this, the neighbours boy is always trying to talk to him and it gets to much for my son. (He does want to be friends but doesn’t want the other boy constantly talking to him when he’s in own little world.)

ddl1 · 07/07/2020 14:05

I don't think it's a big problem if you don't treat it as one. Many people, not just those with autism, are sometimes socially awkward, and are only keen to socialize, if at all, at specific times. Add to that (a) that the child may be a bit overwhelmed by a new neighbourhood and (b) that the current situation may have trained him to keep his 'social distance' and avoid interactions with others except in very carefully planned situations, and it's not surprising if he's a bit withdrawn. It would be one thing if he were ignoring your son in particular, while socializing with everyone else, but it doesn't sound as though that is the case. Just tell your son that some people like to be on their own a lot of the time, especially right now, and that it isn't being done in order to be nasty to him.

flowerpotsandrain · 07/07/2020 14:07

Maybe the boy and his parents were worried that you and your child would want to play too much, so they're keeping their distance. If you thought this, then why wouldn't you think they might too? If your son hasn't taken a hint and keeps on approaching someone who isn't reciprocating then they might feel the need to really keep a distance as you're experiencing.

It is understandable to be upset if someone was friends and now they aren't. Sympathize with him and have a quiet word with the parents if you feel it would help to clarify things.

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